ive been called a robot before....
July 4, 2006 7:49 PM Subscribe
psychology(?): I don't "attach"
I seem to have a problem bonding with people. Im capable of establishing and maintaining platonic and romantic relationships, but I don't quite connect I guess.
Ive only become aware of this "problem" as the relationships come to an end. Once a good friend of mine revealed that over the last month of our friendship, he had grown to disliking me. I wish I could say I was hurt, but I ended up asking tons of questions leaving him frustrated and liking me even less. Other than the general "huh, someone doesn't like me" the pain only went so deep.
Im vaguely aware that just about anyone in my life could up and disapear and Id be fine. I know that as a human, i require social interraction for my well being - and usually get it anon. over the internet. Meat space relationships require a lot of energy so I usually only maintain 4 or 5 close friendships.
The last two girls I dated for a year or more were similiar. I left the first one after infidelity on her part and I was pretty broken up for about a week or two... then nothing. The next one left me after I fucked up (not quite cheating, but I was definately in the wrong). That one stung worse but all the same, I was over it relatively quickly. I actually feel really bad that none of this really stung - I was deeply in love with these girls - was going to marry them and make babies etc.
Ive been with the current girl about twice as long as the previous two and Ive fallen madly in love again. I plan to marry her. This last week we had a fight. Whats weird is we don't usually fight at all, and on top of that, this was really bad - like almost break up kind of stuff. We're doing better now, but at the same time, the idea of losing her didn't terrify me - even though I love her and am very happy with her.
I don't have any anxiety being at a large party or crowd, interracting with lots of people etc. Im just happy being generally solitary.
on to the question:
Is there are name of all of this? Any sort of DIY therapy I could look into?
I feel bad that my affection only goes so deep - It almost feels dishonest to express affection and caring for other people when I know that Im not feeling it at the depths they are.
Is there anyway I can learn to bond better with people?
any additional suggestions, information, or places to look for information would be greatly appreciated.
I seem to have a problem bonding with people. Im capable of establishing and maintaining platonic and romantic relationships, but I don't quite connect I guess.
Ive only become aware of this "problem" as the relationships come to an end. Once a good friend of mine revealed that over the last month of our friendship, he had grown to disliking me. I wish I could say I was hurt, but I ended up asking tons of questions leaving him frustrated and liking me even less. Other than the general "huh, someone doesn't like me" the pain only went so deep.
Im vaguely aware that just about anyone in my life could up and disapear and Id be fine. I know that as a human, i require social interraction for my well being - and usually get it anon. over the internet. Meat space relationships require a lot of energy so I usually only maintain 4 or 5 close friendships.
The last two girls I dated for a year or more were similiar. I left the first one after infidelity on her part and I was pretty broken up for about a week or two... then nothing. The next one left me after I fucked up (not quite cheating, but I was definately in the wrong). That one stung worse but all the same, I was over it relatively quickly. I actually feel really bad that none of this really stung - I was deeply in love with these girls - was going to marry them and make babies etc.
Ive been with the current girl about twice as long as the previous two and Ive fallen madly in love again. I plan to marry her. This last week we had a fight. Whats weird is we don't usually fight at all, and on top of that, this was really bad - like almost break up kind of stuff. We're doing better now, but at the same time, the idea of losing her didn't terrify me - even though I love her and am very happy with her.
I don't have any anxiety being at a large party or crowd, interracting with lots of people etc. Im just happy being generally solitary.
on to the question:
Is there are name of all of this? Any sort of DIY therapy I could look into?
I feel bad that my affection only goes so deep - It almost feels dishonest to express affection and caring for other people when I know that Im not feeling it at the depths they are.
Is there anyway I can learn to bond better with people?
any additional suggestions, information, or places to look for information would be greatly appreciated.
You should note that "suffers" of Asperger Syndrome have reported that their "disorder" goes unnoticed in other cultures (in the UK for example). A bit like how no one would be able to tell if you had a lisp if you were Spanish.
Have you had a distinctly different cultural upbringing from where you are now? Were your parents from a different country?
