Should I tell My GF about New Girl X?

August 20, 2006 7:14 PM

My life was peachy with my girl of 8 years until Miss X showed up. Now I find myself questioning things. I want to maintain both relationships but I can't see how. Is it possible?

Well to summarise, sequence of events:
Current:
1. I've been in a relationship with this one girl from 18--26. She was my first gf, I was her first bf.

2. As a relationship, we are rockyish. Let me elaborate. She comes from a severely effed up family. We're talking the kind of people who are so dysfunctional you tend to wonder how they get out of bed. She's always been different from them. Has a very soft, happy, nice nature.

3. Things were tough at the start, I was too young to understand what I was dealing with, and to some extents she was too. As we've grown older, we've both realised how her family has been messing her up and how she sees the world as totally different as to how it can be. So, the point is -- she's getting better (where better means more "normal" or less chaosy).

4. Sometimes (often) we end up in basics. "you never liked me, you don't like me, you hate me". I have to do a lot of reassuring and pacification. Sometimes she can be outright hurtful, crude and insenstive/selfish. Pointy things are said. I have to suck it up to prevent battles. Point being it takes effort to keep this thing going. A lot of understanding. And a lot of tender love.

5. We're an hour apart via distance and have been for the last 3 years. This should change within the next 6 months.

6. She's got insecurity issues (other women, my faithfulness etc) -- NONE of which are something I've caused her to have. When she was very young (19-20) she'd get upset at me buying the paper (The Times -- Broadsheet) but she's improved a lot. We can actually go in and watch a movie although I know I'll get the "you couldn't get your eyes off her" comments when we come out. TBH, this really upsets me , I've learned to live with it.

7. Otherwise, we get along like two ponies in a dewy meadow with plenty of carrots and lots of hay.

Recently:
a. Met a girl, random girl, just a "hi how are you, I'm X, what's happening situation". No romantic inclination,etc. Just random meeting.

b. Met same girl 2-3 times in the week, got to the point where at the end of the week I was looking for her.

c. Found, after another week, I'm attracted to this girl. What attracts me?
- She's smart [so is my gf, this one is somehow sharper]
- She's VERY laid back [my gf is not]
- Sameish wavelength [thoughts on God, life, the universe]
d. I get hints from the girl that she feels the same way about me. These are just hints.

I start to freak out. I also start to deeply question my current relationship. TBH, the thing that REALLY makes me attracted to her is her very laid-back, relaxed nature. Everything is face-value. No hidden meanings, no suspicion.

Is this normal? will it pass? Should i break off all contact with girl two? I'm totally confused. I want to maintain my current relationship, but I don't want to let this new person out of my life. If however, experience dictates both are impossible, I will kick out girl X.

Most importantly: Should I talk to my current gf about this? I want to, but deep down I know even if I open my mouth and say "look, it's just a weird thing, I don't know what to do" it will probably mean her going hysterical and me enduring a life-time of suspicion and/or pain. I haven't done anything, and don't intend to, maybe I should keep my mouth shut.

posted by gadha to human relations (29 comments total)

I think my question is *why* do you want to maintain things with girl A? If your current relationship requires this much effort just to be normal, why take on that sort of liability?

A relationship shouldn't be a nightmarish, "shit, I hope she isn't going to freak out at me tonight, maybe she'll be normal today" experience. That's a good sign that you could be doing better. You should be in a relationship that consists of quiet, logical understanding. You should realize that, while some people find value in being the "rock" for someone, and truly understanding them and their messed up ways, that things are so much better when there are no messed up ways *to* understand.

Having dated several near-psychotic (cutting, bulimic, depressed, etc.) colleged-aged girls, and having sense moved on to someone completely stable, intelligent, mature and adult about things, the difference is enormous. I no longer worry about her as a liability. I no longer have to second guess myself on anything, and I know that we'll handle things like adults.

It sounds like you don't have that with your current girl. It sounds like she makes even basic day-to-day experiences a complete nightmare. You shouldn't be concerned that your girl is going to freak out when you go to a movie or, wtf, buy a newspaper.

New girl sounds like a refreshing change of pace.

Think about a future with so much less maintaining the glue of the relationship and hoping your paper mache model doesn't fall apart, versus getting to spend that time building up the structure and truly enjoying yourself. That's all it comes down to.

Don't let longevity and a feeling that you truly "get" someone, no matter how great said feeling might be, get in the way of what needs to be an objective look at how the relationship truly works for you.

