It all comes down to cooties

May 28, 2006 5:50 AM

Who gets to share food and drinks with your child - from the same cup or spoon?

I've upset a member of my extended family by telling her I didn't want her to feed my daughter off her own spoon anymore. It's coming up to winter here, so I'm wary of colds and flus, but I also think it's kinda gross.

I feel there are a bunch of common germs to a household, but outside of that household there are different ones to be a bit more wary of - even if the people from outside the house are family. Am I being irrational by asking people who live outside of our household to use a seperate utensil and seperate food? (like not taking turn-about with spoonsfull of yoghurt with a toddler)

posted by anonymous to human relations (33 comments total)

No. You're not being unreasonable. And I wouldn't want to test how likely it is to tranmit oral herpes this way, either.
posted by bim at 5:57 AM on May 28, 2006

Indeed, the first thing that came to my mind was oral herpes. Don't worry about offending other adults, keep your child safe.
posted by bilabial at 6:09 AM on May 28, 2006

Most people are going to get oral herpes eventually, but why subject a toddler or child to it sooner than necessary? Plus, family and friends are supposed to teach children manners by example. So you could even just say, "I don't want to confuse my daughter- she's too young to learn how to tell the difference between who she can share cups and utensils with and who she can't." (I think it's really only okay for spouses to share, and they should try to do it discreetly.)
posted by overanxious ducksqueezer at 6:29 AM on May 28, 2006

actually it is more likely for adults to catch illnesses from children than vice versa.
posted by MonkeySaltedNuts at 6:41 AM on May 28, 2006

The person who's getting upset is the one with the problem, unless it's a grandparent. Grandparents are a force of nature in your child's life, and you have to give them more leeway. Your family, friends, coworkers and the universe at large will all tell you that your parenting is all wrong. Listen politely, assess their opinion, and feel free to ignore it or implement it.

I agree with you about not letting a lot of people share germs. I have all sorts of rules for my child that are different than my family's rules. They piss and moan about it, but I stick to my guns. Some of the rules are standard, like my inflexibility on seatbelts Others are subjective, like not allowing my child to have guns, except water pistols. Didn't stop him from making guns out of Legos or sticks, but it sure didn't cause harm. The issues will get more difficult, not less, so be as charming as you can while standing your ground.
posted by theora55 at 6:46 AM on May 28, 2006

Isn't there something that says it's actually a good idea to expose a child to enough varying (minor) germs and antigens in order to build up the immune system?

I know people who were brought up with leaving food outside, eating it hours later, eating with hands, and all sorts of traits we'd now call 'icky', but it didn't seem to do them any harm.
posted by wackybrit at 7:14 AM on May 28, 2006

Yes - "too much cleanliness may be making some people sick"
posted by mediaddict at 7:19 AM on May 28, 2006

The more you "protect" a kid from exposure to minor childhood illness the more sickly they will grow up to be. Eventually they'll go out to the real world and have no immune system and spend half their time out of action due to illness.

Over-protection from germs is also suspected as a cause of allergies such as the deadly peanut allergy.
posted by TheOnlyCoolTim at 7:28 AM on May 28, 2006

Me and Mom. That's it.
posted by WinnipegDragon at 7:39 AM on May 28, 2006

Whether you're being irrational or not, you're the mother, and you make the decisions. If someone wants to be upset about it, I'm sure they'll get over it in time. Sure, whispering that you're such a germophobe that you won't even let little Pooky share an ice cream, but so what? You're the mom; you're not doing something harmful, so screw 'em.
posted by headspace at 7:41 AM on May 28, 2006

I used to find it really gross when my (good) friend would bite a piece of an apple and give it to my daughter. The bites and spoons of my friend are probably one of the cleaner things she puts in her mouth nowadays (what to think about toys from other children that she found in the sand in the playground...).

Unless your child is really young and fragile, I do not think you have to worry about sharing yogurt with family members and it may even be good for him/her (see also here).
posted by davar at 7:46 AM on May 28, 2006

I by no means suggested over protection from germs. I firmly believe the kids should be able to eat all the dog food and dirt they can handle, provided the dog isn't using that dirt as a toilet.

