Fear of flying

September 5, 2006 9:32 PM

Comfort my wife's fears. She has recently developed a phobia of flying and we are leaving on a flight on thursday.

My wife has been all over the world and has never been afraid to fly however after all the post 911 terrorism stuff, she's paralyzed to fly.

Can anyone give her any words of wisdoms, statistics, comfort in flying (especially since it's only a four flight)

posted by Hands of Manos to travel & transportation (36 comments total)

This page may help.

Quote: If risk assessment were truly actuarial, the 1 in 125 lifetime risk of fatality by motor vehicle accident would prompt most of us to stop driving immediately. The comparable risk per flight of 1 in 5-10 million is irrelevant when altitude forces us to give up the irrational illusions of control that allow us to drive daily.
posted by Kickstart70 at 9:50 PM on September 5, 2006 [1 favorite]

Well, I used to be a flight attendant and have been on thousands of flights and I'm still alive!
posted by Jess the Mess at 9:52 PM on September 5, 2006

I generally assuage my fairly rational fears by thinking of all the people flying safely at this very moment. It's not like the flight you're going on is any less safe than theirs.
posted by smackfu at 9:58 PM on September 5, 2006

I'm not trying to be flip here, but honestly I think it's going to be hard to get over a serious fear-- even through intellectualizing it-- in a day. Call your doctor and ask for a prescription for a couple doses of the benzodiazepine of your choice (Xanax, Ativan, Valium, etc) and let her sleep through the flight.
posted by chickletworks at 10:13 PM on September 5, 2006

I tell myself that the pilot is most invested in getting us from Point A to Point B safely and all in one piece

otherwise - you might want to invest in flying lessons for your wife, nothing like a few lessons (and a few sessions flying a Piper or Cessna) to turn fear into fun !
posted by seawallrunner at 10:13 PM on September 5, 2006

yes, statistics are easy, but think of the poor flight crew. Are they really just biding their time until the inevitable crash? Doubt that.

Anyway, get her a couple of tranquilizers. They actually work for this. Mother's Fearful flyers little helpers.
posted by caddis at 10:19 PM on September 5, 2006

Just keep pounding away with the facts in new and surprising ways.

Your chance of being killed in a plane is about the same as (being killed by a shark, struck by lighting, killed by a falling coconut, etc). You don't worry about that, do you? Well, then why do you worry about flying?

Why doesn't a paralyzing fear of bathroom falls keep you from showering?

Etc, etc. Make it seem silly and most people will get over it eventually.
posted by chrisamiller at 10:39 PM on September 5, 2006

Make it seem silly and most people will get over it eventually

It really should work that way. Yes, it should. However...
posted by caddis at 10:46 PM on September 5, 2006

You might want to be careful if following chrisamiller's advice (basically, all of the advice that involves the use of statistics to challenge her fears). While there are certainly rational ways to explain and dissuade her fears, they still feel very real to her, and you don't want to make her feel as though she's stupid or her emotions aren't valid.

If you haven't already, try getting to the bottom of what is worrying her, if possible. Has she been influenced by the frighteningly realistic re-enactments of 9/11 hijackings that have been all over tv/movies? Is it the possibility of other passengers hurting her? Depending on the root of her fear, it can probably be dealt with in a number of different ways.

And of course, be sure that she has lots of distractions to keep her from panicking about the flight the whole time. Books, music, crossword puzzles, laptop with movies on it, etc.
posted by sarahsynonymous at 10:51 PM on September 5, 2006

you don't want to make her feel as though she's stupid or her emotions aren't valid.

But the fear is stupid and invalid... sigh. I just don't understand irrational and emotional people.
posted by chrisamiller at 10:53 PM on September 5, 2006

Your frustration is understandable, but remember that failure to understand and appreciate other's emotions is just as big a lacking as failure to understand the risk of flying or other ventures.
posted by caddis at 11:20 PM on September 5, 2006

Go to a major airport - if you're in the U.S. you should have some really big ones available Watch the planes come and go for an hour or so. Count how many flights there are, then mentally envision that multiplied by all the major airports around the world.

Now think about all those tens of thousands of flights being made daily, hundreds of thousands of people riding around safely, and remember that if something happens, you WILL hear about it in the current climate of fear.

Interestingly, I got over quite a bit of my fear of flying after reading Emergency! Crisis in the cockpit, which details cases where the skill of the pilots and the amazing design of the aircraft lead to good outcomes from bad situations.
posted by tomble at 11:40 PM on September 5, 2006

Hey thanks for everyone's comments thus so far. We're going to see if our local dr. can subscribe some meds for her.