I've noticed that my interactions with other people are intellectual and analytical, rather than heavily emotional. This may be a barrier when it comes to forming "traditional" intimate relationships, but I don't really want one of those anyway. When I deal with nice people from the UK, I usually "click" immediately.
My suggestion is to be yourself. While I don't encourage you to give up on any relationship that starts to look difficult, if you try to be something you're not don't expect that to work any better in the long run.
posted by krisjohn at 8:23 PM on July 4, 2006 [1 favorite]
Have you had a distinctly different cultural upbringing from where you are now? Were your parents from a different country?
I've noticed that my interactions with other people are intellectual and analytical, rather than heavily emotional. This may be a barrier when it comes to forming "traditional" intimate relationships, but I don't really want one of those anyway. When I deal with nice people from the UK, I usually "click" immediately.
My suggestion is to be yourself. While I don't encourage you to give up on any relationship that starts to look difficult, if you try to be something you're not don't expect that to work any better in the long run.
posted by krisjohn at 8:23 PM on July 4, 2006 [1 favorite]
meatspace=IRL
posted by zerokey at 8:38 PM on July 4, 2006 [1 favorite]
posted by zerokey at 8:38 PM on July 4, 2006 [1 favorite]
There's also reactive attachment disorder. This is a basic inability to form emotional connections with people. It arises as a consequence of early neglect and abuse and is essentially untreatable.
posted by SPrintF at 9:03 PM on July 4, 2006
posted by SPrintF at 9:03 PM on July 4, 2006
Hmmmm . . . problems with relationships, making human connections.
Emotional flatness.
AND indifference to negative appraisals by others.
I am not a shrink, this is not a medical opinion, but have you considered that you might be schizoid?
You might want to look into therapy. I have similar problems making connections. I've been seeing a psychodynamic therapist for about two years now and it's done me a world of good.
Good luck, anonymous.
posted by jason's_planet at 9:09 PM on July 4, 2006
Emotional flatness.
AND indifference to negative appraisals by others.
I am not a shrink, this is not a medical opinion, but have you considered that you might be schizoid?
You might want to look into therapy. I have similar problems making connections. I've been seeing a psychodynamic therapist for about two years now and it's done me a world of good.
Good luck, anonymous.
posted by jason's_planet at 9:09 PM on July 4, 2006
For god's sake, don't get a psychological diagnosis from a bunch of untrained strangers on the internet. Your indifferent nature could be for any number of reasons, from the pathological right down to it just being the way you are.
Talk to a professional.
posted by Zozo at 9:25 PM on July 4, 2006 [2 favorites]
Talk to a professional.
posted by Zozo at 9:25 PM on July 4, 2006 [2 favorites]
I have a similar situation. All I can say is that you're lucky that you can handle intimate relationships. I've never been able to do so.
I don't know what your personal situation is. Myself, I was abused as a child and socially outcast as a teen. I guess that when you have crap experiences with people, you don't tend to value them very much. They've never been able to do anything good for you, so why bother with them?
However, I know that what I'm feeling is some sort of disorder, because I see people around me having all kinds of good relationships with other people, and they can't all be faking it.
I think that psychologists are the best hope for this sort of thing.
posted by Jake Apathy at 10:02 PM on July 4, 2006
I don't know what your personal situation is. Myself, I was abused as a child and socially outcast as a teen. I guess that when you have crap experiences with people, you don't tend to value them very much. They've never been able to do anything good for you, so why bother with them?
However, I know that what I'm feeling is some sort of disorder, because I see people around me having all kinds of good relationships with other people, and they can't all be faking it.
I think that psychologists are the best hope for this sort of thing.
posted by Jake Apathy at 10:02 PM on July 4, 2006
Definitely go see a professional. I recommend a clincal psychologist as opposed to a therapist or a psychiatrist for this kind of thing, from personal experience. They generally have a pretty analytical approach that should work well for you.
