Experience with 'open toasts' at a wedding?

August 7, 2006 8:42 AM

Has anyone attended weddings where there has been an 'open toast' in addition to (or instead of) a regular speech/toast? If so, could you tell me what you thought of it, whether you would recommend that format, and how it was initiated?

We're having a dinner in a nice restaurant, instead of a traditional wedding reception - 33 people, no band or DJ. I hadn't thought about a toast , but heard about the concept of an 'open toast' from someone. I guess the idea is that basically everyone has the chance to say something short about the couple? I like the concept, but am unsure about the practicality of it.

For example, how does it get started off? There's no DJ to make announcements, so do we nominate someone to stand up first and say something? and then invite others to do so? Will it make guests feel uncomfortable? How to make sure people don't go on for too long? How to end it gracefully? If you've seen this done at events you attended, did you like the idea?

posted by darsh to human relations (17 comments total)

How articulate are your friends? How bad will you feel if nobody wants to stand up and talk?

I say, if you decide to do this (and I wouldn't- at my best friend's wedding, even most of the people who had *prepared* statements didn't sound so great), ask a few of your funnier/smarter friends to prepare something.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 8:48 AM on August 7, 2006 [1 favorite]

Just to clarify, I'd let as many people as possible know they'll have a chance to say a few words. I went to an event for a friend once (an Eagle scout ceremony, which I had never been to before, and is a much bigger deal than I had imagined), and there was time for open remarks, and having no warning, I didn't know what to say, so I didn't say anything and I felt like a total asshole.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 8:50 AM on August 7, 2006 [1 favorite]

This is a time-honored tradition in my husband's family. They can be sweet, and they can be excruciatingly uncomfortable (drunk grandmas, mentally challenged cousins, tedious boors, the uncle who always ends up crying). People outside the family don't really get it or necessarily enjoy it; my father leaned over to me at our rehearsal dinner and said, "What the hell is this - a testimonial?"

That being said, with a small group, it's a great way to bond everyone together - especially helpful to find out that the person you talked to earlier is the groom's college roommate, or that hottie in the corner is related to you remotely.

There does need to be an MC of sorts to get the process started (best man or father of the bride could be a logical person to start), and it helps to line up a few toasts beforehand, as it can be slow going in the beginning. In the case of my inlaws, it tends to be a bell curve - peaks in the middle and always goes on a bit too long (sometimes for hours, and it's awkward to get up and get another drink in the middle of it).

Consider this a cautionary tale, I guess.
posted by Sweetie Darling at 8:53 AM on August 7, 2006

We let it be known at our 40-person wedding that there wouldn't be an official toasting period, but anyone who wanted to could clink on a glass and say a toast. We just had one toast, but it was a really nice one. My husband's sister wanted to say a toast, but she got stage fright and backed out. That was OK.
posted by croutonsupafreak at 9:03 AM on August 7, 2006

I just attended a wedding this summer where the bride and groom decided that to avoid the boredom of having to kiss every time people clinked their glasses, they'd only kiss if people got up and told a story or sang a song for them. They stood up and made the announcement themselves after kissing the first time someone tried the glass clinking thing. I got up and told a short bit about how I helped the groom learn to crochet mittens that he used as part of the proposal. An aunt and uncle got up and sang a sweet romantic song. A friend told about the first time we met the groom when he and the bride were still trying to be just friends. Her brother and a friend did a lip synch to "You've Lost That Lovin' Feelin'" from Top Gun that cracked everybody up. Things tapered off kind of naturally after a bit.
posted by MsMolly at 9:17 AM on August 7, 2006

I've never been to a wedding in which there was any kind of official toasts. After everyone has mostly finished eating, someone stands up and clinks a glass(they might have to do it for a couple seconds if it's a big room or if there's music playing, and then when they have most everyone's attention, they start talking. Usually the father of the bride or groom, but it could be a good friend, goes first, and anyone who wants to goes next. You can ask the likely candidates ahead of time (30 minutes counts as ahead of time) to have something ready. And Sweetie Darling is right...you'll have one or two short things said at first, then a couple longer ones. Some people will say embarrassing things to get a laugh or try to roast you - it's all part of the process, and it helps if you have some gentle one-liners to give back. You might have an extremely drunk or emotional or obnoxious person in there, but everyone will either laugh with or at them, but they won't know the difference and it's nice to hear things said about you by people who care about you, even if they feel the need to bare their souls and reveal a little too much personal information about themseves or you.
posted by Mr. Gunn at 9:22 AM on August 7, 2006

Do let the guests know about the open-toasting period ahead of time. The last wedding I went to had the traditional toasts, then the open invitation. However, since none of us was prepared for that, no one said anything.
posted by MrMoonPie at 9:35 AM on August 7, 2006

I went to a wedding a few weeks ago where this happened. It drove me crazy. Just a bunch of drunk people saying how much they loved the new couple.

