What do I need next to my batarang?

July 6, 2006 10:20 AM

I'm becoming a costumed crimefighter -- what should I have on my utility belt?

As should be obvious, I have no actual superhuman powers, but I'd like my personal utility arsenal to have a variety of items that will be useful in the detection, pursuit, and apprehension of criminals. This is not crimelab type stuff, but items I can carry on my person either in a small pack, affixed to a belt, etc.

Cost is an issue (because I'm not Bruce Wayne or Tony Stark) so nothing too extravagant. Bulk is also an issue, but if something is essential, then I'll find a way to carry it.

Some items that are already planned: flashlight, pepper spray, small digital camera, some kind of multi-tool, and disposable plastic restraints.

I AM NOT INTERESTED in issues of legal sanction or the ramifications of vigilante justice. However, feel free to send any other general tips about heroing to the e-mail address in my profile.

posted by modern_heroes to sports, hobbies, & recreation (67 comments total)

45 Beretta Semi-Auto, Mace, Tazer should do ya well.
posted by DieHipsterDie at 10:22 AM on July 6, 2006

duct tape. can't forget the duct tape.
posted by jne1813 at 10:26 AM on July 6, 2006

cell phone
basic lock-picking kit
smoke bombs
posted by Espy Gillespie at 10:28 AM on July 6, 2006

Always userful is the Travel Tinker Trouble kit [via], a compact little DIY MacGyvering kit that will fit in an Altoids tin. You never know when you'll need dental floss, sandpaper, and Claritin while preserving Truth, Justice, and the American Way.

But seriously... some probably-obvious things that I'd forget to bring along if I were to go fighting crime: a pen, some paper, and maybe a cheap digital voice recorder. I'm sure that could come in handy.
posted by freakscout at 10:30 AM on July 6, 2006

rent Takashi Miike's Zebraman, it's the story of your life
posted by matteo at 10:31 AM on July 6, 2006

ASP Baton, Mirror, Thermite*, Nagteppo*, Caltrops*, M1911A1/SIG P220 .45 with at least 3 extra magazines*, a Tazer, spare batteries, Night Vision monocle*, fishing line, UV pen & light.

That's just a quick one. Back with more later.


*take these with a pinch of salt
posted by longbaugh at 10:31 AM on July 6, 2006

Mini-Stick Keychain.

Ohh, and let us know when the pepper spray gets used against you and your digital camera gets stolen. You need to travel lighter.
posted by banished at 10:33 AM on July 6, 2006

Plastic cable ties to use for handcuffs.
posted by spilon at 10:35 AM on July 6, 2006

A decent quality combat knife*, a smaller knife, Fake I.D.*, rubber gloves, locking caribiners, grappling hook, kevlar vest*, field dressings, basic medical equipment for when you are inevitably shot or stabbed by an armed criminal.

*this is a really dumb idea and I would suggest thinking twice. If you genuinely want to stop crime become a peace officer.
posted by longbaugh at 10:40 AM on July 6, 2006

My costume included a pair of white pajamas, pants tucked into socks, a sword made out of Construx, and an inhuman willingness to cut a kid's face open if he stepped out of line.
posted by jon_kill at 10:42 AM on July 6, 2006

Why not ask this guy? He's a real superhero just like Batman! Well, OK, not so much Batman... more like Darkwing Duck.

As for me, if I were going crimefighting I'd want smoke bombs with which to disappear mysteriously after kicking criminal ass.

(self-linked commentary regarding the "real" superhero)
posted by Servo5678 at 10:47 AM on July 6, 2006

I don't know what you were planning to use for restraints, but I suggest carrying zip ties, which can do that job as well as many others.

Also, I've heard that bear spray is better than pepper spray and has more distance.

I think you should consider carrying items to aid yourself in escaping from situations, since vigilantes are often at odds with both villains and police. For instance, some items to create diversions remotely: laser pointer, small radio-control car, etc.