I find that for me, my ability to relate to and care about things is tied directly to my depression. If I'm depressed, I'm very bad at caring about things, and also very bad at realizing I'm depressed. When I'm happier, I'm definitely closer to normal in terms of emotions.
posted by JZig at 10:10 PM on July 4, 2006
I find that for me, my ability to relate to and care about things is tied directly to my depression. If I'm depressed, I'm very bad at caring about things, and also very bad at realizing I'm depressed. When I'm happier, I'm definitely closer to normal in terms of emotions.
posted by JZig at 10:10 PM on July 4, 2006
One way to approach this question is: what does actually crack your shell and cause you real pain? If the answer is "nothing," then it's not a specific problem with attaching to people. It may be a larger hormonal thing or just plain total anomie.
With regard to personal attachments, it sounds like you're capable of having reasonable emotional reactions, but you bury them quickly, or they just end quickly. Perhaps you fear feeling things, perhaps you don't know how to feel them, or perhaps they feel so familiar that the experience has just lost all depth. I'm not calling you shallow, but there is something to be said for repetitive experiences losing their dimension.
As the years go by, I find myself more and more like this last option. It's as if the nerve endings which felt the pain of previous experiences in my life were completely burned out in the process. I took my first couple of major breakups hard, but recent ones have been more matter of fact. I'm more or less past losing my shit over breaking up with a girlfriend, at least more past it than I used to be. I have no doubt that I will feel great pain and loss in my future in life, but I think it's going to be things like losing my parents, perhaps confronting my own mortality, god forbid something horrid like losing a child.
I am also head over heels in love with a wonderful woman I earnestly aspire to shack up with in the family way. But the cold honest truth is that I have survived a few major life-ending breakups before and I know that I would bounce again if, for some reason, she and I didn't work out.
Does that make me a sick, unfeeling man? No. I would probably understand the reasons and motivations a lot better and much faster than when I was younger, and that would circumvent the weeks upon weeks of spinning my wheels & tearing my hair out that would seem to be evidence for "feeling attachment."
I am also partial to solitude but socially adept. And I have bid friendships goodbye with little more than the vague realization, months later, that they don't call anymore. Perhaps I am self-centered. Perhaps I am completely vain and unable to value someone who isn't interested in me. Those are both valid conclusions, but I dont' consider them particularly worse fates than any other personality traits I might posess. In fact, being a little clueless, insensate, and self-centered comes in handy if you're going to feel passionately about people, be open to them, express yourself well, suffer the slings and arrows of perfectly ordinary fortune, be realistic about the transience of life, and maintain a strong sense of self throughout it all.
You may be fine.
posted by scarabic at 10:18 PM on July 4, 2006 [3 favorites]
With regard to personal attachments, it sounds like you're capable of having reasonable emotional reactions, but you bury them quickly, or they just end quickly. Perhaps you fear feeling things, perhaps you don't know how to feel them, or perhaps they feel so familiar that the experience has just lost all depth. I'm not calling you shallow, but there is something to be said for repetitive experiences losing their dimension.
As the years go by, I find myself more and more like this last option. It's as if the nerve endings which felt the pain of previous experiences in my life were completely burned out in the process. I took my first couple of major breakups hard, but recent ones have been more matter of fact. I'm more or less past losing my shit over breaking up with a girlfriend, at least more past it than I used to be. I have no doubt that I will feel great pain and loss in my future in life, but I think it's going to be things like losing my parents, perhaps confronting my own mortality, god forbid something horrid like losing a child.
I am also head over heels in love with a wonderful woman I earnestly aspire to shack up with in the family way. But the cold honest truth is that I have survived a few major life-ending breakups before and I know that I would bounce again if, for some reason, she and I didn't work out.
Does that make me a sick, unfeeling man? No. I would probably understand the reasons and motivations a lot better and much faster than when I was younger, and that would circumvent the weeks upon weeks of spinning my wheels & tearing my hair out that would seem to be evidence for "feeling attachment."
I am also partial to solitude but socially adept. And I have bid friendships goodbye with little more than the vague realization, months later, that they don't call anymore. Perhaps I am self-centered. Perhaps I am completely vain and unable to value someone who isn't interested in me. Those are both valid conclusions, but I dont' consider them particularly worse fates than any other personality traits I might posess. In fact, being a little clueless, insensate, and self-centered comes in handy if you're going to feel passionately about people, be open to them, express yourself well, suffer the slings and arrows of perfectly ordinary fortune, be realistic about the transience of life, and maintain a strong sense of self throughout it all.