Look at pursuing things with new girl, and look at taking a break/separating from old girl. You'll really appreciate it.
posted by disillusioned at 7:29 PM on August 20, 2006

and, of course, sense = since. sigh.
posted by disillusioned at 7:29 PM on August 20, 2006

I wouldn't mention the new girl to your girlfriend. I also wouldn't cheat on your girlfriend behind her back.

I would sit down and figure out what you want from a relationship. Take these two particular women out of the equation, and figure out what is important to you. Are you getting that in your current relationship?

If not, it may be time to reconsider your relationship, and this new woman may be triggering that push toward change, but you should consider ending that relationship regardless of whether doing so will get you the new woman. If you are getting what you need in your current relationship, then yes, I think you should limit your relationship with this new woman. If I were your girlfriend (and I'm nowhere near as jealous as you've made her out to be), I would have severe problems with you remaining good friends with her (or pursuing the relationship to become good friends).
posted by occhiblu at 7:32 PM on August 20, 2006

Is this normal?

Yes. Even if you're married, you'll come across a person or two that you'll realize "might have been". Nobody ever talks about it, but it happens. Just soak up the feeling, DON'T ACT ON IT, enjoy it and perhaps try to build some sort of relationship from it that doesn't harm your main relationship.

will it pass?

Everything passes in life. The question is "Will you regret it's passing and look back thinking you should have done something"

Should i break off all contact with girl two?

Only if you've decided that you want to stay with girl one, but you find girl two distracting.

Does girl two KNOW there is a girl one? If you haven't menioned girl one to girl two, then you're probably thinking of something.


Should I talk to my current gf about this?

Originaly, I'd say no, but look, this is a long term relationship, you should be able to talk about these things with her. It sounds like you're afraid passed on past experiences and that's no way to live with someone you love.

Maybe it's time to this relationship and experience others.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 7:33 PM on August 20, 2006

Fortune cookie : "Don't Confuse Comfort with Happiness"
and you don't really sound too comfortable.
8 yrs with girlfriend ? (once referred to a the "Seven Year Itch") Where are you going ?
It may be time to move on, before involving others, children ? Marriage ? good luck .
posted by Agamenticus at 7:51 PM on August 20, 2006

If you want to break up your relationship with your girlfriend, break it up because of problems within that relationship. Girl X probably seems great since you're just flirting casually. She's making no demands on you at all, and it's easy to fall for someone like that, especially if you're in a relationship with someone who's needy.

Keep Girl X as a friend, decide what to do with your relationship independent of her. If you stay with your girlfriend, you have a friend. If you break up with the girlfriend, maybe you can be with Girl X after you heal.
posted by christinetheslp at 8:06 PM on August 20, 2006

It doesn't sound like there's any hope you can talk to your girlfriend about this (and the way you described what you'd want to say sounded very reasonable to me). A relationship where after eight years, you can't share this, is a relationship I'd want to move on from.

Girl X - no one can say. Like other people have said, how you deal with her depends on what you want to do about your girlfriend, and when you're in one relationship I think it's impossible to judge the potential of a different one.
posted by crabintheocean at 8:22 PM on August 20, 2006

You've already given up on Girl 1. You're just looking for permission to leave. Go ahead.
posted by SPrintF at 8:34 PM on August 20, 2006

People in their first relationship often don't know when to say when. They fall so much in love with the idea of being in love that they fail to see that the relationship has gone to crap. (believe me, I've been there...)

It sounds to me like you're fairly unhappy in your current relationship. If you have to have "state of the union" talks weekly or even monthy, after 8 years, there's a lack of trust. If she accuses you of looking at others constantly, there's a lack of trust. If you have to constantly watch your step and be careful of what you say, there's a lack of understanding and trust.

The important thing is for you to realize that this bickering, these fights, this act you're putting on - they aren't normal things. You should be able to be yourself, and if she can't accept that, then it's quite possibly time to move on.

Don't get me wrong, there will be times, even in great relationships, where you find yourself attracted to others. You certainly shouldn't act on all of these impulses. In fact, I don't think this new girl should play any role in your decision. What I'm concerned with is the fact that it sounds like your current relationship isn't making you truly happy, and you need to take a step back, and decide what's best for you.

Things you're not allowed to take into consideration: How hard it will be to tell her, how hard it will be to get your stuff back, how hurt she'll be, how your family will react.

Just sit down and think about whether you'd be happier without the constant battles and with the freedom to be yourself.
posted by chrisamiller at 8:35 PM on August 20, 2006 [5 favorites]

I agree with SPrintF: you've already decided you want to leave, you just can't quite bring yourself to do it and are looking for someone to tell you it's OK.

...we can't do that for you.