On preview: I guess I 2nd the cable ties.
posted by Sprout the Vulgarian at 10:47 AM on July 6, 2006

Brass knuckles, a leather sap, signal flares.
posted by longbaugh at 10:51 AM on July 6, 2006

IIRC, paper bags are recommended for collecting evidence (plastic ones collect moisture I think), don't know if that is part of your heroing plan.
I think a rope or a small roll of plastic wrap would serve you well, both have many uses, including restraint.
posted by rmless at 10:51 AM on July 6, 2006

Ninja throwing star(s), bullwhip (can be pricey for higher end models), a length of sturdy rope (if you can't afford the bullwhip this will do in a pinch), a monogrammed handkerchief (to dry the tears of gratitude shed by those you rescue), Vick's Vaporub (to rub under your nostrils when the stench of a particularly scummy criminal becomes overwhelming), business cards.
posted by persona non grata at 10:54 AM on July 6, 2006

A leatherman
posted by Durhey at 10:55 AM on July 6, 2006

There are some good suggestions above. If you're planning to do this in real life, ignore what sort of items are carried by fictional superheroes and focus on the types of equipment carried by Special Forces. And definitely bring a cell phone, but prep its speed-dial with various emergency numbers you might need; because when you dial 411 and ask to be connected to local police, the operator will ask whether it's an emergency — and even if you say, "Yes, it's an emergency," you will still have to listen to any automated messages (e.g., "Verizon is connecting your call to 617..." or "If you would like to have this number sent to your cell phone as a text message, please press one"). I'm speaking from experience. Program the numbers ahead of time and save yourself 90 seconds.
posted by cribcage at 10:55 AM on July 6, 2006

Are you a daytime or night time vigilante? Will you be working just one area or will you move about? Will you be using a vehicle or relying on public transport? Will you be utilising camouflage to blend in with surroundings or with regular people on the street? Will you use yourself as bait or will you rely on finding criminals at random?

So many questions but each will further assist us in helping you. Word to the wise, don't wear a costume because they are totally not cool, mmkay?

Other things to carry - chemlights, smelling salts, dog whistle (to distract crap, untrained guard dogs), more ammunition, snacky cakes (oatmeal bars etc.), plastic bags to poop in/place rubbish in whilst on reconnaisance.
posted by longbaugh at 11:01 AM on July 6, 2006

I just wanted to say that I'm well aware of other real-life costumed heroes and have made contact with some of them. This question is just to cast the net a little wider and see what kind of insight the hive-mind has into crimefighting. The last thing I want is to be in a tight situation and wish I had something that I don't.

Guns are out, not just because of the expense but also because I don't want to kill (or even severely harm) anyone.
posted by modern_heroes at 11:03 AM on July 6, 2006

This is not judging, but carry your lawyer's card or memorize their number. If you don't have a lawyer, get one. Depending on the situation you find yourself in, you are as likely to get arrested as whoever you used the disposable restraints on.
posted by PinkStainlessTail at 11:04 AM on July 6, 2006

If you are unable or unwilling to harm someone whilst trying to fight crime I have to ask exactly what sort of crime you hope to stop.
posted by longbaugh at 11:08 AM on July 6, 2006

First aid supplies.
Small homing beacon you can plant to track people or their cars. (Ok, this one costs a little. But it's cool :)
gas pen-torch for uh... cutting... things...?
miniature strobe beacon for uh... getting rescued? ooh, better would be a flare gun, because that doubles as a means of deflecting incoming heat-seeking missiles :)
Paint gun with skin-marking dye pellets?
Sound recorder (eg a tiny flash-memory mp3 player). Be it to record the villian explaining his masterful plan before he kills you, so you can defeat him them hand it to the police to use in court, or (perhaps more likely) to have a record of interactions with police or other confrontations that might end up in court too :)
A mask? If not the kind of mask for disguise, then the kind of mask that keeps crap out of your lungs, like smoke or anthrax :)
A miniature geiger counter, to... uh... count you some geigers :-) (They're about $50 for a crappy but tiny one. $200 for a decent but pocket-sized one)