You may be fine.
posted by scarabic at 10:18 PM on July 4, 2006 [3 favorites]
So, you're beating yourself up for not being inclined to beat yourself up?
Your ability to detach, by whatever method you acquired it, is the very thing that Buddhists the world over are working to attain.
If you're not actually socially incompetent, and you're only asking about this because you see people around you weeping and wailing and rending their garments over things that you find you can take in your stride - don't sweat it. They're just crazy, like most people.
If you generally live with honesty, integrity, courtesy, generosity and respect for the feelings of others, that's enough. You can't and shouldn't try to make people like you.
posted by flabdablet at 11:07 PM on July 4, 2006
Your ability to detach, by whatever method you acquired it, is the very thing that Buddhists the world over are working to attain.
If you're not actually socially incompetent, and you're only asking about this because you see people around you weeping and wailing and rending their garments over things that you find you can take in your stride - don't sweat it. They're just crazy, like most people.
If you generally live with honesty, integrity, courtesy, generosity and respect for the feelings of others, that's enough. You can't and shouldn't try to make people like you.
posted by flabdablet at 11:07 PM on July 4, 2006
It's funny that you asked this question, because I have had these same questions lately. I've had tons of therapy, and I've lived a long time (50 years), but, I have no wisdom for you. I still have trouble attaching/feeling connected emotionally. I harbor the same secret, that someone very close to me could die and I wouldn't necessarily feel bad. My therapist attributes this detachment to a series of physical and emotional traumas from the age of 8 until, well, I left home.
She keeps working on me, but, sadly, I believe there is only so much therapy will do. I almost feel like it's way too ingrained to actually change at this point. And I've been working on it for about 25 years. So, yeah, I think I've given it my best efforts.
There are moments when I feel intense feelings, intense closeness. For my nephew, for one. Those feelings were a surprise to me. They just seemed to well up out of a place I never knew existed. Deep, deep love. Deep, deep connection. Then, recently, (literally the past few days), my mother was in the hospital, incapacitated, and in that situation, again, I was moved to a level of love and patience I had no idea I had any access to. I found it really odd, and a little unsettling.
I'm in a LTR, and she connects like nobodies business. She likes people. She talks to strangers in lines. But, she hates the internet. I love it. I also feel really connected to a community here. I think we all may have some sort of problem attaching and connecting, or we wouldn't spend so much time here with complete strangers.
Maybe we all have a little of what you have, and this web thing has managed to bring us all together, like the people compelled to go to that weird mountain in Close Encounters of the Third Kind, we have come here and found each other.
I hope you find an answer. I'll keep checking back, because I'm wondering about this myself. I have been down every avenue you can think of, and here I sit, same level of emotional disconnect 25 years later. Now I'm just trying to find a way to accept this, and make peace with it.
posted by joaniemcchicken at 12:20 AM on July 5, 2006
She keeps working on me, but, sadly, I believe there is only so much therapy will do. I almost feel like it's way too ingrained to actually change at this point. And I've been working on it for about 25 years. So, yeah, I think I've given it my best efforts.
There are moments when I feel intense feelings, intense closeness. For my nephew, for one. Those feelings were a surprise to me. They just seemed to well up out of a place I never knew existed. Deep, deep love. Deep, deep connection. Then, recently, (literally the past few days), my mother was in the hospital, incapacitated, and in that situation, again, I was moved to a level of love and patience I had no idea I had any access to. I found it really odd, and a little unsettling.
I'm in a LTR, and she connects like nobodies business. She likes people. She talks to strangers in lines. But, she hates the internet. I love it. I also feel really connected to a community here. I think we all may have some sort of problem attaching and connecting, or we wouldn't spend so much time here with complete strangers.
Maybe we all have a little of what you have, and this web thing has managed to bring us all together, like the people compelled to go to that weird mountain in Close Encounters of the Third Kind, we have come here and found each other.
