Put the vinyl chairs away

June 6, 2006 5:42 PM

Have you ever been to an orgy?

This thread on "Eyes Wide Shut" put me in mind of a personal obsession, driving past big places out in the country with gates and long roads, and wondering what's going on inside those places. Have you ever attended a orgy? Was it a secret orgy, something along the lines of that seen (or partially seen if you're in North America) in the film? Was your identity concealed? Was there a password? What was the orgy like? Did you have a blast, or were you the shy one? Would you do it again? And again?

And, in the interests of this not being strictly chatfilter, what lessons (if any) did you draw from your orgy(ing)?

posted by stinkycheese to human relations (24 comments total)

HOWTO: Hosting an Orgy.
posted by ChasFile at 5:44 PM on June 6, 2006

No : (
posted by notcostello at 5:53 PM on June 6, 2006

I've been to an orgy or two, they're fun, in a really seedy kind of way. All of them took place in fairly palatial dwellings in middle eastern countries, so I really don't know about North America. I've been to a few parties in continental Europe that involved a lot of drugs and eventually spiralled into what were effectively orgies.
Most of the time though, those houses at the ends of those long windy roads are used for unspeakably boring dinners. For every balls-out cocaine fuelled fuck-fest, there are thousands of gatherings of horrid aristocrats waffling on about empty trivialities.
For all the social conservatism of the middle east, The things that go on behind closed doors in Dubai are way crazier than what I've seen in Europe or England. Possibly this is because there's less need to be circumspect, the press there will do what they're told.

I think the primary lessons that I drew from orgies are:
-Don't do it if you're in a relationship. Not even if you both go, rarely are both partners equally ok with it.
-People think that telling the world about their exciting sex life will make them seem cool, it usually just makes them look kind of dorky.
posted by atrazine at 5:58 PM on June 6, 2006

1. Yes.
2. No.
3. No.
4. No.
5. Like a regular party with some nudity, some closed doors, some open doors, stale finger food.
6. Shy at first, then less so.
7. Did it again.
8. And again.
9. There are some ugly naked folks, some not-so-ugly naked folks; it's hard to talk to naked people; I'd rather watch The Sopranos; I like hot tubs; Halloween is a bad time for a house party; I will never be surprised at anything anyone does ever again, including myself.

(Caveat: Single females are hot ticket items at these things. I am female and was single.)
posted by Corky at 6:01 PM on June 6, 2006

A girl I used to date (a MeFite!) went to a few ... swingers parties, for lack of a better term. I never attended. However, just clarifying that they do exist. And yes, there was a password but no, identities were not concealed. (And there was no backwards priest latin talk.) She went to more than one but less than ... five or so, if I remember correctly.
posted by dobbs at 6:07 PM on June 6, 2006

There are also play parties, which may or may not count as orgies, depending on your definition. Some have lots of nudity and lots of sex. An increasing number don't — people show up to hit or tie or humiliate each other in public, and then some of them go home to screw in private.

In my experience, they're surprisingly — but comfortingly — mundane. Just a bunch of hobbyists, enjoying their hobby together. The stale finger food Corky mentions seems to be universal.
posted by nebulawindphone at 6:14 PM on June 6, 2006

I've never been to one, but a friend's ex-- whom I loathed for other reasons-- used to organize orgies pretty regularly. I think they take a lot of confidence to attend. This guy was pretty brutal when an "ugly guy" came to the door, and he would tell off people he didn't want to sleep with, often in front of a room full of people.

Actually hearing about it and the mudane details like lining sheets with plastic, pretty much killed any fantasies I ever entertained. It all sounded kind of catty and narcissistic, not the liberating free for all I thought about has a horny teenage boy.
posted by gesamtkunstwerk at 6:47 PM on June 6, 2006

I was invited once, didn't attend. The crowd consisted mostly of overweight middle-aged wiccans. I've heard that this is depressingly common.

And no, there were no passwords or anything. If you knew them, you were invited, and that was pretty much that.
posted by Afroblanco at 7:19 PM on June 6, 2006

I went to one several months ago. It was thrown by a nice, friendly couple who I met after quite some time poking around in sleezier parts of the interweb, looking for interesting sexual related things. They took the time to meet up before hand with everyone who was coming and chat for a while; very carefully set out ground rules; insured there was a 50-50 gender balanced did what they could to set a funny, friendly atmosphere and then stepped back to let things happen.

It was an interesting experience. It wasn't mindblowing. For a single guy (I came with a "date" (everyone had to come with a date to keep the balance 50-50) but, you know, I didn't come with a date, if you'll pardon me..) it was definitely the experience of being on the bottom rung of the ladder. I had some fun encounters, but the whole thing was a little too... disjointed for my taste. Maybe if there was a chance of meeting some of those people again and developing a rapport it would have been different.
posted by slipperywhenwet at 7:20 PM on June 6, 2006

Answer to your last question: an orgy is essentially the same experience as a poker tournament, a high school dance, or a kid's baseball game. It is possible to go into the event simply wanting to have a little fun, and then you have a little fun. But if you go into it with the idea you have something to prove, you're most likely going to be miserable. There is going to be at least one person there that everyone in the room wants, and the odds are that person is not going to be you. So even if you make it with the Universally Desired, you still end up thinking, "How come I only got to have the UD, and not be the UD?"