Enough about your utility belt. Rent the movie "Army of Darkness", and fast forward to the scene where Ash opens the trunk of his car. No james-bond style mechanised secret compartments or racks of pristine weapons or anything like that, just junk. Lots of junk. Useful junk, Manly junk. The junk with which you can do anything. Whatever you want, whatever you need, it's in the trunk. Somewhere. :)
posted by -harlequin- at 11:09 AM on July 6, 2006

And not just arrested, but sued as well. I know you aren't interested in the "legal ramifications" but a lot of people don't think about the civil side, so I just wanted to remind you of that potential snag in what might otherwise be a very well-intentioned plan.
posted by The Bellman at 11:09 AM on July 6, 2006

My conceptual kit that can deal with almost any emergency, from feeling peckish, to being lost and stranded in the desert near death: A satellite phone, and a visa card with a very deep credit limit :)
posted by -harlequin- at 11:13 AM on July 6, 2006

A radio that can recieve the emergency bands?
posted by -harlequin- at 11:19 AM on July 6, 2006

longbaugh asked "Are you a daytime or night time vigilante? Will you be working just one area or will you move about?..."

These are all good questions but assume for the moment that I haven't figured out the details yet and I'm looking at as many contingencies as possible.

Just for general info, though, I will be working in an urban environment in a large, east-coast city. For the time being I need to be as circumspect as possible about revealing details.

Also, to the helpful folks who ignored my comment about not being interested in legal ramifications: this is just a brainstorming session about tools, not a plan for my exploits. If you have off-topic comments, please feel free to e-mail me at the address in my profile.
posted by modern_heroes at 11:20 AM on July 6, 2006

The supply issue seems to be pretty well covered, so here are a few tips on costuming. Although it's a cliche, you can't do better than Spandex for mobility. Plus, the form-fitting material will minimize any convenient handholds for grappling with evildoers. (If you don't have a physique that looks good in Spandex, you're probably not cut out to be a superhero in the first place. Sorry.) You may be tempted to cut an imposing figure, but you need to cut out anything, and I mean anything, that could get caught, snagged or torn. This means cowls and capes are completely out (watch "The Incredibles" for more on this topic). Even worse is anything with holes deliberately in it-- I saw a spider-themed costume design with a web-cape. Anyone who tries to wear that will strangle himself within minutes. Finally, if you want to wear a domino mask, don't tie it on with string. The mask will move and blind you. Stick the mask on with spirit gum or other theatrical adhesive instead.

Hope this helps!
posted by Faint of Butt at 11:25 AM on July 6, 2006

Suggestions - lose any preconceptions you have about not injuring/not being injured. The first time you get involved in a possible altercation you will soon wise up. Take this from someone who always does the stupid stepping in, white knight routine and has a couple of good kickings administered as a result.

If you want to stop crimes that affect more people that just burglaries/assaults etc. might I recommend becoming an anti-corporate crimefighter (think Sangamon Taylor from Zodiac : An Ecothriller)?
posted by longbaugh at 11:28 AM on July 6, 2006

Is time travel an option? Because if so you could pickup some rather nifty objects in the future.

If not, you'll want a bluetooth headset for your cell phone with voice dialing. No one wants to hold a cellphone while the criminals are beating on them. Also, there are chemicals you can get that induce vomiting almost instantly in people. Maybe some of that dye they use in department store security devices to mark the perp. Flares. One of those scanning-pen things so you can scan peoples ID's after you've knocked them out and keep a record of your triumphs.
posted by blue_beetle at 11:29 AM on July 6, 2006

Definitely a pen-torch as mentioned by -harlequin- (or something that'll burn, say, ropes or small chains).
posted by kimota at 11:35 AM on July 6, 2006

Guns are out, not just because of the expense but also because I don't want to kill (or even severely harm) anyone.