"But the fear is stupid and invalid... sigh. I just don't understand irrational and emotional people."

Understandable...and honestly, her fears drive me insane as well...but I've found that when someone you love has a fear, it's important to them...and I've also found it's always rewarding to respond to it whether you think it's stupid or not (henceforth my met?a question.)
posted by Hands of Manos at 11:42 PM on September 5, 2006

Somewhere recently on MeFi I swear someone posted a link to a page that tells you what all the normal noises are in a plane during takeoff and landing -- so you can recognize as you go that nothing untoward is happening. But I can't find the question.

Here are other threads on the subject.

Here's a website that describes itself as offering a free fear-of-flying web course. Link. (I know nothing about it at all. It gave me full content after anonymous registration, though, so I think it's safe to take a look at.)
posted by LobsterMitten at 11:47 PM on September 5, 2006

I'm afraid phobias like this are almost entirely irrational. Bolstered by occasional turbulence, a fear of flying is difficult to overcome.

But I did it. After being treated for some other anxiety issues my fear of flying melted away. Is it possible that your wife's fears are tied up with some other concerns?

In any case, I went from being a white knuckle flyer (to the point of being sick, really) to the guy who continues to read the paper comfortably in the midst of heavy turbulence. With my other anxiety issues in check all the rational arguments about the safety of flying suddenly made a whole lot of sense. Now I can't wait to get on a plane - I've actually come to enjoy it.
posted by aladfar at 1:08 AM on September 6, 2006

I second the suggestion of some flying lessons... or even some time on a flight simulator.

The thing that permanently cured my (very slight) fear of flying was not statistics, which were irrelevant. It was realizing that the pilots of these aircraft have an extraordinary amount of training under their belt. They are better at their job than I am at anything in my life. Even if I were controlling the aircraft myself, I couldn't do as good a job as they can.... I don't _drive_ as well as they _fly_.

And with all that expertise, they most emphatically do not want to die either.

Realizing just how good these guys are permanently cured my fear. If something does go wrong, you literally have just about the best-qualified person on earth trying to fix it, with a powerful interest in the outcome.
posted by Malor at 1:17 AM on September 6, 2006

"I just don't understand irrational and emotional people." Even when you're being one?

I fly a lot, and about one in 3 or 4 flights, I get pretty nervous. One of the best things your wife can do is talk to you, out loud, about her nervousness while she's on the flight. And don't be shy to hold her hand. Communicating, touching, and just letting out the stress/fear can be one of the most effective ways to get through the rough parts of a flight.

Pointing out "hey, you're being irrational!" isn't going to make her snap out of it: She's well aware it's not rational, and if anything, that increases the frustration, which increases the stress, which increases the fear. Pointing out some of the facts might be helpful, drubbing her with statistics will only be comforting if she finds know-it-alls reassuring.

Instead, you might want to ask the staff or flight crew for information during the flight, such as when you'll be hitting air boundaries that can cause turbulence, when certain stress-inducing moments (like a steeply banked turn, or a loud noise) will be occurring, or what to expect in the way of weather.

I don't drink myself, but a lot of people find a glass of wine can help. And distractions like a portable handheld game device (get a DS Lite!) or an iPod can go a long way, too.
posted by anildash at 1:25 AM on September 6, 2006

I would be interested in reading an account of how somebody with a flying phobia reacted to flying lessons. I know lots of people suggest this but does it really work?

In terms of the immediate problem you face perhaps it would help for your wife to learn some relaxation exercises and do them before/ during the flight.
posted by rongorongo at 2:57 AM on September 6, 2006

She should take tranquilizers xor she should drink. Not both, which could be deadly. Besides, you really, really don't want to come back from the aircraft toilet to discover that your wife has stripped naked and danced down the aisle singing "Come Fly With Me" in her best Sinatra voice.
posted by pracowity at 4:22 AM on September 6, 2006

Just to counter the people saying statistics don't work: that was exactly how I got over my fear of flying and how I counter any nervousness that arises now. You know your wife better than we do, but coming to understand that being scared is illogical and is just making you miserable can and does work. In fact, that's how at least one branch of therapy (CBT) helps people get over panic attacks. (Well, logic + breathing.)
posted by dame at 6:19 AM on September 6, 2006

I really hope you're flying somewhere cool. That would help.

