What to do when nothing seems to matter
December 18, 2024 2:08 PM Subscribe
I have spent large chunks of my life sincerely believing that nothing really mattered. I can swiftly and easily discount any accomplishments that could be added to my name. Many people think my job is meaningful - I don’t think it’s enough. Many people think the church I attend is a pillar of the community - I think the minister is pseudo-intellectual and rarely says anything risky or meaningful.
My volunteer work has only fed a few people when we need to feed thousands and permanently address the root causes of food insecurity. In school none of my classes really mattered in the big scheme of things. I have talents but I haven’t really developed any of them in a way that leads to true accomplishment- and if I did I’d find a way to say it didn’t count.
(I am not always like this but it’s definitely a recurring theme. I can get very excited and passionate about projects but the pit of meh always awaits).
You see where I’m going with this. After decades I can see that this way of checking out and not engaging, or engaging half-heartedly while being silently critical, I can see that this does not lead me anywhere good. The people I admire engage with the things they care about and commit wholeheartedly, and I can see that this ultimately leads to getting real work done.
I do not expect that I will easily, or ever, permanently fix this aspect of myself.
My question is: what are the most effective ways that people deal with this? I cannot be the first.
(Yes it sounds like depression, but years of therapy haven’t helped - I always feel I am somehow doing something wrong - and slews of antidepressants have been either ineffective or disastrous. I need a way to wake up in the morning and get out of bed and just … do stuff with a decent attitude towards myself and the world in general.)
My volunteer work has only fed a few people when we need to feed thousands and permanently address the root causes of food insecurity. In school none of my classes really mattered in the big scheme of things. I have talents but I haven’t really developed any of them in a way that leads to true accomplishment- and if I did I’d find a way to say it didn’t count.
(I am not always like this but it’s definitely a recurring theme. I can get very excited and passionate about projects but the pit of meh always awaits).
You see where I’m going with this. After decades I can see that this way of checking out and not engaging, or engaging half-heartedly while being silently critical, I can see that this does not lead me anywhere good. The people I admire engage with the things they care about and commit wholeheartedly, and I can see that this ultimately leads to getting real work done.
I do not expect that I will easily, or ever, permanently fix this aspect of myself.
My question is: what are the most effective ways that people deal with this? I cannot be the first.
(Yes it sounds like depression, but years of therapy haven’t helped - I always feel I am somehow doing something wrong - and slews of antidepressants have been either ineffective or disastrous. I need a way to wake up in the morning and get out of bed and just … do stuff with a decent attitude towards myself and the world in general.)
I’ve felt this way for most of my life (while medicated/in therapy for depression) and honestly the thing that has helped the most is my dog.
posted by anotheraccount at 3:02 PM on December 18 [15 favorites]
posted by anotheraccount at 3:02 PM on December 18 [15 favorites]
On the therapy front, my first thought wasn't 'depression' but rather 'deeply entrenched perfectionism.'
On the meaning front, my first thought was 'psychedelics.' I don't know how open you are to the idea (and full disclosure, I have not gone there myself, though I know people who have and have had their worlds changed for the better) but it might be worth at least doing some reading. I think you need something to help you bypass your brain and catapult you directly into the heart of the universe/God/whatever your language is.
posted by wormtales at 3:03 PM on December 18 [18 favorites]
On the meaning front, my first thought was 'psychedelics.' I don't know how open you are to the idea (and full disclosure, I have not gone there myself, though I know people who have and have had their worlds changed for the better) but it might be worth at least doing some reading. I think you need something to help you bypass your brain and catapult you directly into the heart of the universe/God/whatever your language is.
posted by wormtales at 3:03 PM on December 18 [18 favorites]
So I’m a person who until recently (but, emphatically, pre-election results) felt that things deeply mattered and I had a Big Purpose, and then quite simply some time this spring everything went poof and I saw people for how selfish they are, and history for what it is, and life for what it is, to the point where just this week I had to restrain myself from exclaiming “it’s all the same and it will never change !” in public.
The only person I’ve seen address this effectively is Shinzen Young a meditation master.
