But it helps when training gorillas

August 7, 2006 8:13 AM

How long do you maintain eye contact?

In one-on-one conversations, I tend to maintain eye contact for 5-6 seconds at a time, which means I'm usually the first to break it off. It doesn't make me that uncomfortable, but the back of my brain worries that by maintaining it too long, I might be making my partner uncomfortable, leading me to break it off frequently as an indicator of deference or politeness. Obviously, this can be overdone though, and I wonder whether always taking the initiative in breaking it itself makes others feel awkward.

So, in situations where there aren't any convenient distractions to give you both something else to look at, how long do you typically maintain eye contact? Also, does it vary with your partner's gender? A la this discussion, I'm warier of making females uncomfortable than males and wonder whether most females (in non-romantic, everyday situations) read deference in eye contact as a sign of politeness or a sign of nervousness.

posted by gsteff to human relations (16 comments total)

People like it when you are looking them in the eye. A good rule of thumb is that when you are talking, break off eye contact now and again. When you are listening, maintain it. Whether or not it is romantic is immaterial. But it sure helps if it is!
posted by Ironmouth at 8:19 AM on August 7, 2006

From my own (female) experience and conversations I've had with men, I really believe that men quickly see eye contact as a challenge, and women do not. At least when you're talking about strangers or people you don't know very well.

The only time male friends make me uncomfortable with eye contact is when they hold it for so long that it seems they're flirting. But the guys I know who do this hold it that steadily with everyone, so I have to kind of set up a "flirt filter" with them so *I* don't get inappropriate. (It can get kind of heady to have someone paying that much attention!)

As for who breaks it off, I've noticed that most speakers tend to control that. So, when you're speaking, you'll naturally look away every now and then (either into space or at the other people you're talking to); when you're listening, you'll tend to watch the speaker the entire time. As far as I can tell, this seems pretty natural to me.
posted by occhiblu at 8:29 AM on August 7, 2006

I meant to also add to the above: Strangers or acquaintances, male or female, have never made me uncomfortable with eye contact unless they were flat-out unblinkingly staring for the entirety of the conversation. Guys who look away often (and by that I mean, hold eye contact for a split second and then look away for 10 seconds or more before glancing up again) can make me uncomfortable, but only because I'm worried that I am making them uncomfortable.
posted by occhiblu at 8:39 AM on August 7, 2006

gsteff, not an answer to your question, but I would say I'm exactly like you -- I hold for about 5 seconds, but it seems like I'm always the first to break. And I never knew the rule of thumb that the speaker typically looks away first, while the listener maintains eye contact. Interesting info.
posted by pardonyou? at 9:09 AM on August 7, 2006

I'm not sure if it's a "rule of thumb" so much as just something I've noticed.
posted by occhiblu at 9:42 AM on August 7, 2006

I think other facial expressions and overall body language and come into play here. If you're looking away and fidgeting, crossing your arms, tapping your foot, or seeming to look everywhere except at me, it would bother me. I've paused in midsentence and smiled to attract peoples' attention before when this has happened.

If you're not doing any of the above and seem to have responsive and friendly facial expressions, and do look at me occasionally, not a problem.

I do notice when people stare, and it's a fine line between annoying and not annoying. I do think it comes down to the above-mentioned facial expressions and body language.
posted by empyrean at 9:46 AM on August 7, 2006

If you are always the first to break off eye contact you aren't holding it long enough.

The only time I will consistently break off eye contact first is when I am getting a rare and unwanted challenge vibe from someone or if its a women that I am not interested in but seems to be interested in me.

You can get away with a lot more eye contact than you think you can. Just for fun, try staring down guys on the street and watch how they react. Keep your face relaxed and blank and actually look at them, don't just make eye contact and think about what you are doing. There will be three groups of people. The first group's eyes will shoot of you and usually go down, the second group will hold eye contact for a beat or two and then let it slide off to the side, the third group are much rarer but they keep staring at you even after you have walked past them.

I am a guy and it makes a difference. If you're a woman I would not recommend trying the fun mentioned above.

Also, stop showing deference to women by consistently breaking eye contact with them first, just stop. See what happens.
posted by 517 at 10:00 AM on August 7, 2006

On a related note, an article that I came across today about the usefulness of a powerful gaze.
posted by sk381 at 12:36 PM on August 7, 2006 [2 favorites]

I belong to group 3 of 517's breakdown - and I have no problems with it, so to speak - I find it (in a nice way) interesting to 'read' people whilst listening to them. They ain't called the windows of the soul for nothing ;)

My perspective (no pun intended) is that eye contact is being polite - unflinching wide-eyed staring is *not* what I'm talking about here - Your awareness of your eye contact is, I would suggest, over-developed and as such therefore compromised in terms of conveying your personality 'well'; if you've the time to be aware of how long you're maintaining eye contact with someone, you're actually not paying attention to A) what you're seeing and B) what you're hearing.

