My Friend Bob is Now Betsy. Help!

August 2, 2006 9:51 PM

How do I deal with a friend getting a sex change?

I'm a college-aged guy, and I've known a guy I'll call 'Bob' since I first came to Georgia Southern. We met during orientation, formed at least the basis of a friendship during that, and saw a lot of each other through a similar interest in theatre.

Despite not hanging out much, I still see him pretty often while out and about, at parties, with mutual friends, etc. We're not best friends or anything, but I'd still consider him a friend and we talk freely whenever we encounter each other. From the beginning I've had the strong feeling that he's gay, which doesn't at all bother me, although we've never really discussed it since it simply hasn't been important.

The most recent time I encountered him, he was dressed in drag. Talking with him, he told me that he was planning on making it permanent, something he'd been thinking about for a while. I asked him how far he planned on taking it, and he replied all the way, gender reassignment surgery and everything. He also told me that he was going by a female name now, which I'll say is 'Betsy' for this post.

The main thing I need help with is how to start thinking of Bob as Betsy. I want to respect his/her wishes, and I think the start of this is to start always referring to him as her, to Bob as Betsy, and just in general, thinking of him as a girl.

How can I go about ensuring I think this way? And how can I be both passively supportive, but not focus on the change in a way that might make her uncomfortable.

Finally, the area that I'm in isn't particularly accepting of alternative lifestyles. If I encounter mutual friends who seem put-off by the change, how can I help encourage them to be accepting. Any useful metaphors, analogies, quotes, words of wisdom, or anecdotes? And if I encounter people who are outright scornful of my friend because of this, what, if anything, should I do to stick up for him?

posted by ElfWord to human relations (28 comments total)

Think of "Betsy" happy. Forget "Bob," or if you must think of "Bob" think of "him" as "Betsy" in male drag.

It may be enough to become genuinely accepting of Betsy yourself, as I don't think you can proselytize others into changing their outlook on the matter. Many people aren't accepting of folk with gender assignment issues, simply because they can't be -- it's really not a matter of attitude or education if your stomach turns when you are presented with certain ideas.

Mark me as that last sentence might as a gender phobe to some, the reaction of people I know in Carrolton to running in to other people we knew in drag at a Cracker Barrel some years ago, convinced me that for some people, the chasm of transgender issues is just too great, and has a physical expression.

"Betsy" will need friends, not champions.
posted by paulsc at 10:07 PM on August 2, 2006

Your friend is probably going through a very rough time. I'd say the best thing you can do is be there for her when she needs you. I think the acceptance thing will come in time, it's not going to be something that happens overnight. Your suggestion is a great way to start digesting it, stop refering to her as Bob. Everytime you refer to her as Bob or him, make sure you correct yourself. It will become easier over time.

There's and Australian Film called Becoming Julia which follows a person undergoing such reassignment surgery. A family aquaintance is currently undergoing such a process and although I haven't seen them in years, I know it is tough to get your head around thinking of them as a her all of sudden. The film provided insight into the process which I suppose gave a level of understanding, which although wasn't complete, was better than nothing.

If you google transgender or transexual you will come across support groups which might be able to provide you with more advice, and help you make the mental transition from thinking of your friend as Bob to thinking of her as Betsy. They might also be able to provide you with the names of a few other documentaries and/or publications that can help you get used to the whole situation.
posted by cholly at 10:17 PM on August 2, 2006

First of all, it's great that you are so accepting and open-minded when it comes to something that some (many?) people would have a hard time dealing with.

I think the fact that you're so willing to be there for Betsy is a step in the right direction. That's all she needs, support and reassurance that you aren't going to start treating her differently now that she's female.
posted by liquorice at 10:20 PM on August 2, 2006

My friend Miriam used to be my friend Malcolm. She's still the same gentle soul he ever was. Don't sweat this - it's just something you get used to over time, little piece by little piece.