I think it's fun for the couple getting married, but excruciating dull for most of the audience.

Ultimately -- it's your day! So, if you can gather a room full of people and get them to say nice things, that's not such a bad thing.
posted by Bear at 9:40 AM on August 7, 2006

At a Quaker wedding, at least the one I went to, there is no one in charge. Everyone sits around the meetinghouse in complete silence until someone--anyone--decides to get the ball rolling. It's not "toasting" exactly--more like a chance for bride's and groom's friends and relatives to say a few words in celebration, remembrance, anecdotes, etc. I found the first few minutes excruciating, perhaps because (it seemed to me) no one knew what to do. But then a practicing Quaker stood to speak and once the ice was broken, everyone loosened up some. I'd agree with MrMoonPie that a little warning would be nice.
posted by scratch at 9:54 AM on August 7, 2006

I should mention this was the actual ceremony in its entirety. It was followed by a reception with some more typical toasting.
posted by scratch at 9:55 AM on August 7, 2006

At my wedding it spontaneously happened. The best man said a few words and offered the opportunity for others to do the same, and they stepped up to the mic to do so. It also helps that there are a lot of extroverts in my family.
posted by plinth at 10:24 AM on August 7, 2006

I agree with others: let people know in advance, so they have time to prepare a few words. I went to a wedding reception that took the Quaker ceremony as its inspiration, and people were invited to share a story or song or other (brief) creative celebration. It was quite sweet and truly memorable, and I know the couple just loved it. (Also make it known that while all are invited, no one is obligated.)
posted by hsoltz at 11:29 AM on August 7, 2006

I've seen this at a few weddings, with a variety of results.
First off, the 'open mic' should be established by the Best Man, a la plinth's comment, above.
The Best Man should also be in charge of the gong - he should remain on-hand throughout the open-mic period to step in and kindly cut off the unending/pointless or inappropriate toasts.
Without a DJ or bandleader to manage it, the open-mic should have a particular time-frame, usually only during the main meal. There should be an end to it, so there can be a beginning to the dancing.

Generally, these tend to be high-maintenance, and prone to not end well. If you really want it, just be wary of all the risks involved: Grandma hearing about your First Time, a long repetitive line of drinken friends stumbling up to say how muuuch they looooove you guuuuyyyssssss, etc.
posted by Sprout the Vulgarian at 11:35 AM on August 7, 2006

scratch: at most Quaker weddings, there is someone who explains what is going to happen before the silence begins -- and generally they ask that people wait a few minutes after the vows have been spoken to say anything. Being comfortable with the quiet, I'd say that the waiting was deliberate (not because no one knew what to do) and probably felt fine to the Quakers present. It can be hard on people not used to it.
posted by Margalo Epps at 12:01 PM on August 7, 2006

I went to a wedding where a horn of mead was passed around (and non-alcoholic for children and AA members, presumably) and everyone in the audience was required to give a speech of some sort, even if they just said, "Hail."

If it was open, I probably wouldn't have said anything, but being forced (and the fact that everyone was) I enjoyed the speeches and the giving of one.

It was explained beforehand, and the option of a simple "hail" included. It helped that it was a small audience and a diverse, open crowd.

It seemed to be a part of a ceremony based on the Norse gods, and the whole thing had some sort of name, but even without the ancient gods thing, it was really neat.
posted by Gucky at 12:27 PM on August 7, 2006

I've been to a few weddings where this happened with varying results. I would advise to have the open toast as early as possible before everyone gets too drunk. Also, don't make everyone speak and limit the time to five minutes or less. Some people don't know how to stop rambling even when sober. It is painful to watch them try wrap it up and fall to mumbling when they can't. The best man or MC should say something like "Thank you for those kind words" if someone is floundering. Let people volunteer to speak and limit it to just a few well-wishers if it becomes tedious.
posted by Alison at 2:07 PM on August 7, 2006

Re:

> It seemed to be a part of a ceremony based on the
> Norse gods, and the whole thing had some sort of name.

A "sumble" (sometimes spelled "sumbel," but pronounced the same way). The ceremony comes from a religion called "Asatru" (accent over the first "A") or "The Troth," which worships the Norse Gods, nature, etc. — http://www.thetroth.org
posted by KateGladstone at 8:11 AM on May 25, 2007