Can a 46 year old female survive a move to the left coast?

May 29, 2006 6:15 PM

Culture shock, loneliness or a whole new adventure? I am considering a move from Central New Jersey to Thousand Oaks , California for a great job opportunity. I am a divorced 46 year old female. My mother and one brother live within 2 hours of the new location. My boyfriend and I broke up 2 months ago, I have lived in NJ for decades, I have long time friends here, prefer intellectual versus athletic pursuits, like witty sarcasm, and worry that it is difficult to make friends at this age/stage. Wondering if that is a deal breaker (I am quite shy). Any advice, thoughts on the culture out there?
posted by artemis to human relations (23 comments total)

I live and work in the area so if you have any specific questions you can find my email in my profile.
posted by sideshow at 6:34 PM on May 29, 2006

Hey, you can always move back if you don't like it.
posted by trevyn at 6:34 PM on May 29, 2006

Depends on what they job is, I'd say. Is the extra money worth it, so you can indulge in more travel, for example, or is it the kind of job where you'll be able to meet people? Is the job so good it's worth giving up your east coast friends?

I don't know anything about Central NJ or Thousand Oaks, so take this for what it's worth, but I get the impression that the left coast has a more superficial vibe than the east. Even if I, a relatively young male, were to make the move, I'd be lonely for a while, so you definitely should be prepared for some of that, but it's not something that would stop me.

I have known several women your age and older who've divorced or lost their husband through some other means and who fit your description. I usually find my friends in the company of witty and successful gay men, for some reason, so that's something to think about.
posted by Mr. Gunn at 6:53 PM on May 29, 2006

thousand oaks is a bit of a cultural wasteland. it consists of strip malls and sterile surburban developments, and i think it would be difficult to make friends there. what it really has going for it is natural beauty, but you say you're not so interested in athletic pursuits. i'd be cautious if i were you... definitely visit before you make a decision. that should give you a sense of whether you could deal with it or not. good luck.
posted by tabulem at 6:57 PM on May 29, 2006

Making a major change is a sizzling way to to wake up one's life. It requires is couragem an open spirit of adventure and of course, the realism to expect some rocky edges, The regional change fro NJ to So.Cal are profound but not a deal killer. East vs. west sensibilites (including senses of humour) exist; some are obvious, others more subtle but it sounds like a great opportunity to try something new and possibly very positive for your life.
Just try to remember that moving itself is a drag and it does take time to settle in and feel at home again.
And... even if you choose not to go, you will have exercised some important mental muscle in making the decision and having options is such a fortunate position.
posted by lois1950 at 7:05 PM on May 29, 2006

To make a gross generalization, it's hard to make friends with Californians. We're really friendly but that's as far as it goes... sometimes for years. You have a network already so you might do alright, but be just be prepared to be without deep and real relationships for a long time.

This is interpreted as flaky or superficial but really it's just a different culture, (and getting all judgemental about it is unproductive and annoying to the natives).

I haven't lived in NJ so I don't know if it's the same. It's really not the same in the midwest.
posted by small_ruminant at 7:44 PM on May 29, 2006

thousand oaks is a bit of a cultural wasteland. it consists of strip malls and sterile surburban developments, and i think it would be difficult to make friends there.

haha, so not at all different from central new jersey.
posted by larva at 8:24 PM on May 29, 2006

Thousand Oaks is probably a lot like central Jersey, stripmalls and suburban, with much nicer weather.
46 is the new 36, I say go for it.
posted by BillBishop at 8:26 PM on May 29, 2006

Thousand Oaks is not quite a cultural wasteland -- but fairly close. The TO Civic Arts Plaza has various music, theatre and dance events. But its nowhere near the level you will find in Los Angeles proper. A lot of younger families with kids there, perhaps a bit older demographic in next-door Westlake Village. Thousand Oaks IS a dining wasteland. Chains as far as the eye can see. Its bad.

