Help me deal with my penis.

June 23, 2006 5:14 PM

How does one deal with being too well endowed?

I seem to be running into quite frequently being too big for the garage. I am in college (read: inexperienced, awkward) and seem to be running into the quite ironic problem of not being able to fit, or at least that's they claim. I thought I was being let down in a slow, ego-boosting way when girls would say, "It's too big, I can't do it", but this has happened too often for it to be that. Think of it more as trying to get it in then, "Oh no, not going to work," and the night ends in mutual disappointment and me having to explain that it is alright and it is not the first time has happened.

I do not know if this is inexperience on their part or if there's something I can do to help ease everything -- it is incredibly frusterating. So my question to women (or men who have found a solution): Does it actually hurt or is it all mental, i.e. I usually don't push it and just give up when they say it is too big, should I maybe say, "It's alright, after a little while you forget about the size." What about bringing along some lube, would that help dramatically? Really, any solutions at all? This is not an easy problem to google and everything I've read seems to be along the lines of, "Having a large penis is great, har har har." I'm not talking trying to be a player with random girls, but having casual sex with casual friends would be nice without spending two weeks getting accustomed to my size.

posted by anonymous to human relations (31 comments total)

"What about bringing along some lube, would that help dramatically?"

Yes. That's what it's for.
posted by mr_roboto at 5:23 PM on June 23, 2006

Well, the vagina is an incredibly elastic piece of muscle, there. I mean think about it -- if something roughly the size of a watermelon has to go through it, then something roughly the size of a banana (zucchini? cucumber? daikon???) must surely be able to fit.

Women I have known have never complained about girth so much as length. Some women find it rather uncomfortable when you bang against their cervix ("It's like I'm getting lots of little punches on the inside!"), while others like it -- different strokes for different folks.

Far more likely, IMHO (and I am not a woman), is that they are one or more of the following:

• Alarmed by the size, and subconsciously clenching their muscles down there. Look up vaginismus. It's similar (although that one's a chronic condition). I know many guys who have had this be an issue with a partner at some point in their life.
  
  Make a circle with your hand, connecting the tip of your thumb to those of your fingers. Insert your other thumb. Pretty easy, eh? Now try inserting that thumb into a clenched fist. Same sort of thing at play.
  
  
• Lack of lubrication can make inserting even a normal-sized member difficult and painful for a woman. This might even make her clench up *more*.
  
  
• She may have a shallow vagina. Just like our little bishops-in-turtlenecks vary in stature, so do vaginas vary in length. Average is actually only about four inches, which seems small comparatively, but then the penis sorta makes a boomerang shape during intercourse, and not all of it finds its way inside. Anyway...if the two of you are like Mutt and Jeff in the underpants, then she could have the "banging the cervix" issue.

I would suggest trying lube, and try a position that lets her have some control over the depth of insertion. Get her on top rather than doggy style. Or try spooning.
posted by kaseijin at 5:28 PM on June 23, 2006

More foreplay. A lot more. No, really, more than that. More than she thinks she needs to be ready for penetration, probably. Best if you just go ahead and make her come first, or at least get thisclose.

Yes to the lube. (Water-based, as to avoid giving her a yeast infection.)
posted by desuetude at 5:28 PM on June 23, 2006

Taking it slow is the most important thing you can do. You may have to work up to sex over a couple of sessions, just be sure to use everything else at your disposal in those sessions (i.e. hands, mouth, turkey baster). I dated one girl and it was the third time trying before she was up for it. From my experiences, given time, a woman can physically adjust over time. Also, use lube, just don't use any of the stuff that's spermicidal, it has
Nonoxynol-9 which can totally screw up the ladies vagina, causing a burning sensation that's not good at all. If you read the side effects it causes tiny abrasions, so go with water based stuff like astroglide. Also, lot's of foreplay is good as well and making sure the lady is comfortable as well. With foreplay and comfort (physical and emotional) comes muscle relaxation, making it easier to get in.
posted by andywolf at 5:38 PM on June 23, 2006

The page that will probably help you is the LPSG. My only other input is that I think if I was with a too-well-hung guy for some casual sex, I might just say "well I guess we're not fucking then" and find some other things to do. With a partner this is worth working on and figuring out over time, this may be too much work for a roll-around with someone fun. Also let me add that yes, it hurts if you're either too large, or too clumsy or especially both. There's stretching [not always bad] and then there's stretching too far [painful, sometimes suddenly]. Add to this that as soon as someone tells you to "relax" while you're having sex with them, it usually creates the opposite effect. So, I'd second what other folks say: use lube, go slow, let the gal pace herself, accept that you might not get all the way in, try other sexplay if the old in and out isn't going to happen.
posted by jessamyn at 5:47 PM on June 23, 2006

Speaking as someone that is fairly.... uh...... (tight), I can say with certainty DO NOT GET HER ON TOP.

