Help! I've fallen in love and I can't get up.
May 14, 2006 5:54 PM Subscribe
Lovefilter: how do I get over a girl while remaining close friends?
posted by scarylarry to Human Relations (37 answers total) 12 users marked this as a favorite
This is a long story, I'll try to confine it to an outline:
A few months before I graduated university, I met a hip, brilliant girl and we fell madly in love. It was like a shot for both of us. We'd never felt anything like this before with other people, though we'd both been in love several times. The summer went wonderfully and come September we decided to move in together. Over the course of the next six months, it became apparent that it was too early in the relationship to've done that. We still got on well as friends, but as lovers we became tense and eventually everything we did was so overloaded that the only thing that made sense was to break up. I moved out and LEFT THE COUNTRY for a couple of months.
In my time away we had frequent and satisfying contact by e-mail and instant messaging. Work called me back to her town, and when I arrived I hadn't begun to get over her. We met three times, and the physicality of our dynamic intensified with each meeting....never anything more than long, wet kisses, though. I kept asking if this was okay, she said "yes."
Today she tells me that, even though it feels natural to be affectionate with me, she doesn't love me romantically anymore and doesn't feel comfortable with the kissing. I take this very badly, as I had begun to believe we might get back together.
So, here is the issue: I love this person feverishly, and she is my best friend. She is more than up for a close friendship. I want that, too. But I don't know how to proceed, since when I spend time with her I feel an urge to be more romantically involved. Since this is the most important friendship in the world to me, I don't want to pull away completely--which is how I've gotten over relationships in the past. At the same time, I don't want to put on a happy face while harboring some hope that we might get back together down the line. That tack seems destined to hurt both of us.
Does anyone have any practical ideas for things we could do together to help make this transition easier? Also, can anyone list some things I might be able to tell her (or myself!) so that I feel honest with her but I am not hurting her (my current mode of expression is too heavy in the "I love you more than anything" area).
I am sorry this is so long, and yet somehow also so bereft of detail. I think also that what might not come across in this is the confusion we've both felt over the past few months: while she was pretty clear with me today, there has been a definite push/pull on both sides as to how to define our relatinoship. I'm happy to supply specifics if they'll help. Thank you!