How do you deal with messy sex?

September 4, 2006 6:04 PM

How do you deal with the messy side of sex?

In my limited experience, sex is pretty drippy, as in both me and my post-coital partner's ejaculation. It's lovely fun but not conducive to keeping sheets, mattresses, pillows, carpets, various of other items between me and the bathroom, clean. Is it just me or is running off to the toilet with a handful of Kleenex stuffed between your legs the only solution?

posted by anonymous to health & fitness (41 comments total)

That's how we do it.

1. Sex
2. Breather
3. Quick jog to the bathroom for her, continued breather for me
4. Leisurely drippy stroll to bathroom for me
5. Yelled at by her for dripping on clothes
6. Rinse, and repeat 2 months later

Move your bed closer to the bathroom and keep a clean towel handy.
posted by c:\awesome at 6:14 PM on September 4, 2006 [6 favorites]

Sex towels. And make sure they're a different color than your regular towels.
posted by ColdChef at 6:14 PM on September 4, 2006

I've always called the sex towel the zamboni. You know, one of those smallish hand towel type things. Keep it someplace unobtrusive [unless you're one of those giant box of condoms on the nightstand people - then again if you used condoms there would be much less drip, nb] and a quick wipe down is usually enough for some quality post-coital snuggling afterwards without things getting too messy. Leave it under your butt if you're really worried about it, or practice whatever that ninja-pussy move is where you can sort of squeeze it all out in one fell swoop, again onto your sex towel.

Alternately keep some panties nearby to put on just for the bathroom sprint portion of the evening's activities. It beats kleenex.
posted by jessamyn at 6:21 PM on September 4, 2006 [14 favorites]

Good lord, have you never heard of fucktowels?
posted by i_am_joe's_spleen at 6:26 PM on September 4, 2006 [2 favorites]

Well, it's not too hard to buy a very large amount of terrycloth, double it, and put a nice hem on it, then some cross-stitching for an overall sex-quilt that you can use as a throwdown.

Then, lots of thick beach towels and a bedside hamper especially for them. Little hand towels and some water for the final mop-up.
posted by adipocere at 6:26 PM on September 4, 2006

I've always called the sex towel the zamboni. You know, one of those smallish hand towel type things.

Great name! Also known as a trick towel. I like them in white, so you can bleach the holy hell out of them.

Another good item for fluid control is a yard or so of that fabric-backed waterproof fabric they make tablecloths out of. Throw it down under a towel, and save anyone from having to sleep in the wet spot. We call them sex tarps.
posted by ottereroticist at 6:29 PM on September 4, 2006 [2 favorites]

Why sex towels, of course.
posted by Ostara at 6:34 PM on September 4, 2006

These sex towels, they aren't supposed to be used as regular towels?
posted by c:\awesome at 6:42 PM on September 4, 2006

Do a walking handstand all the way to the bathroom.





No, seriously, it looks like the towels have it. Thats normal. Although I have dated some women that can just hold it in effortlessly until the they wish to discharge it. Perhaps this can be learned??
posted by Slenny at 6:47 PM on September 4, 2006

I also have sex towels. I got bright pink ones on sale and keep them in my nightstand. That way I can keep them seperate from my normal towels.

c:\awesome, I don't use them as regular towels mostly out of consideration for my guests. Because they're all hand towels they're the type of thing that I'd hang out for people to use after washing their hands in the bathroom. I know that I'd prefer not to use a towel that my friends' husbands had mopped up with, and I assume my guests feel the same way.
posted by christinetheslp at 6:51 PM on September 4, 2006

Elexa makes freshening towels. I can't speak to their effectiveness, but on principle they sound good.
posted by MeetMegan at 6:52 PM on September 4, 2006

part of my early education was the sex towel, no more sleeping in the wetspot.
posted by Iron Rat at 7:28 PM on September 4, 2006

Amen to that!
posted by Wet Spot at 7:29 PM on September 4, 2006

How do you deal with the messy side of sex?