For example, instead of thinking of him as a girl, try simply thinking of her :-)

Seems to me your best attitude toward unsupportive third parties is: "Betsy's cool. Why do you have to be such a dick?"
posted by flabdablet at 10:27 PM on August 2, 2006

Seems to me that Bob has been pretty open about his situation. There's no reason to suppose Betsy will be any different. Since those of us here can't know what her feelings and preferences are, I'd advise you to share your questions with your friend.
posted by rob511 at 10:29 PM on August 2, 2006

I'm impressed by your sincerity and openness here.

A couple of my friends have transitioned genders. Even though I DO live in an area where 'alternative lifestyles' are common and accepted, and I felt positive and open about transexuality, it was a challenging transition for me too.

It took at least year for me to stop calling my best friend from high school 'she' every time I ment to say 'he'. Especially when I was refering to him in the past tenths - telling stories about memories of him when he was a she.

Anyhow, there are a lot of great books out about transgender issues that might give you some ideas. I'd check out Leslie Feinberg or Kate Bornstein to start. There are also tons of films and documentaries that deal with transgender issues.

Anyhow, I think what you're doing already is what is most important - doing what you can to support and honor your friend and respect her gender.
posted by serazin at 11:07 PM on August 2, 2006

Previously.
posted by occhiblu at 11:08 PM on August 2, 2006

Be an excited supportive friend just like you'd be if Besty was going through any other huge change.

I had a friend, Summer, who I met when she had already been living as Summer for years, but previous to that she had been Seth. I get a call one morning at 8am and my hello was greeted with "I HAVE A VAGINA!" and I responded "SO DO I!" She was in Minnesota and her surgery had gone perfectly. Then we talked about how weird it was that she had to go all the way there from Texas to get such a thing done and then we talked about the gossip in our group of friends.

In not treating the change like it was her, but important to her, I think she was more comfortable in sharing her joys with me.
posted by nadawi at 11:12 PM on August 2, 2006 [1 favorite]

Thanks for all the responses everyone, please keep them coming. And thanks for the link occhiblu, I tried searching before but the post you linked only has a single tag I didn't think to search for.
posted by ElfWord at 11:22 PM on August 2, 2006

reassurance that you aren't going to start treating her differently now that she's female

But isn't part of the reason for making the change because one wants to be treated differently because one is female?
posted by zadcat at 11:27 PM on August 2, 2006

I simply mean, by treating her in a negative way. And just because her gender is changing, it doesn't mean her personality will be.
posted by liquorice at 11:30 PM on August 2, 2006

I once ran into a high school friend, and asked her how our mutual friend was... I hadn't seen mutual friend in a few years. My friend said, "she is now a he." I have not seen her/him since ((s)he lives far away) but I cannot think of her as a him. It's just impossible for me. I guess I'm one of those people that can't change gender in my mind.

I have a male friend who frequently dresses in drag, OTOH, and it's easy for me to call him "her" when he's in drag. Maybe it's the fact that I know it's only temporary.
posted by IndigoRain at 3:52 AM on August 3, 2006

I'd repeat everything I said in the thread occhiblu linked, really - your friend's still the same person, first and foremost. I think the fact you're looking for advice about this at all shows that you're really trying to be a good friend, and that'll show through any occasional mistakes with names or whatever.

Adjusting to the idea that gender can be variable while the personality remains the same tends to take time for people who've never had reason to think about it before, and if your friend's being reasonable she'll see this. As much as you want to be supportive, don't think you have to get absolutely everything right the first time.
posted by terpsichoria at 4:13 AM on August 3, 2006

You might enjoy reading the book She's Not There by Jennifer Finney Boylan. Jennifer used to be called James and went through a sex change while a professor at Colby College. The book is a bit of a memoir but it has a specific focus on both how her family dealt with the change as well as what it was like to go through the transition while being employed in a fairly public job. She was also friends with the novelist Richard Russo who wrote the afterword to the book and discussing how their friendship changed and did not change is the part of this book I think you'd get the most out of. Also, she talks about what it was like growing up male when she felt all along that something was wrong. She was married and had kids and yet just didn't feel "right" I think she does a good job at explaining what it's like inside the head of someone -- though everyone's experience is different, naturally -- of someone grappling with a transgender transition.

