How can I make it up to you?

July 10, 2006 6:56 PM

How do I make amends for being a complete jerk to a family member? I'm looking for something specific I can do to express my regret without coming across as condescending or smarmy.

Some backstory: my first cousin, with whom I've been close all my life, got married in April. It was done at City Hall and brought with them only their parents. There wasn't a party or anything afterwards, and a bigger reception/ceremony for the rest of the family and their friends is planned for next July.

Initially I thought their April marriage "ceremony" was a matter of logistics--my cousin recently got a job with great benefits and wanted to add his fianceé to his health insurance--and that the actual wedding, with formal wear and vows and cake and the whole shebang was going to happen a year from now. Because of that, I didn't send a card or anything, and even though I kept thinking "I should call," I never did. Mistake number one.

A month or so ago I saw a picture of them from City Hall. Uh-oh: she's in a gown, he's in a tux, there are flowers--apparently this was the big deal ceremony, and the event next year is just the reception. Obviously at this point I had no excuse not to send a card or call to say, "Hey, I misunderstood, I'm so sorry, congratulations!" But I didn't. It took other family members calling me to tell me how upset my cousin is to get me to call. Mistake number two.

The call went poorly. I didn't try to make excuses and instead just said, "I was thoughtless and I'm sorry." He's still very hurt, which is totally justified.

At this point I feel like calling and apologizing more would be overkill and could come across as insincere. Is there anything else I can do to make amends?

posted by jesourie to human relations (19 comments total)

Write a letter. Seriously. It gives you the opportunity to write exactly what you want to say, no more and no less.

It sounds like you want someone to tell you to buy flowers or send a singing telegram or something creative, but that's not called for. Sincere equals straightforward which equals the most obvious route. Just make sure your letter isn't smarmy.
posted by kingjoeshmoe at 7:05 PM on July 10, 2006

People getting upset over how other people react to their totally unique and unconventional nuptuals is getting old. Everyone I know wants to get all kooky and have a ceremony somewhere unconventional or only invite people who make their arbitrary and non-standard list of "close family." That's fine, get married how you want, but don't be all pouty when people don't understand what etiquette to follow.

I think your cousin can get over it. He's hurt because you didn't call or send a card? Did they send an announcement? You're close enough for him to be offended, but not so close that you talk more than every few months? You didn't know the details or the purpose of the ceremony until a month later, after seeing a picture. Who got overlooked here?

I think being sincerely apologetic and willing to make amends is plenty. I don't think his being "very hurt" sounds justified, just melodramatic.
posted by techgnollogic at 7:17 PM on July 10, 2006 [1 favorite has favorites]

A personal letter beats any gift or expression of cash. Spend some time getting the sentiment right, but don't worry if it is basically pretty short. I would be honest, you fucked up and then it became increasingly embarrassing to apologize so you compounded the original sin by avoiding the inevitable apology. You know it was a jerky thing to do and you know that it hurt his feelings. You really think the world of your cousin and now ask simply for forgiveness. You also wish him well with his new marriage. yada yada in your own words.
posted by caddis at 7:21 PM on July 10, 2006

You are in the clear. Your cousin's behavior is inexcusable. You are never obligated to send a gift or card for a wedding to which you were not invited (it's certainly a nice thing to do, but never expected.) And when you called and he basically told you to f off, you're more than done. You don't need to do anything else.
posted by Saucy Intruder at 7:34 PM on July 10, 2006

I completely agree with techgnollogic. You didn't know what was going on because it wasn't made clear to you. Yet he's your cousin and you love him and his feelings are hurt rightfully or not, so I third the suggestion to write a short letter saying something like "I'm sorry I wasn't able to clearly explain when we spoke, but truly, this was a misunderstanding -- I thought the reception next year was going to be my chance to help you celebrate. I really am thrilled for you, so what can I do to help you with it?". Maybe you can help host out-of-towners, or by running errands, or by recommending a great photographer -- offer up whatever you think you can do, so that he knows you are making a concrete commitment and not one of those nebulous hand-waving "Oh let me know if I can help" kind of things people say but rarely mean. If he doesn't mend fences with you at that point then he is unquestionably being unreasonably churlish and you should not beat yourself up about it.
posted by melissa may at 7:35 PM on July 10, 2006