Having oral herpes does not strengthen a child, immune system or otherwise. It causes pain and embarassment.
posted by bilabial at 7:49 AM on May 28, 2006

Over-protection from germs is also suspected as a cause of allergies such as the deadly peanut allergy.

Actually, the cause of peanut allergies seems to be related to early exposure to peanut products and, of all things, soy based milk products for infants. Link.
posted by [insert clever name here] at 7:50 AM on May 28, 2006

The only thing I'd worry about was, as others have mentioned, oral herpes. Toddlers and young kids get it worse than adults, so although she is quite likely to get it one day, the later she gets it the better. That said, I know someone who got it as a toddler from their mother.

Other than that, sharing with someone who isn't actually sick at the time isn't a problem. As for the kind of thing mediaaddict and others mention, I've heard it as well, including hearing it from medical doctors.
posted by teem at 7:55 AM on May 28, 2006

Everybody, including bums in the park. I am building up their immunities. When the rest of you germ-fearing, hand-sanitizing, mouth-covering, using-a-paper-towel-to-open-the-public-restroom-door types are six feet underground from some new super epidemic, me and my brood of epidemiologically-hardened super humans will rule.
posted by LarryC at 8:02 AM on May 28, 2006

Funny, I don't find it as unhygenic as I do creepy.

There's a strange intimacy that comes from feeding off your spoon (when there are other spoons available) that makes me all grossed out when a more distant relative does it than, say a mother out of necessity.

If you're looking to build an argument against it you've got germs (whether valid or not, you can still use 'em to your advantage), but you've also got the learning thing. You want toddlers to learn to be independent and to be wary of sharing utensils. And your distant relative doesn't want to screw your kid up, does he/she?
posted by Gucky at 8:03 AM on May 28, 2006

By the way: I do agree with those that say that you should not worry about the reactions of others. There will always be people who disagree with some part of your parenting. My parents get to share spoons with my child, but they are not to give her meat or sugar. That's my choice, and they'll get used to it.

to [insert clever name here]: There is also some evidence that those extreme sensitivities to lotions etc. as described in the article you linked to are so severe because we are so peanut phobic that something like peanut oil in a lotion is completely strange to our immune system. a seven-year, U.S.-financed study that will expose infants to peanuts. It's based on research showing that children who eat peanuts at an early age are less likely to develop peanut allergies. (source)
posted by davar at 8:04 AM on May 28, 2006

Be realistic. That spoon is probably one of the cleanest things your daughter is putting in her mouth. Kids put all sorts of nasty, unclean things in their mouth and most of them make it out alright. Really, how often do you hear about kids falling victim to some germ contracted through shared spoons? Yeah, you're being irrational and also pretty rude. If you're going to screen your daughter's untensils at least come up with a better excuse than germs.
posted by nixerman at 8:23 AM on May 28, 2006

Gucky:And your distant relative doesn't want to screw your kid up, does he/she?.
Anonymous does not say it is a distant relative. People who let their toddlers share spoons do not screw up their children.
posted by davar at 8:31 AM on May 28, 2006

I really have to disagree with people who are saying that you are being over protective.

There is a huge difference between environmental bacteria, pollen, and other organic particles and human pathogens. In general those studies that correlate immune deficiencies with exposure to "dirt" are not referring to human pathogens, with the exception of some parasites. Restricting who could stick a spoon in their mother and then stick it in the child's mouth is very reasonable and just common sense. Your child will not benefit from exposure to CMV, HPV, herpes virus and the litany of other nasty things that can be transmitted through saliva.

As far as the "too clean" syndrome others are referring to, open the windows, get a dog, and let your child play in the dirt. Don't let people stick their saliva in your child's mouth.
posted by 517 at 8:40 AM on May 28, 2006

mother=mouth
posted by 517 at 8:41 AM on May 28, 2006

Am I being irrational by asking people who live outside of our household to use a seperate utensil...

