What should I give as a wedding gift for a very small after-wedding celebration, with only friends invited?

July 1, 2006 4:55 PM

What's an appropriate wedding gift for a friend (with whom I recently reacquainted) who decided to get married just 2 weeks ago and is having only a small party at her now-husband's house and not a reception?

A little more info:
This party is "friends only," and it does not in any way rise to the level of a wedding reception. There will be no family members attending. This marriage is the result of only 3 months of dating, and the couple is being married by the mayor. No one is invited to the ceremony.

Typically, I would give $150-200 at a wedding (w/my boyfriend as my guest), depending on my closeness with the parties. Also, I am a graduate student with no income. I'm wondering whether I should give around the same amount for the type of party I've described.

Any thoughts?

posted by orangeshoe to human relations (10 comments total)

If they know you're a grad student, and they're not throwing a vastly expensive reception, they'd be jerks not to find a $50 check a fine gift.
posted by MattD at 5:10 PM on July 1, 2006

A bottle of good wine to open on their first anniversary, with a nice pair of wineglasses?

I was recently (re-)married, and we've been living together for some time. Some of the coolest gifts were things that were not on our registry - a beautiful wine bucket with pineapples embossed all over, a wide bowl and matching pitcher from a local potter, some pretty hand-blocked napkins - stuff like that. Of course, I happen to *like* stuff like that - I love to have people over for dinner, or break out the good china for Chinese takeout. It might help to know a little more about your friend, although this may be understandably difficult if you've just re-acquainted.

I'm sure cash and checks are welcome, I just personally don't like to give that sort of thing as a gift, unless I know that the gift-ee is saving for something in particular.
posted by ersatzkat at 5:23 PM on July 1, 2006

I can't speak for your friends, and our upcoming (next week!) is somewhere between what you described and a traditional wedding -- but honestly I find the whole gift thing completely awkward. I'm getting presents because I'm getting married? What? Ok, sure.

Anyhow, the end result is that any gift at all seems "right". I suspect your friends are probably feeling similarly, so it'd be hard to go wrong.

That said, I'm not so sure a $50 check will go over as well as a $50 something-special-you-picked-out. If you can, pick out something that will spoil them a bit or that they will treasure -- good gifts are often the sort of things one wouldn't buy for oneself.
posted by mendel at 5:25 PM on July 1, 2006

According to the rules of etiquette, you do not need to give a wedding gift to a couple unless you actually attend their wedding. I'm sure you still will want to give them something (I would), but don't feel it has to be a big splashy gift (and even a wedding gift should only be what you are able to afford). You're basically just being invited to a party at their house. A bottle of wine or a $50 cheque will do just fine.
posted by orange swan at 6:42 PM on July 1, 2006

We have a bunch of friends that got married in City Hall/Vegas/on vacation/whatever and had parties of varying size after. In my experience, people who intentionally operate outside of the "traditional" wedding extravaganza are not expecting the the same level of obligatory gift-giving that goes along with all of that, and it really is the thought that counts. (Yeah, there's always the exceptions. I'm admittedly presuming that you friend has class.)

Money (I agree on the $50 figure) and a thoughtfully written card is fine and will be graciously received. If you want, add a small token like a pretty candle or a little box of really good chocolates.
posted by desuetude at 7:46 PM on July 1, 2006

I've always felt that the gift has nothing to do with going to or being invited to the wedding - traditions aside. It's something you do because you want to give the couple a gift to celebrate their wedding (I also don't subscribe to having to send a gift for a wedding that you were invited to but can't or won't attend - smacks of the couple trolling for gifts).

Just give what you would have given under the same circumstances that you find yourself (poor grad student). I personally wouldn't factor the wedding, or lack thereof, into the equation at all.

And I would say that cash for newlyweds is never tacky or not as special as a gift. New couples can always use cash - and unless you have the foresight or they've told you ahead of time, you probably won't get them something that they want more than the cash to buy it themselves. Just a thought.

Personally, in this case, I would drop off a bottle of wine and a check for the balance of the total amount you wanted to give them. Wine says you thought about it, check says you actually care.
posted by qwip at 8:45 PM on July 1, 2006

It doesn't matter at all where or how the wedding and party are arranged. Gifts are not payment for a dinner, and any suggestion they are (which you have not made, but I have heard elsewhere) taints the whole process of giving gifts.

I would also go for something smaller, something appropriate to your income. I'm a graduate student as well, and have many graduate student friends. I know that if my friend who was a student spent too much on my wedding present (and I have some friends who did), it would take some of the pleasure away from me - I was too worried about them spending too much.

I have to say this - the social pressure to spend too much money is hitting wedding guests as well as people. $150-200? That is a huge amount of money. I recently got married, and as we were leaving the country shortly after, we did receive a fair amount of cash instead of physical presents. It seemed that $100 was a standard amount, but while I did not blink an eye when some very well situated relatives gave us that much, it really bothered me and worried me when some of my student and younger friends did, when I knew they could not afford to. I was worried about them - and it made me feel under too heavy a burden from the present. I would have been happier if they had made me a card, or bought a nice simple cheap salad bowl, or (as some did) get together in a group and spent not as much money on some DVDs from a director I love. But the most important thing to me was that they were all able to come to my wedding and to have fun with me there.

Now, I know that Miss Manners would have me taken out and shot for making this post. One must NEVER talk about presents, or suggest any reaction to them other than charmed surprise. But frankly, you aren't the people who came to my wedding, and we (as a society) do need to talk about presents and customs. Bigger is not always better, and we shouldn't live in a world in which there are "minimum" present ideas, especially that don't even take into account the situation of the giver. It's like that gospel story - 2 pennies from a poor woman are worth more than a lot of money from a rich man, if she's given all she has.

If you really want to give something generous - offer a bit of time.
posted by jb at 3:52 AM on July 2, 2006

Poor ex-student here. Two ideas that won't (comparatively) break the bank:

- His and her massage package with a local spa.

- Chocolate of a fine pedigree.

Remember - gifts are tokens and reminders of events and relationships, not relationships themselves. If you end up spending less than more but you get something unique, it'll do the trick.
posted by mdonley at 4:38 AM on July 2, 2006

I also don't subscribe to having to send a gift for a wedding that you were invited to but can't or won't attend - smacks of the couple trolling for gifts

Etiquette agrees with you on this. You are not obligated to give the bride and groom a gift unless you actually attend the wedding.
posted by orange swan at 4:57 AM on July 2, 2006

You're actually not obligated to give the bride and groom a gift at all. Several advice columnists, including Miss Manners and Carolyn Hax (both of whom I read in the Washington Post), have railed against brides (and grooms, though it's usually the bride) holding guets hostage for gifts. Give what you can afford- anyone who would insult your gift for being cheap is utterly mannerless.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 6:37 PM on July 2, 2006 [1 favorite has favorites]