How to chase these feelings?

May 17, 2006 9:37 PM

My live-in girlfriend has flown to Europe for a month and a half, and I feel a little lost as to what I should do with myself now.

I usually lead a busy lifestyle. Most of my time has been taken up between work and my girlfriend, though. I also work from home, so there's a good portion of my day where I miss social interaction others usually get (I receive calls/emails/ims, but little face time). The nature of my job is that the workload varies as well. Some nights I am tied to the computer, but other times I have a lot of of downtime. This makes planning things somewhat difficult (although not impossible), so 'impromptu' kinds of things would be more manageable.

I have a few friends who live relatively nearby, and who I plan on hanging out with during the weekends. One concern is that they might feel used after my girlfriend comes back and I visit them much less frequently.

What do I have going from me? I live in Los Angeles... there must be plenty to do around here. I've got a car, and I'm willing to travel. At some point I'm going to travel and visit my folks (for a week, maybe?). I will also be joining her in Europe at the end of this, and am looking forward to that!

Any suggestions on beating the loneliness? I've looked around at some other posts, but they tend to lean toward ways of establishing new long-term friendships, which I'm not sure I'm looking for.

posted by chimmyc to human relations (19 comments total)

You might try searching meetup.com for groups that meet to hang out and talk about some interest(s) you have.

Surely LA has a good website somewhere with a live music calendar - one of the few events I can manage to enjoy alone. I feel weird going out to movies by myself, but for whatever reason I don't feel so weird going to a concert by myself.

If there's a coffeeshop nearby with free or cheap wireless, you could maybe work a couple of hours a day out of there, so that you're at least getting social exposure. In that environment you can get some exposure but still have the option of not meeting anyone if you don't feel like it.

Ultimately, it might do you and your girlfriend some good to meet some friends and get out a little more, but if your preference as a couple is to mostly just hang out together when not at work, and not go out beyond that, that's entirely up to you.
posted by twiggy at 9:49 PM on May 17, 2006

Oh, also: Kudos for the remark about being concerned your friends might feel used when you hang out with them while your girlfriend is gone and then hang out less when she's back. Most people are nowhere near that considerate.
posted by twiggy at 9:49 PM on May 17, 2006

Are there things you like to do a lot that your girlfriend doesn't? When an ex of mine left town for a month, I used the time to go to movies that only I would like, eat food that only I liked, and just do a lot of random stuff that I probably wouldn't have done had he been around.

Doing stuff that I wouldn't have done with him made me not miss him as much, I think, even when it was as silly as making dinner with lots of red peppers. It was kind of a nice time to rediscover who I was, without him.
posted by occhiblu at 9:50 PM on May 17, 2006

Do you like long drives by yourself? LA is a great starting point for a wide range of drives where you can see any combination of urban, rural, ocean, mountain, desert, foothil, industrial or agricultural scenery your heart desires within an hour or two. I'm a fifty-something, 3rd generation native SoCalian who lives to drive and I'm still amazed at the amazing landscapes we have at our doorstep here.
Some suggestions for 1 day drives:

North on 101 to Santa Barbara, Solvang, Santa Ynez and Santa Maria (santa maria promo video)

Palm Springs and/or Joshua Tree Nat'l Park

Big Bear via Forest Falls and Hwy 38

Tijuana and San Diego

Wrightwood via Hwy 2
posted by buggzzee23 at 10:43 PM on May 17, 2006

Baseball
posted by caddis at 10:50 PM on May 17, 2006

Courses might work - eg do a cookery course and wow your girlfriend when she gets back with an amazing meal. You'll get to meet people on the course(s) themselves, but there's no pressure to strike up long-term friendships.
posted by greycap at 11:05 PM on May 17, 2006

Join a gym, even get a month-long trial? Gyms / exercise classes are great for beating the lonely feeling without requiring you to actually build a friendship with anyone new.
posted by salvia at 11:08 PM on May 17, 2006

A month and a 1/2? Read some books? Volunteer?
posted by k8t at 2:01 AM on May 18, 2006

A month and a half isn't that long. Use the time to try to get better at something.
posted by I Love Tacos at 3:42 AM on May 18, 2006

When I was a kid we'd go on vacation for a week every year to see my aunt. My dad couldn't afford to take off work so he'd stay home. He wasn't a handy man but he'd do some little project for us by the time we got back and I thought it was an awesome tradition. For a Dad that couldn't really verbalize I love you or missed you I really got what he meant.

Maybe something little for her to show her that you missed her?
posted by beccaj at 4:32 AM on May 18, 2006

Heh, my GF is over there for another year and a half and you think you have problems? Of course she and I anticipate making some trips to see each other in the mean time but right now the next time will be in 2 months. So we call, write, email to keep in touch.

I assume you have hobbies or personal projects? I have different groups of friends and keep in touch with them just as much now as when she is around. Maybe that's because I usually hang out with them and her at the same time. Try that when she gets back. Otherwise I do the normal things, movies, dancing, work on photography projects, read, visit parents, etc. Hell, I even visit her friends.
posted by JJ86 at 5:39 AM on May 18, 2006

Um, you could make some friends who are more meaningful than a convenience? The bros before the hos, man.
posted by ChasFile at 6:52 AM on May 18, 2006

When my girlfriend was gone in Germany, I got serious about changing habits and losing weight. It was definitely easier to change the way I did things when I was a little lost already.
posted by adamwolf at 8:18 AM on May 18, 2006

Sometimes being confronted with a void of activity/stimulation brings up feelings that we've been avoiding via keeping busy . . . might be useful to ask yourself if something comes up during those empty spaces that you're trying to distract yourself from. Or may not be useful, I dunno, just a thought . . . you may very well be simply bored and lonely and missing your girlfriend.
posted by treepour at 8:24 AM on May 18, 2006

Thanks for the suggestions everyone; I really appreciate those of you who have been able to share related experiences.

I realize this isn't an unreasonable amount of time to be apart, but I've never been in a situation like this since I've started working from home, so I don't know how to handle things. I feel like my question should have been narrowed down to something like "How should I get more social interaction during the week?"

Some good suggestions on that so far, though.
posted by chimmyc at 10:42 AM on May 18, 2006

My live-in GF made a similar trip to Europe a couple of summers ago. I took it upon myself to break some messy habits. I cleaned the apartment religiously, I revamped my website, and I started eating better. I read more.

As far as more social interaction goes -- it's great for you to be considerate of your friends' feelings about being "used." Still, I would imagine that at least a couple of your friends have been missing your company and would welcome it.

I suggest calling up some of your closer friends and spending some time at the bar or the coffee shop. Or, if the weather is nice, you could have a grillin'/movie night at your place.
posted by kaseijin at 11:41 AM on May 18, 2006

What part of LA ae you in?
posted by gregariousrecluse at 11:56 AM on May 18, 2006

weed and lot's of it
posted by baker dave at 12:21 PM on May 18, 2006

I was waiting for the drug suggestion!

I live toward the end of the Miracle Mile, close to La Brea.
posted by chimmyc at 12:40 PM on May 18, 2006