Ow.

Yeah, it's easier for her to control how much of you is inside her, but sometimes, you guys like to hold us all the way down.

Double ow.

And then we don't feel like doing anything else because we feel totally beaten up.

Lube - YES. OMFG yes please. Lube will be your friend.

So will "Female Friendly" positions. The one that works for me - and him - is sort of a missionary/doggie hybrid. I'm on my stomach (hips only raised a couple of inches) and he's on top, holding himself up by his arms/hands. If my legs are together I feel all of the sensation, and only a small bit of the pain. Eventually, I can get to a point where my legs can be spread. From what I've heard guys say about positions like that, it's definitely not unpleasant.

Also... I know how hard it is to think in sexual situations, but try not to:

A) go full steam ahead

and / or

B) get all of you inside.

That'll also help her out.

So, let's review damnjezebel's hints: Lube. Better positions. Control your damn self and don't go barrelling into her until you're certain without a doubt that she can handle it.
posted by damnjezebel at 5:53 PM on June 23, 2006

Your new best friend. Also, go down. It may not address your problem directly, but reciprocity is great, and it's something else for you two to do.

I think kaseijin nailed it, but there's something to be said on the point of everyone being inexperienced in college. Frankly, starting college, very few people, male or female, start with any real sexual experience. I don't know of a tidy way to say this, but basically, with use, the garage can expand to accommodate larger cars. When I say "with use," I don't mean "15 minutes later," I mean weeks or months later.

This is what makes your situation so hard to address--it's not as if there's one girl that you're going to work with over time, you want one solution that can be applied to any given girl, and I'm not sure there is one.
posted by Brian James at 5:54 PM on June 23, 2006

Cosmo magazine often (like, every month) has "Top sex positions!!!" articles, and from what I remember, they almost always address this issue. It might be worth flipping through some women's magazines for advice.
posted by occhiblu at 5:58 PM on June 23, 2006

Warning: these are not flippant comments. I am entirely serious.

Date older, friskier, *erm* more experienced women. If you're gay or bi, learn to bottom.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 6:08 PM on June 23, 2006

It sounds like it isn't just a problem that lube can solve, but that you need some help convincing women to not be "scared" of your penis.

Some ideas:

- perhaps try to have the lights out so she doesn't see how big it is (and then use the lube -- this is a great piece of advice that nearly everyone has already mentioned.)

- try to convince your ladyfriend(s) that you're normal and all their previous partners' must be abnormally small (?)

- don't make a big deal about it at all (again*LUBE*again)

- when something DOES work, take a mental note. do some research on different position

- go into porn?
posted by k8t at 6:26 PM on June 23, 2006

Does it actually hurt or is it all mental, i.e. I usually don't push it and just give up when they say it is too big, should I maybe say, "It's alright, after a little while you forget about the size."

Yes. It does hurt. You are trying to shove something big into a small, sensitive hole. If you have a monster dick there is probably mental action going on there, but yeah, there is real physical pain. And saying "It's alright, you'll forget about the size"? Jesus, man! Jesus!

A friend of mine has a friend who, well, he uses Trojan Magnums. The friend-of-friend stated when he and his girlfriend first started having sex, she basically cried for the first month.

You need lube, you need to take it really, really, really slow, and you gotta let her control the action. And it still may not work--if you're that much of an outlier, you'll to find a lady who's used to working with that size equipment for a successful one-night stand.

On preview: What everyone else said.
posted by schroedinger at 6:28 PM on June 23, 2006

Oh, and since we don't know if this is a width or length problem...

length: Don't go all the way in... simple as that. Try going in a bit deeper every time (occasion) that you're with her.

width: Make sure that she is SOPPING wet before you're inside of her. As others have mentioned, lube works. Personally I find lube too chemical-ly. Natural is best. Perfect your oral sex technique.
posted by k8t at 6:29 PM on June 23, 2006

You can get little portable lube containers. I live by the stuff (water based, always).

Ditto what damnjezebel said, that works for this situation. Make sure that she's lying down with her hips up just a little. Might need to be up quite a bit to start but then let her lie down.

And go sloooow. Hitting the cervix brings things to a instant screaming stop.
posted by intermod at 7:03 PM on June 23, 2006

Seymore Butts sells a Not Too Deep Donut. If you're problem is length you slide this on the base (PLUS LUBE) and then she can't go too far down. They seem to be made out of the same material that dildos are so they should be soft for both of you.