I would suggest you're paying attention to your own 'paranoia' / [Insert appropriate adjective here]

Everyone is different; some have 'no attention span'; others are 'focally ernest'; some are 'nervous and easily distracted', yet others are 'pensive avoiders' - doesn't matter really, as long as *you* know what *you are* and are happy with it! :)
posted by DrtyBlvd at 12:59 PM on August 7, 2006

Thanks for the useful responses, all. And I didn't mean to come off as paranoid about this; it was simply something I noticed the other day, and figured it was the kind of question MeFites usually have an interesting take on.

So stop looking at me!
posted by gsteff at 1:39 PM on August 7, 2006

Sort of related; I recently got back from a trip to the French/Italian border in the Alps; people there thought nothing of STARING unabashedly if they were curious about you.

It was a small mountain town with only one hotel, so we were something of a curiosity, I guess. Nonetheless, it was weird when eating at an outdoors cafe old men and young children alike would plant themselves across the street and stare - even when we stared back.

In the US, as 517 noted, it is rare that people will maintain eye contact at all when not conversing. Thus the rule of thumb that worked for me in my bachelor days: if a stranger at a bar makes eye contact with you more than once, they are attracted to you. By which I mean fleeting eye contact; if they are staring, either they are creepy or your hair may be on fire, or you need to employ a napkin in your mouth/nose area, or, um, you're about to be lynched.
posted by CaptApollo at 2:54 PM on August 7, 2006

If I'm telling some long drawn-out story about how my cousin's best friend's sister suddenly found herself in the middle of the Simpson desert with nothing but the lingere on her back and a bottle of half-empty vodka, I tend to gaze around a lot and usually drift off in mid-sentence when something else (like half-shirted guys) catches my eye (What is it with the recurring naked theme?).

I used to have a lot of problems with making eye contact around strangers, to the point where I couldn't look for more than half a second, so now I've made it a game to test myself and see how long I can hold their gaze. They probably think I'm a stalker freak which is why they break it off first.
posted by liquorice at 3:44 PM on August 7, 2006

My 2¢ is that it is the body language and the facial expressions that accompanies your eye contact that count as much as how long you maintain eye contact. An uncomfortable stare has more to do with your face and posture, I think, than actually maintaining steady eye contact. When I am listening to someone I try to maintain direct eye contact as much as possible as I feel it lets them know that I am engaged and really listening. If they seem uncomfortable with that then I can adjust my posture/face, and I can also use my body and face to punctuate their speech in a way that encourages them. If I'm interested in what they are saying, that is! ;-)

So whadaya think of that? :::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::-)
posted by persona non grata at 4:16 PM on August 7, 2006

Don't forget that there are different types of eye contact. Most wild animals regard eye contact as threatening, as you aluded to in your title, but dogs can learn to accept a "soft" look of extended contact from an owner or friend in the way it was intended. Take that same look, and "harden" it, widen your eyes a little bit, imagine you're thinking angry thoughts, channel Clint Eastwood, and those micromovements around your brows and the corners of your eyes will be telegraphing your feelings. In fact, try that with a strange dog and you're very liable to get attacked. Extended eye contact of the intense kind is unnerving and will make people feel uncomfortable and even threatened. If you learn to soften your gaze (and your whole face), relax and blink, you'll both feel more comfortable maintaining eye contact and make your partner feel more comfortable. Just think about smiling the next time you're facing someone, and you'll subconsciously release the tension in your eyes. Think about boring a hole in their skull and you'll have the other person squirming in no time.
posted by hindmost at 4:36 PM on August 7, 2006

My primary school (I don't know what you call this in the states, ages 5 - 10 years) was 90% Pacific Islanders and Maori, so I learned some bad eye contact habits - specifically, eye contact of almost any sort was met with an incredibly hostile response.

I'm still trying to get over this twenty years later, as of course the vast majority of the rest of society considers lack of eye contact to be rude. My partner thinks I'm extremely rude to wait staff and shop assistants because I don't look in their eyes.

Holding eye contact with males makes me feel like I'm being aggresive, but I try to do it more when I'm talking to people and so on, rather than looking over their shoulder or whatever I used to do.
posted by The Monkey at 8:29 PM on August 7, 2006

Hold eye contact for however long it feels comfortable to do so. There is no single answer that will work for all cases. You just have to query your social-intuitive senses in real-time.
posted by philosophistry at 12:24 AM on August 8, 2006