After enlightenment what’s the point
Downsides of enlightenment
How we evolve and integrate
That last one is my favorite and personally helped me, especially around 30minutes to the end.
It’s just a life, you know? Thank God I am here.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 3:05 PM on December 18 [15 favorites]
The only person I’ve seen address this effectively is Shinzen Young a meditation master.
After enlightenment what’s the point
Downsides of enlightenment
How we evolve and integrate
That last one is my favorite and personally helped me, especially around 30minutes to the end.
It’s just a life, you know? Thank God I am here.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 3:05 PM on December 18 [15 favorites]
I would get a really good psychiatrist and explore things other than antidepressants. This doesnt sound like depression to me, it sounds more complex, possibly Derealization/depersonalization or any number of things, and I bet there are better answers out there for you either through better tailored therapy or meds or both
posted by octaviabutlerfan at 3:05 PM on December 18 [1 favorite]
posted by octaviabutlerfan at 3:05 PM on December 18 [1 favorite]
It’s not depression - it’s ennui.
I sometimes feel the same, fwiw. Then I stroke a kitten or see the sun glint through the trees. Doesn’t cure the ennui obvs, but you don’t have to live within it continually.
posted by Puppy McSock at 3:07 PM on December 18 [9 favorites]
I sometimes feel the same, fwiw. Then I stroke a kitten or see the sun glint through the trees. Doesn’t cure the ennui obvs, but you don’t have to live within it continually.
posted by Puppy McSock at 3:07 PM on December 18 [9 favorites]
I organise volunteers, and motivating people is something I think about quite a lot.
One of the things I repeat, all the time, is that the most important thing anyone can do isn't to be excellent at skills, or organising, or to do specific jobs, or to have a huge impact, or be awarded. It's showing up. Just showing up is the basis for everything else, because people who don't show up can't even start the rest. And more importantly, it matters for everyone else to have other people show up. It's incredibly important and taken for granted.
posted by Fiasco da Gama at 3:18 PM on December 18 [37 favorites]
One of the things I repeat, all the time, is that the most important thing anyone can do isn't to be excellent at skills, or organising, or to do specific jobs, or to have a huge impact, or be awarded. It's showing up. Just showing up is the basis for everything else, because people who don't show up can't even start the rest. And more importantly, it matters for everyone else to have other people show up. It's incredibly important and taken for granted.
posted by Fiasco da Gama at 3:18 PM on December 18 [37 favorites]
Sometimes I think similar things, and I ask myself:
Am I being presumptuous just because no one is telling me my actions matter?
Why am I making that choice for others?
Why is my enjoyment of a thing predicated on if it's "big" enough- isn't that selfish/self-centered behavior?
Who is missing out or needing something that I was too stuck in my own head to help them?
And a MeFi favorite: is it any of my business if the world decides if my contributions are "enough" or not? Because I'm not an expert or a psychic to know.
I try to make it about the people I am helping and not about myself. But also I notice I start feeling this way when I am getting burned out. My mind will start to come up with all the excuses and disappointments after I've gone too hard into something for too long. So I've tried to not take on more than I can handle, take care of myself, and make time for fun and curiosity.
posted by haplesschild at 3:31 PM on December 18 [5 favorites]
Am I being presumptuous just because no one is telling me my actions matter?
Why am I making that choice for others?
Why is my enjoyment of a thing predicated on if it's "big" enough- isn't that selfish/self-centered behavior?
Who is missing out or needing something that I was too stuck in my own head to help them?
And a MeFi favorite: is it any of my business if the world decides if my contributions are "enough" or not? Because I'm not an expert or a psychic to know.
I try to make it about the people I am helping and not about myself. But also I notice I start feeling this way when I am getting burned out. My mind will start to come up with all the excuses and disappointments after I've gone too hard into something for too long. So I've tried to not take on more than I can handle, take care of myself, and make time for fun and curiosity.
posted by haplesschild at 3:31 PM on December 18 [5 favorites]
I come back to "we overestimate what can be done in a year and underestimate what can be done in ten". For good or bad, but that means the payoff from forestalling a little bad on the regular is also bigger than it looks, right?
posted by clew at 3:44 PM on December 18 [8 favorites]
posted by clew at 3:44 PM on December 18 [8 favorites]
Practical effective ways to cope have been covered; a dog or strawberry or other living thing that depends on you. Therapy. Meds. All good things!
