Smile all the time, Shine you teeth till meaningless, Sharpen them with lies

September 9, 2006 3:00 PM

How to fight loneliness? Yes, there is

I’m 28, male, single, heterosexual and bored beyond belief. I have a lot of friends but most (especially the ones I’m close with) are paired up (most are married, been-together-forever or somewhere in between). Back in the day we used to hang out a lot (hit up bars, live music, hike, Kayak) but now there’s less and less of that. Most of them don’t mind me being the 3rd wheel but they are no longer up for things that I would enjoy. While I prefer to go out of a Friday night, they would rather stay home and watch a movie/cook dinner (which I don’t mind every once in a while but not all the time). And all of this is just getting worse since they seem to be moving on (married->babies, together-forever->engaged) while I’m in the same place. I’ve been single for the past three years (nothing significant) and not by choice. I’m not particularly bothered by being single but I definitely miss being in a relationship.

As a result, I have tons of free time without much to do. I would love to go explore some random place, hike, hit up a museum, concert etc. but no one to do it with. It feels weird going to a bar/concert or other such things by myself. I dread weekends (like this one where I’m at work for lack of anything better to do) and most holidays. I sometimes wish I could make the weekend disappear and have this be Monday morning.

So mefites in my situation, what do you do?

I watch movies (at least one a day thanks to Netflix. But I’d rather be outside doing stuff). I run, hit the gym, bike, read in coffee shops, take pictures, browse book stores & but that’s all I do alone. What other things could I do to fill up my time without feeling so lonely?

I keep thinking that I should turn all this alone time into something productive (like learn a new skill). Suggestions on inexpensive things to sign up for would be great. What else should I do?

I’m in the bay area if it helps.

posted by anonymous to human relations (34 comments total)

Expand your horizon with new friends.
But you knew that already.

Any biking clubs you could join, maybe? And for me the gym is a great place to make friends (I am married so not looking for anything but friends, but that's probably where you should start as well.)

Try a Spinning class. Lots of folks are regulars for a particular class, and at least where I am it's a great way to get to know people.
posted by konolia at 3:07 PM on September 9, 2006

You sound like the perfect candidate for volunteer work. Pick a cause you find meaningful and your time and attention will be welcomed with open arms.
posted by jamaro at 3:18 PM on September 9, 2006

Volunteer work. Here's a long list of possibilites in the San Francisco Bay area:

posted by La Gata at 3:20 PM on September 9, 2006

Sorry, here's the list.
http://www.volunteerinfo.org
posted by La Gata at 3:24 PM on September 9, 2006

It sounds like you already have lots of interests, why not pick one and join a club? As konolia mentioned, a bike club could be cool as could hiking or photography.

It sounds like you are feeling pressured because their lives are changing and yours isn't. Don't stress about it. Go out, have fun, meet new people, but don't write off the friends you have now either. Just because you spend less time with them doesn't make them any less valuable in your life.

Eventually you will hook up with someone and you and your friends can go out and do couples stuff :)

As to new hobbies, when I was young and in shape, I really liked rock climbing/ rappelling and fencing. As I grew older and less in shape I got into dart leagues. Basically anything that puts you in a group setting.
posted by quin at 3:26 PM on September 9, 2006 [1 favorite]

I don't have any advice or suggestions, but I thought it might help you to know that you're not alone. I'm in the exact same situation you are, & it sounds like you're feeling a lot of the same things I am. It's actually my birthday tomorrow (my 28th), & I'm supposed to go to a concert then, but I just don't think I have it in me to go by myself. It's very difficult to keep on doing things by yourself.

It's hard to know what to do when people tell you to, "Just go out & meet people."
posted by Four-Eyed Girl at 3:26 PM on September 9, 2006

That is a pretty awful feeling, when you feel out of step with the group that you most associated with. It can be very lonely because there were a lot of things happening with others who you had something in common with and then, very slowly, there has been a growing space where all of this activity used to be. It may take some effort, but it is good to begin to fill this space. When this happened to me, I:

-took sailing lessons
-traveled around Europe by myself and had a blast
-volunteered for Habitat for Humanity and even went on one of their builds in Costa Rica
-took group guitar lessons at a local folk music school
-took up rock climbing
-joined an outdoor adventures group
-began to learn photography

Eventually, my social calendar began to fill again. I would throw casual dinner parties for new friends who were in my same position and I would invite some old friends when they could make it. At one time, I comforted one of those old friends (after I returned from my Europe trip) who was married and felt jealous of my freedom to just go off and do what I wanted at any time.

That made me realize that there were real advantages to my lifestyle at that age and time. Then I got married and now I have a child. I love them both dearly and we have a lot of fun together. And I still make plans to get away by myself sometimes for my own emotional health and to decompress. It can be all good.
posted by jeanmari at 3:32 PM on September 9, 2006 [1 favorite]

IMHO you don't sound so much lonely as bored. If you're mostly comfortable being in your own skin, I would suggest doing something productive with your time (my personal choices are woodworking and long-distance cycling) with the occassional hook-up with a person of the gender of your choice to keep the sexual side alive. You can be happy by yourself, even if everyone around you seems to be hooking up - but you do need to recognise that it's both a personal choice and a predisposition. Feeling comfortable with both is vital.