I hope you find an answer. I'll keep checking back, because I'm wondering about this myself. I have been down every avenue you can think of, and here I sit, same level of emotional disconnect 25 years later. Now I'm just trying to find a way to accept this, and make peace with it.
posted by joaniemcchicken at 12:20 AM on July 5, 2006
I am very familiar with this feeling, which has just started to lift for me lately. My slightly left-field theory is that this is related to the fact that I've stopped overeating (the only recent lifestyle change I've made). There's something about waking up in the morning with an healthy appetite that just seems to give life a bit of extra "bite".
posted by teleskiving at 1:40 AM on July 5, 2006
posted by teleskiving at 1:40 AM on July 5, 2006
I can relate to your description. I've always attributed my ability to get over ended relationships and not "missing" people to the fact that my family moved about 12-14 times during my childhood. It was good practice for dealing with lost relationships, so now when a friend moves or a relationship ends I just get on with it.
I used to think there was something wrong with me and that I'd not be able to have good relationships. Then I realized that I'm perfectly capable of being honest, kind, ethical, et al. And having inexpicable emotional reactions to things is not a necessary component to loving people.
That said, I do have a two year old and find myself reacting more emotionally in regards to him than to anyone else in life. So I guess it's a continuum.
posted by muddylemon at 2:29 AM on July 5, 2006
I used to think there was something wrong with me and that I'd not be able to have good relationships. Then I realized that I'm perfectly capable of being honest, kind, ethical, et al. And having inexpicable emotional reactions to things is not a necessary component to loving people.
That said, I do have a two year old and find myself reacting more emotionally in regards to him than to anyone else in life. So I guess it's a continuum.
posted by muddylemon at 2:29 AM on July 5, 2006
data point: "my family moved about 12-14 times during my childhood.... Mine moved a lot too but I'm still rending my garments over failed relationships from a decade ago. I seem to take those things harder than other people and can't seem to let go and say "oh well, so goes the world" and move on easily. To the questioner: I understand why you would feel strange, but maybe you shouldn't be so eager to feel pain. It blows.
posted by CunningLinguist at 3:55 AM on July 5, 2006
posted by CunningLinguist at 3:55 AM on July 5, 2006
ell I'll try to infer some hypothesis from what you write, but don't take me for a pro psycologist and constantly remember I am NOT here to judge you either negatively or positively or at all.
breaks up. Did you _feel_ saddended by that event ? Did you feel "bad" because you felt you lost something "good" ?
It's not relevant how BIG (in absolute value, if you dig math) you felt, it doesn't really matter at this point if you rolled on the floor crying or if you just felt bad in the stomach,like a punch, for a second. The relevance is in absence/presence of the feeling.
If you wish that, that seems to me you really felt the loss of the friendship and maybe you didn't like the fact he expressed he doesn't like you anymore. Why I say that ? Because one doesn't ordinarily want to feel hurt, so the fact you express the desire to "feel hurt" is the expression of your _desire_ not to lose the friendship. Do you "feel" that you would rather feel hurt then losing another friendship ( I don't mean hurt like you lost a limb) ?
The two things, knowing the fact and feeling the need are NOT mutually exclusive ; you can know the fact and feel the need , or maybe you know the fact but you don't really feel the need that _deeply_.
An example: you must know the sensation of thirst..you know it's a feeling, when you are hit by the feeling you don't stop rationalizing like "oh dear ! what is this curious sensation ? Maybe I will put some liquid in my mouth"..because the feeling is imperative, immediate. Yes you can control yourself and not drink, but the feeling isn't going anywhere unless you satisfy it by drinking.
Now consider this situation: you don't feel thirsty, yet you decide to and drink some beer. It's a deliberate decision not taken _because of_ a feeling..most probably you would take the beer because you like the taste and the feeling "tastilicious" it may give you, yet your decision wasn't commanded, ordered by an imperative need-feeling like that of thirst.
Sometime when you feel just a little bit thirsty (but not about to die!) you immediately seek some drink you like because you have learned that it tastes good ! So doubleplus good, it quelch thirst and tastes good !
Similarly, when interacting with people, you may feel a deep down need to have relationships with people , interact, not feeling alone, feeling loved, love somebody , just speak with somebody even if on the net. This feeling may be more or less strong, but it is usually present in most humans.
