How do I send a book to Valhalla?

July 31, 2006 12:12 PM

Help me plan a Viking funeral for a hated book.

Over the past few weeks, I've really come to hate the GMAT prep book that I'm working through. I've decided that, at a camping trip next month, I'm going to express that hatred by giving the goddamned thing a Viking funeral by building a little "boat" for it, lighting it on fire, and setting it adrift on Lake Superior.

I need some help with the technical aspects, though: Mainly, I need to figure out a way to keep it afloat (and on fire) until it's completely burned away. I'd also like to minimize the amount of foreign objects I put into the lake, so I need to come up with a way to build the "boat" out of as little material as possible (or maybe out of something like driftwood).

Oh, and the book in questions is roughly 9x12, maybe two inches thick, and printed on very cheap paper which would probably burn pretty well.

Thanks for any engineering/pyrotechnic suggestions...

posted by COBRA! to grab bag (33 comments total)

A boat made out of birch bark will float and may or may not burn, depending on how wet it is. Either way, birch bark should be pretty harmless to the environment. And easy to find if you're camping. Maybe a little glue or string to get it into a real boat shape.
posted by GuyZero at 12:25 PM on July 31, 2006

When you do the physical burning of the book either rip it up or flex the pages so there's lots of room for air to circulate.
posted by cyphill at 12:31 PM on July 31, 2006

driftwoood or bark should work if they are dry and you are crafty.

the last Viking funeral I attended used the base of a cardboard box with wax coating (think food-safe). I can't remember what the accelerant was off-hand, but it was probably plain lighter fluid or isopropyl alcohol.
posted by whatzit at 12:31 PM on July 31, 2006

Yeah, I guess that's a sub-question: I'd like to know if using an accelerant would help with the burning, and if it would increase the pollution risk. I don't feel too bad about putting some driftwood and ash into the lake, but I'd rather not leave an oil slick.
posted by COBRA! at 12:36 PM on July 31, 2006

Maybe you can make a two-layer boat: make the bottom floatable, then put a more flammable (dry) layer on top of it, spaced with some other pieces of wood to get it to air.
I think the prep book burns better than the wood, though.
posted by easternblot at 12:41 PM on July 31, 2006

Wax might be a better fuel. Melt a candle into the book - plenty of burning, not so much slicking.
posted by GuyZero at 12:42 PM on July 31, 2006

I think that they make a kind of dynamite that will blow up underwater. You take a fishing rod camping and catch a big fish. Tie the book to the fish, tie the dynamite to the book, light the dynamite and let the fish go. The fish swims out into the lake, then the dynamite goes off and blows up the book. There won't be any pollution left over, because it will get blown up. It may not be the viking funeral you want because the book will get blown up instead of burnt, but explosions are just like burning except faster. Trust me, I am an ecologistical scientician.
posted by ND¢ at 12:52 PM on July 31, 2006 [1 favorite has favorites]

I still remember the Viking funeral we had on the Charles for a lonely Burger King Chicken Nugget shaped like a Rugrats character. Good times, good times.

Consider making a catamaran from styrofoam and wood. Two foam blocks with two slats between them for the book to rest on. The foam blocks should be far enough away from the site of the fire to prevent going up themselves. The fire will eventually burn through the center holding area, leaving two blocks you can reel back to shore via fishing line.

Otherwise, you risk the fire punching a hole in your boat, sinking it before it gets good an burny.
posted by robocop is bleeding at 12:53 PM on July 31, 2006

Accelerant would help. Isopropyl alcohol bought at the drugstore would probably not help, though, because it's usually cut with 9% to 30% water. If you want to use alcohol (its flame would be invisible in daylight) get some at the hardware store.

You do know that the Viking funeral you're emulating was an honor, right? Sending the dead warrior on to Valhalla or whatever? Are you sure you don't want to throw the GMAT book into the latrine pit?
posted by Kirth Gerson at 12:55 PM on July 31, 2006

Wait, this will be even cooler. Take an old-timey barrel, and fill it like two thirds full of gasoline, so that it will still float. Then tie the book to the top. You may have to attach pontoons on the sides so that it won't flip over in the water. Then push the barrel out into the lake and shoot it. Awesome.
posted by ND¢ at 12:57 PM on July 31, 2006 [1 favorite has favorites]

Or you could take a large wooden bowl and fill it half way with gasoline. Drop the book into the bowl, and then launch the bowl into the lake. Then you take a torch that you constructed earlier out of whatever torches are made of, and you take a rope that is attached to a branch that hangs out over the lake, and you swing out over the lake carrying the torch, and you light the bowl of gasoline as you swing over it. After you light the bowl, you throw the torch back onto the bank (to avoid polluting) then when you reach the apogee (is that a word?) of your swing, you let go of the rope and turn in mid-air, and you watch the book burn up as you fall into the lake. It might be difficult, but it would make you feel even better to piss on the burning book as you fall. Beware: if you piss too much it will put out the fire.
posted by ND¢ at 1:05 PM on July 31, 2006

You do know that the Viking funeral you're emulating was an honor, right? Sending the dead warrior on to Valhalla or whatever? Are you sure you don't want to throw the GMAT book into the latrine pit?

