How can I become less shy about my singing?

August 21, 2006 4:51 AM

I'm a fourteen-year-old cellist and singer who experiences no trepidation in practicing the former—in our finished basement or otherwise—but who is intractably reluctant to practice the latter, either upstairs with the piano or downstairs. This is beginning to present a problem.

I'm good at both—not excellent, but good enough that my family, which is incredibly musical/supportive/thoughtful/artsy/loving/kind/etc. in every way imaginable, reassures me that I should practice however and whenever feasible and useful. (There's a certain amount of perfectly amicable logistical planning that goes on in this regard, because all four of us play or sing in some way.)

This is, therefore, not really a family issue, at least not directly, though I can't (yet) say whether it would be less problematic if I lived alone. (Obviously, out of the question for some time.)

This is not radical music we're talking about—Dowland, for example, which is both pretty tame and representative of my/our tastes in general. So conflicting taste isn't the issue.

I'm somewhat shy in other ways too, which may be related to this particular problem, if only tangentially. And yet I have no qualms about singing, alone or otherwise, as a sort of family activity—something we've done more and more over the years. It's just a matter of my own practicing, solo.

How, then, can I become less shy about my singing? I do have a voice teacher, with whom I'm very open, and who I think has a pretty good handle on my personality. Should I raise this with her, or with my parents directly?

My apologies for the length of this post—I've posted this anonymously for familial reasons, but I am, at any rate, rather new to MetaFilter.

posted by anonymous to Media & Arts (19 answers total)

Talk to your teacher and your parents. Best to have an all-round strategy to help this.

And if I may say, you're possibly the single most articulate 14 year old I have ever met.
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 5:10 AM on August 21, 2006

I still have this problem. It helps to have practice time when no one else is home.

Practice is different -- you're very exposed, you're making mistakes, trying things that might not sound good -- and singing is even more exposed than cello. Also, I'm not sure how bad the cello can sound, but bad singing (and some of your practice should sound "bad", else why bother) is embarrassing.

Take your feelings seriously. Don't try to change them, but work _with_ them.
posted by amtho at 5:26 AM on August 21, 2006

I was a shy child (insecure, etc). I made up a series of excercises for myself, basically forcing myself to do the things that brought out my insecurities: go into the store and talk to the pretty salesgirl, talk in class, etc.
So figure out what situations bring out your shyness and force yourself into them.
posted by signal at 5:43 AM on August 21, 2006

When I studied music in college, I found that it was pretty easy to isolate myself in one of the dozens of soundproof practice rooms in the school basement, where I felt much more free to practice without being concerned about others hearing or seeing me. Many people even taped sheets over paper over the small window in the door to have total privacy.

Maybe one of your instructors can get you access to a universiity practice room once or twice a week?
posted by kdern at 6:39 AM on August 21, 2006

I8217;m going to go ahead and de-anonymize this thread, mostly because this is, I realize, not a particularly sensitive topic. In retrospect, I couldn8217;t care less that Google knows I8217;m anxious about practicing. Besides, I want to reply, and I didn8217;t have the wits to include an e-mail address.

Thanks151;muchly151;for all of your replies.

dirtynumbangelboy:

Talk to your teacher and your parents. Best to have an all-round strategy to help this.

8216;Spect this is probably the most sensible course of action151;my parents and I are very close151;and while it occurred to me, I8217;m not altogether sure why it didn8217;t strike me particularly well on first blush. This would be a good idea even if I/we take one of the other suggestions as well.

amtho:

I still have this problem. It helps to have practice time when no one else is home.

A good idea, but not often possible151;both of my parents work at home.

It occurs to me that closing windows (in spring/summer/etc.) might help as well, since that will muffle the sound for my poor neighbors.

Practice is different -- you're very exposed, you're making mistakes, trying things that might not sound good -- and singing is even more exposed than cello. Also, I'm not sure how bad the cello can sound, but bad singing (and some of your practice should sound "bad", else why bother) is embarrassing.