If the issue is girth, just go slower. If it looks like a tree trunk and she's just as inexperienced as you are I could see her freaking out...to echo everyone else, more foreplay, yes to lube, and just let it happen. For a more detailed set of instructions, in all that foreplay..when you think you're getting ready for the main event put in one finger, then work up to two, then three...get her to the point that she is begging for another and then you know it's go time.

A word to the get and orgasm or two in her first advice, this is great advice, but you might not want to slam it in right after she cums, as, at least for me, i seal up tighter than ever right after I get off so you'll probably have to work her back open after the orgasm.

Good luck. If you're looking for more detailed advice on positions and all of that, feel free to email me. eatpaste at gmail dot com. I am blessed with a fairly tight and shallow vagina so I have the other end of your problem.
posted by nadawi at 7:58 PM on June 23, 2006

Hey, it's a good problem to have - you will eventually meet girls who love it. I lost my virginity to someone who used Trojan Magnums and learnt very quickly how to handle it. (And I think of these days very fondly.) Lube is important, and her comfort level is important. If she's even vaguely not into it, or nervous, it's not going to happen if you're that big.

What helped me enormously was finding the perfect position to start fucking in (and it remains a favorite to this day). Have her lie on her back and you on top like missonary position. But have her place her feet on your shoulders - may sound a little difficult, but you don't need to be very flexible to do this. Her body is now in a position for you to not risk slamming into her cervix, and she can guide you in and out how she likes it with her feet. And then you're in and you can go from there. Have fun!
posted by meerkatty at 8:09 PM on June 23, 2006

What everyone else said about the foreplay. Definitely work on your oral skills - don't rely on what you've seen in pornos for instruction. Nothing worse than having your clit bitch-slapped to death by the dreaded "porno tongue". Ask her to tell you what feels good. Once you've gained some confidence in your oral skills, try switching back and forth between very light, teasing penetration and oral sex. This can be a good way to get her relaxed, lubricated and ready for deeper penetration. Take your time.

A large penis on a very skilled man is a glorious thing. A large penis on an unskilled man can be a nightmare.
posted by echolalia67 at 8:26 PM on June 23, 2006

take your time. Lots of foreplay lots . Oral sex for both of you lots. Don't be afraid to spend an entire evening fooling around in the nude with your partner.
posted by singingfish at 9:31 PM on June 23, 2006

As people have already mentioned, go down on the lady first. I had a boyfriend who was just massive. It was really rather obscene. I mean good for him and all, but jeez. Eventually we learned that after he'd gone down on me, not only was I loosened up enough, there was plenty of lubrication so when he'd stick it in it was actually enjoyable for both of us.

As far as going in the caboose, I can't help you. That's a one way street for me, and that one way is out. But lube is always a good idea.
posted by macadamiaranch at 9:44 PM on June 23, 2006

whoa! who said anything about the caboose?
posted by nadawi at 10:48 PM on June 23, 2006 [1 favorite]

What about bringing along some lube, would that help dramatically?

I would recommend going silicone-based. Many people find that the water based lubes dry up and go sticky almost immediately. This will be especially important as penetration is definitely going to take a while. People talking about yeast infections are talking about glycerin which should not be in a silicone-based lube. The only disadvantages are that it takes a bit more washing off than water-based and it can't be used with silicone sex toys.

Secondly, you need to be as relaxed as possible, this will really help her to relax and stop "clenching". I mean really concentrate on letting all of the tension out of your muscles (except what you need to keep you in place!).

Thirdly, feeling loved and cared for is also an important component of being ready for sex for many women. Maybe you will find this less of a problem with a serious girlfriend.
posted by teleskiving at 3:41 AM on June 24, 2006

desuetude writes "(Water-based, as to avoid giving her a yeast infection.)"

Secondary concern. Water-based, so as not to degrade the condoms you are obviously using.
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 5:03 AM on June 24, 2006

my wife and I had a similar problem for a while. Much good advice has been offered so far. As an addition, here's a position that really helped us.

Man lays on his side in sort of z shape. Woman lays on her back in front of him and tosses her legs over his legs. Everything should be lined up at that point and you can figure out the rest. For some reason, that made it much easier to start. From there you can roll or twist into any position you want.
posted by milarepa at 5:26 AM on June 24, 2006

Can we get some actual numbers here? Top of the penis to the tip when fully erect, AND girth (circumference) at the base and tip.

I'm long and medium, which is different from short and fat, which is different from long and fat. I had a girl friend who said she'd been with a guy "who was like a Coke can," and though she tried, she couldn't do it.