OTOH if you are honestly lonely and missing human companionship, then the suggestions above are excellent.
posted by Bora Horza Gobuchul at 3:33 PM on September 9, 2006

Hah, yeah, kind of the same here - I'm 28, and all of my friends are all pretty much hooked up.

I've decided to:

* Learn the drums ( been doing it for a few months ). Ok, not a hugely social activity, at least until I'm actually good enough to play with people, but I love it.

* Start volunteering - I was actually inspired to do this by a trip to 826Valencia. I haven't found anything similar in Vancouver, so I'm still trying to decide exactly what I could volunteer for, but if you're interested in writing and kids at all, 826 would be a great place to help out.
posted by Jon Mitchell at 3:44 PM on September 9, 2006

Have you thought about rescuing a dog from the pound? Dogs are great companions, not to mention conversation-starters, and most breeds and/or mutts would fit right in with your active lifestyle.
posted by invisible ink at 4:05 PM on September 9, 2006

I second invisible ink...that's great advice, that is if his living situation allows a dog.
posted by milarepa at 4:16 PM on September 9, 2006

MySpace your little heart out. TRY to make friends, just like Mama taught you to do. Say "Hi, my name is... I like... Wanna...?" Get numbers, make calls, IM, have people over to watch your movies, take people out. Be the exciting guy with an activity in mind. Read the paper for events and go to them. Nobody gets ticked off for being contantly invited out, I mean come on.

We Bay Area people are more adventurous than most, right? We like to meet new people, even lonely 28 y/o dudes (Wish I new more lonely 28 yo/ ladies, that'd work out nicely.)

Netflix-friend people as a jumping-off point. My email, for example, in in my profile.
posted by Ambrosia Voyeur at 4:22 PM on September 9, 2006

Definitely try a spin class. Lots of comraderie and, in my case, the instructor and others would go out for dinner / drinks after an evening class. Volunteering is on my short list but have heard very positive experiences from others.

In my own case, I am much more successful when I stop feeling sorry for myself, and my situation--and get out and DO something.

I was in your situation, albeit different circumstances, about a year or so ago. Now I have a full schedule. It's easier than you think.
posted by vaportrail at 4:36 PM on September 9, 2006

Oh, and, also: Mefi Meetup? There's a ton of people on here near SF...I'm sure I see a post for a Bay Area meetup at least every few months.
posted by Jon Mitchell at 4:40 PM on September 9, 2006

Myspace is an excellent tool to keep up with events in your circle of friends. Like everyone else on Metafilter I despise the glitter (yeah that was me vomiting) and headache inducing layouts--but it is a hell of a useful tool. Keep up with your favorite bands and their tour dates. Find out about parties at friends houses, or friends of friends. All of the girls I know LOVE Myspace, FWIW.
posted by vaportrail at 4:44 PM on September 9, 2006

Jon Mitchell: How do I find out about Mefi Meetups? Does it get posted to the main mefi page (I don't read that much)?
posted by special-k at 4:49 PM on September 9, 2006

Do you know about Squidlist? It's the biggest thing I miss, not being in the Valley. Basically, you get a constant stream of interesting places to go and meet people at.
posted by effugas at 5:22 PM on September 9, 2006

How do I find out about Mefi Meetups? Does it get posted to the main mefi page (I don't read that much)?

MetaTalk. Whenever one gets organized, it's listed at MeTa.
posted by quin at 5:28 PM on September 9, 2006

volunteering or a part-time job (something simple that you enjoy - coffeeshop, record store, bookstore) are great ways to fill time on the weekend/weeknights and meet cool new people... i got my first job in college because i was bored on the weekends.
posted by noloveforned at 5:57 PM on September 9, 2006

I third the idea of getting a dog. You never feel lonely when you're alone at home if you have a dog around; they need exercise a few times a day, so they keep you occupied; you can easily make casual friends at your local dog park since it's not weird to go there at the same time every single day, and chicks dig puppies. Really, everyone talks to you when you have a nice dog with you.
posted by gokart4xmas at 6:34 PM on September 9, 2006

Specifically, you might want to bookmark this page:

As for dogs, yes, that's a great idea. Watching people with their dogs in the park is brilliant - you so often see two dogs go up to each other and stark checking each other out, and then their owners start talking. It's like they're acting as cute little animal proxies for their owners' repressed instincts.
posted by Jon Mitchell at 6:45 PM on September 9, 2006 [1 favorite]

I'd also suggest going ahead and doing some of the stuff you want to do by yourself -- museums, movies, book readings, plays, concerts, etc. I spent much of the first several years I was in L.A. doing lots of stuff like that by myself, because it was good to get out of the house and at least do something fun, even if it was on my own. (In other words, it's far better to go see a concert by yourself than sit at home missing the concert by yourself.) It's also a way to potentially meet other people -- it doesn't happen every time, but sometimes you strike up a conversation with someone (or even a small group of people) and voila! You're hanging out at the concert together.