Yeah, I thought of that... but I decided that my desire to burn the fucker in the most theatrical way possible was greater than my desire to be metaphorically consistent. Here: I'll reinterpret it to say that I'm honoring my completely and utterly defeated foe.
posted by COBRA! at 1:05 PM on July 31, 2006

Isopropyl Alcohol is sold at many drugstores 99% pure. It burns really well for this sort of thing, although the flame seems a bit cooler than you may want. (Coming from experience).
posted by shepd at 1:10 PM on July 31, 2006

Make the book itself into a boat, or boats.
posted by xod at 1:17 PM on July 31, 2006

My first choice would be diesel fuel. Soak the book in it and it will burn just fine. Much less dangerous than gas, easier to light than wax. Will produce a very satisfying flame (unlike wax or any alcohol) and lots of billowing black smoke.

Kerosene/camp gas/white gas/naphtha is a decent alternative too and will produce less black smoke.

Don't use gasoline. It burns too quickly and is quite a bit more dangerous to handle in an open pool than either kerosene or diesel.

For a boat, use a cheap 9x13" cake tin. For effect, build up the sides with papier-mache. You're not going to be able to burn the "boat" below the waterline by any method, so I'd pick a base that will be stable and support the flame easily.
posted by bonehead at 1:38 PM on July 31, 2006

Also, you're going to want to allow air underneath the book to support good combustion, whichever accelerant you choose. Put the book on a cheap wire rack to give you an air-gap underneath.
posted by bonehead at 1:41 PM on July 31, 2006

You need to build the boat out of balsa wood and rubber cement. Balsa burns really nicely, and rubber cement burns like a motherfucker.

You're going to need to go to an art supply place to get the balsa (which is soft enough to cut with a utility knife, so no hard labor for something very sturdy, very boyant and very flammable).

You'll also need to buy the rubber cement at an art store, because the stuff at Rite-Aid is for kids who can't be trusted to not to do their best Human Torch impression with it. Some plastic soldiers I bought a couple summers ago were very sad when their base camp (a rock sticking out of Maine's Lake Cobbesecontee) got hit with a match after they carefully stuck themselves down with a few ounces of Best Test One Coat.

Coat the raft with the rubber cement to make it waterproof (and don't be stingy) and I'm sure that after all that use your GMAT book would beneifit from a coating of top-grade adhesive, too.

The best part is that the cement will keep everything dry until it burns away, so you're not puting tons of toxins into lake.

A model rocket engine will provide a nice jet to send your book out a little ways and generate enough heat to ignite it, too.
posted by Mayor Curley at 1:43 PM on July 31, 2006

You know that Superior rarely sees a flat calm day, right? Most of the time, public beaches and boat landings have 2 feet of "surf" on a calm day, so any boat that's going to float stably, in even good conditions, long enough to recognizably burn a book is going to be the size of a canoe, minimum. On a rough day on Superior, you'll need a boat about 729 feet long and 75 feet wide.
posted by paulsc at 1:44 PM on July 31, 2006

I suggest a visit to your local hobby shop. Purchase two-three large blocks of balsa wood to use as pontoons.

Use regular wooden dowels (3/8 ") to connect the pontoons and create a burn platform. (Soak the wooden dowels to be used for the burn platform in water for at least an hour before the funeral, to assure that they wont burn too fast (or at all).

Balsa is very blond. Paint the pontoons or drape them with natural (cotton or wool) fabric scraps. You can probably get a bag of scraps cheaply at most fabric stores.

I'll repeat the advice of other posters and recommend that you feather/tear pages of the book first, to ensure better burning. And if you must use an accellerant, alcohol (rubbing, or high-proof drinking alcohol) will have the lightest possible impact.
posted by terpia at 1:51 PM on July 31, 2006

So, synthesizing a bunch of answers, right now I'm seeing a balsa catamaran holding up apropped-open GMAT book coated and impregnated with rubber cement (additional idea: a thin, long candle drilled into the book, so that i can light it and get out of the way before the fire gets going).

The biggest remaining issue that I can see is this:
You know that Superior rarely sees a flat calm day, right? Most of the time, public beaches and boat landings have 2 feet of "surf" on a calm day, so any boat that's going to float stably, in even good conditions, long enough to recognizably burn a book is going to be the size of a canoe.

I hadn't really thought of the surf, but yeah, that's an issue. Should I think keel? Ballast? Anchor?

Oh, and just for the sake of completeness/clarity, this'll be happening at night.
posted by COBRA! at 2:05 PM on July 31, 2006

If you are going to dump some accelerant into the lake alcohols are going to be a worse risk to aquatic life than hydrocarbon fuels for the simple reason that they are highly water soluble and yet still fairly toxic. Diesel is not the nicest fuel in the world either, but it's going to have a far lower environmental impact than any alcohol. Stay well away from anything water soluble (like alcohol, mineral spirits or acetone), or I'll ask the EPA office in region 5 to be on the look-out for an uncontrolled on-water burn this fall.