Could you call the airline as a heads up? Who knows - perhaps some insanely benevolent gate/check-in agent will bump you up to business to keep the flight a little more calm.
posted by mdonley at 6:19 AM on September 6, 2006

Well- a good friend of mine is petrified of flying.
She took 4 of her first 6 flights with me and it wasnt easy.
(she's in her 30's and hadn't flown and her family is petrified of flying it seems).
She took a couple practice runs to the airport. Just drove there parked, etc just as if she was going to a flight.
Maybe drive her, take her in & look around at the security measures, grab a bloody mary and drive home.
I tried to shield her from the scarier stuff- filling out the card with your "next of kin" on it and where you were sitting on your flight.
I brought a portable DVD player. I brought vodka nips for a couple bloody marys.
I asked her what she thought the most helpful thing was and she said my confidence. I tried to be super relaxed (normally i am a tad hyper). and she asked a THOUSAND times- "is that normal?". When ever there was a bang, a ding ora flight attendent hussling, etc.
Our plane was boarding but i figured best to not tell her until I had to - when she realized all the people lined up were for out flight she started crying.
I just held her hand and told her- "we're fine". I just stayed patient and calm and i think it helped.
posted by beccaj at 6:38 AM on September 6, 2006

We're flying to Mexico City (you can't get much cooler than that! Civil Unrest, problems with elections, protests going on...hell, it's a regular trip to the beach!). But this is my wife's dream which was to move to Mexico (Peubla to be exact) because she has her masters in spanish and wants to live among the culture and soak it up (while I slave away at keeping us afloat financially /sarcasm)

"that your wife has stripped naked and danced down the aisle singing "Come Fly With Me" in her best Sinatra voice"

I'm not so sure that'd be a bad thing...I guess then my fantasy of becoming a member of the mile-high club would be much more tangible!
posted by Hands of Manos at 6:46 AM on September 6, 2006

"filling out the card with your "next of kin" on it and where you were sitting on your flight."

!!! What airline is this? Or are you joking?
posted by muddgirl at 6:52 AM on September 6, 2006

I read The Fearless Flier's Handbook and it helped immensely. I went from being completely phobic about flying (to the point of avoiding any trip requiring air travel) to flying several times a year. I still hate the hell out of it and have sweaty palms, but now I can get on the plane and actually go places.

It helps to tell myself that they wouldn't build an entire industry around it if it were truly that unsafe. I think of business travelers, or sports teams that go all over the country to away games, or superstars who go on tour in other continents.

It also helps that I have places to see that I would not be able to reach otherwise without air travel. If I avoid air travel, I won't be able to see my relatives overseas, or go on vacation in Europe. I'm sure as hell not going to take several weeks off to go to Europe by ship.
posted by cadge at 6:53 AM on September 6, 2006

Just keep pounding away with the facts in new and surprising ways.

This is very unlikely to work (pace dame; I'm sure there are others for whom statistics work, but I'm also sure they're in a small minority). My wife is also terrified of flying (especially since 9/11)—she's extremely intelligent and in other ways rational, but this is not rational stuff, any more than fear of heights or enclosed spaces or spiders. Just comfort her as best you can and remind her that it will all be over in X hours. Have a good trip!
posted by languagehat at 7:10 AM on September 6, 2006

muddgirl.
No that is true.
We were headed to Mexico (we went on TNT vacation charter flight when they had leftover seats).

When we checked in at the gate after we had our boarding passes they want to know where you are actually sitting in case of crash I guess. I filled out this card with number of and I'm ppretty sure the wording was actually "next of kin" and asked tel no and seat number.
When the woman at the gate gave us them I snatched it and asked her all the info in a less frightening way...

The airline was some kinda strange one called "North American".
posted by beccaj at 7:43 AM on September 6, 2006

I like Salon's Ask the Pilot, who's the voice of reason amidst the hysteria about terrorists.
posted by O9scar at 8:28 AM on September 6, 2006

I fly at least twice a week and have done so for almost ten years. For the first few years I had the pleasure of being scared of flying to the point of mild panic attacks during even the mildest of turbulence. Now, I'm perfectly fine and actually really enjoy flying. I think what helped me was a sudden revelation that the pilots and flight attendants would not make this their jobs if danger existed far beyond any other everyday job. There must be tens of thousands of people working daily on airplanes. Would you take a job that threatened your life (or at least one as boring + unglamorous, unlike, say, firefighter)? This made a lot of sense and resonated to me more than any statistics or facts ever did.