Fair enough, and I would never encourage anyone to carry a gun who wasn't prepared to fire it. But keep in mind that while you're talking about criminals' safety, I'm thinking about yours. You're proposing dangerous behavior, and if you're facing a likelihood of violent confrontations with criminals, you should consider your own self-defense. I would strongly recommend a gun.

Carry a compass. Whether you're keeping a record of movements or relaying information to police, it will help to be able to know that the suspect is heading west.
posted by cribcage at 11:35 AM on July 6, 2006

Set your Tivo to watch Who Wants to be a Superhero later this month, unless that's why you're asking and your superhero name is really "SciFi-Network-Marketing-Guy".
posted by FreezBoy at 11:44 AM on July 6, 2006

Video camera, with tripod. That way you can setup a stakeout from a distance, and record the crime on video. Video would seem to be more telling of a crime than still pictures from a digi camera
posted by jldindc at 11:45 AM on July 6, 2006

I predict you'll be needing your health insurance card, dogtags with your blood type/next of kin, and/or medic alert bracelet with drug allergies, etc listed (if applicable).
posted by tetsuo at 11:46 AM on July 6, 2006 [1 favorite]

Freezboy says: "Set your Tivo to watch Who Wants to be a Superhero later this month."

That show might be interesting, but it's totally different than what I and others are doing. Those people are pretending to have powers, not actually trying to fight crime.
posted by modern_heroes at 11:51 AM on July 6, 2006

To track someone, you could purchase a cellphone with GPS on it that adheres to the types usable with this service that tracks anything that can carry a cellphone. The service is not that expensive. You could track someone's car by inserting this cellphone in it and then sit in another car with a laptop and wireless internet access (or at home on a computer with broadband) and track where that car is going.
posted by jldindc at 11:54 AM on July 6, 2006

As regards Faint of Butt's seque into costuming, I'd also suggest that modern motorcycle clothes are a potential source of affordable lightweight bodyarmour (not against bullets, that involves a different method of weaving the kevlar, but for other kinds of trauma - the cuts and rips and scrapes of a life on the edge :)
posted by -harlequin- at 12:00 PM on July 6, 2006

For todays most nefarious criminals, you'll need nothing less than a good calculator, a portable copy of the U.S. tax code and some Mentos (to coax whistleblowers).
posted by Terminal Verbosity at 12:01 PM on July 6, 2006

A whistle for attracting attention and scaring evil-doers. Well, maybe not Lex Luthor, but kids with spray paint.
posted by justkevin at 12:03 PM on July 6, 2006

Audio listening equipment: Consider a directional microphone, such as the shotgun microphone on this page. These microphones can be hooked up to a voice recorder to listen in on your criminals from 100 yrds away as they talk about the crime they are about to commit. Very useful as evidence for the police along with video I mentioned before.
posted by jldindc at 12:07 PM on July 6, 2006

Sunscreen.
posted by verveonica at 12:11 PM on July 6, 2006

It seems like you might take folks' recommendations re: keeping medical and lawyer info on your person as snark, but I think it's as important as anything else.
Eventually, you're going to get hurt. If you can't get to a 24/7 personal physician the way comic-book characters do, then you'll have to go to a hospital, and you'll need ID.
Along the same lines, if you accidently get caught by the police when they're trying to catch the bad-guy, you'll need a lawyer.

I still think you need to focus on escape plans. If you're going to be in an urban environment, try to come up with some plans for squeezing and jumping to get up or through common types of areas where others cannot (fire escapes, open windows, etc.); there may be too many obstacles for speed alone.

