How to solve insecurity?

August 12, 2006 10:10 AM

I've been with my girlfriend for 5 1/2 years. She is a lovely person, but was always insecure. I thought as time went on things would get better and she would enjoy life.

However, things seem to be getting worse, if anything. If she thinks anyone doesn't like her - even if she's wrong - she worries constantly about how to make things better, even if it's all imagined in her head. If things aren't perfect, she worries about what she's done wrong. If we have disagreements, she worries that I'm going to hate her, and if I find out that she's worrying, she starts worrying about that too! She's constantly thinking I will go off with someone else, even though I'm just about to buy a house with her. There is nothing she doesn't worry about, to the extent that she can't sleep well and sometimes feels physically sick with anxiety. What can I do to help her? What can she do to help herself?

posted by wibbler to health & fitness (25 answers total)

She needs to see a psychiatrist. You need to be supportive, kind, and decide if you want to stay in the relationship if she doesn't improve. Especially if you two are about to buy a house together, you need to see improvement before you lock yourself into this relationship, knowing that things will either stay just as bad, or get even worse.
posted by ElfWord at 10:20 AM on August 12, 2006

All kidding aside, although you do sound exactly like my boyfriend talking about me.

It sounds like she does have some anxiety issues. Have you discussed her seeing someone about it?
posted by k8t at 10:20 AM on August 12, 2006

Well, I've sort of been at the other end of this... and I think you should look at the list of languages of love (yeah it sounds a little silly). She seems to need love through affirmation, and you should focus on that and not worry so much about the others, and see if it fixes things. Certainly there could be other problems at the root of this, but this is the best thing you can do in the short-term.
posted by zek at 10:24 AM on August 12, 2006 [2 favorites]

I'm in the UK, in case there's any geographical recommendations...
k8t - I've bought her a Paul McKenna book on insecurity, but she hasn't got round to it yet! The next stage would be discussing seeing someone about it.
Elfword - thanks for the advice. I do want to stay with her - everything apart from this anxiety is fine...
posted by wibbler at 10:25 AM on August 12, 2006

As an addendum - she also constantly checks my phone - which seems to be her major concern - and assumes if I'm in the bathroom with my phone in my pocket that I'm texting a secret lover...
posted by wibbler at 10:27 AM on August 12, 2006

Ugh, she sounds like me (except my ex WAS texting someone everytime he took his phone to the bathroom, but that is another story, I was crazy insecure before him, too).

She needs to see someone about it. There are tons of meds out there that would do her a world of good.
posted by necessitas at 10:36 AM on August 12, 2006

Zek, necessitas, maybe we should start a little club with wibbler's girlfriend.
posted by k8t at 10:37 AM on August 12, 2006

Wibbler, has she been cheated on before? Have you cheated on her before?
posted by k8t at 10:38 AM on August 12, 2006

She is insanely in love with you otherwise she wouldn't care. You are insanely in love with her otherwise you would have been long gone by now. The insecurity is probably rooted in something to do with her father which may or may never be resolved for her regardless of psychiatrists or mind altering drugs. Just take care of her and love her like you do. Tolerance is golden.
posted by oh posey at 10:54 AM on August 12, 2006 [1 favorite]

That's me exactly (minus the cheating fantasy) and my relationship of 4.5 yrs recently suffered (read: died) as a result. If she's anything like me, she needs to get out of her own head...something that helped me was going on a trip or volunteering...focusing my energies elsewhere, getting outside myself, and feeling like I was accomplishing something did more wonders for me and my anxiety than Lexapro ever could
posted by Eudaimonia at 10:55 AM on August 12, 2006

Agree with k8t - have you been dating me without my knowledge? I am, or was and am recovering from being, exactly like this. She needs to talk to a doctor or psychiatrist; this kind of anxiety is quite common, albeit pretty severe in her case from the sound of it.

The most important thing you can do for her is not take it personally. I know from experience that this kind of behavior can be frustrating and exhausting to the people who love her, especially you. When she accuses you of cheating or leaving, please know that this is not because she doesn't trust you. I struggled for a long time with knowing, rationally, that my fiance is hopelessly in love with me but still feeling nauseated when I came home from thinking that he wouldn't be there when I opened the door.

She probably knows, somewhere inside, that she's being irrational. But it's important to remember that the fear she feels is just as acute regardless. Please don't mock or trivialize her fears - even when she knows she's acting stupidly, she'll just resent you for it.

Anyway, good luck! She does need to see a doctor, but even when you feel your personal efforts are ineffectual, having someone supportive in her life is a *huge* help.
posted by miagaille at 10:57 AM on August 12, 2006 [1 favorite]

Thanks for all your help so far - I really appreciate it. In fact, it's like "oh posey" is a mind reader - her didn't like her father much, until just before he died in a car accident in January. But she was like this way before - in fact ever since I've met her. Anyone have a list of people that can help in Southern UK (specifically Surrey)?
posted by wibbler at 11:10 AM on August 12, 2006

*than Lexapro did, I mean
posted by Eudaimonia at 11:12 AM on August 12, 2006

PILLS!
posted by delmoi at 12:01 PM on August 12, 2006 [1 favorite]

Reward behavior you want, ignore behavior you don't. It's likely you're unconsciously enabling and encouraging her display. Stop doing it.
posted by zadcat at 12:18 PM on August 12, 2006 [1 favorite]

Try to get her some professional help. Sometimes it really is a physical problem, and medication can help. If it is more of a learned behavior, a professional could help her overcome whatever it is that's creating it.