I am an amoral monster, but if I were in your place I'd run a few thought-experiments: what if things never get better with Girl A? What if they get worse? How would I feel if I dump Girl A and Girl X rejects me?

There's a grid of possibilities here; draw it all out and consider how you'd feel if each outcome came to pass. You'll probably find that things aren't even distributed, which gives you your answer.
posted by aramaic at 8:55 PM on August 20, 2006

*evenly distributed.
posted by aramaic at 9:00 PM on August 20, 2006

Flirting is fun in the beginning. In a few years, girl X will become girl A. Then what next....Girl Y?

Only God knows....
posted by teapot at 9:08 PM on August 20, 2006

It's good to find yourself questioning your relationship, but it's important to ask fair, productive questions, and it's just as important not to make unfair comparisons.

For example, I don't think it's fair to compare Girl 1, about whom you know everything, with Girl 2, about whom you really know absolutely nothing at all. I also think that once we start to have doubts, we tend to selectively sample our experiences - we notice bad things at home, but we only see good things on the other side of the fence.

So, I don't think you should ask "will I be happier with Girl 2?", because you don't have enough data, and what little you do have is probably skewed. Better questions are: "Am I happy with Girl 1? If not, what am I unhappy about? Is there anything she's unhappy about? Is this something we can change? Do we both think it's worth changing?"
posted by obiwanwasabi at 9:16 PM on August 20, 2006 [2 favorites]

...what are you getting out of the relationship with your gf? I don't mean to sound prick-ish but you mention that it takes tender love to "keep things going" But..shouldn't the love be the reason for things to just be?

I just got out of a very similar situation (each other's first real relationship from the beginning of college and it lasted 4.5yrs) and sometimes, as Agamenticus's fortune cookie says, you can confuse comfort with happiness.

Don't. You owe that to yourself and your girlfriend.
(You also don't want to cause the inevitable pain that will occur if you a)cheat on your gf with girl X, or b)tell your gf your feelings for girl X)
It sucks, I'm sorry. Good luck
posted by Eudaimonia at 9:28 PM on August 20, 2006

Based on a similar experience, the best thing to do is to break up with your current girlfriend. You're just going to end up resenting her if you don't give yourself a chance to see where things with this new girl could lead.

Since you've been in a relationship for 8 years, I'm guessing there is something about this new girl that really does it for ya. If you let it pass you, you'll regret it for a long, long time. You already know what you have with your current relationship...do you think you'll be satisfied with that kind of relationship for the rest of your life?
posted by JFunk2800 at 9:38 PM on August 20, 2006

My humble opinion is that you should break it off with Girl 1 anyways. It's obvious that you care for her very much, and she doesn't sound like a bad person, but it seems that she has some issues that she has to deal with on her own (I had a relationship of 3 years that was similar, I don't know how you lasted 8 years).

Anyways, Since you care for her, and I'm sure that you want her to find someone that makes her happy, AFTER she's dealt with her issues (really, its awesome to see that other person realize what they were doing to you, and make an effort to change it in their next relationship)... Make sure you don't jump into another relationship for a while (that she can find out about, at least... if you're half way across the country, its not so bad, an hour away... thats harder to keep something like that a secret.)

Anyways... I've said my peace/piece... carry on...
posted by hatsix at 9:55 PM on August 20, 2006

I've been in that situation of staying in the relationship way too long just because you've been in it so long (over 4 years). In my case, it wasn't worth it, and it didn't get much better over time. I kept telling myself that she would handle it so badly that I couldn't break up with her (in hindsight, just a lame excuse so I did not have to face facts about her and about myself).

I didn't have that temptation outside of the relationship, but at one point I realized that it was just so much work to keep it going, and the only thing I was getting out of the relationship was that I was still with her. After college it went on to be long-distance for quite a few months, and then I ended it.

We didn't speak for over two years after that, and finally ran into each other at a friend's wedding last month. I attempted to say hello; it was obvious she still had tremendous anger towards me, and she barely responded. Didn't bother me in the least, as I went back over to the table with my beautiful wife, where I showed other friends the pictures of our two wonderful children.

Don't stay with her just to stay with her. It's not fair to you, certainly not fair to her. I knew I didn't want to spend the rest of my life with my ex even while we were together, but I certainly acted that way in the relationship. The next one, and the eventual one, won't be a magical relationship without any problems. But it should be someone that makes you happy to be with them. Don't base this decision on the new girl, just consider it a kick in the pants to look at where you are now. Good luck.
posted by shinynewnick at 9:59 PM on August 20, 2006 [1 favorite]

It sounds like your relationship with the original girlfriend has had its issues since the beginning, and most of them are not going away. Someone above said it well when they said people in first relationships often don't know when to say when.