I also want to say that you may never know what it is, but you DID make a difference, already. Maybe someone you fed still remembers that day that you turned hunger into contentment. And that bit of warmth let them be a little nicer to the cashier, who went home and hugged their kid-- it's trite but the butterfly effect is real. Maybe it's not a big flashy deal like shooting a CEO, but making the world a little better, even for a moment, is surely a thing worth doing.
Hey, you've changed my world. I read this, I empathize with and relate to you and how you feel, because I feel that way a lot. What I'm telling you is what I tell myself, and it helps me, and if it helps you, or anyone else reading this, or even just makes you mad enough to go for a brisk healthy walk, then we've touched each other's worlds, and that affects everything we do from now on, forever.
posted by The otter lady at 3:55 PM on December 18 [19 favorites]
I also want to say that you may never know what it is, but you DID make a difference, already. Maybe someone you fed still remembers that day that you turned hunger into contentment. And that bit of warmth let them be a little nicer to the cashier, who went home and hugged their kid-- it's trite but the butterfly effect is real. Maybe it's not a big flashy deal like shooting a CEO, but making the world a little better, even for a moment, is surely a thing worth doing.
Hey, you've changed my world. I read this, I empathize with and relate to you and how you feel, because I feel that way a lot. What I'm telling you is what I tell myself, and it helps me, and if it helps you, or anyone else reading this, or even just makes you mad enough to go for a brisk healthy walk, then we've touched each other's worlds, and that affects everything we do from now on, forever.
posted by The otter lady at 3:55 PM on December 18 [19 favorites]
"If everyone swept their own porch, the whole world would be clean."
You're sweeping your own porch very, very nicely. That is the best - and all - we can hope from anyone.
So-called "great accomplishments" are vastly overrated. They certainly don't benefit the person who accomplished them more than briefly if at all, and when they're dead they are just as dead as anyone else.
Most of the people mentioned in history books are frankly monsters at one level or another - sometimes deliberately, most times unintentionally simply because "great things" tend to wreak as much destruction as creation and someone, usually not the instigator, has to bear the brunt of that.
Anyway, if your goal is to live a good and worthwhile life, your first priority would be: Avoid doing anything that might get you into the history books.
The fact that you feel you are not doing anything "worthwhile" in that kind of sense is a measure of the fact that you are succeeding, not failing, in trying to be a good person.
posted by flug at 3:58 PM on December 18 [9 favorites]
You're sweeping your own porch very, very nicely. That is the best - and all - we can hope from anyone.
So-called "great accomplishments" are vastly overrated. They certainly don't benefit the person who accomplished them more than briefly if at all, and when they're dead they are just as dead as anyone else.
Most of the people mentioned in history books are frankly monsters at one level or another - sometimes deliberately, most times unintentionally simply because "great things" tend to wreak as much destruction as creation and someone, usually not the instigator, has to bear the brunt of that.
Anyway, if your goal is to live a good and worthwhile life, your first priority would be: Avoid doing anything that might get you into the history books.
The fact that you feel you are not doing anything "worthwhile" in that kind of sense is a measure of the fact that you are succeeding, not failing, in trying to be a good person.
posted by flug at 3:58 PM on December 18 [9 favorites]
I changed my definition of meaningful. I think it is fluid to fit the situation. Your example of people needed to address food insecurity strikes me as setting yourself up for "failure" or not achieving meaningful progress. Sure tens of thousands of people are needed and your small group of say 10 is only making a small dent in the problem, but on a micro level, you are making a huge contribution to as many as you can.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 4:06 PM on December 18 [4 favorites]
posted by JohnnyGunn at 4:06 PM on December 18 [4 favorites]
Who are the people in your life who taught you to be this way? Who are the people who told you you weren't good enough, that you didn't do enough, that nothing you did ultimately mattered? Are those people still in your life?
I think moving past these inner voices means moving away from the actual voices that told us these terrible things about ourselves. Because, ultimately, what you are doing here is feeling bad about yourself and what you do in the world.
