Been dating almost 2 mos and....
May 22, 2006 1:19 PM
confused....
met this guy thru on-line dating since early 02/06. We started to date in 04/06 and physically involved. He calls a couple of times a week, haven't said he miss me or anything smooches. But when we together (2-3 times a week), he's very attentive and very loving. I asked him about his feelings but the response was "I'm a slow mover"..... We're both in our late 40s. I'd like to be with someone who is affectionated and open with his emotions.... What should I do? Give him time or move on....
Old dog / new tricks.
Even I fall into that trap. I'm very attentive and loving with the gal that I'm in a relationship with, but it's an open relationship ... mostly because while we're comfortable with each other physically and to a certain point emotionally, I tend to flinch away from what I'm *really* feeling about a topic towards what I want to feel, and that frustrates the hell out of her because it makes her second guess me. That'll never change, even though I can try not to do it around her.
posted by SpecialK at 1:28 PM on May 22, 2006
Even I fall into that trap. I'm very attentive and loving with the gal that I'm in a relationship with, but it's an open relationship ... mostly because while we're comfortable with each other physically and to a certain point emotionally, I tend to flinch away from what I'm *really* feeling about a topic towards what I want to feel, and that frustrates the hell out of her because it makes her second guess me. That'll never change, even though I can try not to do it around her.
posted by SpecialK at 1:28 PM on May 22, 2006
As a male, I am very confused by this question. What do you want that he's not giving you?
posted by smackfu at 1:31 PM on May 22, 2006
posted by smackfu at 1:31 PM on May 22, 2006
you've only been dating for a month a so, right? give it time and go with the flow--don't rush things
posted by sandra194 at 1:38 PM on May 22, 2006
posted by sandra194 at 1:38 PM on May 22, 2006
He calls a couple of times a week, haven't said he miss me or anything smooches.
What on earth does this sentence mean? "Anything smooches?"
posted by agregoli at 1:43 PM on May 22, 2006
What on earth does this sentence mean? "Anything smooches?"
posted by agregoli at 1:43 PM on May 22, 2006
I too am a confused male. Is the problem that he is affectionate in person but not on the phone? If this is the case, where is he calling from? If he's calling from work he might feel it's unprofessional to be all lovey-dovey on the phone.
If the problem is that he does all the loving, attentive things, but never tells you his emotions for you (ie all signs point to he loves you, but he hasn't said the words), I'd be inclined to chalk it up to stereotypical 'guys not being as willing to open up and share their emotions.' Although, you say he's in his late 40s, maybe he's been hurt in the past and that's the reason why he's slow to open.
Like others have said, some calirification on the question would be helpful.
posted by chndrcks at 1:56 PM on May 22, 2006
If the problem is that he does all the loving, attentive things, but never tells you his emotions for you (ie all signs point to he loves you, but he hasn't said the words), I'd be inclined to chalk it up to stereotypical 'guys not being as willing to open up and share their emotions.' Although, you say he's in his late 40s, maybe he's been hurt in the past and that's the reason why he's slow to open.
Like others have said, some calirification on the question would be helpful.
posted by chndrcks at 1:56 PM on May 22, 2006
teapot, I don't mean this rudely, but is your first language not English? Your post is rather hard to understand.
But as everyone else says, it's still early. And if you're in a casual relationship, you can date other people, I would think, and keep your options open. He's not ready to make a commitment, and maybe he never will be, so nobody could blame you for dating other guys.
posted by AmbroseChapel at 2:02 PM on May 22, 2006
But as everyone else says, it's still early. And if you're in a casual relationship, you can date other people, I would think, and keep your options open. He's not ready to make a commitment, and maybe he never will be, so nobody could blame you for dating other guys.
posted by AmbroseChapel at 2:02 PM on May 22, 2006
Take him at his word ("slow mover") and let him have some time to get used to you before you expect him to say he loves you. You've been dating for less than 2 months. Give him time.
posted by joannemerriam at 2:27 PM on May 22, 2006
posted by joannemerriam at 2:27 PM on May 22, 2006
Ordinarily I'd say "give him time," but if you're both in your late 40s, 1) you may not feel you have as much time to give it as you did in your 20s, and 2) he may be unwilling/unable to change (open up). Let him know clearly what you need from him (men often complain that women expect things without letting them know about it), and see how he responds.
teapot, I don't mean this rudely, but is your first language not English? Your post is rather hard to understand.