That8217;s it, really151;even when I sound bad on cello, the sound isn8217;t coming (directly) from me. Also, my teacher is having me work on a projection technique she refers to as 8220;bad Victorian acting,8221; which, as the name implies, involves volume, broad gestures, etc. For a while, at least, when I sound bad, I8217;ll sound bad loudly.

signal:

I was a shy child (insecure, etc). I made up a series of excercises for myself, basically forcing myself to do the things that brought out my insecurities: go into the store and talk to the pretty salesgirl, talk in class, etc.
So figure out what situations bring out your shyness and force yourself into them.

I would describe myself as shy but not insecure, I suppose. Even so, this is less of an issue151;whatever other kind of shyness I have doesn8217;t prevent me from doing what8217;s necessary, as this one does. I only mentioned it because I thought in might shed some light on the origins of the problem, and perhaps it doesn8217;t.

kdern:

Maybe one of your instructors can get you access to a universiity practice room once or twice a week?

The nearest university is some ways away, but as I8217;ll be going into high school this September it8217;s possible that I can arrange something there. Ideally, though, I8217;d like to practice at home.

Thanks again151;you8217;ve both confirmed some of my own half-conscious suspicions and raised some good possibilities for me/us to investigate.
posted by cmyers at 7:35 AM on August 21, 2006

Ouch—I guess I went a bit overboard with the HTML entities. Sorry 'bout that—they showed up fine on preview.
posted by cmyers at 7:35 AM on August 21, 2006

Our children are singers. It's absolutely wonderful to hear them sing -- bring such happiness to me. Don't be shy of singing, it's a gift to anyone around, and practice is specially lovely to hear. In fact hearing either of our daughters practice solo is in a way the best, because of its openness (which maybe is why you feel shy about it?)

During practice you're more vulnerable -- recognising that might help get you past it. (I'd be sad not to hear practice here!)
posted by anadem at 7:46 AM on August 21, 2006

In fact hearing either of our daughters practice solo is in a way the best, because of its openness (which maybe is why you feel shy about it?)

That's exactly it—I'm open-minded but not open, if you get what I mean, and a perfectionist to boot. As far as my self-esteem goes, if I'm not sounding like one of the basses of The Tallis Scholars, I shouldn't even bother.

Moreover, my sister—who's 4.5 years old than I and in college—is much more experienced in singing and music in general, and, I'm inclined to think, much better, period. I'm always acutely aware of the contrast between her singing practice and mine, which is perhaps an inhibition I should get over.

The sense I'm getting from the MeFi community here is that the only real way around is through—that I should talk to my parents and my teacher, yes, but that I should practice, my anxieties be damned, and perhaps my anxieties will lessen as my practicing increases.
posted by cmyers at 7:57 AM on August 21, 2006

Aw, *darn*, cmyers, I had a really good snark cued up about being less worried about your singing than your apostrophes... and you went and apologized. :-)

Have you considered karaoke, where everyone is *supposed* to suck? While much of karaoke tends to be in bars, which you'd have trouble getting into, not all of it is -- quite a bit of it it in restaurant/lounge type places, at least down here in Florida -- and, as I say, the expectations are lower. And if you're taking voice lessons, you're probably going to be an A singer, on the karaoke curve at least (I can always spot the ringers... :-).

At the least, it would give you some practice singing in front of people who dont know you from Eve, or, in general, give much of a crap.

And second: you are *exceptionally* well written. Here's hoping you hang around; you write better than some of our 40 year olds. ;-)
posted by baylink at 8:16 AM on August 21, 2006

Have you considered karaoke, where everyone is *supposed* to suck?

I understand the idea, but I actually had to switch voice teachers (away from a Broadway-type to someone whose taste in classical more closely mirrored my own) because the music itself wasn't interesting enough. Perhaps I'm just adhering to the popular stereotype of karaoke music, but I feel it might pose the same problem.