It might be time to consider ending that regardless of having met another girl - it has just taken meeting someone to wake you up to that.


Independently of that -- be wary of your interest in the other girl. A part of it is that "new car smell", to use a kind of bad analogy. There's something about the initial stages of getting to know someone that's just so exciting, and compared to your day to day with a long time girlfriend it's going to seem better every time, even if it turns out after a few months that this girl is nothing compared to the girl you're with.

That's not to say this girl couldn't turn out to be the cat's pajamas - but just remember that the good feelings you get being around her are being measured relative to something, whether you know it or not.
posted by twiggy at 10:16 PM on August 20, 2006

I agree with everyone who's mentioned the "Nu Kar smell" factor with regard to Girl X.

That said, your situation with Girl A sounds like it has some serious and painful inequities, no matter how nice the Dewy-Eyed Pair-a'-Ponies parts are.

As a data point, I'll tell you that I had a similar situation several years ago. I'd been in a rocky, miserable, but extremely compelling relationship with Boy A for about three years. Then I met Boy X. Boy X and I didn't even live in the same country at the time, but my attraction to him cast a light on my scene with Boy A that let me see it for what it really was. I subsequently broke up with Boy A. I had no expectations about what might happen with Boy X when I dropped Boy A, in fact, I planned to spend at least a couple of years playing the field. Nonetheless, things with Boy X progressed. Now, seven years later, I am Mrs. X, and it's an amazing, brilliant, beautiful thing.

Good luck.
posted by palmcorder_yajna at 11:11 PM on August 20, 2006 [3 favorites]

You know, sometimes it's better to be alone than to be constantly trying to keep someone else afloat. At least that's my experience.

Take your time and stable ladies will find you. Stable ladies are amazing.
posted by clango at 11:40 PM on August 20, 2006

I agree with everyone else. It sounds like you should think about whether you want to continue to "suck it up" and otherwise put in the effort you describe. Prior to noticing Girl X, you were fantasizing about having anonymous sex with a couple. Is Girl X just Escape From The Relationship Fantasy # 2?

Before that, you asked about recurring thoughts of being a failure and that you "torture [your]self from waking to sleep." To me, that somehow relates to you being willing to put up with the BS and chaos with your current gf. Makes me wonder if rather than focusing on Girl A vs. Girl X, you should just focus on yourself. Who knows if they'll be around in five years, but you'll still be hanging out with yourself. Work you put into that relationship will definitely be worthwhile.
posted by beatrice at 12:22 AM on August 21, 2006 [1 favorite]

Miss X is a red herring. Her only importance to this issue right now is that meeting her was the wake-up call to your current unhappiness. Do not tell your current girlfriend about your feelings for Miss X. That instinct is destructive. It's the result of you looking for an easy way to avoid making a decision, because once you tell your current girlfriend, the backlash will force the decision. Potentially, this default decision could go either way, but the important thing is that you're trying to outsource the responsibility of taking control of your life. Don't pursue any course with Miss X that might lead to cheating. Your girlfriend has had enough people close to her betray her already.

You will have to force yourself to have the will power to make a proactive decision and stick to it. The instinct to weasel out of a decision by letting things "take their course" (in either direction, staying or going) will be strong. Ask yourself: Are your needs being met in your current relationship? Which essential intimacy needs are not being met, and how can you proactively work with your girlfriend to fix them? If there is no solution or your girlfriend is unwilling to meet your needs, then maybe it's time to move on. On the other hand, maybe you can reconcile the trust and imbalance of caretaking issues and you can fulfill other, non-intimate, needs through outside friendships (e.g. maybe you're into model trains and your girlfriend is not, so join a club.)

It's unfair for you to take on the responsibility of caretaking of your girlfriend without her also taking care of you. Also, you should receive credit for the trust you've earned, regardless of any guilt you might have over your own private thoughts about Miss X. These two inequalities in your relationship are probably deal breakers for you, but, on the other hand, they can also be made better with hard work, communication and/or individual and couples counseling. You will have to make a leap of faith. Ultimately, it is a context-free decision about what is important to you and who you want to become.

Almost everyone avoids making life altering decisions until the decisions make themselves. That's why there is so much infidelity and so many unhappy marriages and careers and lives. It's a heroic act to live deliberately.