Also, you may not have a gun, but others will. Plan accordingly.
posted by Sprout the Vulgarian at 12:19 PM on July 6, 2006

Oops, I forgot to mention my tools suggestions for escapiness:
climbing rope
super-bright flashlight for temp. blinding enemies
wear a pelvic climbing harness at all times so you can rappell down buildings once you escape up them
posted by Sprout the Vulgarian at 12:22 PM on July 6, 2006

I second carrying a sap (I call it a black jack.) You swing that at someone and it doesn't matter where you connect, it hurts like hell. Shark repellent? Also, I'd suggest carrying cigarettes and a lighter; Cigarettes can allow you to make friends / approach people more easily (got a light?), can be used as a weapon, an act of kindness, etc.

Due to what you can carry on your body, it makes sense that everything have at least dual purpose.
posted by AllesKlar at 12:30 PM on July 6, 2006

Sprout says "It seems like you might take folks' recommendations re: keeping medical and lawyer info on your person as snark, but I think it's as important as anything else."

All I'm looking for here is "what should I carry with me?" everything else, for the purposes of this question, is irrelevant. Answers that are useful things for me to carry on my person are all fair game, be they lawyers' business cards or medicalert bracelet.

What I don't need is people telling me to sign up for health insurance or consult a lawyer. I may be unorthodox, and I'm sure lots of people will think the whole endeavor is a bad idea, but it's not like I haven't considered these issues. This just isn't the time, nor forum, for advice about that stuff. I thought putting the caveat in the question would prevent it, but I was mistaken.
posted by modern_heroes at 12:33 PM on July 6, 2006

Besides the weight of your utility belt I'd consider leaving off a few gizmos to go in for some body armor. A sidekick who is a doctor/lawyer hybrid and can carry the spare cell phone in case yours gets crushed in the heat of battle would be good - and keep quiet all those pesky legal/medical questioners. Flashlight or street flares seem like a good idea too. An air horn can also come in handy for summoning help and stunning evil doers if used at short range. And I've always thought that you could temporarily stop someone with a fire extinguisher (I've been accidentally squirted by one) - but it's a bit bulky to carry.

Best of luck, and don't give any television interviews as it'll ruin your cred. Stick with print media. More mysterious that way.
posted by batgrlHG at 1:05 PM on July 6, 2006

What I don't need is people telling me to...consult a lawyer.

I agree that people should stick to the scope of your question. But to be fair, this advice is relevant to what you asked: Carrying a random lawyer's phone number is not the same as carrying the pager number of a lawyer you've already spoken with and who is familiar with your circumstances.

In a similar vein, you might consider carrying a scripted assertion of rights in case you're arrested. There was a criminal organization in Boston some years ago that hired a lawyer to draft an assertion, printed the text onto laminated cards, and distributed the cards to its members. I'm sure you can find similar statements via Google — but obviously, it would be ideal if you hired a lawyer familiar with your circumstances to draft such a statement specifically for you.
posted by cribcage at 1:08 PM on July 6, 2006

You don't really need to wear a rappelling harness all the time unless you're going to rappel a lot (or unless you like how the harness emphasizes your package). you can wear a Last Chance belt, which works as a rappel attachment point, in a pinch. You'll need a rappel device, too. the figure eight is about the smallest and lightest descender that works. Get a locking carabiner to connect the eight to the belt. Also have about 6 meters of 8mm dynamic rope, or you will descend much too fast. Learn to use these things by practicing in a rock gym or other supervised program; if you try to learn rapelling on your own, you'll probably get badly hurt.
posted by Kirth Gerson at 1:10 PM on July 6, 2006

Building on BatGirl's fire extinguisher idea, consider wearing a pair of them on your back with hoses extended to your wrists. Put together a simple trigger for each hand so you can 'point and spray' and you'll be able to not only stop small fires, but blind bad guys.

Also, it sounds like you're going to be fighting crime as part of a team. What goes in your belt should really compliment other teamates' skills/abilities. It's hard to say what you should have without knowing your partners in crimefighting.
posted by robocop is bleeding at 1:15 PM on July 6, 2006

Kirth, that harness alternative is cool. There's also a clever knot you can use for belaying and rappelling directly off your locking carabiner, instead of carrying around a figure 8. At this site, it's called the Italian Hitch.