Who criticized you as a child, and what would it take to not have that person in your life anymore? That's the work right there.
posted by bluedaisy at 4:11 PM on December 18 [13 favorites]
I think moving past these inner voices means moving away from the actual voices that told us these terrible things about ourselves. Because, ultimately, what you are doing here is feeling bad about yourself and what you do in the world.
Who criticized you as a child, and what would it take to not have that person in your life anymore? That's the work right there.
posted by bluedaisy at 4:11 PM on December 18 [13 favorites]
You have to accept the idea of "meaningful enough" in order to avoid despair. Each thing you mention needs a humbler approach to meaningfulness. For example:
My volunteer work has only fed a few people when we need to feed thousands and permanently address the root causes of food insecurity
Your volunteer work simply can't do what you're asking it to; food insecurity is a problem enmeshed in thousands of years of human life and ... your volunteer work can't permanently address the root causes of something that has enormously varied and shifting causes. Your volunteer work can't fix capitalism, globalization, climate destruction, racism, and all the older power structures these are built on. Whoever diagnoses and fixes food insecurity would get a thousand Nobel prizes. But why is it not meaningful to ease the suffering of a few people in your community who need someone to care that they are hungry? Making sure they matter enough to be fed is meaningful to those people. It has to be "meaningful enough."
I think the minister is pseudo-intellectual and rarely says anything risky or meaningful.
That's because the minister is a human with flaws. But clearly some people are finding something of value in your church, so it has to be meaningful enough.
You can do this with each thing that seems meaningless to you. Find the meaning in what it actually does offer and then... well, living with that kind of impossibility is the human condition.
posted by Tim Bucktooth at 4:34 PM on December 18 [13 favorites]
My volunteer work has only fed a few people when we need to feed thousands and permanently address the root causes of food insecurity
Your volunteer work simply can't do what you're asking it to; food insecurity is a problem enmeshed in thousands of years of human life and ... your volunteer work can't permanently address the root causes of something that has enormously varied and shifting causes. Your volunteer work can't fix capitalism, globalization, climate destruction, racism, and all the older power structures these are built on. Whoever diagnoses and fixes food insecurity would get a thousand Nobel prizes. But why is it not meaningful to ease the suffering of a few people in your community who need someone to care that they are hungry? Making sure they matter enough to be fed is meaningful to those people. It has to be "meaningful enough."
I think the minister is pseudo-intellectual and rarely says anything risky or meaningful.
That's because the minister is a human with flaws. But clearly some people are finding something of value in your church, so it has to be meaningful enough.
You can do this with each thing that seems meaningless to you. Find the meaning in what it actually does offer and then... well, living with that kind of impossibility is the human condition.
posted by Tim Bucktooth at 4:34 PM on December 18 [13 favorites]
Mindfulness. Tons and tons of mindfulness.
Also different therapy. But mindfulness.
posted by knobknosher at 4:39 PM on December 18 [2 favorites]
Also different therapy. But mindfulness.
posted by knobknosher at 4:39 PM on December 18 [2 favorites]
Oh and embracing the dialectical (or something like that)
Ie:
You haven’t done enough and you’ve also done a lot
Your church is flawed and it also has value to many people
Your work isn’t what you’d like it to be and your work is meaningful and worthwhile
Your friends have done good work and your friends’ efforts aren’t perfect
posted by knobknosher at 4:41 PM on December 18 [14 favorites]
Ie:
You haven’t done enough and you’ve also done a lot
Your church is flawed and it also has value to many people
Your work isn’t what you’d like it to be and your work is meaningful and worthwhile
Your friends have done good work and your friends’ efforts aren’t perfect
posted by knobknosher at 4:41 PM on December 18 [14 favorites]
Her finely touched spirit had still its fine issues, though they were not widely visible. Her full nature, like that river of which Cyrus broke the strength, spent itself in channels which had no great name on the earth. But the effect of her being on those around her was incalculably diffusive: for the growing good of the world is partly dependent on unhistoric acts; and that things are not so ill with you and me as they might have been, is half owing to the number who lived faithfully a hidden life, and rest in unvisited tombs. — George Eliot, Middlemarch
posted by Hypatia at 5:01 PM on December 18 [12 favorites]
posted by Hypatia at 5:01 PM on December 18 [12 favorites]
“The cynic’s vanity — the one which gives them license to be scornful where others delight — is the assumption that they know the inner workings of things.” -- John Myers Meyers
The way I backed out of where you are now was to embrace my ignorance. I have no idea how the universe works. I have no idea what does and doesn't matter in the long run. I'm not qualified to judge. If God didn't exist I would have to invent one to sort it out for me.
