I can't come.

June 24, 2006 4:08 AM

I'm male, in my early twenties. Ever since I popped my cherry, I've had issues orgasming from sex. Condoms make this only a small fraction below impossible; without, it's still very likely I won't be able to come from sex.

Sex feels great, and I'm able to get up to a nice plateau, but then I just can't seem to get the rhythm down, or something. Times that I do orgasm, it takes a lot of work, and is extremely draining. The payoff, of course, is great. However, the partner's vagina usually gets sore before I'm able to get there. My penis is of average length, and a bit more than averge girth, and this issue has plagued me between seven different partners, of varying vaginal, personality, physical, and other qualities. The level of attraction has ranged from extreme casualness to full-on infatuation and love.

I masturbate between once and twice daily, typically, during the week. Weekends are sex time, and as result of the vaginal difficulties, we resort to a helping-handjob to take care of the frustration. Which by this point takes less than thirty seconds. Between all my partners I've had in the last five years or so, none have been frequent sex partners. The most would be once or twice a week. Is this simply an issue of not being in the 'getting laid all the time' routine? How normal is this?

posted by anonymous to human relations (22 comments total)

Try not masturbating for a while.
posted by SansPoint at 4:22 AM on June 24, 2006

It's not that unusual for men to have problems reaching orgasm. I would suggest making your masturbation technique absolutely as gentle as possible, and using lube. You need to train yourself to respond to less intense stimulation. Don't use porn, it'll affect your concentration on what you're doing.
posted by teleskiving at 4:28 AM on June 24, 2006

don't know if you're on any meds, but many common antidepressants cause anorgasmia
posted by gage at 4:48 AM on June 24, 2006

stop jerking it, and for the love of god try not to worry about this problem during sex. I had a similar problem a while back. Just couldnt shake the fear.

Then one night we both got tanked, and had crazy awesome sex. Since then it hasnt bothered me in slightest.

Try and be grateful for it as well. Nothing worse than finishing before she does.
posted by lemonfridge at 4:55 AM on June 24, 2006

lemonfridge writes "Try and be grateful for it as well. Nothing worse than finishing before she does."

Why? You've still got fingers and a tongue.
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 5:00 AM on June 24, 2006

Stop jerking off. Just don't do it. And have your partner go incredibly slowly...slowly...slowly, to build up the tension.
posted by Jimbob at 5:18 AM on June 24, 2006

It may not be the frequency of masturbation, but the technique.

Do you use the "fist of death" method? When you are sqeezing that hard, it's pretty much impossibly to find a vagina that can compare. Try a loose grip, abstaining from masturbation, or perhaps some kind of toy. Once you arent so used to the fist of death, you will likely see the results you are looking for.
posted by utsutsu at 6:21 AM on June 24, 2006

utsutsu knows of what he speaks: Stop beating it like it owes you money. For variety, try a reverse-grip or, if you're not pressed for time, the stranger.
posted by horsewithnoname at 7:29 AM on June 24, 2006 [1 favorite]

You've conditioned yourself to only come by hand, as it were. Also the fact that you're worried about the fact that you aren't coming is probably distracting you and preventing you from coming.

First off, there's nothing wrong with having lots of nice vaginal sex finished off with a handjob; it's not like that's some pale imitation of the real thing. So one course of action would be to just recognize that this isn't actually a problem, chill out and be happy with what sounds to be working out just fine for both of you. But if you're determined that the only true orgasm is one that happens inside a vagina, you're gonna need to go hands off for a while. At your age it probably won't take very long.
posted by ook at 8:51 AM on June 24, 2006

Do a google search for "delayed ejaculation." Just on the first page of hits, I find several sites that give credible-sounding recommendations and show how hugely common delayed ejaculation is.
posted by wryly at 10:17 AM on June 24, 2006

Look for a good sex counselor in your area (not just an M. D.) and get some advice. "Delayed ejacualtion" (also called "Retarded ejaculation") is far more common than is reported (After all, who in the locker room complains about having an erection for 'too long'?). There are numerous possible reasons -- and treatments.

This site might help (for US only) : http://www.aasect.org/directory.asp

Good Luck!

