wwMFd?

August 7, 2006 9:42 PM

Crime(?) Filter - My father has accused my boyfriend of stealing. Ugh. Horrible situation. What to do?

I am in a semi-new relationship (6 wks) with a wonderful guy, who to this point, I dont have any reason not to trust. We've spent a lot of time together, have shared tons of background info, embarrasing sex stories, you name it. Hes been nothing but sweet and wonderful to me, and I see/saw great promise in this relationship. Today, my dad called and accused him of stealing a piece of jewlery and an art print from when we went to visit a few weeks ago. He states that he showed my boyfriend the art print, and no one else knew about it. I dont remember the print, neither does my boyfriend, and when pressed - my father admits that he cant specifically remember showing it to him.
My boyfriend denies taking anything. There has been no (obvious) influx of money as of late. In fact, there
has been a few things he really wanted money for, and was totally broke and couldnt pay for it. I saw a
bank statement, which has negative money in his account. I also cannot see how my boyfriend could have
rolled up these art prints and stuffed it in a bag without me noticing. To say the least, I have no idea why he would risk our relationship, considering how he feels about me and how wonderful the past six weeks have been. I'm between a rock and a hard place. I feel horrible, and don't know what to do.
My boyfriend has spoken with my father, denied it, but doesnt know what else to do either. Now my dad wants to run a background check. I belive my boyfriend, but since it is a new relationship (and due to my own insecurities) I still have fear. He has even let me look around his place (found nothing).
Ive never been very close with my father. He is highly irresponsible, and a party dude - but I know he cares
about me and is in fear for my safety. Can anyone suggest a plan of action here? Is there any? I feel
horribly torn, scared, embarrased, angry. BTW, Im an adult, in California, etc.

posted by anonymous to human relations (16 comments total)

Plan of action?

Doesn't seem that there's much you can do. Polygraph? No way. If your dad wants to run a background check, I assume he'll do so; he certainly has enough information about your boyfriend to do it. I'm sure if anything untoward comes up, he'll let you know. And if your boyfriend really is an untrustworthy, thieving son-of-a-bitch, you'll find out soon enough with no uncertainty.

Until then, you know the two men better than any of us do, and it's pretty clear from the question which one of them you're more apt to trust.
posted by mr_roboto at 10:08 PM on August 7, 2006

You already knew that your father, an irresponsible party dude, is capable of making mistakes.

You already knew that your boyfriend, a human being about whom you have limited information, is (theoretically) capable of theft.

You haven't received any new information.

Maybe just say to yourself, "this is strange" and be on the lookout for further information.
posted by StickyCarpet at 10:09 PM on August 7, 2006

It sounds like your dad really doesn't have a very solid reason to suspect him, especialy the way he later said that maybe he didn't even show him the art print. (However, I do wonder where it went--if someone broke in while you guys were gone, wouldn't they have taken better things, like a TV?) I've never been good with things like this, but I can't help but wonder if your dad is simply resistant to the idea of someone dating his child?

I'd be totally freaked out if someone I was dating tried to get me to do a background check. (I have a clean record.) If you dislike the idea of the background check, don't do it. However, if you have any doubt yourself, you could hide your own doubts with those of your father, and ask him to do the background check to appease your father. (However, I also worry that, if he had a conviction at age 18 for petty shoplifting, it's going to be proof to your dad that he stole his jewelry and that you shouldn't date him.)

I think it's totally up to you how to proceed: if you think your father is way off base, forget the whole thing, explain to your dad that your boyfriend even let you look around his house and you found nothing, and that you really wish he'd drop it. But if you have the nagging feeling that I sometimes do that maybe there's some truth in the advice I'm given, you might have a cover to ask your boyfriend to do the background test without seeming like you're the one that doesn't trust him.
posted by fogster at 10:09 PM on August 7, 2006

Background check? Just because it may come back "clean" doesn't mean he isn't a thief. But, I do not think he is a thief at this point based on what you wrote.

I would tell your Dad to shove it and stop making accusations until he has some solid proof. Maybe he is using the boyfriend to cover for the fact he hocked them to get money for his partying or whatever.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 10:37 PM on August 7, 2006

If Dad is an irresponsible party dude, maybe he had a big party at which one of his other guests swiped the stuff? Ask Party Dad if anybody else had been at his house around that time. I could imagine a scenario in which Dad hosts party, Dad gets wasted, Dad's guests help themselves to goodies, Dad won't admit he was too plastered to know what was happening in his own house, Dad accuses your boyfriend because it's easier than accusing his own friends. Dad doesn't seem too clear on the details, which kind of suggests he's sorta winging it.

Obviously I don't know your Dad but it sounds to me like threatening a background check might be simply bluster - he's making a big deal out of Not Trusting your boyfriend to cover up the fact that it's (probably) his own fuppeduckedness that's to blame here.

I don't know if you can prevent someone from running a background check, but I think getting one performed is fairly involved and expensive. Also, if it's done legitimately (e.g., the way a prospective employer would be required to), the subject must be notified and offered the opportunity to purchase a copy of the report for about $10. Party Dad might not follow through if it's too much hassle.

How does your boyfriend feel about this? If he's squeaky clean, one approach might be to call Dad's bluff - ask for the background check, and when it comes back clean you can tell Dad to run checks on his other friends and guests.

Maybe I'm way off here, but I'm getting a real BS vibe from Dad. Running a background check on Boyfriend won't get his property back - it's basically a personal insult and nonspecific threat. I think Dad is blowing hot air, and background checks sound very Serious and Don't-Fuck-With-Me while not actually requiring Party Dad to do anything substantial.

