Help me help you!

June 6, 2006 7:22 PM

My older sister, let's call her Tanya, has been hospitalized with diverticulitis in St. Louis since last Monday and is supposed to be getting out of the hospital this Thursday....

Initially, she didn't tell anyone about it and we only found out when her boss called my mother a few days after she had been in the hospital. My sister is very much the independent type. She is a single mother with two young children. This whole ordeal has put my family in a tizzy because in late January, we lost another sister -- Mona -- unexpectedly due to some kind of brain hemorrhage. Needless to say we're prone to overreacting a little bit.

Let me first say that I come from a very large family. I have 5 brothers and 6 sisters and I'm the youngest. My mother's first reaction, and admittedly mine and few other siblings as well, was to pack her and her kids up and move her home to Texas. She has been struggling for years in St. Louis, working long hours, trying to raise her kids and it's obviously having a very bad effect on her. This is her 3rd hospitalization in the past 4 years. To us this was the straw that broke the camel's back.

After a couple days, we've calmed down and my other sister -- Sandra -- and I decided that we would go down to St. Louis and help her out when she gets out of the hospital since she has some kind of feeding tube and she wouldn't be 100%. The initial rough plan was that Sandra would stay for a few days, mom would stay for a few days and then I would stay for a few days. Well, reality set in. Sandra and I have been talking a lot with Tanya and our mother and really the only two people out of our whole family that can do any kind of travelling are me & Sandra. Mom is in her mid seventies with a bad knee and sketchy equilibrium. Dad is pretty much in the same boat. Everyone else is pretty much useless. Sandra has three kids of her own and can't even go for more than 3 days. Me, I'm a small business owner who is in charge of all of IT, and this is probably one of the more tenuous times for me to leave, not to mention the fact that for me to travel to St. Louis would cost over $700 from where I live (and that's if I am willing to make 2-3 stops along the way - each way).

Anyway, last night I was talking about the whole situation with Sandra and I suggested that we fly Tanya and her two kids to Dallas to stay with Sandra for the two weeks that she would be out of work and recuperating. She'll be able to chill, her kids can run around with their cousins and mom would be able to see her. I did a quick check and we could fly all three of them to Dallas for what it would cost me to fly to St. Louis. Sandra calls Tanya and Tanya isn't really hearing it and I don't understand why. It seems to me that she wants help, but only how she wants it and I can certainly understand wanting to recuperate in your own home. It's a completely new thing for Tanya to ask for assistance because she is so independent and probably is the most responsible and hardest worker of all my siblings so I don't have any allusions about this not being a big deal for her, but I wish she would be a little less stubborn.

I don't know what to do. Sandra & I are going to try like crazy to convince her to go to Dallas for two weeks but what if she says no? If she does, do I just pack my laptop and go to St. Louis and try to make it work even though it's going to be really rough for me? Do I not go and try not to feel guilty because Tanya isn't willing to compromise? How do I get through to such a stubborn person?

I don't want her to feel like we're ditching her, but it's like "Damn woman, give a little! Help me, help you!!!!"

posted by anonymous to human relations (18 comments total)

The first thing you should do is look at what hospital system she is in. The BJC's (Barnes Jewish Christian) have had legendary staph infection problems - killing NFL announcers and political big wigs with abandon.

This matters a lot, and your sister can't better from whatever ails her if she gets a hospital based staph infection.

Maybe a good reason to move her closer to home all by itself?
posted by Jos Bleau at 7:42 PM on June 6, 2006

please confirm to Matt that these sibling names are fabrications, anonymous.
posted by mwhybark at 7:50 PM on June 6, 2006

Maybe you can fly the kids out to your sister's and hire a nurse or careworker to help Tanya?

Even better, if she's that responsible and hard-working, maybe she has ideas of her own about what makes sense for her own life.

Really, you can't force a grown woman to leave her home just because it's more convenient for you, regardless of how much better you think it will be for her. You can, of course, do what's best for you, whether that's going out to St Louis or not.

I know it's frustrating. I went through something similar with my father recently, and I felt guilty that he ended up with hired help, but it would have killed him to rely on his kids when he needed to bathe or go to the bathroom. So we let him make the decision about how to proceed, and it worked out fine. Not the way I would have chosen to do things, maybe, but fine.
posted by occhiblu at 7:50 PM on June 6, 2006

First, does *she* have a plan? Maybe talking that through logically could make you both feel better -- you'll be listening to her.

Second, is whatever she's planning best for her kids? Making sure they're safe, that their Mom is going to be around for their entire childhood, and that she's going to continue to be strong and healthy? Maybe putting it in those terms will make it easier for her.

Make sure it's clear to her that she, and especially her children, *are* your family's responsibility. Nobody would live as long as we all do without relying on each other.