I don't mean this rudely, but is politeness not your native behavior? That comment does not help answer the question.
posted by languagehat at 2:30 PM on May 22, 2006
teapot, I don't mean this rudely, but is your first language not English? Your post is rather hard to understand.
I don't mean this rudely, but is politeness not your native behavior? That comment does not help answer the question.
posted by languagehat at 2:30 PM on May 22, 2006
Yeah, I'm with languagehat on this one. You guys are both in your late 40's. That means you've both had plenty of time to find out what's out there and decide what you want.
In his case, for whatever reason, that means that his way is to move slowly. I can think of many reasons why a man would come to feel that way; most of them are pretty sound.
You shouldn't try to change this about him. The real question here is: what do you want? Do you need something faster, more powerful, more full of sparks?
You should know by now.
posted by ikkyu2 at 2:34 PM on May 22, 2006
In his case, for whatever reason, that means that his way is to move slowly. I can think of many reasons why a man would come to feel that way; most of them are pretty sound.
You shouldn't try to change this about him. The real question here is: what do you want? Do you need something faster, more powerful, more full of sparks?
You should know by now.
posted by ikkyu2 at 2:34 PM on May 22, 2006
As a male, I am very confused by this question. What do you want that he's not giving you?
I think the asker is saying that the first couple months in a relationship are usually the stuff that books and music are written about. The sky is brighter, the colors more vivid, and in those first few weeks you feel like you can't wait to see the other person and you can't function without them.
I guess it's about passion, and every new relationship I've had has been crazy like that (granted, my last time dating was ten years ago). If I was in my late 40s though, I don't know if I'd act the same way I did at 23. I wouldn't say that automatically the guy is lacking passion or isn't into the relationship, like you said, he is very attentive and into it when you are together, he just doesn't seem "mushy" when you guys are apart.
I'd say give him time. Bringing it up ("why don't you miss me more?!") would seem weird to me, as a guy, and probably be a red flag to me.
posted by mathowie at 2:36 PM on May 22, 2006
I think the asker is saying that the first couple months in a relationship are usually the stuff that books and music are written about. The sky is brighter, the colors more vivid, and in those first few weeks you feel like you can't wait to see the other person and you can't function without them.
I guess it's about passion, and every new relationship I've had has been crazy like that (granted, my last time dating was ten years ago). If I was in my late 40s though, I don't know if I'd act the same way I did at 23. I wouldn't say that automatically the guy is lacking passion or isn't into the relationship, like you said, he is very attentive and into it when you are together, he just doesn't seem "mushy" when you guys are apart.
I'd say give him time. Bringing it up ("why don't you miss me more?!") would seem weird to me, as a guy, and probably be a red flag to me.
posted by mathowie at 2:36 PM on May 22, 2006
Two months dating is nothing. Enjoy his company and stop thinking in terms of time.
posted by rinkjustice at 2:43 PM on May 22, 2006
posted by rinkjustice at 2:43 PM on May 22, 2006
I'm sorry for the writting. Yes, English is my second language and I apologize for my broken-English.
I hope I can make it a bit clearer this time. We've been dating for almost two months. He rarely calls, hasn't said he missed me, never asks me about my family, my kids.... I'm, on the other hand, an affectionate person. Still kiss my 28 years old daughter, like touchy feelings and such....
Few years ago, I was engaged and totally involved with my fiance, found out he cheated on me with two other women at the same time. I just don't want to make a fool out of myself this time.
posted by teapot at 2:47 PM on May 22, 2006
I hope I can make it a bit clearer this time. We've been dating for almost two months. He rarely calls, hasn't said he missed me, never asks me about my family, my kids.... I'm, on the other hand, an affectionate person. Still kiss my 28 years old daughter, like touchy feelings and such....
Few years ago, I was engaged and totally involved with my fiance, found out he cheated on me with two other women at the same time. I just don't want to make a fool out of myself this time.
posted by teapot at 2:47 PM on May 22, 2006
It sounds like you're looking for a person who is as affectionate as you are. Dating is about discovering whether or not you're compatible with someone else .. perhaps this is the sign that while nothing is "wrong" between you two, it's just not right as far as a long term relationship is concerned.
The best thing to do, however, would be to talk with him and say this. Tell him you're a very affectionate person, and you're typically used to / in search of the same in kind.