Were it up to me, I wouldn't sing solo at all—the music that interests me most and with which I'm most comfortable is choral, but that's tricky to do with a one-on-one teacher.
posted by cmyers at 8:52 AM on August 21, 2006

Man I used to hate practicing singing at home because the piano was right in the living room and my mom would always pause to listen to me when she'd walk past the room. It made me so uncomfortable! I was right about 14 too. Finally I had to sit down and tell her "Look, if you want to hear me sing some time, let me know and I will perform a song for you. But I feel really awkward having someone, even you, hear me do scales and all the silly voice exercises and such, and it keeps me from concentrating when you walk past. So can we arrange a time each day where I practice and you stay in your office and don't come in?" She was totally okay with it. I'm sure she could hear me, but for me it was "out of sight, out of mind.
posted by radioamy at 9:26 AM on August 21, 2006

I have been a professional musician for 5 years, and while I have no problem performing in front of a few thousand people, the thought of somebody hearing me practicing gives me the willies. In the past I have solved this by singing in the car. Cars have really good acoustic insulation. I realize you are a couple of years off from driving around by yourself, but you may be able to convince your parents to allow you to just sit in the car in the driveway or garage. Hope that helps!
posted by TheCoug at 10:43 AM on August 21, 2006

Björk says: "I've been singing since I was a little kid. I used to sing walking to school, whether it was raining outside or snowing. In Iceland, you can sing at the top of your lungs, and no one can hear you. Most of my youth was a very euphoric experience, me walking and singing at the top of my lungs. I never thought I'd sing for other people. It was always my secret and my survival kit. I've been singing for many, many years, long before I sang for others. It wasn't really until I was 27 that I sang for others. But singing outside on my own while walking was where my voice developed. It's very acoustic on its own, without microphones."

So maybe you can practice outside, sometimes?
posted by xo at 11:17 AM on August 21, 2006 [1 favorite]

You have two choices:

1) Get over it. You're practicing for your own benefit and no one else's, and whether or not they can hear you is irrelevant. If they understand what you're doing they won't be judging you. Just go for it, and once you make it into a habit you'll forget that they're there.

(This is of course assuming that you'll be practicing in a room by yourself but that other people can hear you through the walls or something. I would never practice in the same room with other people.)

2) Find a place to practice where no one can hear you. This is probably the best course of action.
posted by ludwig_van at 11:24 AM on August 21, 2006

And I say this as a singer who can relate. I've had to record vocals with people in nearby rooms who could hear me. I found it very difficult, and I much prefer to be alone. It's doable, though, if you force yourself to get past the mental hurdle.
posted by ludwig_van at 11:44 AM on August 21, 2006

Assuming you have a piano: does one of your family members play the piano, enabling them to accompany sometimes when you practice? It might seem like this would be worse, but I think this would actually make you feel less exposed, and more like you're playing in an ensemble setting. It probably wouldn't work for some aspects of practicing, though.
posted by advil at 1:26 PM on August 21, 2006

TheCoug: The car is a good idea, but I think I need to be standing.

xo: Neat suggestion, actually—there's a nature preserve nearby, and I could probably tramp around there and sing at the top of my lungs. Will have to try that.

ludwig_van: In the end it'll probably need to be a combination of both approaches, depending on circumstances and logistics.

advil: Not for all parts of practicing, no, but for many of them, especially when I'm working on an actual piece. Given the cozy sorts of musical gatherings we do occasionally, that would assuage much of my discomfort.

Thanks to all of you—you've been tremendously helpful.
posted by cmyers at 1:40 PM on August 21, 2006

A bit of easy, practical advice: turn on the radio downstairs while you're singing. It'll make it a bit harder for them to hear!
posted by gsteff at 5:26 PM on August 21, 2006

read 'The Inner Game of Tennis'. there is a music version, but the tennis book is the best of the series.


read anything you can find by Gordon Jacobs. he was a tuba, is a renown pedagogist no matter what you play.

remember that your instrument is an extension of yourself. think of it like your hand or your foot. when you want to grab something, you dont think 'hand pick this up.' it just 'happens' your music should be the same way. dont 'Prepare to Play, Just Play.' when you feel yourself getting anxious, take a deep breath - happy gilmore style - and clear your thoughts.

get that book. google Gordon Jacobs. breathe. play.

good luck.
posted by Davaal at 7:29 PM on August 21, 2006