I help out in my community because that is part of being in a community. In the long run that might usher in a golden era, or cause the end of civilization. But for me, a tiny mortal on an endless sea of chaos, doing my best will have to do.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 5:02 PM on December 18 [6 favorites]
The way I backed out of where you are now was to embrace my ignorance. I have no idea how the universe works. I have no idea what does and doesn't matter in the long run. I'm not qualified to judge. If God didn't exist I would have to invent one to sort it out for me.
I help out in my community because that is part of being in a community. In the long run that might usher in a golden era, or cause the end of civilization. But for me, a tiny mortal on an endless sea of chaos, doing my best will have to do.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 5:02 PM on December 18 [6 favorites]
Your friends have done good work and your friends’ efforts aren’t perfect
This is me. I'm not perfect. I have a pot of lavender that suffered for lack of sun for two years. I moved it to get more sun and wow it's doing great! You live, you learn. I wish I had done better, but I am better NOW.
posted by SPrintF at 5:03 PM on December 18 [5 favorites]
This is me. I'm not perfect. I have a pot of lavender that suffered for lack of sun for two years. I moved it to get more sun and wow it's doing great! You live, you learn. I wish I had done better, but I am better NOW.
posted by SPrintF at 5:03 PM on December 18 [5 favorites]
Others have said it, but: get a pet. Doesn't matter what - could be a goldfish, a hamster, a dog, a cat, whatever. But, have a living being in your life whose life literally depends on you, and you'll find out pretty quickly that your actions can actually matter.
Unless you're a doctor saving people's lives, work mostly doesn't matter, except in that it provides you resources with which to live. Church matters to some, it does not have to matter to you.
My volunteer work has only fed a few people when we need to feed thousands and permanently address the root causes of food insecurity.
But those few people got fed! That's important! Multiply "you" across hundreds of communities across this country and that's literally the thousands of people you say need to be fed. You're not responsible to do it all alone, but you're playing your part.
The way you deal with this feeling, in my opinion, is to try to stop framing your individual actions as a failure in terms of what you as an individual do not solving all of society's problems. You weren't put on this earth to solve problems at a macro level by yourself. You can only do what you can do in your immediate sphere, and you're doing good things in that sphere, from the sound of it. Let that be enough.
And yeah, get a pet.
posted by pdb at 5:06 PM on December 18 [6 favorites]
Unless you're a doctor saving people's lives, work mostly doesn't matter, except in that it provides you resources with which to live. Church matters to some, it does not have to matter to you.
My volunteer work has only fed a few people when we need to feed thousands and permanently address the root causes of food insecurity.
But those few people got fed! That's important! Multiply "you" across hundreds of communities across this country and that's literally the thousands of people you say need to be fed. You're not responsible to do it all alone, but you're playing your part.
The way you deal with this feeling, in my opinion, is to try to stop framing your individual actions as a failure in terms of what you as an individual do not solving all of society's problems. You weren't put on this earth to solve problems at a macro level by yourself. You can only do what you can do in your immediate sphere, and you're doing good things in that sphere, from the sound of it. Let that be enough.
And yeah, get a pet.
posted by pdb at 5:06 PM on December 18 [6 favorites]
Why does it matter if things matter?
posted by unknowncommand at 5:11 PM on December 18 [9 favorites]
posted by unknowncommand at 5:11 PM on December 18 [9 favorites]
I'm sorry you are feeling like this.
Your question reminded me of this recently in The Guardian: I’m nearly 80 and there’s a void in my life that hobbies can’t fill. That person is probably at a different stage of life to you, but the advice about creating meaning might help you.