When I moved there, I thought "hey, I'll just drive into LA when I need (anything)" but it never really worked out like that, at least during the week. I lasted around a year and moved back to the city (I would have moved back sooner if it wasnt for a lease!).

And being in LA might not be a bad option for you. Anything you might want (theatre, LA philharmonic, art studios etc) is there, or at least closer; it might just be hard to find a neighborhood that both suits you and isnt "against traffic" going to TO.

I still work in TO, but live on the Westside of LA. 50 minutes commute in the morning, 60-100 mins return in the evening. Its not that bad, for LA. Housing costs more in a "good area" of LA (especially the westside), but TO isnt cheap by any means.
posted by Spurious Packets at 8:46 PM on May 29, 2006

I lived in Thousand Oaks for a couple of years, and the thing I liked best about it was its proximity to other things: Los Angeles, the ocean, the Santa Monica Mountains (which don't really seem like mountains to a person from the Pacific Northwest, but they're beautiful, so never mind). Southern California has a lot to offer, but hardly any of it is in Thousand Oaks, although my wife and I did find several little restaurants in our neighborhood that we liked a lot.

I think small_ruminant has a point, and I think maybe that's because a lot of people living out here are from someplace else. Our families aren't here, we don't have the connections that we had back home, so the place never quite feels like home.

I've lived in Southern California for about three years (so obviously I'm no expert on the place, and you should take the above with a grain of salt). I like a lot of the people I know here, and I get a huge kick out of several of my co-workers, but I don't think I'd consider any of them good friends.
posted by diddlegnome at 8:47 PM on May 29, 2006

You can make friends with transplanted Easterners, perhaps. This is a very hard decision of course, but, if you are set up there with a job, and you have family there, then make the move. The weather will be fabulous, all kinds of sun, and these days intellectual life is more broadly distributed than ever. Join some book clubs, become a regular at the library, volunteer at an arts organization, you will find like minded, like souled people if you look -- and they are least likely to be cheerfully distant for years. The place may look like a wasteland of malls, but too many people associate the physical fabric of a town with what is going on there and who is living there. Youn only need 5 people in the whole town to be close friends.. Live on whatever side of town which is closer to your family -- 2 hours is right on the margin of "its a long way".
posted by Rumple at 9:53 PM on May 29, 2006

I went to T.O Junior High, and I've seen that it's changed and grown since then, when I've passed through--but not terribly much. I don't see why you'd have to live in Thousand Jokes (as we used to call it, so maturely)--do you mind a little commute? No one else in that neck of the world does, after all.

Most of T.O. is very suburban: big chunks of it are little to medium sized houses on curving streets, cul-de-sacs here and there, kids on bikes, and lots and lots of cars. Oh and a hell of a mall. Yeesh. The town is sometimes pretty and sometimes plain. That's fine but I would imagine that's a set-up to being lonely.

So: Culture shock, loneliness or an adventure? I imagine it'd be all three--you sound like the sort of person that could make it an adventure, because this array of emotional outcomes is most entirely within your control. (It's hardest when that night comes when you think, oh God, here I am at 9 p.m. at home with no one to see and nothing to do and you eat something terrible from the freezer and fall asleep on the couch.)

But if you work at it--and it is work, particularly for us shy people--before you know it, you'll have forgotten how hard it was when you moved there.
posted by RJ Reynolds at 9:55 PM on May 29, 2006

I just moved to North Hollywood, which is about 30 miles from Thousand Oaks.

Go for it. The weather is great, you're minutes from the beach, and you can drive 30 minutes to get to LA. This place (SoCal) has culture coming out its ears, tons of stuff to do. The only limit is your budget and your willingness to get out and do stuff, but for the love of pete, get out here and check the place out. You only live once.
posted by mullingitover at 11:27 PM on May 29, 2006

I vote that you should go for it, because opportunities like this don't come up every day, and you can always move back if you don't like it. Sounds like now would be a great time for a move, and CA would be a good place with family nearby. I moved to CA from the UK 7 years ago, and I don't regret it one bit - I believe its good for the mind to move around and get some fresh perspectives on life.