And taking a class or volunteering really is a great suggestion -- I met several people who became very good friends through writing and yoga classes I took the first year or two I was here.
posted by scody at 6:56 PM on September 9, 2006

I once asked almost this exact question...maybe the answers will inspire. I thought they were great.
posted by tristeza at 6:59 PM on September 9, 2006

Hey man, totally understand where your coming from. Only differences, I am 21, still live at home, and live on Long Island in NY. My town is boring. 75% of the people I know here.. are boring (and depressing). The other 25% dont provide enough entertainment to keep me happy. Or, I fail to find the entertainment.

I feel the same way about bars/clubs and going solo. Weird!

My plan; get more content/advice from people like David Deangleo, be a sponge, and act on your new knowledge.

I will be watching this thread for more responses..... lets break out of this loneliness!

Ambrosia Voyeur.... your suggestion is appreciated. I am on myspace and def need to spend more time there...
posted by Ryaske at 7:43 PM on September 9, 2006

Since you run, join a training team. It provides you with a group of regulars you will see several times a week for running. Sooner or later, someone will say, "So what's everyone doing this weekend?" and that could be where it all begins.

Plus, your next marathon might be your fastest ;)

Good luck.
posted by 4ster at 8:11 PM on September 9, 2006

Make it a habit to make new friends/acquaintances at all times. It's great to have a nice, steady social circle but you have to keep adding to it. People get married, they move away, they get busy with other things and next thing you know, you don't have anyone to hang out with. The only way to get a handle on the attrition is to be adding new people to the circle.

This doesn't mean that these new people will be your new best friends but it's a good habit to stay in touch periodically and do things together on occasion.

Also, if it's a choice of going to a concert or museum alone and not going at all, I'd go alone. Why deprive yourself of an experience you want just because there is no one to accompany you? An upside to going alone is that you tend to be more open to talk to others when you're alone.
posted by Soda-Da at 8:14 PM on September 9, 2006

The Sierra Singles section of the Sierra Club hosts lots of hikes, bike rides, and other outdoorsy activities for single people. I was a member when I was single, and they had many activities to choose from every weekend, and some weeknights as well. It was a great way to meet many people and in fact, it is indirectly how I met Hubby (I met his sister on a Singles hike, and eventually she introduced us).
posted by Quietgal at 8:40 PM on September 9, 2006

Broken record here but email me off-page if you want to help plan a Bay Area meet-up -- I'm thinking late-September or mid-October. My prior posts on this have generated interest; now people just want the date and place. There are around 300 MeFi people in the Bay Area (at least according to their profile latitude/longitude).
posted by ClaudiaCenter at 9:16 PM on September 9, 2006

We've all been there, but there is really no reason to EVER and I mean EVER be alone and bored in such a wonderful, young, vibrant city as San Francisco. I moved to San Francisco 8 mos. ago and I found that there are many groups that provide fantastic opportunities to meet people. Here they are (you may have to use your google-fu for these because I've not learn to use the hyper link yet):

1. Urban Diversion (kind of pricey - but the group provides awesome fun activities almost every day of the week)
2. Meetin.org -- members plan events - there's usually a few events a week.
3. Craigslist -- use the activity section or the group section - and respond to whatever post strikes your fancy or put up your own post.
4. http://groups.yahoo.com/group/SF_ActivityGroup/ is a particularly active new SF group
5. Organize a meetup - SF has not had one in awhile
6. Absolute Adventures - kind of like urban diversion (sort of pricey - but the events are run by professional event planners)
7. OneBrick.org - volunteer your time and then attend a social afterward


What I've done is make it a goal to go to 2-3 events a week. I try to go even if I don't feel like talking to strangers. If you make the effort to go to a few events a week, you'll probably make friends, but at a bare minimum you'll get out of your house to explore the area and meet some great people. Good luck!
posted by bananafish at 9:46 PM on September 9, 2006 [1 favorite]

I love going to concerts alone. I'd rather go alone than with someone else that isn't a fan of the band. YMMV.
posted by danb at 9:53 PM on September 9, 2006

danb--I don't know anyone who listens to the same music I do, so I almost always have to go alone. I wish I could feel the same way you do.

How often do the LA meet-ups occur? I'm motivated to go to one now.
posted by Four-Eyed Girl at 11:25 PM on September 9, 2006

How often do the LA meet-ups occur? I'm motivated to go to one now.

L.A. meetups are somewhat less frequent than the other big city meetups (San Francisco and New York definitely get together waaay more than we do; Chicago seems to as well), probably because it's so hard to find a semi-central location. But they certainly do happen a few times a year; we haven't had an official meetup in awhile, so feel free to post a suggestion on MeTa and see what kind of response you get.
posted by scody at 11:48 PM on September 9, 2006

Hey anonymous, I think you just described the future me (I'm about 4 years your junior). I don't know where in the Bay Area you are, but I've been in the East Bay for under a year and have barely begun my aimless exploring. E-mail in profile.
posted by phatkitten at 8:15 AM on September 10, 2006

Also in the bay area, up for a meetup!
posted by zia at 6:23 PM on September 10, 2006