Why is he still going to Match.com?
May 19, 2006 4:30 AM Subscribe
If a guy is not a player why would he continue to frequent a dating site a month into what seems to be a pretty good relationship for both of us?
posted by terra to Human Relations (36 answers total) 1 user marked this as a favorite
First off let me say I AM going to have a talk with said gentleman once I get some feedback from everyone here, but right now I'm confused and afraid of getting hurt and need input on the situation. I've been single for many years but am NOT a serial dater - 90% of those years have been spent as a single, working mom, dating very little. So I probably don't have the street smarts I need for this kind of thing. Yikes.
A little over a month ago and six months after the end of a 1.5 year relationship with Mr. Wrong, my only truly *bad* choice in years of dating, I jumped back into the online dating thing. I met this Mr. Wrong on Yahoo!, which for me was bad because there's no real matching involved - anyone can and does e-mail you - and in my area the caliber of man on Yahoo! was pretty bad.
I went to Match.com and soon realized that, while the guys seemed to be better people, anyone can pester me via e-mail even though reading my profile would tell them explicitly what I'm looking for or what I'm about and that we'd be an obvious mismatch. Also, I recognized several faces that were STILL around from when I was on Yahoo! a couple of years ago. Guess the serial daters had just moved up a notch. Was about to cancel my membership and go to eHarmony, when Match offered a subscription to their similar new venture, Chemistry. So I signed up.
Chemistry promotes the kind of LTR I'm looking for. You have to answer a lot of questions and they send you a few matches rather than letting everyone search their database and mail anyone they like. For me, this works. I hoped to find the man I would eventually marry.
So I get a few matches who seem far and away above the guys whose profiles are on other sites, but for one reason or another they're just not quite "it." And then I got the e-mail about Mr. Right. So many of the things about him just clicked with me. We went through all their guided communication stuff and it just kept clicking, as did our in-person meeting. Lest you think it's simply that he's a hottie I must say he's just an average guy in the looks department.
So Mr. Right has been divorced for six years and hasn't had a steady relationship in two years. He is also a single parent. Match offered him the same deal on Chemistry as they did me. I never saw his profile on Match during the short time I was on it, but after he told me that was how he'd come to Chemistry I found it and checked it out. That's when I saw that it said "Active within 24 hours." Well, okay - I've only been seeing him for a couple of weeks...maybe he's still shopping. I, on the other hand, pulled my Match profile after going over to Chemistry, not wanting to be spammed by Mr. Wrongs any longer. And I've since cancelled my Chemistry membership as well, though I paid for a period that will not end for another month and a half.
When I had been with Mr. Wrong for a couple of months I found that he was still corresponding with women on Yahoo!, a fact that upset me to no end, though he dismissed it as just harmless flirting and said he just really got an ego boost out of it. Based on the fact that he was at my house practically all the time I'd say he probably didn't actually meet any of these women. But even if he didn't, what about the woman on the other end he is stringing along? What a jerk thing to do.
My relationship with Mr. Right has become physical. We see one another a lot. When we're not together he calls me and we usually have pretty lengthy phone conversations. So if he was seeing anyone else it'd have to be that he was getting two hours of sleep a night or something ridiculous like that. Because of my bad experience with Mr. Wrong I didn't want to do anything stupid when I should have known better, so last night I went to Match and found Mr. Right's profile again and, as it was a few weeks ago the "Active within 24 hours" was noted. If you are a Match member other members can see who's looked at their profile, so I went in anonymously with a different browser. I don't think my profile is accessible to anyone at all because I deactivated it but I didn't want to take any chances that he'd think I was still trolling around on Match - I'm not.
So, guys in particular, what's the deal? Is it a harmless ego boost? Is he trying to get something going with someone else? Even if it is just flirting it is not acceptable to me if our relationship is going to progress, and I will tell him that. But right now I just need to hear some outside opinions on the situation. I am in my early (gasp!) 40's and he is in his late 40's.