Balsa wood is an excellent idea.
posted by bonehead at 2:13 PM on July 31, 2006

impregnated with rubber cement (additional idea: a thin, long candle drilled into the book

That's going to be hard to light, very few volatiles to get it going. Both the wax and the cement will burn well once hot enough, but neither will do it on their own. I'd suggest a starter of naphtha, gelled if you can get it.
posted by bonehead at 2:19 PM on July 31, 2006

I would highly recommend using about 10-20 packs of sparklers set up to burn the book from underneath... Like a funeral pier.

For reference, 1000 sparklers will give you an effect something like this: Sparkler Bomb

100 would give a much smaller jet of flame, but if you wrapped them in Aluminium foil (just around the sides, make sure you can get oxygen in from the bottom), you could direct the flames as much as you like.

If you find the sparklers with the wooden sticks, you'll just be adding ash & wood to the lake.

Personally, I'd make a larger raft and go with all 1000, and have the book set up as if it were a witch to be burned right in the center(rather than the "noble hero" send-off).
posted by hatsix at 2:34 PM on July 31, 2006

Oh, and if you use a sparkler as a wick, it'll take a while to "go off" (see here for a youtube video of a 50-ish sized bomb)

(and for as long as I've been doing these, I've NEVER heard of one exploding, just a WHOLE LOT of flame)
posted by hatsix at 2:40 PM on July 31, 2006

A sparkler would indeed be an excellent fuse.
posted by Mayor Curley at 2:53 PM on July 31, 2006

There won't be any pollution left over, because it will get blown up.

What an interesting theory.
posted by odinsdream at 3:42 PM on July 31, 2006

Take it to a local firing range and drop a little money on renting one of their Big Guns. If they give you a blank look, wink.
posted by Coda at 3:48 PM on July 31, 2006

Many test prep books are made of soft, cheap paper. If you can cut it up or shred it, it will burn much better. Cooking oil burns well once it's going, and will not introduce extra petrochemicals into the lake. Get the paper oily, and allow it to absorb oil overnight, then get rid of any extra oil. Add a bed of sawdust for good airflow.

For flotation, I'd build a small rounded deep boat, and add a weight to the bottom to help it stay up right.
posted by theora55 at 4:40 PM on July 31, 2006

In the great lakes you can generally walk out far enough to get past the surf on a calm day, lake superior is still going to be ball withdrawingly cold though.
posted by 517 at 5:18 PM on July 31, 2006

How about biodiesel instead of petrol-diesel?

With shredded paper, I'd worry about little burning bits floating up into the air and back to shore. With the hot, dry weather we've been having, for example (I have no idea of the weather there, but here it's hot and dry), that could be a bad thing.

Also bad would be the burning boat floating back to shore and landing next to something flammable. And you there with no fire extinguisher! Aaagh!

OK, I've never visited the great lakes. Forgive me if there's 20 feet of empty sand all around the shore. Just thinking of a little safety as best I can.
posted by amtho at 7:36 PM on July 31, 2006

Biodiesel in this case is about the same (from an environmental standpoint) as diesel. there's only about a factor of 2 or 3 in toxicity difference, which is pretty minimal. It will be somewhat harder to light and keep burning.
posted by bonehead at 7:47 PM on July 31, 2006

Interesting, bonehead -- I've heard that people can drink (unburned) biodiesel with no toxic effects. Still bad for fish, I guess, since they can't breathe it.
posted by amtho at 7:49 PM on July 31, 2006

"I hadn't really thought of the surf, but yeah, that's an issue. Should I think keel? Ballast? Anchor?"
posted by COBRA! at 5:05 PM EST on July 31

"In the great lakes you can generally walk out far enough to get past the surf on a calm day, lake superior is still going to be ball withdrawingly cold though."
posted by 517 at 8:18 PM EST on July 31

A lot depends on the exact situation of the place where you're going to do this, and the weather/wind on that day. If you're at a beach or boat ramp sheltered by a jetty, with a gradual sand bottom, you might be able to pull this off with materials you could get at a craft store, and cobble into a sacrificial catamaran, that would burn for 10 minutes, and float around in an entertaining way. But if you get a 4 or 5 knot onshore breeze, off the open lake, at an exposed ramp with a rip-rap drive, you'll need to get out past the surf zone, anchor the thing, light it, and do this all in the dark, in chest deep, cold water with significant waves going in and coming out, at night... As a scuba diver with a few hundred beach entries under his belt, I'll tell you this can be something you need to plan very, very carefully, to avoid big trouble.

And while it's out there burning, you can't have it bobbing about so much that it dumps your accelerant in the lake, or takes a lot of water over the gunwales or the deck, as that kind of thing would kill the show you'd worked so hard to set up.

There's a reason the Vikings generally did this with the dead chief's 50 to 60 foot longboat. But I guess it comes down to how much you really hate the damn book, and how much energy you want to devote to this project. Whatever you do, be safe. Lake Superior deserves respect, for good reason.
posted by paulsc at 5:48 AM on August 1, 2006