I Came, I Saw, I Conquered?

July 18, 2006 2:10 PM

Why am I only interested in long term relationships?

I'm a twenty-five year old male and all of my previous relationships have been on the order of two years or more. Not that long ago I went through a break up and while I'm not quite certain I can say I've gotten past the emo-style anguish, I've gotten considerably better to the point of actually trying to be friends with my her. In a lot of ways I feel as though the ache that I feel these days is more focused on missing the concept of what we had (perhaps the future that I'd imagined) rather than the person since she's moved on and I recognize that playing the role of our hurt protagonist can only go on for so long.

I've recently been introduced to some people by my sister and in a number of ways they seem to have taken it upon themselves to get me active in dating and 'playing the game.' One of these friends is in the midst of divorce (29 years old, his wife cheated on him) so his perspective seems more than a bit jaded to the point of being a new-found thrill-seeker, yet I can't help but notice a similar thread between the guys who have expressed interest in showing me the town and introducing me to ladies.

All that said, my question is does anyone have any thoughts as to why the notion of random hookups doesn't appeal to me? Just about every guy I've ever spoken to seems to have gone through some form of 'sowing wild oats,' but that hasn't really interested me. I waited until I fell in love for the first time (not my first relationship mind you) before losing my virginity and have always been pretty protective of that aspect of life. I've turned down several women who have literally thrown themselves at my bed over the years so it's not like I'm a deprived beast hard-up to get any girl that will have me in a relationship. My sister actually commented that one worry she had was that if I didn't have a 'wild phase' that at some point down the line I'd face regret and possibly act out, damaging my relationship at the time.

In the midst of a post-breakup when forces seem to be at work on casual hookups, should I just loosen up and be more open to random encounters? Are their concerns valid? General input would be much appreciated.

posted by Raze2k to human relations (16 comments total)

Should I just loosen up and be more open to random encounters?

You should do whatever you want. If you wake up one day, and feel as though you would to experiment more with "casual hookups", than do so. Otherwise, keep on doing what you do- you're the one that has to be OK with yourself. Tell everyone else you appreciate their advice, but you're doing just fine on your own.

That said, it probably wouldn't kill you to get out of your house, put on some nice clothes, and flirt with strangers. Could be good for you.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 2:16 PM on July 18, 2006 [1 favorite]

My sister actually commented that one worry she had was that if I didn't have a 'wild phase' that at some point down the line I'd face regret and possibly act out, damaging my relationship at the time.

Yeah, and if you never own a sports car maybe you'll wake up at 52 with an overwhelming urge to buy a Corvette. There's an insightful meme being passed around that says, "The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior." I'm not impressed by arguments to the effect of, "If you don't do X, one day you'll become your polar opposite."

Why am I only interested in long term relationships?

I don't know. But if you asked me that question, I'd answer that I always thought the point of dating was to find a spouse. That's not the case for everyone, of course, but it was true for me so that's how I behaved. I have no regret — on the contrary, I look at my friends who are trying to navigate the singles' scene as their years tick past and I think to myself, "Gosh, the grass sure is a lot greener on my side of the fence."
posted by cribcage at 2:30 PM on July 18, 2006

Some of us are wired differently. Some of us are more comfortable being monogamous. For some of us the thrill of a random hookup will never match the thrill of sex in the context of a long term relationship. That's a feature, not a bug. That said, I would second ThePinkSuperhero. Get out of the house, put on some nice clothes, and flirt with strangers. Get plenty of phone numbers. Call them. Go out with them a couple times. Stay out of bed until you're sure you want to see them again. The larger your pool of acquaintances the greater the chances of meeting someone who is looking for the same thing you are. Set a goal of two different dates a week for a while until you find someone you want to concentrate on. This is your love life, and you're free to live it as you choose. Believe me, the more you turn down people for sex on the first date the more they will want to go out with you.
posted by Floydd at 2:38 PM on July 18, 2006

Why am I only interested in long term relationships?

'm in the same boat as you. I've only really had long term relationships and approach each relationship under the knowledge that it could get to that point. Does it mean all my relationships will last a long time? No. But it does mean I have a mindset in that general direction.

I never did the casual hookup thing because it never meant anything to me. I never found or saw any personal benefit attached to casual or non serious dating. Even after the ending of my 5 year relationship, the concept of just randomly hooking up with someone didn't appeal to me. It's not how my brain is wired.

Figure out why you only have been in long term relationships. Is dating merely a way to find a spouse? Does the security of a long term relationship mean a lot to you? Are you just scared about being alone? Did something during your younger years steer you away from casual relationships? etc etc.

You don't want to run the risk of going out and doing a bunch of stuff now and regretting it later. But you also don't want to regret not doing something either.
posted by Stynxno at 2:52 PM on July 18, 2006

Just thought I'd add to the "not such a weird point of view" posts here. All throughout high school and college I was mystified that these people would form such terribly personal relationships, letting these others become such important parts of their lives, when they knew all along that after four years they'd move to the other side of the country and never see them again. <shrug>

I certainly missed out on all the crazy sex, but as cribcage says the grass does indeed seem greener over here.
posted by Squid Voltaire at 3:04 PM on July 18, 2006

Raze2k, I wonder if the 29 year old divorcee whose wife cheated on him is a friend in common, seeing that you live in New York...

