Flirting more

August 4, 2006 4:37 PM

How can I become a little more bold when it comes to flirting?

I thought I didn't really know how to flirt, but I think I do and it can even come naturally at some times. I've read this thread but my main problem is that I am a bit timid sometimes. I'll find myself thinking about doing something flirtatious but then hesitating. How can I get some more confidence here?

posted by rwatson to human relations (17 comments total)

You just have to stop caring so much what other people think and say and do what comes naturally. Which isn't necessarily easy, but try going somewhere you've never been before and never have to go again and giving yourself permission to let loose a little.
posted by kindall at 4:44 PM on August 4, 2006

It sounds weird and counterintuitive and I'm probably explaining it wrong, but the best way to be bolder when flirting is to simply be bolder. After getting thoroughly fed up with my usual mumble-mouthed responses when being flirted with, I decided to be more proactive, actually engage with as many people per day as possible. That started out being one or two per week but soon I was smiling at attractive strangers on the street.

It's pretty much a given that people like attention and affirmation. We're built to flirt. A smile and some banter is great, especially if the person you're bantering with is sending a message that says "I see you, I see you.

Saying "just relax" doesn't help everyone. I sometimes have to force myself to make the effort. I find that a "just do it" attitude works best for me.
posted by lekvar at 4:53 PM on August 4, 2006

"Nice shoes." is overdone, but the idea of making an effort to notice something about another person, and remark about it to them in a complimentary way, with a smile and some eye contact, isn't.
posted by paulsc at 5:19 PM on August 4, 2006

Lekvar makes a great point - talk to the person who sells you coffee, the mailman, waitresses (but, really, don't hit on them) etc. When you find it easier to talk to people in general, flirting is just an add-in.
posted by beaucoupkevin at 5:26 PM on August 4, 2006

And more importantly -- on the Flirt With Everybody -- front: the more you do it, the less each time it didn't work out quite the way you might like will *matter*, which will take the pressure off.
posted by baylink at 5:45 PM on August 4, 2006

Flirting from afar, or across a room/bar:
Flirting and initial contact with someone always starts out as eye contact. So, if I want to know if someone is trying to make eye contact with me, I will quickly and nonchalantly look at my watch, then check to see if they look at theirs. Sounds dumb, but it's always easier for me to make the first contact with someone if I know that they are looking at me.
If you doubt this works at a subconscious level, people who aren't even wearing a watch will look at their wrist.
posted by blister at 5:48 PM on August 4, 2006

The absolute mother of all beginnings of flirt sessions is this (ready?): Simply saying "Hi".

I know that sounds kind of dumb. Maybe you're thinking that you already do that. But try it next time. Don't think about strategies or anything else. Just say "Hi". From there, everything naturally flows forth. It's absolutely amazing.

Then just maintain eye contact (though you should periodically give them a break so that they can look at you on their own terms), be reasonably confident, smile, and be playful.

Have a great weekend!
posted by redteam at 5:52 PM on August 4, 2006 [1 favorite]

A good swig of liquor (nothing on the breath) and not getting fixated on any one person are the only two things I can conceive of that would work. Possibly the third would be to have a great body or some other inherent confidence-booster, though that's more work.
posted by hodyoaten at 6:27 PM on August 4, 2006

Whoa, redteam, I'm going to have to try that sometime...
posted by lekvar at 7:00 PM on August 4, 2006

All the advice about showing genuine interest in somebody is dead on. It's vain when I think about it, but I can trace several crushes I've had on people who were not previously on my radar screen to the day they paid me a bit more attention than usual.

I'm not particularly bold either, and I think the trick in the beginning is to create situations where, on the off-chance you get shot down, there is minimal chance of personal humiliation. If you're awkward approaching a random person, position yourself so you overhear their casual conversation about a movie or book and politely interject with a comment. Commiserate in a long bathroom line. Ask where they got their shirt/shoes/whatever because your parent/sibling/platonic friend would love it.