Laugh about it.

And towels.
posted by mediareport at 7:44 PM on September 4, 2006

I leave and sleep in my own bed. Alone.
posted by null terminated at 7:44 PM on September 4, 2006 [2 favorites]

on principle they sound good

Except the part where you're not supposed to mess with the flora/fauna(?) of your girlybits, on pain of infection.

If you're not prone, go for it. But I would never use or recommend anything down there but water, and have even nixed any lubes w/sugar (glycerin) in 'em. It's helped.

And I do the mad bathroom dash, sometimes assisted by the towel. And giggling.
posted by librarina at 8:09 PM on September 4, 2006

two words: baby wipes.

i joined mefi just to answer this question.
posted by kidsleepy at 8:21 PM on September 4, 2006 [1 favorite]

I'd prefer to post this anon but imo the handiest thing for us both is my t-shirt.
posted by anadem at 8:36 PM on September 4, 2006

"baby wipes"

I am not getting parabens on my mucous membranes, thank you.
posted by i_am_joe's_spleen at 8:40 PM on September 4, 2006

What joe's spleen said.

We throw a big bath towel down on the bed so there's less of a wet spot, and then the towels go straight in the laundry hamper from there.

I have different guest towels anyway, so we just grab whatever's hanging in the bathroom, run giggling to the bedroom, do the deed, and the towels go in the hamper. Then new towels get brought out for the post-coital shower.

Oh, and we linger a *LONG* time, so everything has generally leaked out by then.
posted by SpecialK at 8:48 PM on September 4, 2006

Why a separate towel? There's nothing in there any less hygienic than what's in your boxers after a long day working in the trenches. And does that also imply that you have to go out of your way for a specific implement to clean after a 'solo'?
posted by docpops at 8:50 PM on September 4, 2006

quite honestly my g/f and i just slept on the mess, took the wetness as an indivisible part of the night's sex-event. Maybe a kleenex or pick up my tshirt from the side of the bed and use that. Its all going in the wash anyway; whats a little more starch? ;) No colors when we have sex, I never have sex during her period.
Maybe some people just embrace the mess. I never heard of sex towels in my life; and frankly i dont know if I like that idea. Seems like it ruins the sponteneity somehow. "Lets make the bed before we passionately lunge at each other, honey."
posted by jak68 at 9:08 PM on September 4, 2006

Why a separate towel?

Can't say I'm bothered but some people are simply squicked by the idea. Cooties or something.
posted by i_am_joe's_spleen at 9:09 PM on September 4, 2006

Tissues. And a quick ablute, to wash out the tubes (for both of us).
posted by coriolisdave at 9:12 PM on September 4, 2006

There's a "stain guard" between the sheet and the mattress - for general sweat/spit stains, but it's pretty handy for other "emissions" as well. I n'th the sex towel, but it's hardly premeditated - it just happens to reside near the head of the bed, waiting to be called into service, only to be washed and perhaps, if it's lucky, reused.

I personally prefer those super-absorbent bar towels, because they're soft and not overly large.
posted by muddgirl at 9:14 PM on September 4, 2006

Mattress stains are good, they prove that you are alive. Sleeping in a wet spot is good. "Wow, it's all wet under me because I just got some. How excellent."
posted by Meatbomb at 9:40 PM on September 4, 2006 [1 favorite]

I would highly recommend a combo system of "sex towels" and unscented baby wipes.

I purchase white hand towels from the local dollar store and they are used solely for that purpose, so they are not confused with the regular towels and usually washed separately (and bleached if necessary). One or two of these towels can also be placed underneath you if you think things get particularly "leaky"...

We usually use Huggies brand unscented baby wipes because they feel more like cloth and are more absorbent and generally feel nicer for those particularly, ummm, messy interludes. (They are also amazing for taking off heavy glam or theatrical makeup very easily.)