When interacting with the abovesaid girls, you may have enjoyed having sex with them, because it "feels good" and goddam it really feels super ! When interacting with friends, you may have felt "i am having a good time" and sure it is a good time !
Yet they may have detected in you an "emotional detachment" , maybe they felt "used" because you were (blisfully) unaware you were using them for the "fun part" , but when they come to you with problems you didn't react like "you cared" because you really didn't feel, you didn't sympathize.
Your intellectual honesty prevents you from faking a feeling, which is good because you may fool one for a while, but not forever by faking feelings..it shows ; also you know deep down it is NOT a good idea to initiate a relationship on fakely felt sentiments, because it is hardly satisfactory.
posted by elpapacito at 4:18 AM on July 5, 2006
Ive only become aware of this "problem" as the relationships come to an end.If I understand you correctly, you feel there is a "problem" with you only _after_ a relationship with somebody
breaks up. Did you _feel_ saddended by that event ? Did you feel "bad" because you felt you lost something "good" ?
It's not relevant how BIG (in absolute value, if you dig math) you felt, it doesn't really matter at this point if you rolled on the floor crying or if you just felt bad in the stomach,like a punch, for a second. The relevance is in absence/presence of the feeling.
I wish I could say I was hurt
If you wish that, that seems to me you really felt the loss of the friendship and maybe you didn't like the fact he expressed he doesn't like you anymore. Why I say that ? Because one doesn't ordinarily want to feel hurt, so the fact you express the desire to "feel hurt" is the expression of your _desire_ not to lose the friendship. Do you "feel" that you would rather feel hurt then losing another friendship ( I don't mean hurt like you lost a limb) ?
but I ended up asking tons of questions leaving him frustrated and liking me even lessI bet you either drowned him with rationalized question like "why you don't like me" or "i didn't change, it's me" or maybe you place only a few question and then secluded yourself in silence, not knowing what to say. Did you say "I am sorry" ? I mean "sorry" in the sense "I feel bad" not in the sense "excuse me".
I know that as a human, i require social interraction for my well being - and usually get it anon. over the internet.You know a fact, then human require social interaction. Do you know why ? I guess you would give me a series of sound and reasonable causes for this need. Yet are you seeking social interaction because you know "humans do that" (therefore I am human, therefore I need that, like human need water) or are you seeking social interaction because you feel a void, a sense of loneliness without interacting with some people ?
The two things, knowing the fact and feeling the need are NOT mutually exclusive ; you can know the fact and feel the need , or maybe you know the fact but you don't really feel the need that _deeply_.
Meat space relationships require a lot of energy so I usually only maintain 4 or 5 close friendships.That phrase suggests me you are seeking friendship because you know it's an human need , not because you feel in yourself a need to have friendship.
An example: you must know the sensation of thirst..you know it's a feeling, when you are hit by the feeling you don't stop rationalizing like "oh dear ! what is this curious sensation ? Maybe I will put some liquid in my mouth"..because the feeling is imperative, immediate. Yes you can control yourself and not drink, but the feeling isn't going anywhere unless you satisfy it by drinking.
Now consider this situation: you don't feel thirsty, yet you decide to and drink some beer. It's a deliberate decision not taken _because of_ a feeling..most probably you would take the beer because you like the taste and the feeling "tastilicious" it may give you, yet your decision wasn't commanded, ordered by an imperative need-feeling like that of thirst.
Sometime when you feel just a little bit thirsty (but not about to die!) you immediately seek some drink you like because you have learned that it tastes good ! So doubleplus good, it quelch thirst and tastes good !
Similarly, when interacting with people, you may feel a deep down need to have relationships with people , interact, not feeling alone, feeling loved, love somebody , just speak with somebody even if on the net. This feeling may be more or less strong, but it is usually present in most humans.
When interacting with the abovesaid girls, you may have enjoyed having sex with them, because it "feels good" and goddam it really feels super ! When interacting with friends, you may have felt "i am having a good time" and sure it is a good time !
Yet they may have detected in you an "emotional detachment" , maybe they felt "used" because you were (blisfully) unaware you were using them for the "fun part" , but when they come to you with problems you didn't react like "you cared" because you really didn't feel, you didn't sympathize.