And yes, alcohol is good too.
posted by lalex at 7:02 PM on August 4, 2006

Unsolicited and unsubstantiated theory: people get ideas of what flirting is from the media -- pickup lines, stupid-looking suave moves, raising your eyebrows, etc. In real life, it's not that complicated. redteam is spot on.
posted by danb at 7:28 PM on August 4, 2006

A safe option can be to give some kind of outrageously over-the-top compliment, perhaps in a comic accent, say, Russian or French.

"Hi, how's your day?"

"Wondeurful, dahlink, now zat ze meaust beautiful girl in ze world is here..." *stage wink*

I've never known anybody to react badly to that sort of thing (the tongue-in-cheekness is a defuser) and you can have some fun seeing just how far you can possibly push it. Obviously, don't wear it out.
posted by UbuRoivas at 7:32 PM on August 4, 2006

The key ingredient of flirting is mixed signals.

If you go up to someone, look them in the eye, lick your lips and say "ooh baby, I like you"? Not flirting.

If you go up to someone, frown and say "you're awful, stay away from me"? Not flirting.

But if you look someone in the eye, lick your lips and say "you're awful, stay away from me", that's flirting.

Body language is the same thing: turning away but looking back over your shoulder; having your head down in a submissive sort of way but your eyes looking up in a challenging sort of way; saying you've got to go but holding onto their arm.
posted by AmbroseChapel at 8:15 PM on August 4, 2006 [1 favorite]

I second the notion of going out to a place where you don't know anyone, bring a friend as a wingman/lady, and just practice not being self-conscious about chatting up strangers. Soon you will get a little desensitized to being embarassed.

Once you're not as nervous, being flirty will be a lot easier... worked for me.
posted by anthill at 9:37 PM on August 4, 2006

I've been thinking about this whole self confidence thing and I wonder if the whole "lack of boldness" "chain" goes something like this:
1. im going to say something
2. she are going to feel offendent and slap/hate/ignore me
3. I'm going to feel bad.

After analyzing and over analyzing that's how I always feel. I've also realized that it's not constructive and most likely isn't true:

1. If I dont say anything, how will she know that i'm great/funny/exciting?
2. Why would she feel offended? She's going to enjoy it/get amused by it/interested in me.
3. I'm not going to feel bad, well because if she can't take an innocent/flirtation/non-offensive comment then I probably don't care for that person anyway.

I've been thinking that every time I approach any conversation with a stranger (not necesserily flirting with a lady) and this has been quite a bit of help.
posted by aeighty at 12:45 AM on August 5, 2006

Dress well (not fancy, necessarily, just so that you look good for you) and stand up tall. Just be friendly and smile. No need for obvious lines or "aggressive" moves. If she likes you, she likes you. (The looking good and standing tall are ways to manipulate her reptilian brain into liking you a little more as well as making you feel more confident.)
posted by callmejay at 11:55 AM on August 5, 2006 [1 favorite]

For me, I like to think I can get comfortable fairly easily. But for a long time I've been too timid to push it the extra bit so that she really gets interested (to whatever degree), you know?

I basically realised that it's all about being reasonable. Really--what have you got to lose? And don't just say that. Think: what do you have to lose? If the flirting is mutual at all, then you don't have to worry about creeping them out, really, as long as you don't say anything that crosses the line. So really, there's no reason to have your guard up. The beauty and attraction of flirting is that you're letting your guard down a little, you're letting "them" in, yet you're still in control.

Especially if you're flirting with someone who you don't see every day--if you're in a bar, or something. What's the worst that could happen? Save for psychos, the worst you're going to get is a rejection...and instead of taking that as a sign of your character, you move on to the next one. Flirting is whimsical, so don't take it so seriously!

I'd also definitely take aeighty's approach.
posted by Lockeownzj00 at 4:00 PM on August 5, 2006