My experience is that the etiquette of these events requires a good deal of posturing, in other words, you are expected to behave in a "sexy" manner (think porn acting) and not, for example, to discuss gardening or current events.

Not trying to spoil anybody's fun here, but an orgy tends to be a big buildup followed by mild to moderate disappointment -- this caused by the "prove something" effect mentioned above.
posted by La Cieca at 8:06 PM on June 6, 2006

I accidentally walked into an orgy at burningman a few years ago. My younger brother and a friend who had a crush on me (but who I had no interest in at all) were directly behind me.

My reaction?

Gee, it's dark. What's all that moving stuff. Oh! It's people! Naked people! Orgy! Run Away!

I have some friends in an open marriage who actually host invitation orgies all the time. This is in Minneapolis. From what they've told me about the whole thing, it doesn't sound that seedy. They've got a big house, and it starts out with ordinary people eating hors d'oerves, talking, etc., then people break off into couples or groups and start making out, etc.

These friends of mine are pretty anti-drug, and I'm fairly sure they wouldn't tolerate drugs in their home at all. They're light drinkers, and I know they serve drinks. But they, at least, don't get wasted.

People get invited by going to talks advertised in the City Pages about sex, S&M, body modification, polyamory, swingerdom, etc., and by talking non-skeevily to other folks. When they meet my friends and hit it off, things progress. I think livejournal communities also play a role.

I don't know about the appearance of most of the folks at their orgies, but my friends are hot, and the folks they've dated outside their marriage have also been generally attractive and normal seeming, except the whole sex thing. My friends are college educated professionals in their mid 20s. Both have done modeling.

It sounds like certain groups are scared of bi males, though, despite all the purported openness and glorification of bisexual females.

They're not my thing -- I'm a happy monogamist -- but I always love hearing about them.
posted by croutonsupafreak at 9:12 PM on June 6, 2006

yup

The parties in the Comfort Inn ballroom were strictly R-rated, but upstairs on the entire floors reserved for the weekend, the rooms were pretty much open door.

No secret meetings, no concealed identities (except at the Halloween parties), no password (just a dues receipt), and like any other party, the fun is what you make of it.
posted by mischief at 9:53 PM on June 6, 2006

These friends of mine are pretty anti-drug, and I'm fairly sure they wouldn't tolerate drugs in their home at all. They're light drinkers, and I know they serve drinks. But they, at least, don't get wasted.

Wow, an orgy with no booze sounds kinda terrible :P
posted by delmoi at 10:00 PM on June 6, 2006

ace of hearts

Isn't this basically an orgy albeit open to any dues paying member of the public?
posted by yodelingisfun at 10:03 PM on June 6, 2006

Few years ago in my twenties I was in Vegas for a bachelor party; which happened to be in the same hotel as the Lifestyles Convention. Wild stuff. From what I understand they are never allowed back in the Tropicana.

I'm pretty open to anything--and we did partake--but that was a bit much.
posted by vaportrail at 10:36 PM on June 6, 2006

http://www.feverparties.com/ are open to heterosexual couples and single women aged 18-40 who can pay the fee and pass the photo test. Identities aren't concealed, but mobile phones are a no-no.

And the booze is included.
posted by goo at 12:28 AM on June 7, 2006

Only orgies I ever participated in were of the semi-spontaneous sort. I found I did not like it, as I like total control over who touches me! Threesomes, however, are simply grand.
posted by Goofyy at 1:29 AM on June 7, 2006

Have you ever attended a orgy? Was it a secret orgy, something along the lines of that seen (or partially seen if you're in North America) in the film? Was your identity concealed? Was there a password? What was the orgy like? Did you have a blast, or were you the shy one? Would you do it again? And again?

Yep, although the ones I've attended were somewhere between the BDSM 'play parties' mentioned above and all-out fuckfests - there wasn't the faintly embarrassing fear of actual sex that often goes hand-in-hand with the more socially inept, hobbyist side of the BDSM crowd, and neither was there the aforementioned ugly middle-aged element in any great numbers. I'm aware of how rare a thing this was, and how lucky I was to be invited.

The parties were very secret and private, as far as I know (and bear in mind I'm being sort of circumspect with the details here, since I wouldn't want to share anything too specific). There actually was a password, I think (it's a while ago, but I'm pretty sure the person I was with gave one) - there was an intentional pseudo-high-society vibe around at least one of the things (masquerade and so on), and a pretty strict fetish dress code in all cases. My identity certainly started out concealed by a little half-mask thing, but not for reasons of privacy so much as atmosphere, I think. It got discarded within minutes, anyway.