As far as how you treat your friend, the best thing to do is be supportive, ask questions, and respect that this in-between phase is often awkward for everyone. As you saw encountering your friend dressed as a woman, part of the gender reassignment process is living as your future gender which means dressing in female clothing, for your friend, as well as using the women's rest room even if you have a penis. Being at ease, yourself, with these steps as well as using proper pronouns goes a long way towards making the transition seem like a natural way of correcting something that was wrong [which is often how it feels to the TG person] instead of some bizarre and out there sex or fetish thing.

For many TG people, the sex part of the process isn't as important as just feeling like you're straightening something out, though for outsiders the sort of "so are you gay now or what?" questions are often in the front of their mind. You may want to ask your friend how their family is dealing with everything, how things at work are going (workplaces can go from very supportive to truly terrible) and if there's anything you can do to support the transition specifically. I think that often the best thing you can do to support your friend in the face of others' opposition is just to be well-educated on the topic. Many people might be uncomfortable talking to your friends about things directly but may have questions that they'd feel comfortable asking you. While explaining to them that Betsy is still going to be the same, in many respects, as Bob was, you may be able to also, through your attitude and outlook, help set a tone for tolerance in your community.
posted by jessamyn at 4:25 AM on August 3, 2006

I've experienced what you have and I'd have to say that the best thing you can do is treat them as you always have. They are indeed the same person you knew before, and you should treat them as such. Don't get hung up on this gender thing.
posted by mek at 4:41 AM on August 3, 2006

How can you go about ensuring you think that way? You can’t, short of brainwashing.

You are actually not required to support your friend’s transgenderism. It’s fine if you want to, but you don’t have to. You certainly shouldn’t have to undergo mental contortions to ensure you think a certain way. Think any way you wish. If that ends up being favourable to your friend, fine. If not, do not feel as though you must engage in self-reeducation.
posted by joeclark at 5:10 AM on August 3, 2006

I'm with joeclark... being polite is not the same as respecting someone's choice. Refer to people in the way that they ask you to... but don't assume that this is something you have to embrace.

When someone changes in such a significant way, you aren't required to support it or adopt accordingly. You are required to be honest and polite. You've done this, any more should come naturally or not at all.
posted by ewkpates at 5:45 AM on August 3, 2006

Also previously. Some good advice there.
posted by MrMoonPie at 7:03 AM on August 3, 2006

ewkpates: You've done this, any more should come naturally or not at all.

Except that the OP is supportive and wants to be more supportive. In most cases, thoughts and opinions are learned behaviors, and can be relearned as desired or needed. We are "naturally" flexible learning animals. I have always been a notoriously opinionated person. If I can change my mind about country music and green peas, becoming more supportive of TG people shouldn't be that hard.

OP: How can I go about ensuring I think this way? And how can I be both passively supportive, but not focus on the change in a way that might make her uncomfortable.

Be polite, friendly, and call her what she wishes to be called. If she's doing the requried support therapy for this, then she knows that this is going to be a learning process for those around her. Oh, and learning to listen. I think one of the most supportive things you can do is learn to listen without cringing, debating or turning the conversation about yourself.

OP: Any useful metaphors, analogies, quotes, words of wisdom, or anecdotes? And if I encounter people who are outright scornful of my friend because of this, what, if anything, should I do to stick up for him?

Just say, "Betsy is a friend of mine, and I'd rather not hear that kind of talk about her." Then pointedly change the subject. If they insist, just excuse yourself and find better company.