Your intellectual honesty prevents you from faking a feeling, which is good because you may fool one for a while, but not forever by faking feelings..it shows ; also you know deep down it is NOT a good idea to initiate a relationship on fakely felt sentiments, because it is hardly satisfactory.
I know that as a human, i require social interraction for my well being - and usually get it anon. over the internet.That's part of the problem. I really can't tell you more about yourself, for the simple reason I am drawing conclusion from a message on the internet. That's HARDLY a way to know a person. Obviously one could spend one solid week chatting and draw some reasonable conclusion on your problems, but that would also need a videocamera and a REASON to stay thousand of kilometers away. So as far I can say, you could use a psycologist helping you understand yourself better, but not because you are "sick" but because you feel a legitimate desire to interact better with people and to feel better.
posted by elpapacito at 4:18 AM on July 5, 2006
Military Brats tend to move a lot during childhood and speak of the ease of making and loosing friends as a result. Third Culture Kids (TCKs) and Missionary Kids are in the same boat. There is a great documentary about it called Brats: Our Journey Home.
Anon: I'm not saying this is you, just showing what the others are talking about. For comparison, I've moved about once a year until recently and have no trouble making and loosing friends. The real test is about trust I think. There is a quote in that documentary from a brat about how she's comfortable talking about just about anything with anyone, and a lot of civilians equate that with trust, however brats don't. For us, trust means you've got our back when we are in need. Although it was comedy, Meet the Parents had it right when they spoke of the "Circle of Trust". I hated not finding that funny.
If it is the brat thing, or Aspergers, I don't know. I've wondered about both, but not all brats can have Aspergers so the answer is probably there. In trying to overcome it I came up with something to explain humanity as a system rather than some unknown. Your third paragraph ("meat space", etc.) makes me think you see yourself as outside the system. I know it is hard to be in it, but the effort is worth it if only for resolving the problems you are seeing.
IANAD... definitely go see one regardless of how you are thinking after this thread. Think of it as life insurance. Yes, it sucks, but is worth it when you need it.
posted by jwells at 5:27 AM on July 5, 2006
Anon: I'm not saying this is you, just showing what the others are talking about. For comparison, I've moved about once a year until recently and have no trouble making and loosing friends. The real test is about trust I think. There is a quote in that documentary from a brat about how she's comfortable talking about just about anything with anyone, and a lot of civilians equate that with trust, however brats don't. For us, trust means you've got our back when we are in need. Although it was comedy, Meet the Parents had it right when they spoke of the "Circle of Trust". I hated not finding that funny.
If it is the brat thing, or Aspergers, I don't know. I've wondered about both, but not all brats can have Aspergers so the answer is probably there. In trying to overcome it I came up with something to explain humanity as a system rather than some unknown. Your third paragraph ("meat space", etc.) makes me think you see yourself as outside the system. I know it is hard to be in it, but the effort is worth it if only for resolving the problems you are seeing.
IANAD... definitely go see one regardless of how you are thinking after this thread. Think of it as life insurance. Yes, it sucks, but is worth it when you need it.
posted by jwells at 5:27 AM on July 5, 2006
If this is troubling you go talk to someone about it, but I have to say that you actually sound like you're doing just fine. You've been in several long term relationships and are in love with someone now who you plan to marry. What's the problem?
posted by OmieWise at 6:50 AM on July 5, 2006
posted by OmieWise at 6:50 AM on July 5, 2006
Your post demonstrates you can think about yourself with considerable clarity. The answers here fall mainly into two groups: your ability to tolerate loss with relative equanimity is constitutional, or the result of traumatic life experiences. I would advise you to use your analytical abilities to decide where you fall along this spectrum by looking carefully at your life history and weighing it in the balance.
If you decide you are by nature immune to some feelings, you can compensate for this with your intellect; you can read books which will tell you how other people typically feel, how to recognize these feelings by their outward signs, and how to behave toward them to keep them from feeling you are some sort of pod person in their midst. This will make them and you much happier than the alternative. I think it's important to say here that there are plenty of other human beings out there who will love you even if they know your feelings do not run as deep as theirs. They will cherish you for your coolheadedness in crisis, they will seek your disinterested advice, they will be drawn to you by the prospect of a stable, calm, rational happiness, and they will value what they perceive as even-tempered loyalty. They will love you deeply because that is their nature.