In any case, good luck and my extreme sympathy to both of you. It's not easy to live with it on either side of the fence.
posted by Meep! Eek! at 3:59 PM on August 12, 2006

Why does no-one ever speak up for any option other than "omg get therapy" in these kind of threads? So she's a little insecure. Learn to live with it, help her get over it. There's no need to go running to a psychiatrist for the least little problems.
posted by reklaw at 5:35 PM on August 12, 2006 [1 favorite]

Wibbler, are you sure you want to be in a relationship with this person? I think you need to be honest with yourself and wither her about how much of this you are willing to put up with before you call it quits. If you don't, you a) condone the behavior that you find antisocial; and b) give her permission to continue treating you yourself in a way that you find objectionable.
posted by drmarcj at 5:53 PM on August 12, 2006

miagaille, I told my bf to read your post.
posted by k8t at 6:31 PM on August 12, 2006

She needs to look into ways to treat her anxiety. There are many options - from medication to meditation - depends on her initiative and consistency. This sound very much par tof who she is - but if you keep thinking it will get better with your support - it won't. She has to think it's a problem. Perhaps your clarity around (Get a grip or we can't continue) will help her. It will stay the same or get worse if you continue the way you are going. Make your choice knowing this.
posted by trii at 6:58 PM on August 12, 2006

She could probably feel better with professional help (and some time for either pills or therapy to work). But it may well be too overwhelming for her to set up on her own. Try to find out if she would like such a thing -- if so, offer to set up appointments and go with her and do as much hand-holding as necessary. Otherwise, seeing a psych (and making any decisions or phone calls about it) is probably just too nauseating to think about. (You may also see if her regular doctor would be willing to work with her on this, if she has one. It's much less anxious, and her doc may be happy to try a few medications to see if something obvious would help.)

I know I would have seen a doc sooner with that kind of assistance -- as it was I didn't until after I'd messed up my dream job with being too sick with anxiety to function. Sometimes it just needs to be really obvious that there is a problem.
posted by Margalo Epps at 10:11 PM on August 12, 2006

I am...just like her. Almost to a T except I realise how irrational and stupid I am when I have these type of thoughts. Of course that doesn't change how I feel. Therapy is unfourtanetly out of my reach for the moment and the only (temporary) solution I have found is to talk. You want to help her, you feel her pain and that is the most that you can be asked for. I'm usually soothed from my paranoia when my boyfriend holds my face in his hands, looks straight into my eyes and tells me he loves me and no one else. I know it's hard but you just have to be there for her. She's probably just as confused and hurt as you are.

However, you have been together for five years now and one would hope it would have died down at least a little by now. Maybe seeking some sort of professional help could be an option for you both to look into.
posted by liquorice at 12:25 AM on August 13, 2006

Thanks k8t! And also, wibbler, make sure to tell her that she's not alone - a little prodding makes us all come out of the woodwork. God bless the folks who put up with us.
posted by miagaille at 8:26 AM on August 13, 2006

Maybe you guys could talk about it a little more and try to figure out why or what you can do to fix it. Like if you get mad or in a disagreement, explain that you don't hate "her" but are upset at the current situation, and you will still love her after it blows over. Or ask her what she needs to feel more secure. Maybe she just needs you to say "I love you" more or tell her how awesome she is.

But if she's getting physically sick with anxiety, she should probably see a doctor.

p.s. Does she have any friends/family that are encouraging this behavior? I once had a friend that I would share my concerns with and she would subtly make me feel even more insecure. I'm not sure if she ever realized she was doing it, but when I finally caught on, I distanced myself from her and it has helped a lot. We still remain friends and talk/hang out often, but I don't share too much of myself with her anymore. It's sad and was hard, but worth it. Also, I took up yoga within the last year (see trii's comment) and according to my SO, I've been a much happier person (so much so that he can tell when I've been skipping class!) and less insecure. Not sure why, maybe because I feel better about myself afterwards. Anyway, just a few things to consider. Best of luck to both of you.
posted by ml98tu at 7:35 PM on August 13, 2006

reklaw: Why does no-one ever speak up for any option other than "omg get therapy" in these kind of threads? So she's a little insecure. Learn to live with it, help her get over it. There's no need to go running to a psychiatrist for the least little problems.

The OP said: "There is nothing she doesn't worry about, to the extent that she can't sleep well and sometimes feels physically sick with anxiety."

That doesn't sound like a "least little problem" to me. Also, the kind of paranoia he's describing in "She's constantly thinking I will go off with someone else, even though I'm just about to buy a house with her" doesn't sound "a little insecure" to me.

If you have issues with therapy, then don't go to a therapist. We're all just giving our own advice based on our own experiences.
posted by Meep! Eek! at 8:34 PM on August 13, 2006