It helps to have a deadline for this kind of decision and, for better or worse, you have one. It would be very irresponsible to move into a cohabitation situation with your current girlfriend when you have these strong doubts. It's potentially unfair for her to move her life to just have to start over again in a new town without the stability of your relationship and it's foolhardy for you to entangle your emotional and financial resources in a relationship that you're unsure of.
posted by Skwirl at 1:10 AM on August 21, 2006 [6 favorites]

The fact that your current gf has been your only gf is the telling thing here. I don't think you'll be able to really apply what you've learned from this relationship till you leave it. In this day and age, sticking with your first sweetheart is usually a bad thing for everyone involved.
posted by rikschell at 5:06 AM on August 21, 2006

There's something about the initial stages of getting to know someone that's just so exciting, and compared to your day to day with a long time girlfriend it's going to seem better every time,

The poly folk (whom I got embroiled in a 1200 posting monster with 5 or 6 years ago for the presumably complimentary observation that I felt they were likely to be more emotionally mature than non-polyfolk; go figure) call this New Relationship Energy and -- being processing-oriented people -- they've done some thinking about it.
posted by baylink at 7:04 AM on August 21, 2006

You've only been with one girl your whole life - of course you're going to find yourself attracted to someone else at some point. You've never had any other experiences, and you want to know what it might be like, and you realize that however great your girlfriend is, she isn't perfect, and what would it be like to be with other people? This feeling may go away with this girl, but it's not going to go away forever, especially if you marry the only person you've ever dated.

Maybe you and your girlfriend need to have a break to figure out if you're right for each other in the long term, get some perspective on the relationship. Sleep with/date other people. Then you'll be in a better position to judge whether your girlfriend is the right person for you. Of course, she may not wait around....
posted by Dasein at 8:06 AM on August 21, 2006

I think my read of this situation is in accord with the majority of commenters here:

1. After 8 years of togetherness, it's notable that you do not mention marriage at all in your original post. That indicates to me that you're not interested in marrying your current gf, and that the future for you two looks hazy. It sounds like you have a close bond with your current gf, but that she isn't "the one".

2. Noticing an attraction to a new girl ("girl x") could be a warning sign that you are ready to move on from your current relationship. That doesn't mean girl x is "the one", either, she might just be a brief transitional fling.

3. Don't mention girl x to your current gf. Girl x is not the issue; your relationship with your current gf is the issue. Talk with your gf about possibly living apart and having a dating relationship. This new circumstance will help you both figure out your independent feelings about your relationship. You might find you want to move back in with her, or you might find you want to break the whole thing off.

4. As for girl x, it sounds like the timing is wrong. If she's right for you, she'll be available when you are.
posted by Sprout the Vulgarian at 8:19 AM on August 21, 2006

The mention of being closer together in 6 months sends up a flag to me. You need to figure out what sort of future you would like before people uproot their lives and move into an uncertain situation.
posted by robocop is bleeding at 9:49 AM on August 21, 2006

As a thought experiment, let's talk about a completely hypothetical couple. He is very jealous, due to the extremely dysfunctional family he comes from. She is very nuturing and puts up with his jealously, because the good times are so good. His jealousy goes beyond any normal or even rational behavior; he gets upset when she goes shopping, or to pick up a magazine. After watching a movie, he berates her for looking at the handsome actors.

Most adults would characterize him as emotionally abusive and dangerously controlling of her. Many would tell her to run, not walk, away from this man. Some would pull out statistics that this type of controlling behavior often tends to get worse, not better, as time goes by.

Oh, wait, this isn't a hypothetical couple... I think you can probably see where I'm going with this. We hear a lot about women in abusive relationships, but a woman can also be the abusive one.

It sounds like your situation is abusive. Get out of it. Break up with her cleanly and honestly. Don't complicate it with a confession that will vindicate her jealously, and don't start an affair with Miss X until you have broken it off with Miss A.

A good friend went through a very similar thing with an extremely jealous woman. I won't go into details, as its not my story to tell, other than that eventually SHE had an affair with another guy then left my friend for her Guy X. He was a little angry, but mostly relieved, and is now SO much happier and healthier without her around.
posted by Cranialtorque at 7:51 PM on August 21, 2006

You've been with her since 18! You can't possibly be thinking of spending the rest of your life with her, because there's so much you haven't seen and done. She might be from a fucked up family, but that's not your fault. There's every chance you'll end up resenting having to pay the price for her neurosis, and don't get me wrong, it is a neurosis. It's NOT normal to act as insecure and jealous as she does. You have the right to see what a different, less neurotic relationship is like. Girl X might be neurotic too, probably is, but it's highly unlikely she'd be worse than Girl A. You've only got one life, so knock off the martyr complex and grow some balls. Go for it.
posted by Mr. Gunn at 7:17 PM on August 22, 2006