Also, can I just take this opportunity to say how tiresome it is to receive passive-aggressive reports from other people about how upset so-and-so is over the terrible thing you did? Your cousin had no business telling other people in your family about his hurt -- he should have called you to talk about it before assuming the worst of you. Really, he did everything wrong here, not you. But again, because you love him and your ultimate goal is to heal this rift, you can do a good thing and reach out to him. You shouldn't, however, feel one speck of guilt about it.
posted by melissa may at 7:44 PM on July 10, 2006

Show him this thread.

Seriously, I second the sincere letter idea. Before you write it, if you have not already, read this:
posted by 4ster at 8:03 PM on July 10, 2006

Short and sincere letter stating your feelings and apology. After that, it is his fault if he doesn't accept.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 8:19 PM on July 10, 2006

You definitely weren't a complete jerk. It's pretty unusual to have the reception over a year after the ceremony. If you weren't invited to the actual wedding, and the differentiation between the two events wasn't made clear to you beforehand, you can't be blamed for misunderstanding. I aree with techgnollogic; if they want something so unusual, they can't get upset that you didn't know the etiquette. Your cousin is undoubtedly hurt but he's also being a wee bit overdramatic about it.

I would send him a letter, or make a call, but don't apologise for being a jerk, because you weren't one. I'd go with something like "I'm really sorry you feel so hurt over my lack of response after the wedding. I honestly misunderstood; I thought you were having the proper wedding next year, and that the City Hall do was only a formality, which you didn't expect us to participate in. I am really happy for you, though, and I'd like to express that somehow." Maybe you could then offer to have him round to dinner with the new wife, or (as melissa may suggests) ask what you can do for the July event.
posted by andraste at 8:50 PM on July 10, 2006

Good responses by all I think. I recommend the letter-writing approach, and make it hand-written. That shows that you put more time and effort into it.
posted by bangitliketmac at 9:11 PM on July 10, 2006

I think Saucy Intruder, Melissa May, and Johnny Gunn are right on ... you've done nothing wrong.

And who's ever heard of a reception a year after the ceremony? That's very weird, and shows your cousin and his wife don't have the best sense or instincts about this stuff anyway.
posted by jayder at 9:49 PM on July 10, 2006

Your first mistake was not that you didn't send a card, but that you tried to apologize. You didn't actually do anything wrong by not sending a card.

I would have just stuck out the awkward until the reception then sent the card.
posted by Matt Oneiros at 12:24 AM on July 11, 2006

I'd find a way to do it from my own heartfelt sentiment, rather than from the desire to make him not be upset with me. And if it's coming from a real desire to bridge what's apparently a widening gulf, whatever you do will probably be fine.

Here's how I'd think about it, personally. A marriage is the start of their life together. So, if I want to be an important part of their new life, I'd better get in on the transition rituals. So, I'd call and say "Hey there! I said I'm sorry before, and you said it was okay, but I still feel like I flaked on being there for something important. I wish I'd been a part of it. Can I invite you guys over for dinner and hear about what I missed?" (I'm assuming you live in the same town for some reason.) They come over and you cook them dinner. It can even be pretty casual since it's not a fancy party (that's the thing that's coming later), it's just a gesture of family-ness. So it's you and them, and you want to hear all about the ceremony and the upcoming reception. You could even offer to help pull together the reception, if they want some help.

I wouldn't do it if it makes you feel desperate or smarmy, but hopefully you could just see it as welcoming her to the family, celebrating that they are starting a new life together, or expressing that you do want a connection with them as a couple. I'd definitely include his wife in whatever letter/gesture/etc.
posted by salvia at 12:47 AM on July 11, 2006

Your cousin is doing something outside of the norm. The notion of having a wedding (complete with tux & gown) followed by the big reception over a year later? It's like Our Wedding II: Extended Gift Grab.

Are your cousin's arms broken? Why didn't he call you and tell you about his big day? Do the phone lines in your area only work in one direction?