The tricky part is: You need to be clear that you're just checking on compatibility, though, and not sound like you're insulting his lack of affection. You have to make it clear to him that you respect that not all people are that affectionate, but you're looking for the kind of person who is, and you're wondering if he normally is, or if he's just not the right guy for you.
posted by twiggy at 2:53 PM on May 22, 2006
The best thing to do, however, would be to talk with him and say this. Tell him you're a very affectionate person, and you're typically used to / in search of the same in kind.
The tricky part is: You need to be clear that you're just checking on compatibility, though, and not sound like you're insulting his lack of affection. You have to make it clear to him that you respect that not all people are that affectionate, but you're looking for the kind of person who is, and you're wondering if he normally is, or if he's just not the right guy for you.
posted by twiggy at 2:53 PM on May 22, 2006
That comment does not help answer the question.
posted by languagehat at 2:30 PM PST on May 22
Asking the poster to clarify her words is hardly rude, LH, and the question "is English your first language?" isn't all that unexpected in this case. Sheesh.
Anyway, teapot: you gotta let this guy be who he is. Either he will become more open and affectionate with the passage of time, or he won't. There's no way to force someone to open up; if anything, bugging him about it will probably just drive him away.
posted by Optimus Chyme at 2:55 PM on May 22, 2006
posted by languagehat at 2:30 PM PST on May 22
Asking the poster to clarify her words is hardly rude, LH, and the question "is English your first language?" isn't all that unexpected in this case. Sheesh.
Anyway, teapot: you gotta let this guy be who he is. Either he will become more open and affectionate with the passage of time, or he won't. There's no way to force someone to open up; if anything, bugging him about it will probably just drive him away.
posted by Optimus Chyme at 2:55 PM on May 22, 2006
If you enjoy the time you are spending with him, then do just that: enjoy the time together. Try not to think about what's in the future or what's in the past. All that does is spoil the present.
Early in a relationship this is hard to do because you don't know what the future holds and most people have some baggage from their past. But try not to think that way. This is new. It shouldn't be burdened by previous things and no one knows what the future holds so why even worry about it.
Enjoy your time with him NOW. If you aren't enjoying your time with him, then that's when you know it's time to move on.
Good luck and have fun!
posted by dog food sugar at 3:01 PM on May 22, 2006
Early in a relationship this is hard to do because you don't know what the future holds and most people have some baggage from their past. But try not to think that way. This is new. It shouldn't be burdened by previous things and no one knows what the future holds so why even worry about it.
Enjoy your time with him NOW. If you aren't enjoying your time with him, then that's when you know it's time to move on.
Good luck and have fun!
posted by dog food sugar at 3:01 PM on May 22, 2006
My husband and I are much the same, only I am the reserved one and he is much more touchy and affectionate. We joke that he is the dog and I am the cat of the relationship. Although we're aware of each other's temperments and try to accomodate each other, we basically recognize that we have very different relationship styles. In our 4 years together not much has changed, and I don't think it will. So the question to you is, assuming his behavior doesn't change, can you live with someone who's like that, long term? Maybe yes and maybe no...but only you can answer that.
posted by Bella Sebastian at 3:03 PM on May 22, 2006
posted by Bella Sebastian at 3:03 PM on May 22, 2006
I agree that two months isn't much time and you should be having fun and getting to know each other, without pressure. His wanting to take things slowly at this point is pretty legitimate.
However, if you are being intimate, you definitely have a right to know where his head (and the rest of him) is, at least as far as being exclusive. That's not nagging, or pressuring, that is looking out for your health.
Give him a few months to feel comfortable with you and open up. He might just be shy and reserved.
You should try and find out about his relationship history. He might have a pattern of incongruent communication ("mixed signals" - doing one thing, while saying, or not saying, something else) which can lead to a lot of assumptions and misunderstandings.
posted by socrateaser at 3:14 PM on May 22, 2006
However, if you are being intimate, you definitely have a right to know where his head (and the rest of him) is, at least as far as being exclusive. That's not nagging, or pressuring, that is looking out for your health.
Give him a few months to feel comfortable with you and open up. He might just be shy and reserved.
You should try and find out about his relationship history. He might have a pattern of incongruent communication ("mixed signals" - doing one thing, while saying, or not saying, something else) which can lead to a lot of assumptions and misunderstandings.
posted by socrateaser at 3:14 PM on May 22, 2006
If you enjoy the time you are spending with him, then do just that: enjoy the time together. Try not to think about what's in the future or what's in the past. All that does is spoil the present.