Can just the kids come to stay with your other sister? It might be easier for her that way -- as long as "Tanya" has friends of her own in St. Louis so she doesn't get too lonely.

Maybe you could try to organize her friends, church, whatever in St. Louis, remotely, before the surgery, so you know she's covered even if you can't be there?
posted by amtho at 8:15 PM on June 6, 2006

Being a guest in someone's home, even a sibling's, brings a certain amount of stress. Stress is not conducive to healing. I really don't blame her for not wanting to pack up her kids and fly far from home when she's not feeling well. If you really want to help, go to her. Even if you can only stay a few days, those few good days at home will probably do more for her health than being camped out for weeks on someone else's sofa.
posted by jrossi4r at 8:22 PM on June 6, 2006

You really should be asking her. If she's all that independent, I'm sure she's bristling at the fact that you're figuring out where's she's supposed to recuperate without asking her what she wants, which is probably just making her dig her heels in even harder.

She clearly wants some independence and doesn't want to uproot her life and her children any more than she already has by this hospitalization. Maybe you guys could pool your money together and pay someone (a neighbor of hers, or a nurse) to come over a few times a day to help her out with cooking & stuff.

Either way, you should really talk to her about what she wants before you start the ball rolling on anything.
posted by stefanie at 8:36 PM on June 6, 2006

If she does come stay in TX, will it actually be relaxing? Or will there be even more kids running around than usual, none of her favorite things around, too much noise (or too much quiet)? Will she actually be able to do what she wants if she comes to stay with the family? Or will she have the additional stress of being unable to escape parental/sibling lectures of some kind?
posted by amtho at 8:46 PM on June 6, 2006

Do people in post-op really feel well enough to travel?? Just because she's getting out of the hospital doesn't mean she's ready to get on a plane.

Sandra & I are going to try like crazy to convince her to go to Dallas for two weeks but what if she says no? If she does, do I just pack my laptop and go to St. Louis and try to make it work even though it's going to be really rough for me?

I would let it drop, after making sure it's clear that she's really welcome to go to Dallas. A lot of people initially refuse these sorts of invitations because they don't want to be a burden. So make sure she knows she would not be a burden, you guys really want to have her. And you're within your sibling rights to call her all the time, and tell her how much you're worrying about her, is there anything you can do for her, etc.

If you can't go to St. Louis, then don't go. But definitely don't go with the attitude that your sister is making things really tough for you. Better if you're not there at all. There is some really good advice in this thread already about ways to help from long distance, which could help alleviate your guilt.
posted by overanxious ducksqueezer at 8:55 PM on June 6, 2006

She's a grown up. Don't make decisions without her. She may not like your ideas. The very idea of posting something on an internet message board rather than asking the person you're talking about makes me bristle at my own not-quite-as-large family's presumptious.
posted by croutonsupafreak at 9:17 PM on June 6, 2006

If you need a place to crash, when in the 'Lou, my email's in the profile. Sounds like a crappy situation all around.
posted by notsnot at 9:28 PM on June 6, 2006

If I were her, I'd already feel embarrassed enough about the problems that have likely stemmed from severe lower intestinal tract illness, plus the turmoil caused by repeated hospitalizations in the face of existent financial problems, that I wouldn't want to be moved into the clutches of a well-meaning but potentially controlling large family. She's already suffered a loss of control—when you're in the hospital, your choices are often extremely circumscribed. She's already suffered embarrassment—as I mentioned, these kind of illnesses have a high embarrassment factor. And travel brings in a whole new set of anxieties when what she really needs is to relax and recover.

There's always the chance that something might to wrong with travel—flight could cause complications with fresh, healing surgical incisions, for instance. Or her flight there/back might get held up, prompting the airline to ask her for money up front for a new ticket, or even making her several days late returning to work. Further, her children may have things they need to take part in—is their school over for the semester? Are they involved with summer activities, or do they have plans with friends? There's a lot to consider.

And for someone who values her independence, this is exactly what she probably doesn't want to happen—to become financially and emotionally dependent upon the family, even if it's only for a couple weeks. The fact that she's struggling so hard to make things work in St. Louis means she has a real desire to be there, for whatever reason. That reason could be that she doesn't want to feel suffocated by the presence of a large family, or wants to successfully make it on her own for her own pride or sense of well-being, or doesn't like the situation in Texas for some other reason, or has an interest in remaining in St. Louis long-term and wants to "make or break things" there, or has a support network in place there that you're not taking into account. There could be a lot of things that would make her balk at leaving.

You have the best of intentions in wanting to help her, but maybe she just doesn't want to be helped in the way that you want to help.
posted by limeonaire at 9:41 PM on June 6, 2006

Yeah frankly, while your concern is heartwarming, I'm not sure I understand why the whole family is so up in arms. While raising kids and getting by is never easy, and harder after a hospitalization, it seems like Tanya isn't doing all that poorly (or at least you've failed to describe where she's having difficulty). And it doesn't sound like she's asking for your help. From the way you describe things, I'd imagine she probably won't think you're ditching her.