I looked back at your MF posts, and remember reading the one about eviction quilts at the time - it has remained with me. Thinking about that now, I wonder if you do any creative things, or could try to if you don't? The trick, of course, is to enjoy the process and not criticise one's stuff to the point that one self-sabotages, which is not always or often easy. Might help with mindfulness and feeling that one affects the world - at the end of one's creativity, there is an xx, which would not have existed without you, even if it is ropey.
posted by paduasoy at 5:36 PM on December 18 [3 favorites]
Your question reminded me of this recently in The Guardian: I’m nearly 80 and there’s a void in my life that hobbies can’t fill. That person is probably at a different stage of life to you, but the advice about creating meaning might help you.
I looked back at your MF posts, and remember reading the one about eviction quilts at the time - it has remained with me. Thinking about that now, I wonder if you do any creative things, or could try to if you don't? The trick, of course, is to enjoy the process and not criticise one's stuff to the point that one self-sabotages, which is not always or often easy. Might help with mindfulness and feeling that one affects the world - at the end of one's creativity, there is an xx, which would not have existed without you, even if it is ropey.
posted by paduasoy at 5:36 PM on December 18 [3 favorites]
To address just one of your points: Your church's pastor doesn't have one iota of the value of the people in the congregation. The pastor is a leader and a manager and can be replaced (it happens all the time). A church is a community, and the community is irreplaceable. Find a way to get involved with the people. The only real difference an individual can make is by having an effect on other people. Find a way to have an effect.
And do consider getting a dog. You'll make each other very happy.
posted by lhauser at 6:39 PM on December 18 [1 favorite]
And do consider getting a dog. You'll make each other very happy.
posted by lhauser at 6:39 PM on December 18 [1 favorite]
(Taking as a given that it's not depression, though it does sound a lot to me like treatment-resistant depression:) It strikes me that a lot of the things in your post are about what other people say is important and meaningful: work, religion, volunteerism, studies, developing a talent to the point of virtuosity. These are all external definitions of purpose and success.
What has meaning for you?
The moments when I feel the greatest sense of purpose and meaning are when I take a long, long walk and ascend a hill to a beautiful vista. When I'm laughing over a board game with friends and loved ones. When I've successfully cooked a recipe and it turned out just like it looks in the cookbook. Any time I visit a brand new place or have a brand new experience—and that could be a sunrise hot air balloon over the pyramids of Teotihuacán or a wander through the gardens of the Quinta da Regaleira, but it could also be checking out a new art gallery in town, or walking down to the farmer's market in the next neighborhood over and taste testing ten different varieties of apples.
Those aren't the things anyone told me I was supposed to find meaning or purpose in, but if I just did what everyone says you're supposed to do all the time and expected it to fulfill me I would be miserable too.
posted by capricorn at 7:05 PM on December 18 [2 favorites]
What has meaning for you?
The moments when I feel the greatest sense of purpose and meaning are when I take a long, long walk and ascend a hill to a beautiful vista. When I'm laughing over a board game with friends and loved ones. When I've successfully cooked a recipe and it turned out just like it looks in the cookbook. Any time I visit a brand new place or have a brand new experience—and that could be a sunrise hot air balloon over the pyramids of Teotihuacán or a wander through the gardens of the Quinta da Regaleira, but it could also be checking out a new art gallery in town, or walking down to the farmer's market in the next neighborhood over and taste testing ten different varieties of apples.
Those aren't the things anyone told me I was supposed to find meaning or purpose in, but if I just did what everyone says you're supposed to do all the time and expected it to fulfill me I would be miserable too.
posted by capricorn at 7:05 PM on December 18 [2 favorites]
unknowncommand: Why does it matter if things matter?