I suggest that you get all this hardware in STEEL, not aluminum. If you ever decide to try using your carabiner to 'zip' down a metal wire, the metal will eat/melt the aluminum.* I also suggest getting one with an autolock, rather than a regular screwlock. Here's one from Kirth's suggestion site.

Also, consider carrying earplugs, in case of airhorn, whistle, etc.

*Even with a steel carabiner, I suggest replacing it immediately after the zip. Also, the zipping itself is pretty dangerous, so don't do it if you can do something safer.
posted by Sprout the Vulgarian at 1:49 PM on July 6, 2006

What about a good ol' USB memory stick of some kind, filled handy h4x04 tools, reference info, next of kin, burial instructions...
posted by utsutsu at 1:49 PM on July 6, 2006

Dragon Skin, both pistol and RIFLE resistant.
posted by 517 at 1:57 PM on July 6, 2006

Along the lines of the Dr. Esq. sidekick and the bluetooth headset, it might be super-helpful to get yourself an Oracle.
In other words, an offsite partner with an internet connection and excellent research skills. This probably wouldn't even be that difficult, and you two could even be anonymous to one another. This person could feed you geographical info, listen to the police radio, etc.
posted by Sprout the Vulgarian at 2:05 PM on July 6, 2006

You can buy very simple tripwires that are fitted to casings that hold blank shotgun shells, so that when the wire is tripped a deafening noise alerts you to the intruder (and scares them brainless).

These can also hold any number of other kinds of shells...

In New York City, it is legal for a group of fewer than three people to wear a face mask in public.
posted by hermitosis at 2:13 PM on July 6, 2006

You should check out camping supplies stores, because they have tiny and portable versions of anything useful.

Also, from watching too much TV, I think that scotch tape is important! With scotch tape you can collect fingerprints and small pieces of lint/fabric.
posted by easternblot at 3:16 PM on July 6, 2006

A quarter. You never know when you'll need make a phone call, play a game of space invaders or feed the parking meter. In a pinch, you can use it as a screwdriver.
posted by klarck at 3:49 PM on July 6, 2006

I've no idea what's possible and/or affordable, but some sort of little barbed (to stick in clothing) RFID or GPS-based tracking tags could be incredibly useful if you could get them - something you could plant on a bad guy to find his home or base.

I'd second smoke bombs or something similar, possibly in conjunction with night-vision goggles. Anything that means they can't see properly while you can can only be a good thing, if the equipment's not too heavy and you're not impairing your own vision too much.

I wonder how effective something odour-based could be. I'm particularly thinking of Cadaverine - a concentrated vial of something like that, broken on the clothes or skin of your opponent, could really put them off the fight. You'd need a filter mask or breather, of course, but you could always incorporate that into your costume - if you're going to cover your face anyway to hide your identity, you might as well make use of it.
posted by terpsichoria at 5:21 PM on July 6, 2006

First off: IANAL, but this sounds really, massively illegal, and kind of naive to boot. If you're set and bound to do this, please -try- to stay safe and not waste the time and money of whatever EMT squad gets called to peel you off the pavement after you encounter someone who didn't get the "the bad guys can't ever actually hit the hero with their guns!' memo.

Also: remember that the ATF arrests ninjas before walking around in public with a mask or other suspicious costume.

Don't screw with crime scenes. You will obstruct justice. You may prevent evidence from being admitted in a trial against the people you hope to catch, because you messed with it. You will get arrested. It will not be fun.

That said, if you're going to carry a celphone, take a page from the playbook of organized crime: to stay less tracable, use a pay-as-you-go phone, and pay for it with cash. Switch SIM cards often. Don't attach a battery to the phone when you're anywhere near your base of operations.