In terms of what it was actually like... it was held in a nightclub borrowed/rented for the occasion. It was kept pretty dark with artful use of spotlights. They had music playing - I think it was pretty quiet at first and got louder, and the lights more strobey and intense, as things hotted up. They'd set up tables with wine and condoms, and various bits of restraint equipment all over the place, and what I assume were the club's sofas covered with black vinyl sheets. I'd guess there were upwards of thirty people there, and everyone just sort of milled and chatted, then paired/grouped up and either made use of the equipment or the sofa things. A few of the scenes people were doing attracted an audience, too, some of whom were getting busy themselves. The attendees were very much geared toward the reasonably young, experienced and attractive, and had been (I think) invited on that basis - I think, to be invited, I had to be vouched for by someone who knew the organisers and introduced to them in person before the event.

Did I have a blast? Hell fuck yes. Some of the hottest, most intense experiences of my life. Getting seriously dressed up, then the anticipation of being led to the venue by the girlfriend who invited me, feeling desired by everyone in the room, then getting tied up and fucked up by lots of sexy strangers in unpredictable situations, in a setting that felt safe enough for me to let loose but dangerous enough to be exciting, left me with a glow (and bruises) that lasted days every time.

I went to three of these particular events over the course of a couple of years, and I'd have definitely gone to more if I hadn't moved away from the area and lost touch with a lot of the people. I must admit, though, even if I were still in the market for group-sex adventures I feel like these events might have spoiled less exotic house-parties or whatever for me. I certainly wouldn't be interested in something based around just sex - without the various fetish elements and the utter gender-neutrality, I can see group sex getting boring, to be honest.
posted by terpsichoria at 1:31 AM on June 7, 2006

As I said in the EWS thread: yeah, kind of. But these events were more along the lines of very fancy nightclubs which were quite tricky to get an invite to, and where lots of people were having sex publically. So in terms of the film, there were lots of preposterous outfits, but no sinister rituals that I was aware of.

I don't really remember that much about them, as drugs were a huge part of those nights and I was only 16 or 17 at the time (which made some of the sex completely illegal, come to think of it).

If I learned anything, it's that this sort of thing is something I'm glad to have experienced, didn't especially enjoy and am not really all that interested in ever doing again (that pretty much sums up my current view of my teenage years, actually!) I was more there for the drugs in a glamorous setting than the shagging anyway, if I'm honest.
posted by Pock Suppet at 2:17 AM on June 7, 2006

Not intentionally.
After my friend's sister got married, my friend, myself and another pal went to the post-reception for the wedding party (the bride and groom's house where everyone was staying, even though the bride and groom had gone off on their honeymoon). My pals and I, being underage, were drinking heavily on the porch. We came back inside shitfaced, and went to get our coats from the bedroom. In there were about 15 people fucking. We felt a little silly, and obviously hadn't been invited to that portion of the evening. We got our coats and went back outside to drink away the image of a bunch of chubby Texans rutting.
posted by klangklangston at 7:51 AM on June 7, 2006

Well, there was this time in college when everyone was taking turns telling sexy stories in the dark and the lucky folks who had someone were pretty obviously enjoying themselves more than the unlucky folks. That was a weird vibe. I'm not sure it counts.

Oh, and once when I was in community college, at the cafeteria some of us were hanging out when this guidance counselor began putting the moves on a hot blonde chick, saying he and his wife would like her to join them sometime. There was this mutual glance around the table and everyone else jumped up and left all at once, except me, because I was dumb, and one of my friends had to sort of whack me on the shoulder.

And there was also a science prof who declared that campus life had become "boring" and word went out that he was hosting one, but you have to have an invite, either from him or certain people like his TAs. Mostly science majors got in, thus. I knew a few people who went but they claimed they were sworn to secrecy; the only story I heard was that there was some sort of orgy King and Queen elected and it had something to do with physical attributes or ability.

I do happen to know a guy who hosts orgies, though. It's actually a side business of his. Basically he promotes himself by word of mouth. When he goes to clubs he spends his time handing out business cards to all the hot-looking women. Then he and his wife interview people, because he doesn't want fatties or freaks (or drug users, or bi males, and some other litmus stuff I'm sure he hasn't copped to). Then people pay him a fee (I've forgotten, I think it was something like $100-200 per couple, less for single females, more for single males), and they show up at his condo, and there's food and alcohol and music like most parties, except everyone eventually gets naked.

He once tried to mix his friends and his "friends" at a party. It was pretty obvious which group people belonged to, and after some perfunctory socializing, we all gravitated into our respective groups and spent the rest of the evening that way. The non-orgy people were fun and real and interesting; the orgy people were solicitous and fake and creepy.

Now, I've known queer and poly people over the years, so it wasn't that. I think it was the fact that it was basically a business to him and his customers paid for certain privileges. It wasn't about fun or friendship. Also, I knew that his wife basically didn't want to do it but was going along to get along.
posted by dhartung at 7:31 PM on June 7, 2006

One time at band camp....
posted by Doohickie at 9:36 PM on June 7, 2006

Then he and his wife interview people, because he doesn't want fatties or freaks (or drug users, or bi males, and some other litmus stuff I'm sure he hasn't copped to).

I know it's just some guy you know, not you, but that is really fucking bigoted.
posted by croutonsupafreak at 9:51 PM on June 7, 2006 [1 favorite]

True, but the appreciation of inner beauty is probably not the primary objective of an orgy goer.
posted by Optamystic at 5:13 AM on June 8, 2006