I also started reading about flying and how an airplane works. Understanding that it's not magic but instead a wonder of mechanics and physics can turn flying from a nervous mystery to something really fascinating and fun. A layman's book that I've read that explained air flight in under five pages is Frommer's What The Airlines Never Tell You. Oh, and there's a lot of advice in that book on traveling, ticket buying, airline comparison, etc as well. Recommended.
posted by General Zubon at 9:13 AM on September 6, 2006

If a person is truly phobic (not just a bit nervous), logic will not do squat. Phobia is generated by the most primitive flight or fight responses that are imprinted in the brain quite strongly and they are pretty much impossible to control by the higher 'rational" mind without professional help and lots of practice. And phobic people know quite well that their fear is irrational and they are usually embarrassed by it. Telling them they are being irrational is close to being a mind fuck. It is like telling a schizophrenic person he is being irrational. The reactions are just too quick and overwhelming.

Thus for an imminent flight, a chemical helper is what is required. Ambien works quite well if taken about the time that the flight is called. She'll be knocked out for most of the flight.

Then after your trip, you can work on her fear together for about six months, starting with some courses offered by airlines (I don't know if they still do this after 9-11) If not then you and she together do a fear-of-flying course via tape or DVD. I would also recommend that you buy some aviation hobbyist DVDs where you get a cockpit's eye view of the cockpit. Helped me a lot actually. Then you and she set a graduation flight to a nearby place for a celebratory week-end.

I was extremely phobic but my job requires travel. It can be overcome, but you need help to do it.
posted by xetere at 9:27 AM on September 6, 2006

muddgirl, I've been asked for emergency contact info, too, and on a major airline. Probably Swiss, might have been Northwest. I think it's actually on the back of many of the boarding passes, but rarely will someone actually ask you to fill it out.
posted by whatzit at 9:30 AM on September 6, 2006

But the fear is stupid and invalid... sigh. I just don't understand irrational and emotional people.

So, you've never once in your life been afraid of something? Never had an irrational fear? Never once, ever in your life, experienced an emotion you couldn't control or explain? Whatever.

Anyway, back on topic. I used to travel a ton for work, and now I travel a ton for leisure (family's scattered all over the country). My fiancee is terrified of flying, and any time a statistic is quoted to her it just makes things worse. What works for her is a xanax washed down with a gin and tonic before boarding, and another drink or two on the plane.

That, plus a healthy dose of avoidance - ipod, magazines (nothing of any substance - entertainment weekly, people, anything that makes you go "wow pretty pictures" really...), and traveling with someone all help.

As the person traveling with someone who doesn't like flying, it's important for you to radiate calm and stability; make sure your wife understands that everything is functioning normally with you, and with the flight.

The other thing that helps my fiancee is reassurance that she is completely normal in her fear of flying - many, many people have the same fear, and yet they still get in the airplane, so it must be ok. Second the idea of "doing the math", as well. I always point out how many flights are leaving between the time we get to the airport and the time we board, and make sure she knows that all those planes get successfully to their destination.

Good luck - this can be overcome, but it takes time and patience.
posted by pdb at 9:51 AM on September 6, 2006

I don't support the tranquillizers approach, sorry. Worse than being nervous is being nervous AND disoriented.
posted by desuetude at 10:28 AM on September 6, 2006

I don't know from tranquilizers, but motion-sickness pills like Dramamine (cheap, available OTC, get chewable kids' version) put me right to sleep. Take a dose an hour or so before boarding the plane: no nausea, and a sleepy peaceful buzzy feeling.
posted by LobsterMitten at 12:51 PM on September 6, 2006

So, you've never once in your life been afraid of something? Never had an irrational fear?

Well, no - not since childhood. I'm logical to a fault, and I have better things to worry about than spiders and such.

That said, my comment was as much an indictment of myself as anything else. I don't have a whole lot of empathy for irrational fears and such, and I suppose that makes me come off as a bit brash at times. I just don't think coddling people is the way to get them over a fear. Teach them to trust the facts, not some gut feeling. To quote John Cusack in High Fidelity:

"frankly speaking, I've come to the conclusion that my guts have shit for brains."

Being scared of something is usually a symptom of being misinformed. Spiders aren't that dangerous, sharks don't care for the taste of people that much, and monsters do not live udner your bed. Let the light of reason and science illuminate the darkness of fear, and you'll usually find that things aren't so scary after all.
posted by chrisamiller at 1:25 PM on September 6, 2006

Being scared that something specific will happen is one thing -- eg being scared that your plane will suffer mechanical failure and fall out of the sky. That kind of fear can be counteracted or reduced by scientific knowledge.

Being scared of planes, period, or being scared of spiders, is another thing entirely. It's more like a strong case of the heebie-jeebies, and can't necessarily be gotten rid of by scientific knowledge.
posted by LobsterMitten at 3:54 PM on September 6, 2006