Oh yeah, and also this. My realization that none of this actually has any meaning or purpose other than the one we give it was a huge relief. If it doesn't matter, I can't fuck it up! I mean, I still do my best to be kind and treat others with respect but now I can know I'm not some huge failure because I didn't accomplish Great Things and I just enjoy my fun chill little life.
posted by capricorn at 7:06 PM on December 18 [11 favorites]
Oh yeah, and also this. My realization that none of this actually has any meaning or purpose other than the one we give it was a huge relief. If it doesn't matter, I can't fuck it up! I mean, I still do my best to be kind and treat others with respect but now I can know I'm not some huge failure because I didn't accomplish Great Things and I just enjoy my fun chill little life.
posted by capricorn at 7:06 PM on December 18 [11 favorites]
I went on a very similar rant to a therapist a decade ago, and he said “boy, the grandeur of your goals is a bit narcissistic, isn’t it?”
And he was right.
Do good, to the extent you can. Stop thinking that you need to solve a problem that no other human has ever solved. Stop thinking that the goal of individual classes is to move the needle. Stop thinking that every pastor needs to be a profound thinker. Stop thinking every job needs to be maximally meaningful.
It is okay that your life is not lived at the extreme edges of meaningfulness. Most people’s aren’t. That doesn’t make those lives not meaningful. I can assure you they are. And I can assure you that the people whose lives are also lived in the beautiful middle of the meaningfulness bell curve are, collectively, doing great good in the world.
So: accept that your life will be pleasantly pedestrian in ten thousand ways, and let yourself focus on doing what you can within the scope of it. It will likely result in you getting more done, and it certainly will make you happier.
posted by moosetracks at 7:09 PM on December 18 [14 favorites]
And he was right.
Do good, to the extent you can. Stop thinking that you need to solve a problem that no other human has ever solved. Stop thinking that the goal of individual classes is to move the needle. Stop thinking that every pastor needs to be a profound thinker. Stop thinking every job needs to be maximally meaningful.
It is okay that your life is not lived at the extreme edges of meaningfulness. Most people’s aren’t. That doesn’t make those lives not meaningful. I can assure you they are. And I can assure you that the people whose lives are also lived in the beautiful middle of the meaningfulness bell curve are, collectively, doing great good in the world.
So: accept that your life will be pleasantly pedestrian in ten thousand ways, and let yourself focus on doing what you can within the scope of it. It will likely result in you getting more done, and it certainly will make you happier.
posted by moosetracks at 7:09 PM on December 18 [14 favorites]
Look into Zen meditation. Accepting these as they are is liberating. Instead of I just fed 10 people, rephrase it to say, I fed 10 people.
posted by turtlefu at 7:17 PM on December 18 [7 favorites]
posted by turtlefu at 7:17 PM on December 18 [7 favorites]
For me, the Existentialists help. I read Camus's The Plague, and it helped. Life is absurd. Meaning-making is absurd. But we do them anyway. In the face of constant failure and certain death, we keep trying and keep living, and there's a nobility in that.
Every time I fall in love with the world because it contains something beautiful and transcendent, the word reminds me that it is totally uncaring about my existence AT BEST. Most things in the universe are actively trying to kill us. Civilization is an attempt to stop this, however flawed.
So let your heart love civilization and love the world, but know you are going to get hurt. Know you are going to get dumped but love anyway. You aren't going to fix them, but you can help a few people along the way. And a few people can help you.
If you live too much inside yourself, life is usually going to look like a tragedy. If you try to pull back a little and take some perspective, you might be able to see the comedy a little. We want things to make sense but we end up looking like a dog wearing a hat: senseless and ridiculous, but kind of adorable.
posted by rikschell at 7:44 PM on December 18 [12 favorites]
Every time I fall in love with the world because it contains something beautiful and transcendent, the word reminds me that it is totally uncaring about my existence AT BEST. Most things in the universe are actively trying to kill us. Civilization is an attempt to stop this, however flawed.
So let your heart love civilization and love the world, but know you are going to get hurt. Know you are going to get dumped but love anyway. You aren't going to fix them, but you can help a few people along the way. And a few people can help you.