Also, try dating older women, especially those who've had children. Not sure if bigger women = bigger vaginas, but there's always that too...
posted by rleamon at 7:48 AM on June 24, 2006

Assuming you are not just picking up ladies at the bar or something along those lines, and you have time to develop something with them before it gets to the nitty gritty, then remember that foreplay is a 24/7 thing. Just casual affectionate touching on the arm, a lot of hugging and kissing, and small things like that when you are not in sexual situations will make you more attractive to you lady, and make her more physically comfortable accepting you.

When it gets down to it just take your time don't be in a hurry to get to penetration, take longer then you would normally do so making out with your clothes on and with the subsequent steps, like fingering and oral sex. From my own experience this is the best way to turn "ow! too deep" into her waking you up in the middle of the night to go again.

So just relax, take your time, and pay attention to what you do,
posted by BobbyDigital at 7:51 AM on June 24, 2006

Yes, women can get used to it, and yes, we do give birth so our vaginas are very elastic.

But yes, it also does hurt. Ever witness childbirth? Ever notice the screaming? Just because we can do it doesn't mean it's pleasant.

I think that giving your partner a lot of control over the pace of the situation would go a long way in making her feel more comfortable and willing to try new things. And remember that she is going through some discomfort for your benefit.

Just go slow, and remember the lube. It'll be ok.
posted by christinetheslp at 8:22 AM on June 24, 2006

nth the water based lube. Lots of it.

One or two orgasms for her before you even *think* about getting in there. More blood to her genitals = more ease of penetration for you. Also, it'll be hot when she's begging for you.

I used to date a guy that was extremely large. Second the idea of the position with her feet on your shoulders.
posted by gaspode at 10:02 AM on June 24, 2006

I nth the suggestion of at least one girl orgasm + lots of finger attention + lube if necessary. And if the girls says, "No", then by all means STOP - don't hassle her about it. That would make you an asshole.
posted by muddgirl at 11:46 AM on June 24, 2006

Speaking from the other side, here's how we worked it: (Obviously, this was a girth problem, not so much a length one.)

(a) Finger fucking is your friend. Get her off that way first as best you can, accomodating as many fingers as you can according to how much she's opening up. (This is where the "middle finger" gesture comes in life...) When you can fit three fingers in, or however much approximates to your dick, move on.

(b) Here's where the lube bit comes in. But let me warn you that lube is NOT always a miracle worker. You could pour in an entire bottle and it won't always fix a soreness issue.

(c) "Slow and gentle" entry did not work. He pretty much had to uh, hold me down ram and his way in and we just had to be used to the fact that it'd hurt for a few seconds. (The holding me down part was because my body knew the next part was gonna hurt and I kept jumping away. I finally had to tell him to do that because otherwise we weren't getting anywhere.)

(d) Once that was done, the actual sex went just lovely, thank you. The main issue was entry.

(e) Afterwards, I highly recommend Vaseline for the lady, with frequent applications until the post-coital soreness goes away. Or if that wigs you out, aloe vera gelly works well as both lube and as a soother. And you might not plan on getting it on with her again for a day or two if she's sore.

(Yes, I know you're not supposed to put Vaseline Up There, but I swear nothing else worked for me. nearly as well. I am also not prone to southernly infections, so take that with a grain of salt.)

But bottom line is, it takes awhile for a girl's body to accomodate to stretching. You may do better with long-term relationships than with one-nighters, sorry. Hell, it took me six long months of nookie before this entire production I wrote down wasn't so necessary any more.

Good luck. (I cannot believe I wrote this stuff in this detail on the internets for all to see. But hey, if I can help someone else's sex life...:)
posted by jenfullmoon at 10:26 PM on June 24, 2006

There's been loads of good advice so far, so I'll just chip in with the flippant observation that nobody has snickered over the [more inside] tag - especially in this situation where there clearly *isn't* "more inside"... what's wrong with y'all? :)
posted by Chunder at 3:11 AM on June 25, 2006

Oh good lord vaseline NO. No disrespect meant, jenfullmoon, but dude, be careful about what substances you tell her to put up in there, because vaseline could cause all manner of unpleasantness that you do NOT want to get into. Completely aside from the fact that it eats latex.
posted by jennyjenny at 2:04 PM on June 25, 2006

no, big girls do not always have big vaginas, nor do small girls always have small vaginas. why do people think that?

get her on top so she can control things.

i would not suggest the 'feet on your shoulders' position because that just gives you a better angle to go even deeper, which is not what you want early on.

doggie style might be okay because then you can SEE how far you're going in.
posted by misanthropicsarah at 1:34 PM on June 29, 2006