You leave out a lot of important details. Did she have surgery? Is her health otherwise compromised? How old is she and her children? Is she physically unable to take care of them or herself, and how so? You know, diverticulitis is usually not profoundly debilitating once it's treated appropriately unless there are complications.

Offer to help. If she declines, stop beating yourself up about it unless you have good reason to believe that her health or that of her children is truly in jeopardy without your intervention.
posted by drpynchon at 10:04 PM on June 6, 2006

She has been struggling for years in St. Louis, working long hours, trying to raise her kids and it's obviously having a very bad effect on her. This is her 3rd hospitalization in the past 4 years. To us this was the straw that broke the camel's back.

Also, I believe you may be assuming too much when you imply that her continued medical problems stem from her stress level and difficulties making ends meet, and that this is something she has contributed to. The two things may very well be entirely unrelated. Unless you have evidence to the contrary—e.g. you know she's flouted doctor's orders regarding diet or amounts of rest or something, which served to worsen her condition—my guess would be that her unfortunate illness is something that's almost certainly beyond her control. If you're asking her to come stay with you in a way that implies that you think she isn't taking it easy enough, or that she is in some way responsible for the progression of her illness, that may well be part of the problem.

Just putting it out there...
posted by limeonaire at 11:03 PM on June 6, 2006 [1 favorite has favorites]

And "struggling" is relative. Is this the way she views it or the way you view it?
posted by limeonaire at 11:07 PM on June 6, 2006

You're a good sister. You want to help. The most helpful thing, by far, that you can do is to listen. This doesn't even mean "obey". Just listen with both ears and an open mind. Stop talking and just let her say whatever she needs to say, or listen to her say nothing at all if she prefers it. You may find that simply giving her someone to confide in -- or vent at -- is a huge relief for her.

But frankly, whatever you do, try to get the whole family to back off a bit. It's good that you're aware of your family's tendency to be somewhat overbearing. Keep reminding yourselves of how even minor stressors have felt an order of magnitude more overwhelming during times when you were sick or vulnerable. Tanya is both. So by backing way off on the planning/discussing/hovering/love-bombing, you will (as counter-intuitive as this may feel) be giving her a valued gift.

There are plenty of ways to back off without leaving her feeling "ditched". For instance, you could send her a little card or email* every day or two, so she knows that her loved ones are still thinking of her and that they remain available to lend more support whenever she asks for it it. Otherwise, unless you have serious reason to believe that she is incapable of taking care of her own life and kids, respect and honor the choices of this grown woman and loving mother.

* Not a phone call. Talking requires energy, moreso if she feels obliged to keep up "her end" of the conversation, or fend off more well-intentioned conspiracies to seize control of her life, or put on a dog-and-pony show to reassure jittery relatives that everything's A-OK. She needs it all for recuperation.

Finally: consider the possibility that it's not necessarily a catastrophe if she really does need help yet turns it down from family. Maybe the reason she prefers to stay put is that she's got a support network to tap locally. You don't know her circumstances; she does.
posted by nakedcodemonkey at 11:16 PM on June 6, 2006

I would be deeply irritated if family members insisted on coming to me, or insisted I go elsewhere to take care of me when I'm sick. If I wanted somebody to take care of me, I'd ask. The last thing I want when I'm sick is somebody hovering over me.

Now, if somebody offered to take care of the kids, though... well, if I were that sick, I'd feel guilty about being a less-than-stellar parent while recovering and I might just take you up on the offer to take the kids for a week or so to visit family.

Why don't you offer to take her kids on a vacation for a couple of weeks? Then she can stay at home and recover on her own, with her privacy and independence intact, in her own home, without worrying about making dinner for the kids, etc., etc..? Then everybody's happy- you get to help, she gets to recover on her own- win/win.
posted by headspace at 5:48 AM on June 7, 2006

who's been taking care of the kids while she's been in the hospital? ... it's obvious to me that she's got some kind of local support network and some things worked out for herself

her coming to dallas may be more than she can deal with right now ... and there's the issue of her being able to deal with doctors who know her history and are familiar with her case ... if complications set in, does she really want to deal with a whole new set of medical people?

i think her reasons for wanting to stay put are probably valid ... you and sandra should do what you're capable of doing and let her sort out the rest ... she sounds like the kind of person who's capable of doing that
posted by pyramid termite at 9:38 AM on June 7, 2006

Offering to take the kids for a couple of weeks sounds like the best way to help her recover. Then she doesn't have to worry about them, and can focus on herself.
posted by cass at 9:45 AM on June 7, 2006