At any rate, I am also like you, though I do get an occasional and powerful urge to wander. I don't really know why casual fucking isn't appealing. Some of it, for me, clearly has to be the enjoyment of really getting to know someone's mind and body and having someone really care for you, and having the importance of those criteria far outweigh getting laid a lot with different people.
posted by Captaintripps at 3:16 PM on July 18, 2006

Yeah, and if you never own a sports car maybe you'll wake up at 52 with an overwhelming urge to buy a Corvette. There's an insightful meme being passed around that says, "The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior." I'm not impressed by arguments to the effect of, "If you don't do X, one day you'll become your polar opposite."

ContrarianFilter: this depends almost entirely on *why* you don't choose to do some reasonably socially acceptable thing that many others do: if it's because you a) can't afford it, or b) thought it was 1) immoral, 2) illegal or 3) fattening, and grow into yourself in later years and stop caring -- or become able to afford it -- then yes, you might in fact do later what you did earlier.

Simple answers are almost always wrong, when trying to describe human behaviour patters.
posted by baylink at 3:57 PM on July 18, 2006

Dude. First of all, a LOT of guys who brag about one night stands, quick affairs, and casual sex are LYING their asses off to try to impress others.

Even if they're not, forget them. There's nothing wrong with being interested in the long term. If you find the right mate, it's the best way I know to find happiness.

Take it from someone who's had one serious girlfriend so far.... and we celebrate the 23rd anniversary of our marriage next month.
posted by Doohickie at 6:03 PM on July 18, 2006

Some of us are wired differently. Some of us are more comfortable being monogamous.

Ummm... is being monogamous different???
posted by Doohickie at 6:06 PM on July 18, 2006

You might be leery about casual flings because you give a damn about who you screw. Which is perfectly fine. Great, in fact.

But I'm guessing that what you're really hesitant about is taking risks and starting from scratch again in the game of romance, given that it takes so much time and effort to build a truly deep and rewarding relationship. Small talk, flirting, dating, etc. with chick-de-jour seem shallow and unsubstantial compared to what you had with the love of your life. You miss being with someone who understood you in and out, who accepted you, who you shared interests and passions and experiences with. Everyone else seems like a stranger in comparison. I know, I've been there.

Well, you might not be ready for it yet, but there's no way around this but to eventually buckle down and start from scratch again. You do have to get out there and meet people. You do have to make small talk. You do have to play the silly dating game. And once you've truly healed from your loss (which always takes longer than you expect), dating might actually become fun again. After all, it had to have been fun the first time around, otherwise you wouldn't have fallen in love with her. You just don't remember because it was so long ago.

I wouldn't suggest that you become a total slut for now, because it can be a numbing experience. I wouldn't suggest against it either because a bit of fun might be exactly what you need. But when the time comes, you have to get off your butt, and meet people and get to know them. Really get to know them, which involves pushing your emotional boundaries again and letting yourself be vulnerable.
posted by randomstriker at 6:20 PM on July 18, 2006 [1 favorite]

I found the "wild phase" to be highly overrated. Sometimes it was lots of fun, but other times it was really depressing the way it turned out. I think you are the only person who can really answer the question about why you are kinked for long term relationships.
posted by KirkJobSluder at 7:27 PM on July 18, 2006

Does it matter why? It's who you are and what you're comfortable with. If that's what you want, there's nothing wrong with it.

Your friends need to stop shoving their beliefs in what you should want, and let you be yourself. In my experience bars aren't places where you meet people to have relationships. Also, unless you're very careful casual sex can lead to any number of situations that are a pain in the ass; people who think that a casual hookup means you're in a relationship, STDs, pregnancy, angry partners of the person you hooked up with looking for you, etc.

Do what makes you happy. Tell your friends it's not your thing if it's not your thing. If they're really your friends they should respect that.
posted by Meep! Eek! at 8:00 PM on July 18, 2006

It takes all sorts. And I think that you're not as unusual as you've been led to believe, at least half my friends have only had serious relationships and we're not a real conservative bunch.
posted by fshgrl at 8:11 PM on July 18, 2006

You are a normal variation in the dating-objective spectrum. Your sister is wrong (living proof here). If it doesn't sound like fun don't do it. Then again, you can go out and meet people without committing to random hookups (provided you keep your drinking under control). You never know where you might meet The One.
posted by nanojath at 10:22 PM on July 18, 2006

Do as you want, not as others want.
posted by Ironmouth at 6:05 AM on July 19, 2006

I know a lot of people, guys and girls alike, who look at dating as an "audition" for marriage, or a test run, or what have you. And while I personally don't subscribe to that motto I don't begrudge those who do, because for the nth time on this thread I'll say we are all wired differently. I personally have never had a relationship last longer than 3-4 months, yet I always think I want a relationship. I've always thought I'm best built for a long-term deal - but my life so far has shown the complete opposite. Maybe you'll find the same thing once you're single for a little while.

I think you're being completely mature and honest with yourself, and that's what matters. If you were to go out and hook up with random girls and push all of your real-self-ness aside, that's not being fair to anyone, especially you. That said, getting out there and "playing the field" is one of the only, if not THE only, way to weed out what you do or don't want in a partner and without years of investment in a relationship. Once you fine-tune your people-reading skills you'll be able to learn what you need to know in a fraction of the time!

Just keep a positive attitude and you'll attract the right girl. Whether she wants a long-term relationship or not, you'll have fun figuring it all out!
Good luck to you.
posted by slyboots421 at 11:33 AM on July 19, 2006