Do you know you have a lazy eye?

July 5, 2006 2:35 PM

What is the proper etiquette for asking someone about their lazy eye?

I have a colleague at work who sometimes - about 5% of the time - has a lazy eye. On these occasions I am naturally confused when confronted by two eyes each pointing in different directions and so instinctively avoid eye contact. Is it wrong to ask her about it? Because it's not permanent I'm also wondering if perhaps she's unaware of it.

posted by The_Partridge_Family to human relations (24 comments total)

Previously:
Conversations with people with lazy eyes

How to determine if a person with unusual eye alignment prefers one eye over another?
posted by occhiblu at 2:39 PM on July 5, 2006

Also Amblyopia Etiquette
posted by occhiblu at 2:40 PM on July 5, 2006

Ask what? It seems like the only responses are "Yes, sometimes my eye does wander [and thanks for bringing it up, jerk]" or "No, I have no idea what you are talking about [is this guy crazy?]". Either way you're no better off.

Try looking at the space between someone's eyebrows if the eyes weird you out.
posted by 0xFCAF at 2:42 PM on July 5, 2006

Speaking as someone who has a lazy eye that manifests occasionally, I don't mind being asked "Do you have a lazy eye?"
posted by solid-one-love at 2:46 PM on July 5, 2006

dammit - I searched for lazyeye, not lazy-eye.
posted by The_Partridge_Family at 2:46 PM on July 5, 2006

As someone suffering from a similar condition - just ask. It's life, you know, and pretending it isn't there is pointless social politeness. If you'd like, I can tell you a bunch of funny/cool stories about it.

I know a guy who landed on a power line while skydiving and lost most of his right leg. Now that was a story that I never got tired of hearing...
posted by unixrat at 2:47 PM on July 5, 2006

i have a lazy eye. A student (I work at a uni) with a more obvious (IMO) eye disability brought it up as a point of similarity between us.

I was surprised. I tend to forget about it, because I can see well enough for everything that I do and this reminded me that people who meet me are probably very aware of it and think of it as a disfigurement. (gee thanks, so I'm the advisor with the deformity.)

My daughter too has a lazy eye and we suffered the usual (optical) indignities in her early years. Would you believe strangers would come up to us and mention it, while we were sitting together, to encourage us to seek medical treatment?

In short, don't say anything. It's not a problem.
posted by b33j at 2:51 PM on July 5, 2006

If you're on friendly terms and have shared jokes/conversations in the past, then just ask. "I hope you don't mind me asking, but etc etc..."

If you barely know the person other than to say hello as you pass each other in the corridor, then it's none of your business.

As someone with a physical disability myself (muscular dystrophy), then I'd say don't do it. You'll both end up feeling uncomfortable.
posted by afx237vi at 3:08 PM on July 5, 2006

Interesting. I had surgery as a child (three times!) to fix most of my right eye's problems, but it will still turn in slightly if it gets tired from focusing without correction (AKA -- I take off my glasses/contacts for a prolonged period). I figure that hasn't happened in a few years.

But if it did, I wouldn't mind being asked about it. Maybe that would change if it was a constant problem for me.
posted by empyrean at 3:10 PM on July 5, 2006

There was a really interesting story on NPR Morning Edition last week about a woman who'd had a lazy eye that was corrected when she was young and was a neurologist. She met Oliver Sacks at a party and he was all "so, you have a lazy eye. Do you think you could explain what it's like to see stereopically?" And she was all "yes, of course, I'm a neurologist and a lecturer." Then she got home and found out that she couldn't. She ended up going to a developmental opthamologist who gave her these beads on a string that helped her to learn to see depth, when the prevailing wisdom was that if you don't have it by the age of around two you probably won't ever have it.

/only amblyopia anecdote I've got.
posted by sugarfish at 3:34 PM on July 5, 2006

I have a lazy eye if I'm not wearing my glasses or contacts (which is rarely). I don't really like that I have a lazy eye, it looks completely ridiculous, and I'm scarred from having to wear an eye-patch as a toddler in an effort to correct it (which only partially worked). If you were commenting on my lazy eye, and you weren't, like, my sister or my fiance, I would be really offended and think you were a total jerk.

It's like pointing out that someone has a giant scar on their face or is going bald. They most likely know about it, and you just should keep your mouth shut.
posted by tastybrains at 3:36 PM on July 5, 2006

Well, as someone with strabismus, I'll tell you that I'm not sensitive about it. When I'm tired it becomes very obvious but the simplest way to ask is: "What the hell are you looking at?? I'm over HERE, dummy!" ok so that was my dad's way (he had it too-nobody freak out about bad parenting, now), but really it's fine to just focus on the eye that's looking at you, or if you can't tell which one is looking at you, just pick one and stick with it.
posted by disclaimer at 3:37 PM on July 5, 2006

Short answer: Mention it. Don't mention it. Whatever, no biggie.

Long answer: For all practical purposes I'm blind in my left eye and when I get even a little tired it tends to wander off and do its own thing. I've been like this since as long as I can remember and don't consider it a disability - there's hardly anything I can't do as well as a normal sighted person. Sometimes people ask about it, sometimes they don't. Either way, I don't mind. Most of the time I forget about it. If someone asks, I'll talk about it, but after 30+ years, it makes for a fairly dull conversation. So don't be surprised if your collegue changes the subject fairly quickly.