If you feel that the door is open a crack to a different opinion, then you can give it. But don't feel that supporting a friend requires turning every interaction into a teaching moment.
posted by KirkJobSluder at 7:11 AM on August 3, 2006

With all due respect to the last two commenters, ElfWord says that he does want to try to actually support and accept it. It doesn't sound like he's horrified or opposed. Rather, it's a new thing and he wants to know how to do it right.

As for my own experience: you'll start to get things like pronouns and names right over time. In some ways, it'll be a transition period for you as well. As you see Betsy consistently dressed as a girl, answering to Betsy, etc., that'll slowly become your image of who she is. I knew someone who had a beard when I first met them; these days, they're female. It took a while, but I can't remember the last time I screwed up a pronoun. And yeah, sure, it is retraining yourself {which is a better way of putting it than "brainwashing," with all of its negative connotations.} But we all do that a little for friends. I know that a certain verbal tick I have annoys one of my friends, and so I've taught myself to avoid it around him. There's nothing terrible about revising some of your behaviors so that you can treat your friends as they want to be treated.

So just do your best. Tell Betsy that you want to be supportive. Make a visible effort with things like using her new name and the new set of pronouns, and if you catch yourself screwing up, just apologize. Read about what other transgendered people have gone through, so that you're more educated about what Betsy will be going through. And yeah, there will be a period, generally before the hormones kick in and pre-surgery, when she will [probably] not be passing for female very well. If your town isn't very tolerant, that'll probably be the worst point.

You can point people towards educational materials, if they seem open-minded [and if it seems like they're just ignorant of why someone might change sexes.] If they don't, just make it clear that you do support her and that you'd appreciate it if they didn't make rude comments about Betsy in your hearing [or her's.] Harrassment on the street may be a problem; there, the best idea is to simply walk away. The kind of people who shout insults on the street aren't the kind that can be reasoned with. Good luck, though.
posted by ubersturm at 7:17 AM on August 3, 2006

Anyhow, there are a lot of great books out about transgender issues that might give you some ideas. I'd check out Leslie Feinberg or Kate Bornstein to start. There are also tons of films and documentaries that deal with transgender issues.

I'd definitely recommend the research. It'll help you understand what your friend is going through, probably provide you with examples of what and what not to do, and maybe give you some facts or arguments you can trot out when someone says something bad about Betsy.
posted by orange swan at 7:17 AM on August 3, 2006

Don't worry about causing yourself to somehow magically forget that Betsy was a Bob. You'll always think of Betsy, to some degree, as Betsy-who-used-to-be-Bob, at least for the foreseeable future, and that's okay: it's a quirk, and people have quirks and we know them in part by such things.

Getting used to "Betsy" and "she" is just a matter of practice and time. You'll goof up, you'll say things like "heeuhh she" and "Bahhhhumbetsy." These things are not a big deal. (When I got married, I spent the next weeks/months doing the same thing with "girlfrieeeeehhwife".)

Being supportive of Betsy is the key thing. Be a good friend, don't treat her fundamentally differently, stand up for her just like you'd stand up for any other friend. Be honest and open about your reactions and thoughts about the whole gender reassignment thing, and about any confusion you might have about how she wants to be treated.

Go in with zero assumptions and treat her like your friend and you're golden.

(TG anecdote: when I was in high school, the father of a friend of mine went from tall skinny blond dude Lauren to tall skinny blond chick Lori. He had always been a fun, weird person, so she wasn't really much of an adjustment. I remember reading that she sued her gym a while back for kicking her out of the women's locker room on charges of being a dude crossdressing. Eesh.)
posted by cortex at 8:21 AM on August 3, 2006

I don't necessarily have any suggestions, but I wanted to say that I totally understand how you feel. What I can tell you briefly from my study of psychology is that our brain organizes things into categories known as schemas. This is partly why we stereotype people - our brains need to organize things in order to understand the world. I think mostly what you need is time in order to force your brain to put Betsy in the "female" cagetory by using female gender pronouns, etc. It will take some practice at first, but eventually it will become natural. No matter how accepting you are of someones gender identity/sex change/etc, it's totally natural for it to be a little awkward for your head.
posted by radioamy at 8:49 AM on August 3, 2006

When my partner transitioned (Female to Male) there was a period of time when I could feel my brain actively processing name and gender change. We joked that it was like forwarding mail. I'd think "Old Girl Name" then a brief pause while processors whirled then I'd think "New Boy Name" and that would come out of my mouth.