If you have a problem (physical or ethical) with commercial wipes, then make your own with paper towels, folded, dampened with water and then stored in a plastic zipper bag.

These and other "sex supplies" are kept in an easily reached drawer in one of the bedside tables; so as to not ruin any of the spontenaiety.

If you are feeling particularly romantic and are setting up a nice evening's interlude, then another suggestion requires a bit more forethought but can be particularly luxurious, especially in winter. Wet several of the sex towels with water, and wring out until they are slightly more than damp. Heat in the microwave until they are just steaming. Pack in tupperware-type container and wrap in several layers of thick towels to act as insulation - they can often stay warm for up to two hours this way. Keep near the bedside.

After the dirty deed is done, just reach over and open up your steaming sex towels for a particulary refreshing and luxurious clean up that no Maitre D' or Concierge could beat!

For extra points, have a thermos of an appropriate post-coital beverage to share and enjoy (cold orange juice or ice tea is one of our favourites). Although it might take a bit of effort and is not entirely spontaneous, it will undoubtedly score you some major bonus points with your love partner!

Good luck and let us know if any of these tips prove successful !

~ Jade Dragon
posted by Jade Dragon at 10:21 PM on September 4, 2006 [2 favorites]

If sex was clean - would it be as fun?

I prefer tissues, since I can dispose of them quite easily, and the fact that I don't want have to worry about drying my face with the 'Trick Towel' by mistake. yuck.
posted by savagecorp at 10:34 PM on September 4, 2006

... sex-quilt that you can use as [sic] a throwdown
adipocere, you meant "during," right?
posted by rob511 at 10:37 PM on September 4, 2006 [1 favorite]

Keep a roll of TP by the bedside. You can use as much :) or as little :( as you need. Hopefully more...much more!

(Tip: Just find a brand that's not too "fuzzy" or has too many layers. Yuck!)
posted by PsychoKitty at 10:43 PM on September 4, 2006

My only worry is if the batteries leak.

/envious.
posted by essexjan at 12:13 AM on September 5, 2006

"Love towels". I have seen 1 at the gym...
posted by i_am_joe's_spleen at 12:51 AM on September 5, 2006

Damnit.
posted by i_am_joe's_spleen at 12:52 AM on September 5, 2006

We each keep a handkerchief by the bed. Smaller than a towel but nice and absorbent.
posted by miss tea at 5:23 AM on September 5, 2006

Waterproof sex blankets! The Facinator Throe is designed just for this. It doesn't scratch the bottom partner's back/ass the way towels can leave you a bit raw. We have it in tan, and it's not all that ugly.
posted by saffron at 5:49 AM on September 5, 2006

Of course, there's always the Tenacious D Cum Rag. (Everything else is just a cum rag.)
posted by ColdChef at 6:03 AM on September 5, 2006

My friend use to have a jiz-rag under his passanger seat. (I only know this because a third friend used it to wipe sweat of his face after a round of golf - disgust & hilarity ensued)
posted by Mick at 8:20 AM on September 5, 2006

Why a separate towel?

I agree - Life's complicated enough. I'd have to remember three towel groups: sex towels, regular towels and "good" towels.
posted by Neiltupper at 10:57 AM on September 5, 2006

How do we deal with messy sex? We thrive on it. Usually we'll just lay together happily and then fall asleep.

Oh, and sheets are cheap. Buy a few extra sets and change them often. Other than that, towels work just fine.
posted by drstein at 11:05 AM on September 5, 2006

Tissues.
posted by deborah at 1:41 PM on September 5, 2006

Nothing beats baby wipes for convenience. I get the Kirkland brand from Costco which are labelled as unscented, hypoallergenic and alcohol-free. This is the first I've heard of parabens, but I don't see anything including parabens in the ingredients. Neither I, nor any partners have never experienced discomfort from their use. We pretty much consider them mandatory for backpacking trips.
posted by Manjusri at 3:08 PM on September 5, 2006