Of course, I'm assuming that your collegue has a similar attitude and we've no way to know that, but in my experience other people with a lazy eye tend to be similar - yeah, sure, I have, what's for dinner?
posted by normy at 3:37 PM on July 5, 2006

I had a girlfriend with a lazy eye, and she enjoyed talking (to me) about it, and demonstrated how she could actually change her own focus from one eye to the other (by covering up the focused one and then looking only with the lazy one, then taking her hand away to reveal that the focused eye was now lazy).

Then again, she subscribed to Adult Video News, so I guess all bets were off from the start.
posted by bingo at 3:41 PM on July 5, 2006

Generally, I would mind being asked about it, probably because I was endlesslly mocked for that and half a dozen other things throughout school, and developed a habit of not making eye contact any more than absolutely necessary. (Cue suggestion for cognitive therapy in 5 ... 4 ... 3 ... 2 ... )

Ignoring it would be perfectly fine in my book. But I'm not your co-worker and I have no idea what she would want. Definitely I'd be careful of what you say about it, and avoid any theatrical show of sympathy (that's almost as bad as the mockery).
posted by Tuwa at 3:42 PM on July 5, 2006

"Holy cow, that's a huge hairy mole!"

Unlike a mole, however, it's not possible to correct lazy eyes without frequent surgeries (and even then, not in all cases). There's no reason to bring it up. Focus on the bridge of her nose if you need to make eye contact.

If she's really got a lazy eye (as I do), she won't even notice that you're focusing elsewhere - unless, of course, you turn around to see what she might be looking at behind you (which I've experienced - believe me, it's funny to watch folks try to recover from that gaffe).
posted by aberrant at 4:14 PM on July 5, 2006

Archie Bunker to Sammy Davis, Jr.
"Cream and sugar in your eye?"

(All in the Family - Episode 34, 2/19/1972)
posted by Fins at 5:20 PM on July 5, 2006

Guy with wooden eye asks girl with harelip to dance.

Guy: "Would you like to dance?"

Girl: "Would I!"

Guy: " Harelip...."

Seriously, WTF would you say? "I couldn't help but notice your lazy eye, you really oughta get that thing checked out."
posted by fixedgear at 5:55 PM on July 5, 2006

I tend to think of etiquette as conventions of behaviour amongst people who are not familiar with each other, such as to minimize offence due to misunderstanding. In such situations, you obviously don't point out things you find unusual about the other person unless it is to complement them.

Since you and the lazy-eyed person are colleagues, I assume there is some degree of familiarity between the two of you. So you can drop the more formal etiquette, and go ahead and ask the question if you do so in a sincere and considerate way. The goal is to project the feeling that you are trying to understand her situation out of mere curiousity. You are not judging her, you are not mocking her.

Think about what you want to find out, and how you want the other person to feel as a result of your question, and the words will come naturally.
posted by randomstriker at 6:14 PM on July 5, 2006

Because of an injury to my right eye as a child, I often have what is referred to as a "lazy eye" - especially when I am really tired.

I wouldn't mind the following - "Dude, you got like, a crazy eye there. What's that all about?"
posted by bradth27 at 8:15 PM on July 5, 2006

Looks like you're getting some split advice.

As a lazy-eye sufferer, I'll take the "don't say anything" side. It makes me self-conscious enough without people pointing it out, and then I won't make eye contact at all. Focus on the bridge of the nose or just look somewhere else in the room for two seconds. For some of us, the lazy-eye is what's called a "flick" in that it turns in when you refocus really quickly, and if you look somewhere or refocus, it goes away.

We'll still know you noticed it, but if you don't mention it, I can maintain the pleasant fiction that you aren't silently grossed out or freaking out about what eye to look at.
posted by Cyrie at 9:30 PM on July 5, 2006

I am naturally confused when confronted by two eyes each pointing in different directions and so instinctively avoid eye contact.

Why is avoiding eye contact the only instinctive response? I asked one of the earlier questions, and after using it for over a year now I will heartily endorse the "just pick an eye and stick with it" option. It really works - quickly and easily, I'd say - to minimize what you're calling "natural confusion." After trying it a couple of times, it quickly became my "instinctive" response to meeting someone with strabismus. That you see this person daily should just make it easier to deal with this without blurting out questions others might find embarrassing.

Bottom line: Your momentary confusion doesn't make you rude, but treating your momentary confusion *as something worth discussing* does. Focus on the first eye you notice and stay there - it works well, and the person you're talking with will almost certainly appreciate it. In the few cases where I've initially chosen an eye that wanders or doesn't seem as able to focus as the other, I quickly switch and don't go back, and it always - yep, *always* - ends the confusion, and we continue the conversation normally.

There's nothing shameful about strabismus, and an easy solution to your confusion, so what's there to talk about? I doubt anything you could say would normalize the situation more than quietly training yourself to focus on your co-worker's stronger eye.
posted by mediareport at 10:13 PM on July 5, 2006

I think you can get the same imformation without asking about the lazy eye. Just say "What's up with the one normal eye?"
posted by zackdog at 10:51 PM on July 5, 2006

I have a prosthetic eye which looks lazy some of the time. I prefer it when people tell me that it seems as though I'm not looking at them, so that I can adjust the angle at which I'm looking. This is particularly an issue when I'm speaking to one person in a group (I get "are you talking to me?" occasionally). I don't mind when people ask me about it, it's an easy conversation starter, but then I've had the prosthetic since I was a wee tacker and am perfectly comfortable with it.

If you know which eye it is, always focus on the other one.
posted by goo at 2:00 AM on July 6, 2006