I don't know anyone personally who would even consider doing otherwise — so no, it's not irrational. The replies in this thread seem mostly concerned with whether it's harmful to overprotect children, which is an irrelevant discussion that you haven't given enough information to begin. Put it this way: When you go to a restaurant and share a dessert, the waiter brings two spoons, right? Because he assumes you're not going to share one piece of silverware, because no one does, because it's fucking weird and gross.
posted by cribcage at 9:18 AM on May 28, 2006

Except there is a benefit to being exposed to CMV, if the child is a girl.
posted by TheOnlyCoolTim at 10:03 AM on May 28, 2006

This seems like the sort of thing you should have the right to decide about your kid. Regardless of whether it's rational, if you don't want your toddler sharing a spoon, then your relatives should respect it.
posted by martinX's bellbottoms at 10:28 AM on May 28, 2006

Also, Epstein-Barr virus (that which causes mononucleosis, along with HCMV) in another enevitable infection that both can be passed by saliva and better to contract when you are young (you only mono if you get EBV as a teenager or older).

Still, it does strike me as kind of disgusting.
posted by The Bishop of Turkey at 12:55 PM on May 28, 2006

I neither think it's disgusting nor harmful to share utensils.

But it is intimate, and if you feel like relatives take it past your level of comfort, than tell 'em to quit it.

(I think it's a normal to share a spoon to give someone a taste, but a bit odd to share for an entire serving.)
posted by desuetude at 1:04 PM on May 28, 2006

TheOnlyCoolTim: were you referring to pre-infection before pregnancy to prevent infection during pregnancy?

If so it would be pretty sketchy to argue it as a benefit, but I guess it could be.
posted by 517 at 1:40 PM on May 28, 2006

I think if you asked them not to do it, that should be enough. It's your child.
posted by empath at 1:43 PM on May 28, 2006

I've never allowed sharing of spoons and the like in my house because I read once that the germs that cause cavities can be spread from an old person to a child that way. I don't know if that is true. But my kids are grown and they don't have cavities. So I will probably keep that rule for grandchildren.

I'm with the "don't let your kids grow up in a sterile enviroment" camp. For everything else. Except for the cavity germ.

Plus it is gross.
posted by cda at 4:26 PM on May 28, 2006

Keep your child in mind, and do what's best for them. It sucks to be in nurturing mode and then have to hurt someone's feelings, but in the long run doing what you think is best for your offspring is best for your offspring.
posted by frecklefaerie at 4:37 PM on May 28, 2006

It's gross, you aren't being over protective. Teach your child right, your family member has their own issues to address. Hep. B and C are highly contagious, herpes virus, etc.. You are doing the right thing.
posted by 6:1 at 8:02 PM on May 28, 2006

On the one hand, I wouldn't share my food with a kid because of the backwash. On the other, my neighbor's kid (age 2) regularly takes drinks out of my water/pop/milk/whatever I'm drinking - and everyone else's, too.

I think it would be nice to try not to hurt someone's feelings - my sister was a real witch when my niece was about one. Before I had even taken a bite of any of my food (so my spoon was clean and my food untouched), I gave her a bite of my mashed potatoes. She was demanding food and her mom hadn't gotten her a plate yet. Well, my sister freaked because I blew on the food to cool it down and that was germy. (I fed my neighbor's kid all the time and blew on it, and he never got sick!) Perhaps if the person is, say, eating yogurt, you could get a second container of yogurt and a second spoon and hand them to the person, and say "would you like to help (my kid) eat?" That might help minimize the hurt feelings.

FWIW my sister is weird - she has a cat that she allows to walk all over the dinner dishes (and cats walk through their litter boxes), and she's worried about ME giving her kid germs? My parents and I won't eat at her house any more because of the cat.
posted by IndigoRain at 9:14 PM on May 28, 2006

First kid, huh?
Kids are truly disgusting, and it seems a bit "shutting the gate after the horse has bolted" to try and restrict a kid from getting some of uncle Jim's ice cream or whatever off his spoon when you see what else they put in their mouth.
It's your call, of course, but expect that (a) some (particularly older, parents themselves) people will view you as a bit neurotic, (b) you might wonder what you were worrying about when you have other kids or this kid is a bit older, and (c) you will one day pick up a dropped pacifier out of the dirt, suck it clean, hand it to your child and shudder at what parenthood has done to you (to the horror of your childless friends and those up thread).
But on the really bright side, you have a healthy little one who brings you and your relatives a lot of happiness, so this shouldn't be something you worry too much about.

And don't feel you need to hide, anon, this is the kind of question every new parent gets in knots over.
posted by bystander at 12:21 AM on May 29, 2006