I'm not sure I completely agree, seeing as it seems like teapot is looking for a solid, long term relationship, not a short fling, and she's in her late 40s. I bet she doesn't feel like she has a lot of time to just "let go and see what happens" with this guy, because it might take him years that she doesn't want to wait.
What if they just stay this way and enjoy the time together as it comes, day by day, and 2 years down the road he's still not ready to commit or marry her. I guarantee she'd regret "wasting" those 2 years on someone who didn't end up being "the one."
Of course, I'm projecting all this onto teapot but as someone looking for their "one" and not getting any younger, these are things I've been worrying about a lot.
posted by tristeza at 3:17 PM on May 22, 2006
I'm not sure I completely agree, seeing as it seems like teapot is looking for a solid, long term relationship, not a short fling, and she's in her late 40s. I bet she doesn't feel like she has a lot of time to just "let go and see what happens" with this guy, because it might take him years that she doesn't want to wait.
What if they just stay this way and enjoy the time together as it comes, day by day, and 2 years down the road he's still not ready to commit or marry her. I guarantee she'd regret "wasting" those 2 years on someone who didn't end up being "the one."
Of course, I'm projecting all this onto teapot but as someone looking for their "one" and not getting any younger, these are things I've been worrying about a lot.
posted by tristeza at 3:17 PM on May 22, 2006
He rarely calls, hasn't said he missed me, never asks me about my family, my kids.
"He rarely calls"...hmmm...I really hate to ask but are you sure this guy is "unattached?"
posted by bim at 3:28 PM on May 22, 2006
"He rarely calls"...hmmm...I really hate to ask but are you sure this guy is "unattached?"
posted by bim at 3:28 PM on May 22, 2006
I doubt that his style is going to change, people have been saying 2 months is not long (and in a lifetime it is not, but 2 moths of weekly contact is long enough to know what a person is about) he may well feel great affection towards you, but is a reserved person. As noted above, if you can live with someone who cares about you but is not the same personality type, this might work. If you need something else that he can not give you, this will not. Communication is key, talk to him about yours and his needs, find out what he thinks and self evaluate.
posted by edgeways at 3:39 PM on May 22, 2006
posted by edgeways at 3:39 PM on May 22, 2006
You see each other 2-3 times a week, call each other another 2-3 times each week? I'm not sure when he'd have a chance to miss you -- it sounds like you're together or talking all the time! :-)
I had a roommate who was very talkative and told me a lot about his day without my even needing to ask, but he'd never ask about mine. I'd get annoyed because he just launched into talking without at least a cursory "Hi, how are you?"; he always figured that if I wanted to talk about myself, I'd just do it (like he did). It helped a bit to sit down and just state what we wanted from the other person -- I wanted him to ask me how I was, he wanted me to be a bit more forthcoming withou his having to probe for info. We both worked on it a bit, and the conflict disappeared.
If you can talk about it constructively -- not just "I need more from you!" but "I need you to do X, Y, and Z" so that he's got actual instructions from you -- then it may help to wait around a bit and see if you can work it out. But if you're unwilling to have that talk, or if he's unwilling to compromise a little bit, and you're unhappy with it, then it may be time to let him go.
posted by occhiblu at 3:56 PM on May 22, 2006
I had a roommate who was very talkative and told me a lot about his day without my even needing to ask, but he'd never ask about mine. I'd get annoyed because he just launched into talking without at least a cursory "Hi, how are you?"; he always figured that if I wanted to talk about myself, I'd just do it (like he did). It helped a bit to sit down and just state what we wanted from the other person -- I wanted him to ask me how I was, he wanted me to be a bit more forthcoming withou his having to probe for info. We both worked on it a bit, and the conflict disappeared.
If you can talk about it constructively -- not just "I need more from you!" but "I need you to do X, Y, and Z" so that he's got actual instructions from you -- then it may help to wait around a bit and see if you can work it out. But if you're unwilling to have that talk, or if he's unwilling to compromise a little bit, and you're unhappy with it, then it may be time to let him go.
posted by occhiblu at 3:56 PM on May 22, 2006
Probably I'm being thick and out of touch with dating:
But the fact he's relatively affectionate when he's with you but not when you're on the phone rang a small bell.
Perhaps he just enjoys the physical side of the relationship and hasn't got a big emotional attachment?