Seriously, he & wife are now married and that comes with some social obligations: telling people they're married via phone, letter or announcement (like grown ups) instead of leaving it for the family gossip chain.

You did nothing wrong but apologised anyway. Don't bring it up again because the ball is now in Cousin's court. He has to either accept your apology or realize that's he's being ridiculous.

You may chose (for the sake of family peace) to apologise again. Keep it low keyed, express your happiness for the couple and let it drop.
posted by jaimystery at 4:29 AM on July 11, 2006

You can tell him that you misunderstood and then got embarrassed, which is true, but your cousin is being a big drama queen. "Ooh, let's have a fancy wedding and invite nobody and then pitch a hissy when people are confused about buying us presents and telling us how wonderful we are!" I totally understand that some people want a very private wedding, but if that's what they do then that's what they get. Getting married doesn't actually make you special, which people forget sometimes.

"I misunderstood and then I got embarrassed. I hope we can let it go now." You can be generous and not call him on his ridiculous emotional gift-grabbing blackmail if he can be generous and let it go. Otherwise, this is not a very good friend to you, I think.
posted by Lyn Never at 6:30 AM on July 11, 2006

You know, folks, it's not the case that one of these two people is by logical necessity a complete jerk. Just because jesourie isn't (and I agree with that), it doesn't follow that the cousin is. It's perfectly understandable that he's upset over not having heard a word about his getting married from someone he's close to, even though it's also understandable why jesourie didn't contact him. Human, all too human, as they say. Just write a nice letter and send them a nice gift; they'll forgive you. It's OK to bend over backward for someone you care about—I've done it many a time and others have done it for me. It's how the species has managed to survive this long.
posted by languagehat at 7:13 AM on July 11, 2006 [1 favorite has favorites]

I was initially going to suggest sending flowers with a personal heartfelt letter.
However, from the sound of the phone call you had with your cousin, I think that the more you apologize, the worse the couple is going to feel about it.


From an objective wedding quid pro quo standpoint, it is true that you didn't do anything wrong; they did a bad job of informing folks about their unconventional nuptials, and they have not right to be upset. (Also, the belated Wedding Party II: Gift-Receiving Boolagoo is kind of icky.)

However, from the subjective standpoint, this is about your relationship with your cousin. Instead of bringing up the negative you can't change (that you did not call in April), focus on the positive. Offer to help out with the upcoming July festivities, if you can: go out to see potential bands with him, get recommendations from friends for wedding vendors, etc. On this point, I second melissa may.
posted by Sprout the Vulgarian at 8:25 AM on July 11, 2006

On a totally weirdly related note, my cousin just did the same thing (with a reception in a year) and their card has been sitting on my desk for weeks because I didn't know what gift to send, or if to send one at all. I guess I will ;)

The funny thing about family, just because the OP is the right doesn't mean that she won't have to apologize to smooth things over. What's more important? Being right? Or talking to her cousin on friendly terms? Standing up and telling her cousin he was in the wrong only "wins" on ask.metafilter. However, I wouldn't take it too personally. I'd chock it up to insecurity. (We did this weird wedding thing and my cousin didn't even acknowledge it. She's wrong or else I am and this is my wedding so I can't be wrong!) People get stupid when marriage, ego and family is involved anyway.

I'd write an honest letter that focuses on the positive (how happy you are for him and his bride, how great it is they are married and how you would have loved to be there) and accompany it with a card and if you have the funds, a small check (that's assuming the reason they put off the reception was to arrange and afford it). If not a check, I'd give something that helps them with the upcoming reception-- a nice scrapbook kind of thing, if you have design or crafting skills, an offer to help out, etc.

Good luck. And thanks for the reminder.
posted by Gucky at 9:41 AM on July 11, 2006

Thanks to all of you for your suggestions!

I'm writing a letter that I hope will smooth things over. In the meantime, thanks for the validation that my cousin is being both passive-aggressive and overly dramatic. I love my cousin more than I love being vindicated, so I'm going to keep my mouth shut and just say I'm sorry in writing, but I appreciate the feedback here.
posted by jesourie at 6:25 PM on July 11, 2006