If you live too much inside yourself, life is usually going to look like a tragedy. If you try to pull back a little and take some perspective, you might be able to see the comedy a little. We want things to make sense but we end up looking like a dog wearing a hat: senseless and ridiculous, but kind of adorable.
posted by rikschell at 7:44 PM on December 18 [12 favorites]
People say their pets help. Mine helps me in a different way. I look at my cat and realize that she has never accomplished anything and nothing she does has "mattered." And who cares? I am still thankful for her presence. She's perfect in her uselessness. If she can exist for no reason, so can I.
posted by tofu_crouton at 3:49 AM on December 19 [13 favorites]
posted by tofu_crouton at 3:49 AM on December 19 [13 favorites]
The comments here to your question have been amazing. Nthing mindfulness, and making, rather than finding, meaning in your life.
I remember watching an interview years ago with some tech bro where he was pontificating on how his latest bit of code about something will "change the world". Next to him was an historian. They asked the historian what, in his mind, were some things that "changed the world". He mentioned water and sewage treatment.
I have never forgotten that exchange in keeping in mind the things in life that are important.
You are doing fine. You really are.
posted by jtexman1 at 5:30 AM on December 19 [2 favorites]
I remember watching an interview years ago with some tech bro where he was pontificating on how his latest bit of code about something will "change the world". Next to him was an historian. They asked the historian what, in his mind, were some things that "changed the world". He mentioned water and sewage treatment.
I have never forgotten that exchange in keeping in mind the things in life that are important.
You are doing fine. You really are.
posted by jtexman1 at 5:30 AM on December 19 [2 favorites]
This sounds like you're in your head rather than your body/heart. Somatic practices, mindfulness practices (as long as they're not focused on spiritual bypassing), or other body-focused practices where you feel what's happening in your self without telling a story about it or thinking your way out of it may be helpful.
posted by lapis at 7:01 AM on December 19 [4 favorites]
posted by lapis at 7:01 AM on December 19 [4 favorites]
Sometimes a bit of cheerful nihilism helps me through this. Nothing matters! Which means you can do whatever you want! And also that the fact that your efforts are a drop in the bucket - we're all cruising toward the heat death of the universe, baby!
Your mileage will definitely vary.
posted by momus_window at 7:36 AM on December 19 [1 favorite]
Your mileage will definitely vary.
posted by momus_window at 7:36 AM on December 19 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: I do in fact have a cat. While caring for him doesn’t fill me with a sense of purpose I wouldn’t think of not doing so. He does make me smile pretty much every day. Sometimes he sits on my chest and purrs.
I believe you may be right, Lapis, I am probably too much in my head and finding my way into my body would help. Doesn’t seem like a straightforward thing.
Thank you everyone for your kind and thoughtful answers.
posted by bunderful at 7:02 PM on December 19 [2 favorites]
I believe you may be right, Lapis, I am probably too much in my head and finding my way into my body would help. Doesn’t seem like a straightforward thing.
Thank you everyone for your kind and thoughtful answers.
posted by bunderful at 7:02 PM on December 19 [2 favorites]
It's more straightforward than you think! In addition to Zen practice as suggested above there are a lot of mindfulness/"being in the moment" exercises out there that can help you get more enjoyment out of life. They're not all silent/quiet/boring (my stereotype of them)! The trick is practicing keeping your focus on what you're doing, your physical sensations, and/or your thoughts without judging them or judging the world around you (or judging yourself when you judge!)
Good luck!
posted by knobknosher at 7:25 PM on December 19
Good luck!
posted by knobknosher at 7:25 PM on December 19
"Humanity knows nothing at all. There is no intrinsic value in anything, and every action is a futile, meaningless effort." - Masanobu Fukuoka, The One-Straw Revolution, 1978 [ full, free .pdf , less than 100 pages ]
This is my favorite book. This sentiment and joy are not mutually exclusive.
posted by droomoord at 4:42 AM on December 20 [2 favorites]
This is my favorite book. This sentiment and joy are not mutually exclusive.
posted by droomoord at 4:42 AM on December 20 [2 favorites]
I recommend Viktor Frankl's Man's Search for Meaning. Frankl was a Swiss psychiatrist who survived Auschwitz. In 1946 he published this book, which you can read in half a day. The first half recounts his Auschwitz experience. Then he details several ways that survivors founding purpose.
posted by neuron at 7:50 PM on December 24
posted by neuron at 7:50 PM on December 24
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posted by SPrintF at 3:00 PM on December 18 [13 favorites]