I mean anyone can whisper into an ear if they're feeling frisky and looking forward to getting someone into bed.
posted by selton at 4:34 PM on May 22, 2006
But the fact he's relatively affectionate when he's with you but not when you're on the phone rang a small bell.
Perhaps he just enjoys the physical side of the relationship and hasn't got a big emotional attachment?
I mean anyone can whisper into an ear if they're feeling frisky and looking forward to getting someone into bed.
posted by selton at 4:34 PM on May 22, 2006
Personally, I hate telephones. Bad enough being on the damn thing at all without feeling pressure to express some feeling other than "how soon can I put down this goddam telephone".
Just let him be who he is.
posted by flabdablet at 4:57 PM on May 22, 2006
Just let him be who he is.
posted by flabdablet at 4:57 PM on May 22, 2006
Be careful, he may be non-committal because he is trying to hide something....like maybe he is married.
Of course, I have no proof or even anything to base this hunch on but I do know that a large percentage of men trolling the online dating sites are married and looking for side action. I know too many women who have fallen for married guys who lied and said they were not married.
posted by camworld at 5:09 PM on May 22, 2006
Of course, I have no proof or even anything to base this hunch on but I do know that a large percentage of men trolling the online dating sites are married and looking for side action. I know too many women who have fallen for married guys who lied and said they were not married.
posted by camworld at 5:09 PM on May 22, 2006
I would be concerned because not only does he call infrequently, but because he doesn't talk about his life. Have you met his friends, children, parents etc.? Do they know about you?
As occhiblu said, he maybe a bit of introvert, or he may be hidding something. GIve him opportunities to open up, ask him about his life, his work and so on; perhaps suggest a dinner party or get together where you can meet his friends and he can meet yours.
If he avoids all that... worry.
posted by zia at 6:05 PM on May 22, 2006
As occhiblu said, he maybe a bit of introvert, or he may be hidding something. GIve him opportunities to open up, ask him about his life, his work and so on; perhaps suggest a dinner party or get together where you can meet his friends and he can meet yours.
If he avoids all that... worry.
posted by zia at 6:05 PM on May 22, 2006
Asking the poster to clarify her words is hardly rude
Thanks for the support, Optimus. Hat has a thing about me.
But just to check, I hope you didn't mind my asking you that, teapot?
posted by AmbroseChapel at 9:23 PM on May 22, 2006
Thanks for the support, Optimus. Hat has a thing about me.
But just to check, I hope you didn't mind my asking you that, teapot?
posted by AmbroseChapel at 9:23 PM on May 22, 2006
Most of the relevant points have been made, but I'd like to ask you to ask yourself how badly you are wanting to believe he's right for you. You may feel anxious to find someone to settle down with, but don't let your anxiety cloud your true feelings. Just enjoy the journey. You don't have to do anything.
posted by Mr. Gunn at 9:42 PM on May 22, 2006
posted by Mr. Gunn at 9:42 PM on May 22, 2006
Asking the poster to clarify her words is hardly rude
Thanks for the support, Optimus. Hat has a thing about me.
No, asking the poster to clarify her words isn't rude. Pointlessly remarking on her not seeming to be a native speaker is.
No, I don't have a "thing" about you. I have a thing about people being pointlessly rude in AskMe.
posted by languagehat at 5:31 AM on May 23, 2006
Thanks for the support, Optimus. Hat has a thing about me.
No, asking the poster to clarify her words isn't rude. Pointlessly remarking on her not seeming to be a native speaker is.
No, I don't have a "thing" about you. I have a thing about people being pointlessly rude in AskMe.
posted by languagehat at 5:31 AM on May 23, 2006
Thanks so much for the replies, I truly appreciate all of them. It's nice to know different opinions for my problem.
Thanks very much.
posted by teapot at 6:40 AM on May 23, 2006
Thanks very much.
posted by teapot at 6:40 AM on May 23, 2006
I have a thing about people being pointlessly rude in AskMe.
Yes. Yes you do.
posted by AmbroseChapel at 1:53 PM on May 23, 2006
Yes. Yes you do.
posted by AmbroseChapel at 1:53 PM on May 23, 2006
This thread is closed to new comments.
If you are, why not let it just progress naturally, 2 months is barely enough time to learn to like somebody. If he is as good as you say he is, he's probably worth learning about.
posted by bigmusic at 1:27 PM on May 22, 2006