Will it be hard to make new friends? It's always hard, no matter how old you are. California is full of transplants who are friendly, so I don't think its any worse than anywhere else in the US. Just be prepared to find ways to meet people, its all part of the same philosophy you have to adopt when making a long-distance move - being open to new experiences and being willing to try new stuff.

Thousand Oaks is a great place for families (its super-suburban) and may or may not suit you, depending on your living tastes. You could move to somewhere in the valley and have a reasonable commute to Thousand Oaks (I think you'd be going against the flow of traffic, but I've never driven up there in the mornings), and also be within reasonable striking distance of some more cultural stuff in LA.
posted by Joh at 11:59 PM on May 29, 2006

Nobody has offered much about making new friends after a move. I personally have moved several times, and always have found some great people when I settled into a new church. It takes some experimentation, patience, and something of an open mind, but once I found "the right place for me", I found a great group of people. I too am initially quite shy. Good luck.
posted by webtom at 3:35 AM on May 30, 2006

I have to say that it's pretty hard to make friends when you pick up and move so far. Making acquaintances is easy, sure, but it takes some time and luck to make new friends.

Go visit. Decide what's more important, the job or your life where you live now. Go with your gut. And whichever decision you make, don't let anyone make you feel bad about it, because you'll probably get some grief from your friends and family either way.
posted by desuetude at 6:32 AM on May 30, 2006

It's really hard to make new friends if you're over 30 regardless of where you live, in my opinion.
posted by craniac at 7:28 AM on May 30, 2006

Absolutely go for it -- you'll wonder later how you could have had any doubts.
posted by Rash at 8:00 AM on May 30, 2006

Huh. I think that It's really hard to make new friends if you're over 30 is baloney any way you slice it...

artemis, if I were you I would look online at local (TO) community centers, community colleges, and places like the library and see if there are fun classes, book clubs, historic neighborhood walks, or anything like that that sounds appealing. One of the best ways to make new friends is to meet people who share common interests, and even if you don't meet the most amazing people in those places, when you do meet interesting folks you'll have a whole bunch of cool stuff to share with them.
posted by oneirodynia at 9:45 AM on May 30, 2006

I lived in Thousand Oaks for several years. It's a quiet bedroom community for the most part. However, as mentioned upthread, you're within fairly close driving distance of lots of places: LA, San Fernando Valley, Santa Barbara, Zuma Beach, Malibu, etc. are all fairly close.

TO is in the Conejo Valley. That's a link to the Wiki article which links to TO and the other towns in the Valley.

I was in my early to late twenties when I lived there and enjoyed it. But then, I'm not a person who looks for the "hot" spots.
posted by deborah at 10:27 AM on May 30, 2006

prefer intellectual versus athletic pursuits

I never saw the appeal of doing much outdoorsy stuff until I moved to Northern California (after living in Boston & Washington DC most of my adult life). It's just simply so beautiful here that I want to be out in it.

Southern California's obviously got a different landscape, and it may not be one that appeals to you on the visceral level like Northern California does to me, but it's something to consider -- whether or not you like "the outdoors" may depend on what that outdoors looks like.
posted by occhiblu at 10:42 AM on May 30, 2006

Give it a try, I love Thousand Oaks (and Southern California in general, I have lived all around the area). The weather and scenery are fabulous here.

The T.O. dining may be a wasteland but there are enough good restaurants to get by. Plus you are sort of halfway between Los Angeles and Santa Barbara. Also T.O. is consistantly ranked in the top 10 for lowest crime.
posted by jockc at 11:25 AM on May 30, 2006

Thanks so much for all the wonderful (and often funny) advice. I am doing a videoconference interview on Thursday as step three in the process - don't even get a free trip to CA! So we shall see, all of this angst might be for nothing but it does make one think and think and think and question and question and.......................................
posted by artemis at 5:30 PM on May 30, 2006