You will not necessarily always think of Betsy as "Betsy-who-used-to-be-Bob," though if you're not close to her and don't see her a lot, you may. But I have several transsexuals in my life, and after a year or two, it becomes almost impossible to think of them as the other gender, or even to really remember that they were the other gender. When someone uses my partner's old name, for instance, I don't immediately know who they're talking about!

I'd second cortex's advice: be respectful and normally affectionate, use Betsy's chosen pronoun (in my experience, transfolk want their chosen pronoun used even when talking about the part of their lives when they were living as the other gender, for instance). Modeling that behavior to others is one thing you can do to help Betsy gain acceptance--or at least to be treated with respect.
posted by not that girl at 9:06 AM on August 3, 2006

You will not necessarily always think of Betsy as "Betsy-who-used-to-be-Bob," though if you're not close to her and don't see her a lot, you may.

Yeah, I regret having put that out there unqualified. I mean that in the context of the poster "not hanging out much", etc: living more-or-less daily with someone, be it a close friend or a partner, will lead to much more rapid acclimation.
posted by cortex at 9:19 AM on August 3, 2006

As several people have said, changing the name & pronoun in your head and that comes out of your mouth will become easier the more you do it. But in my experience, it's also easier as the transgendered person's physical change advances. Now that Marnie looks like a Max (and sounds like it and moves like it), it's easier for me to call him "him" & "he".
posted by raedyn at 9:41 AM on August 3, 2006

Don't expect that her personality will change, but don't expect that her personality won't change, either. Of the half-dozen MTF transsexuals I've known, about half went through a stage of performing some form of stereotypical womanhood: giggling constantly, acting much stupider and more infantile than they are, that sort of thing. To a newly-out MTF woman that may feel liberating, but as a woman-born woman, I've found it to be anything from mildly annoying to infuriatingly sexist. Sometimes it can be difficult to watch someone build and refine a feminine social identity.

If Betsy goes through that stage, hang in there. This too shall pass. Eventually she'll drop the act and start being herself in a more relaxed feminine mode.
posted by sculpin at 11:27 AM on August 3, 2006

Eventually she'll drop the act and start being herself in a more relaxed feminine mode.

It's particularly worth bearing this in mind because, as someone else said upthread, a lot of the diagnostic clinics currently in place seem to have embarrassingly stereotypcial womanhood as a requirement for treatment. She may need to practice her disturbing affectations on you so she can perform them on command for the doctor in question. The sexist in this case is likely the doctor, not the transwoman (although terrifyingly stereotypical transwomen do exist, they tend to be older than college-age).

Transpeople in transition often find themselves most concerned with the hows of their situation -- how to pass under heavy office lights; how to alter their voice to suit their new physical sex -- but most often find themselves questioned on the whys, which are usually set in stone years before transition starts and can be quite difficult to explain and quite painful to start examining again. Mechanical advice and support -- allowing your friend to "test" their appearance or their voice out on you -- is likely to be just as important as emotional support.

Transition is like stretching and stretching for a few years until -- pop! -- that last bone cricks into place and you're finally comfortable. It can also be like taking off a hat you've worn for a decade and revealing to everyone that you've got blonde hair, and then having to answer all sorts of embarrassing questions about hair products. It's also a bit like a banana, in that it is... *trails off*
posted by ArmyOfKittens at 12:11 PM on August 3, 2006