You'll probably get more benefit from travelling light than carrying lots of technologically advanced, expensive gizmos. For the one time that sticky-tape-and-GPS-tracking-phone comes in handy tracking a car, there will probably be 50 when you're running somewhere and think "gee, I wish I wasn't carrying so much stuff." Also, don't carry anything you can't afford to break or lose, because you will break or lose it.
posted by Alterscape at 6:20 PM on July 6, 2006

kevlar: Go for an FBI issue vest, rather than a police issue one. The FBI vests don't cover as much (basically your ribcage, your stomach and lower back are completely exposed) but they are much more comfortable to wear, especially if your moving around a lot, and they are much less noticable under clothing.
spray: Try to get your hands on the dog repellant that mailmen get. In my experience its much more dibilitating than both mace and pepperspray, and it shoots much further, and in a very defined stream, no misting at all.
And I'm not sure if this applies outside california, but if you call 911 from from a celly it connects you the Highway Patrol. Program the local non-emergency police numbers into your phone.
posted by gally99 at 6:31 PM on July 6, 2006

Sprout, yeah, I like the last chance belt, but it really isn't for regular use as a harness; there's too much chance of an inverted hang, and if your rappel gear seized up suddenly, it would be bad for your back. I'd still go with the figure eight - the aluminum ones are practically weightless. If you're going to use that hitch on a biner, definitely do get an autolock; the rope can unscrew a screw gate before you notice it, and then you're a skydiver. I'm having a hard time picturing rappelling on a wire rope - is that something you've seen? Bruce Smith, the guy who runs that On Rope 1 store, is also the primary author of the book On Rope, which is a great reference if you're into rope climbing.
posted by Kirth Gerson at 7:10 PM on July 6, 2006

Actually, Kirth, I was thinking that anyone in a vigilante line of activity desperate for safe escape already wearing a harness and some hardware would probably be sorely tempted to clip a carabiner to a horizontal metal wire between buildings and attempt a zip - the kind that really only ought to be done with a pulley. This would be different from a vertical rope rappell off a fire escape to the ground.

As for rappelling with wire rope? OUCH! The aluminum would outlast my hands.

And yes - ad hoc ziplines are INCREDIBLY DANGEROUS AND NOBODY SHOULD DO THAT.
That said, if I were a vigilante sans gun, and armed villains/police were after me, I might just take my chances.

(My personal opinion is that this whole thing sounds like a bad idea, but it is fun to think up what to put on that belt!)
posted by Sprout the Vulgarian at 9:03 PM on July 6, 2006

If you're the kind of dude who can walk unarmed into a violent crime and put a stop to it, it doesn't matter what the fuck is hanging from your belt. Might as well be bananas.
posted by popechunk at 9:35 PM on July 6, 2006

1. Clockwork Orange codpiece if you're flush with funds, or at least a dyed jockstrap if you're broke. You'll need your stones when you get the girl.
2. A concealable short sword or machete can handle just about any confrontation where you aren't facing firepower.
3. Callous wit and penchant for martinis should round you out.
posted by Operation Afterglow at 10:37 PM on July 6, 2006

- Liquid skin, 'cause any superhero can rip a cuticle in the line of duty
- Condoms, in case you get sidetracked (or overpowered)
- Oh, and wax lips: even the nastiest evildoers are a cinch to subdue when they're giggling helplessly.
posted by rob511 at 10:39 PM on July 6, 2006

An organ donor card.
posted by slimepuppy at 2:54 AM on July 7, 2006

A personal video recorder would be neat. Go around tailing police cars and recording all their traffic crimes. Burn a DVD and turn it in to the captain at the end of every month. Hurray, justice!


Also, I'd say go ahead and tattoo that lawyer's number to your body. When you get thrown in the clink, they'll take all your belongings.

...and you'll be too drunk to remember it.
posted by LordSludge at 10:43 AM on July 7, 2006

A hardware keylogger. Chloroform.
posted by gsteff at 11:35 PM on July 10, 2006