Comments on: How to chase these feelings?

Question: How to chase these feelings?

chimmyc — Wed, 17 May 2006 21:37:39 -0800

My live-in girlfriend has flown to Europe for a month and a half, and I feel a little lost as to what I should do with myself now.

I usually lead a busy lifestyle. Most of my time has been taken up between work and my girlfriend, though. I also work from home, so there's a good portion of my day where I miss social interaction others usually get (I receive calls/emails/ims, but little face time). The nature of my job is that the workload varies as well. Some nights I am tied to the computer, but other times I have a lot of of downtime. This makes planning things somewhat difficult (although not impossible), so 'impromptu' kinds of things would be more manageable.

I have a few friends who live relatively nearby, and who I plan on hanging out with during the weekends. One concern is that they might feel used after my girlfriend comes back and I visit them much less frequently.

What do I have going from me? I live in Los Angeles... there must be plenty to do around here. I've got a car, and I'm willing to travel. At some point I'm going to travel and visit my folks (for a week, maybe?). I will also be joining her in Europe at the end of this, and am looking forward to that!

Any suggestions on beating the loneliness? I've looked around at some other posts, but they tend to lean toward ways of establishing new long-term friendships, which I'm not sure I'm looking for.

By: twiggy

twiggy — Wed, 17 May 2006 21:49:11 -0800

You might try searching meetup.com for groups that meet to hang out and talk about some interest(s) you have.

Surely LA has a good website somewhere with a live music calendar - one of the few events I can manage to enjoy alone. I feel weird going out to movies by myself, but for whatever reason I don't feel so weird going to a concert by myself.

If there's a coffeeshop nearby with free or cheap wireless, you could maybe work a couple of hours a day out of there, so that you're at least getting social exposure. In that environment you can get some exposure but still have the option of not meeting anyone if you don't feel like it.

Ultimately, it might do you and your girlfriend some good to meet some friends and get out a little more, but if your preference as a couple is to mostly just hang out together when not at work, and not go out beyond that, that's entirely up to you.

By: twiggy

twiggy — Wed, 17 May 2006 21:49:52 -0800

Oh, also: Kudos for the remark about being concerned your friends might feel used when you hang out with them while your girlfriend is gone and then hang out less when she's back. Most people are nowhere near that considerate.

By: occhiblu

occhiblu — Wed, 17 May 2006 21:50:22 -0800

Are there things you like to do a lot that your girlfriend doesn't? When an ex of mine left town for a month, I used the time to go to movies that only I would like, eat food that only I liked, and just do a lot of random stuff that I probably wouldn't have done had he been around.

Doing stuff that I wouldn't have done with him made me not miss him as much, I think, even when it was as silly as making dinner with lots of red peppers. It was kind of a nice time to rediscover who I was, without him.

By: buggzzee23

buggzzee23 — Wed, 17 May 2006 22:43:37 -0800

Do you like long drives by yourself? LA is a great starting point for a wide range of drives where you can see any combination of urban, rural, ocean, mountain, desert, foothil, industrial or agricultural scenery your heart desires within an hour or two. I'm a fifty-something, 3rd generation native SoCalian who lives to drive and I'm still amazed at the amazing landscapes we have at our doorstep here.
Some suggestions for 1 day drives:

North on 101 to Santa Barbara, Solvang, Santa Ynez and Santa Maria (santa maria promo video)

Palm Springs and/or Joshua Tree Nat'l Park

Big Bear via Forest Falls and Hwy 38

Tijuana and San Diego

Wrightwood via Hwy 2

By: caddis

caddis — Wed, 17 May 2006 22:50:41 -0800

Baseball

By: greycap

greycap — Wed, 17 May 2006 23:05:56 -0800

Courses might work - eg do a cookery course and wow your girlfriend when she gets back with an amazing meal. You'll get to meet people on the course(s) themselves, but there's no pressure to strike up long-term friendships.

By: salvia

salvia — Wed, 17 May 2006 23:08:40 -0800

Join a gym, even get a month-long trial? Gyms / exercise classes are great for beating the lonely feeling without requiring you to actually build a friendship with anyone new.

By: k8t

k8t — Thu, 18 May 2006 02:01:38 -0800

A month and a 1/2? Read some books? Volunteer?

By: I Love Tacos

I Love Tacos — Thu, 18 May 2006 03:42:02 -0800

A month and a half isn't that long. Use the time to try to get better at something.

By: beccaj

beccaj — Thu, 18 May 2006 04:32:06 -0800

When I was a kid we'd go on vacation for a week every year to see my aunt. My dad couldn't afford to take off work so he'd stay home. He wasn't a handy man but he'd do some little project for us by the time we got back and I thought it was an awesome tradition. For a Dad that couldn't really verbalize I love you or missed you I really got what he meant.

Maybe something little for her to show her that you missed her?

By: JJ86

JJ86 — Thu, 18 May 2006 05:39:05 -0800

Heh, my GF is over there for another year and a half and you think you have problems? Of course she and I anticipate making some trips to see each other in the mean time but right now the next time will be in 2 months. So we call, write, email to keep in touch.

I assume you have hobbies or personal projects? I have different groups of friends and keep in touch with them just as much now as when she is around. Maybe that's because I usually hang out with them and her at the same time. Try that when she gets back. Otherwise I do the normal things, movies, dancing, work on photography projects, read, visit parents, etc. Hell, I even visit her friends.

By: ChasFile

ChasFile — Thu, 18 May 2006 06:52:54 -0800

Um, you could make some friends who are more meaningful than a convenience? The bros before the hos, man.

By: adamwolf

adamwolf — Thu, 18 May 2006 08:18:55 -0800

When my girlfriend was gone in Germany, I got serious about changing habits and losing weight. It was definitely easier to change the way I did things when I was a little lost already.

By: treepour

treepour — Thu, 18 May 2006 08:24:45 -0800

Sometimes being confronted with a void of activity/stimulation brings up feelings that we've been avoiding via keeping busy . . . might be useful to ask yourself if something comes up during those empty spaces that you're trying to distract yourself from. Or may not be useful, I dunno, just a thought . . . you may very well be simply bored and lonely and missing your girlfriend.

By: chimmyc

chimmyc — Thu, 18 May 2006 10:42:46 -0800

Thanks for the suggestions everyone; I really appreciate those of you who have been able to share related experiences.

I realize this isn't an unreasonable amount of time to be apart, but I've never been in a situation like this since I've started working from home, so I don't know how to handle things. I feel like my question should have been narrowed down to something like "How should I get more social interaction during the week?"

Some good suggestions on that so far, though.

By: kaseijin

kaseijin — Thu, 18 May 2006 11:41:44 -0800

My live-in GF made a similar trip to Europe a couple of summers ago. I took it upon myself to break some messy habits. I cleaned the apartment religiously, I revamped my website, and I started eating better. I read more.

As far as more social interaction goes -- it's great for you to be considerate of your friends' feelings about being "used." Still, I would imagine that at least a couple of your friends have been missing your company and would welcome it.

I suggest calling up some of your closer friends and spending some time at the bar or the coffee shop. Or, if the weather is nice, you could have a grillin'/movie night at your place.

By: gregariousrecluse

gregariousrecluse — Thu, 18 May 2006 11:56:36 -0800

What part of LA ae you in?

By: baker dave

baker dave — Thu, 18 May 2006 12:21:31 -0800

weed and lot's of it

By: chimmyc

chimmyc — Thu, 18 May 2006 12:40:50 -0800

I was waiting for the drug suggestion!

I live toward the end of the Miracle Mile, close to La Brea.