If you think Dad just needs to save face, suggest that he hire a private detective to find the missing items. Has he even talked to the police about the theft? I guess my suggestion would be that you put pressure on Dad to find the missing items (work with cops, hire private eye, etc). Go on the offensive, shrug off his accusations of Boyfriend and keep hammering Dad about what he's done lately to recover the goods. Point out that background checks don't find stolen items, so if that's all he's doing it's pretty lame. If Dad is just posturing, it will probably shut him up fairly soon.
posted by Quietgal at 11:00 PM on August 7, 2006

Set a little trap for your father: invent something about your boyfriend at the time of the visit that you know for sure is not true and that may incriminate your boyfriend, then pass the information to your father and wait. If he invented the whole thing, he will be eager to confirm that information to you. Don't tell your boyfriend about it ever.
You cannot set a similar trap for your boyfriend, unless the whole thing is narrowed down to a specific time and your boyfriend has an alibi for it. (Then you can set a trap on that alibi.)
One thing bothers me in this story - why did your father talk directly to your boyfriend, instead of keeping his suspicions only between you and him?
Finally - you cannot discard the idea that your father may be doing something wrong for the right reason. Give him some credit and make sure your boyfriend is not capable of doing such things. At least keep an eye open, especially if your father is not reacting like this with every boyfriend of yours.
posted by rootcause at 11:45 PM on August 7, 2006

I like Sticky's answer: you just don't know. Keep your eyes peeled.
posted by wryly at 11:45 PM on August 7, 2006

A boyfriend that is willing to show you negative bank balance statements, six weeks into a relationship, even on the provocation of being a suspected thief, is, uh, well, rare. Whether honorable rare or con artist rare, I do not have anything like enough information to say.

But it's pretty unusual I think, for an American male to give up incontrovertible evidence that he is south of broke, while you two, as a couple, could still be said to be in the impress phase of a relationship. My BS alarm is screaming here, on both your Dad and your boyfriend.

StickyCarpet may have the best short term strategy; watchful waiting may be your best immediate plan. Don't slam any doors, don't rush to judgement, and don't take any wooden nickels.
posted by paulsc at 11:59 PM on August 7, 2006

you just don't know. Keep your eyes peeled

yeah. this applies to both bf and dad, imo.
posted by sergeant sandwich at 12:20 AM on August 8, 2006

My mother (who I am not on great terms with either) has at one time or another accused me, my husband, and just about everyone else who has ever entered her house of stealing something she has shown them that "no one else knew about". In the end, the missing item has always turned up somewhere she put it but forgot about. She seems to not remember where she puts things after she pulls them out to show someone, and since SHE couldn't possibly be at fault (because she says she would remember putting it away somewhere), obviously in her mind, someone must have stolen it. You don't say how old your dad is, but we are now watching my mom for other signs of age-related forgetfulness. Just something to think about concerning your dad. I've had other friends who have also had parents do this same thing as they got older (either forgetful or insecure and want the attention and drama).

Or maybe both your dad and my mom are making it all up, who knows, but that's also a possibility. Personally, my mom seems to enjoy the drama of one of her theft announcements almost a little too much. So, that's something else to think about.

I'd say, as others have, just keep an eye on both our dad and your boyfriend, because it's going to be really hard to tell what's going on. You just don't have any information from an unbiased outside source. Someone could be lying, or not. Someone may be having mental problems, or not. You may just have to wait and see what happens next ... and keep your eyes and ears open in the meantime.
posted by Orb at 12:45 AM on August 8, 2006

Sadly, I think that your Dad is losing his marbles. As was said, how do you walk out of a house with a hidden art print stuffed in your pants? If your Dad is a heavy drinker, those folks tend to forget what they did with things. My lovely grandmother (god rest her soul) used to hide money when she was drunk and then forgot where she hid it.

Carry on with this guy. If something else happens then reassess.
posted by bim at 4:46 AM on August 8, 2006

You say "party dude" - I don't know where the parties are held, but having big (i.e, "don't know every single attendee") parties at one's own house or apartment is probably the number one way to get stuff mysteriously stolen from one's home.

On the other hand, people who are completely broke steal things. Ask Jean Valjean.
posted by jellicle at 4:48 AM on August 8, 2006

I'm with the "keep an eye on things" sentiment as well. However, it certainly couldn't hurt to do a little investigation of your own. Whether you choose to share it with anyone is up to you. While you may think you know a lot about your boyfriend, 6 weeks is not a long time to know someone.

I don't know where you live, but where I am, public records are online. See if you can access your city/county's Clerk of the Courts records (or equivalent). If he's gotten a speeding ticket, been arrested for posession or, say, has a record of theft, it would be available there. (Or any of your dad's party buddies for that matter!)

Actually this is not a bad idea in any new relationship just to make sure everything's 'kosher' and that there are no surprises down the road. ("I had no idea he was a [pimp/drug dealer/child molester] before we met!")
posted by MarkLark at 5:58 AM on August 8, 2006

Sounds like your dad is out of line. Don't engage him in further drama, just dismiss this as ridiculous. Maybe he made this accusation in a moment of panic and now feels like he should stick with it? Whatever. I agree with others upthread that "background check" is an insult disguised as "I'm serious!" If you want to be smarmy, you could wonder aloud what dad's background check would reveal.
posted by desuetude at 6:30 AM on August 8, 2006

You know, the missing or misplaced things along with the paranoia and accusations may be an early symptom of some kind of dementia. How old is your dad? Does he exercise, eat right, etc.?
posted by atchafalaya at 6:57 AM on August 8, 2006 [1 favorite]

I would tell your Dad to shove it

Please don't do that, whatever else you do. Your father may be the worst person you'll ever meet, but he probably isn't. Treating him as though he were is going to make you more, not less, unhappy.
posted by Kirth Gerson at 7:04 AM on August 8, 2006