Whats a guy to do?

August 20, 2006 7:15 PM

Ohio separation Filter: I am asking this one for my brother in law. He recently went thought a dissolution with his wife after finding out she cheated on him, and then after that catching him with another guy. There is definitely

So they have went through the dissolution, split their assets, and until they get their house sold, they are splitting the house payment, and they have a verbal agreement that she could stay there (her job is in the town they lived in, and she has no family around here) as long as she didn't bring the guy she was cheating on him with into the house. Well tonight, he found out the guy was staying at the house as well. The house payment is the only bill they still have in both of their names, and he is paying half of the electricity, sewage, and everything else. So he went over there tonight to drop off some tools so she could do some lawn work, and the homewrecker was sitting on the couch playing video games, and she was at work. My brother in law asked him to leave, the guy refused, he threatened to call the cops and have him removed from the property, since it was still half his, and the guy said "go ahead, your ex invited me here and they will tell you its ok"
Well, long story short, he called the cops, they never showed up. We left. But he wants to know what kind of suggestions you guys have as far as what he should do, and what kind of recourse does he have at this point?

Any suggestions, advice, or similar stories you have to give would be apperciated. He is going to see his lawyer tommorow, and just wants to know what to expect.

posted by Jonsnews to human relations (14 comments total)

If the lawyer is any good, he'll tell the brother that he needs to separate his emotions from the logic of the situation. They've already agreed to sell the house and have agreed to split assets, and apparently he no longer lives there. So why should he care who lives at the house now, provided they are not damaging it or otherwise holding up the sale? This is an emotional response, not a logical one. Getting the cops into it will only make it worse, as it's not clear a crime is being committed (Trespassing? He was invited by the legal resident. If anything, the cops will realize the situation, realize that the brother is no longer living there and they'll tell HIM to go home).

Sell the house as soon as possible, deal with the remaining bills and walk away.
posted by frogan at 7:30 PM on August 20, 2006

Something is wrong here.

a) Brother in law? Your sister's husband?

b) They're no longer married, yes? And yet he made a verbal agreement that she can stay there, while he pays half the house expenses? Tell you what, can your brother in law pay half of my house expenses indefinitely? I know we're not married, but then he's not married to this woman...

Sell the house now. Surely the dissolution agreement would have specified some sort of time frame for disposing of the property and finishing this marriage for good. What's to prevent her from living there for 20 years, with her man, while your stupid brother in law pays her mortgage?

Forget about the guy living there. You don't control her life. Sell the property and be done with it.
posted by jellicle at 7:37 PM on August 20, 2006

I assume he isn't staying there so...I don't know about the lawyer side of things, but he should let the whole "guy staying over there" thing go. Seriously, she cheated on him, so he can't expect her to honor any sort of verbal agreement. Any agreement with her should be in writing and notarized with a clear explanation of legal consequences.

So sell the house quickly and move on. For the moment let it go, work through the pain and move on. The quicker he's free of all ties with her, the better his life will be.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 7:40 PM on August 20, 2006

Brother in law is my wifes brother
He has been trying to sell the house since they divorced, but until it gets sold he is letting her stay there.
He now knows that he needs to get everything notarized, I will mention to him the clear explanation of legal consequences part.
posted by Jonsnews at 7:54 PM on August 20, 2006

Now that she's living there (and paying half the rent, or maybe less with "dude" in the house), what incentive does she have to sell the house at all?

My opinion? Give the "insert expletive here" a month to get out and pay a company to find a buyer ASAP. Pay whatever it costs to get rid of that house. Financial types will argue with me here, but allowing this "insert expletive here" to remain in this guy's life is worse than any financial losses. This guy is going through absolute hell in his heart and prolonging the agony to save a few bucks is NOT WORTH IT.

Kick her out.
posted by SeizeTheDay at 7:59 PM on August 20, 2006

Just clarifying for my own curiosity's sake: Who cheated on who?

She cheated on him, and then she caught him with another guy is how I read this. That's one hell of a way to get back at your wife...
posted by M.C. Lo-Carb! at 8:30 PM on August 20, 2006

I'm no law expert, but why is he still paying half of all the utilities? He doesn't live there, he just happens to own half of the value of the house and lot when sold. If he stops paying that, makes sure his name is off all the utilities, then why does he care who lives there as long as the place is well maintained?

I'm sure what bugs him is that he is paying half of the utilities while the 'other guy' lives there. This could be really bad advice, I hope it just makes you think. As others have said, separate the emotion.
posted by maxpower at 8:31 PM on August 20, 2006

M.C. Lo-Carb no. She cheated on him once and told him about it, then after they worked through that, she cheated on him again and he caught her.
Sorry for the confusion.
posted by Jonsnews at 8:51 PM on August 20, 2006

after that catching him with another guy

Don't you mean, "after that catching HER with another guy"? I think that's where the confusion is coming in.
posted by mediareport at 8:55 PM on August 20, 2006

head spins.
posted by brandz at 8:57 PM on August 20, 2006

So she's cheated on him TWICE and he's paying half the utilities? Dropping off tools so she can do the lawn? He should be living there and she should be paying all of the mortage!

Either have him make a legal bind contract where the house gets sold by x date, which shold be yesterday, quit paying for her stuff and quit going over there. He's asking for trouble at this point and gonna find himself in a lot of emotional pain.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 9:14 PM on August 20, 2006

I agree with the others that there should be an agreement that the house be sold by a certain date; if it's not sold by that date, she agrees to buy out his interest. Frankly, I'm a little surprised that she didn't buy out his interest as part of the divorce. Was there any language in the divorce decree covering the sale of the house?

Is the brother-in-law working with a realtor to sell the house? He should be, since clearly he's got a stronger interest in getting it sold. The new boyfriend could be an issue if he decides to hang out and play videogames while the house is being shown to prospective buyers: that is flat-out unacceptable.
posted by adamrice at 7:06 AM on August 21, 2006

Yeah, in that case, he's getting the shaft here. If I were him, I'd kick her out and move back into the house. Let her off the hook for her half of the mortgage if that's what it takes.

I agree with adamrice that it would probably help sell the house if some schlub isn't hanging around.
posted by M.C. Lo-Carb! at 7:35 AM on August 21, 2006

My opinion? Give the "insert expletive here" a month to get out and pay a company to find a buyer ASAP. Pay whatever it costs to get rid of that house.

Agreed. The best way to do this is just find a decent realtor and say "I need to sell this house NOW" and he'll pick a price that's below market value and it will sell quickly, probably to someone who's going to resell it, but you'll get away with more money than those "buy your house for cash" places.

Then cut all ties and thank God that they (I assume) don't have any children together.
posted by dagnyscott at 11:47 AM on August 21, 2006 [1 favorite has favorites]