I'm in a polyamorous relationship. It isn't enough.
It looks like I get to be the relationship post of the day. Please forgive the length of what follows: monogamous relationships are complicated enough; polyamorous ones exponentially so, I fear.
I have been in a polyamarous relationship with my best friend for almost six years. She is married – I am not. The mutual decision to enter into the relationship – with the full knowledge and occasional participation of her husband – came after years of really bad, emotionally and financially abusive relationships for me, both "real-life" and long-distance. I am mostly happiest being alone, but need the emotional support (long-distance, since my friend lives in another country) and occasional physical closeness (we see each other several times a year) of another person.
I love my friend. She loves me. I am not jealous of her husband and, to the best of my knowledge, he is not jealous of me. There are all the miscommunications, and occasional disagreements, that are endemic of long-distance relationships, but on the whole I feel we do very well. I haven’t entered into any self-destructive relationships, and am aware that the support and love of my friend has kept me “safe”.
When we started there was an awareness and acceptance of “playmates” – other relationships that we had that were purely online, for sexual release. Over the years, for various reasons, these relationships have fallen aside. In the beginning there was also an understanding that if I found, against all chance, “the one”, that I would, if my new partner agreed, continue the intimate side of my friend’s and I relationship – but at the worst, still continue to be the best friends we have been for a dozen years (we talk to each other for at least an hour a day, usually more).
Flash forward to now. Increasingly, our lives have intertwined. I will stay a month at her house. She leaves me to take care of her children for several weeks. Her young son and I are very good friends. Her family knows and accepts me. We have each other in our wills. There’s an understanding that we will spend the rest of our lives together in some way, and I am, emotionally, very happy.
But. While I love this woman immensely, there are two problems. First, she is not here when I need her, physically, and phone / internet only goes so far. (Moving to the same location is not an option). I am sure this holds true both ways. Second, I don’t desire her with the heat of a thousand suns. I love her deeply, but rarely
want her. I’ve tried to convince myself over the last decade that I should be able to get past this, but I can’t. She, for her part, tries at times to get control over some of the issues that do affect that desire (weight, mostly. She and her husband are very large. I am not.) but inevitably she becomes frustrated and gives up. At least in part because of her tremendous issues surrounding this, she refuses to seek medical advice regarding a condition that has become morbid.
Every three years I’ve found I get an “itch” – a desire to play the field, date, meet other people. Three years ago, I did so, with my friend’s blessing (after many discussions) and came back. Outside of that time, I’ve been monogamous to her.
The “itch” is now back, and it’s worse than ever. And my friend has made it very clear that going outside the relationship is no longer an option. Further, she has stated that if the sexual side of our relationship is dropped, the friendship will likely disappear also. Our relationship has deepened, and I think perhaps her desire to keep it as it is is due, at least in part, to a husband who has been unemployed for a considerable period of time while developing a deep relationship of his own with WoW.
I have no wish to hurt my friend, nor to sever our relationship. But I am starting to behave foolishly in looking for other possibilities. The “unfairness” of it – that she is married and has a partner, but I only have her – chafes on me.
I don’t want to go behind her back, but the alternative – coming flat out and saying “I need another partner” – and its likely consequences – terrify me. She is aware that I am feeling this way, and we’re both trying to make our relationship work. But my frustration is only building.
What can I do?
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You're not getting what you need, she's not letting you get what you need. You love her, but you're not hot for her. It's sad to lose an awesome friend, but you'll have opportunities for future awesome friends -- awesome friends who make you hot, who let you be your full sexual self, who are available and everything else -- if you are willing to move on.
posted by croutonsupafreak at 8:37 PM on August 31, 2006