BTW, I believe someone, sometime in the future is probably going to link this condition to circumcision, but that information doesn't help you now (just think of your kids in the future).
posted by Surfurrus at 10:20 AM on June 24, 2006

Focus on enjoying the sex instead of trying to bring yourself to come. If you frequently pay a lot of attention to her needs instead of your needs during sex, switch it around a bit. When you're thrusting/otherwise being stimulated, put yourself in the mindset of having sex for you, not for her. You can take care of her needs before and/or after. You may be surprised at how well this works.

Previous posters are absolutely right about masturbating less frequently. In the remote chance that you haven't noticed, it is a lot easier to come when you haven't for the past several days.

YMMV, but being somewhat intoxicated (and having your partner somewhat intoxicated as well!) may help. Be careful, because apparently too much booze will be counterproductive.

If you can get your finger in her ass, you can also apply some downward pressure onto your penis. Be warned that this may be considered cheating for the purposes of this thread. 8)
posted by trevyn at 10:30 AM on June 24, 2006

Stop masturbating.
posted by oddman at 1:09 PM on June 24, 2006

It's the daily masturbating, stop it.
posted by evariste at 1:25 PM on June 24, 2006

Will...? Is that you...? Just kidding, man. I agree with the others focusing on the difference between a comparatively rough and tight fist and a comparativley soft and loose(r) muffin. Gots to adjust le technique, and also save up some juice for the weekends.

Say, while we're at it, anybody got any advice on this same condition, but with blowjobs? Feels amazing, yet no finish, no matter the skill of the young lass. And yet ye olde intercourse goes off like gangbusters. What gives?
posted by kookoobirdz at 1:54 PM on June 24, 2006

kookoobirdz: Could it be that you had a partner who was very opposed to the big finish? I've had several who weren't able to take one for the team, yet my neck would be nearly twisted off as they writhed in their orgasm....

I've been tempted to... woops, did I do that?... but I'm not sure I could handle the reprocussions... Guess I'll have to wait until she's comfortable.


Back to the issue for kookoobirdz & OP... maybe try some sort of bait-n-switch... It sounds as if most sex problems are only problems until the first time you overcome it... try the classic porn move, wait till you know you're gonna orgasm, and have her go down on you... Or the other way around and give it the glove but be ready to finish off inside....

What if she starts using her hands on you WHILST in the act? I can always tell when *she*'s worn out, she reaches down fondles a bit, and instant orgasm (I'm pretty sure she likes to know that she holds the power to make me orgasm in her hand[s])

Well.. Shared about enough for today, good luck!!

(p.s. notice nobody here has suggested the backdoor... I'm gonna go ahead and suggest not even thinking about it... you need to get used to a lighter touch)
posted by hatsix at 2:59 PM on June 24, 2006

My sources tell me that having sex from behind, with la femme bending over the side of an armchair, say, will produce very quick results. Something about the angle.
posted by greatgefilte at 3:03 PM on June 24, 2006

please, please don't forget the lube, for the lady's sake. Condoms can mess up internal lubrication. Astroglide, or any other water based lube, is your best bet.
And yeah, give the self pleasure a rest. (As umm.. hard as that may be, so to speak)
posted by defcom1 at 7:45 PM on June 24, 2006

what greatgefilte said....
posted by Deep Dish at 2:03 AM on June 25, 2006

Are you on antidepressant medication, an SSRI? If so that is most likely your problem. If not, are you drinking or taking drugs of some sort before having sex. Alcohol in particular, but also other drugs can have effects here.

Are you girthy? Girthy guys always have issues with condoms. They constrict so much as to deaden almost all sensation. If you are girthy try larger condoms. If not, try thinner condoms. Condoms with the swirled head are also better. If you are big, bigger is better than thinner. If you know of ones which are both bigger and thinner please post here.
posted by caddis at 6:41 AM on June 25, 2006

Masturbation has nothing to do with this. Its most likely psychological. Its always the stock answer to this question on the green. They've started to make real progress in dealing with these issues. See a therapist who specializes in sex issues. I can't tell you how important it is.
posted by Ironmouth at 2:36 PM on June 25, 2006

"Stop beating it like it owes you money"

hahahahahahaha I need to remember that.

About the condom, caddis is right, I never could use one without disconfort, until I jokely bought a "XL sized". Works like a charm, does not squeezes the poor little guy like others.

Oh, you can also try anal. Works fine for guys who spank the monkey too much and need a stronger hold.
posted by cardoso at 5:24 AM on June 26, 2006