If you think your coolness could be due to trauma, I think you should go into therapy. Buried traumas do not rest peacefully in their graves. They rise and walk and will wreak bloody havoc in your life and your potential wife's, and most especially in the lives of any children you may have.
posted by jamjam at 9:15 AM on July 5, 2006
If you decide you are by nature immune to some feelings, you can compensate for this with your intellect; you can read books which will tell you how other people typically feel, how to recognize these feelings by their outward signs, and how to behave toward them to keep them from feeling you are some sort of pod person in their midst. This will make them and you much happier than the alternative. I think it's important to say here that there are plenty of other human beings out there who will love you even if they know your feelings do not run as deep as theirs. They will cherish you for your coolheadedness in crisis, they will seek your disinterested advice, they will be drawn to you by the prospect of a stable, calm, rational happiness, and they will value what they perceive as even-tempered loyalty. They will love you deeply because that is their nature.
If you think your coolness could be due to trauma, I think you should go into therapy. Buried traumas do not rest peacefully in their graves. They rise and walk and will wreak bloody havoc in your life and your potential wife's, and most especially in the lives of any children you may have.
posted by jamjam at 9:15 AM on July 5, 2006
I had another thought about this, that kind of clarifies my original answer.
It seems to me that what you're describing is not so much an inability to attach, as an unusual degree of skill in the ability to detach when attachments come, for whatever reason, to an end.
The strength of an attachment is not necessarily related to the degree of difficulty a person has in coping when the attachment breaks; that's a romantic myth. The best way to gauge the strength of an attachment is to think about how far you would go to prevent the loss of that attachment.
For example, if you'd happily run into a burning building to save the life of your beloved, there's nothing wrong with your ability to attach. But if she left you for her own reasons, and you found yourself being able to cope with that faster than other people think is appropriate or even decent: well, sucks to other people! That's their issue.
If I'm right about this, I would expect you to be generally quite adept at dealing with life as it is, rather than as you might wish it would be; which would mean that you should also be able to dismiss fairly easily this worry about an "inability to attach", once you've given yourself permission to do so.
So if it's still bothering you in a couple months, I'm full of shit. But if it's not, you're likely fine, and you don't need to go out into the world seeking ways to acquire other people's mental illnesses :-)
posted by flabdablet at 4:48 PM on July 5, 2006
It seems to me that what you're describing is not so much an inability to attach, as an unusual degree of skill in the ability to detach when attachments come, for whatever reason, to an end.
The strength of an attachment is not necessarily related to the degree of difficulty a person has in coping when the attachment breaks; that's a romantic myth. The best way to gauge the strength of an attachment is to think about how far you would go to prevent the loss of that attachment.
For example, if you'd happily run into a burning building to save the life of your beloved, there's nothing wrong with your ability to attach. But if she left you for her own reasons, and you found yourself being able to cope with that faster than other people think is appropriate or even decent: well, sucks to other people! That's their issue.
If I'm right about this, I would expect you to be generally quite adept at dealing with life as it is, rather than as you might wish it would be; which would mean that you should also be able to dismiss fairly easily this worry about an "inability to attach", once you've given yourself permission to do so.
So if it's still bothering you in a couple months, I'm full of shit. But if it's not, you're likely fine, and you don't need to go out into the world seeking ways to acquire other people's mental illnesses :-)
posted by flabdablet at 4:48 PM on July 5, 2006
When I used to date men (I'm a woman) I could have written this post. Now I'm incredibly connected and attached to my wife. I had basically decided that I was just a bad person, and that was how I was. Not so, apparently.
Not saying this is what's going on for you. But your post rang so many bells, I wanted to put this out there.
posted by crabintheocean at 7:23 PM on July 5, 2006
Not saying this is what's going on for you. But your post rang so many bells, I wanted to put this out there.
posted by crabintheocean at 7:23 PM on July 5, 2006
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by Saucy Intruder at 7:57 PM on July 4, 2006