How do I tell my mother-in-law-to-be that I've been married before?

May 10, 2006 6:28 PM

How do I tell my mother-in-law-to-be that I've been married before?

My fiancee and I have been together for nearly 4 years and she knows my situation, but her mother has never been told - and it's never come up...

But we're getting married later this year and I *know* that someone will make an off-the-cuff comment about my past. I'd like to address the subject with her because I'd hate it to be a blot on our wedding day.

How can I bring the subject up? Can I do the old "Oh! I've just realised that you probably don't know...." blah blah?

Trouble is, I don't want to make a big deal about it either....

Thoughts?

posted by paterg to human relations (13 comments total)

Why doesn't your fiancee tell her? Why hasn't she told her already?
posted by loquax at 6:32 PM on May 10, 2006

This should probably be something you and your fiancee do together. It will make it easier on future mom-in-law to know that her daughter is aware and ok with it.
posted by chiababe at 6:32 PM on May 10, 2006

This is your fiancee's responsibility, not yours. I wouldn't dream of asking a boyfriend to tell my mother about his past himself.
posted by clh at 6:51 PM on May 10, 2006

In my family, we call those "practice marriages." And nobody's ever freaked out about it. (I should probably be worried that we have a term for that, but folks were made aware, and folks moved on.) Is there a reason this might be a big deal?
posted by Emperor SnooKloze at 6:54 PM on May 10, 2006

I guess it's only a big deal from the perspective that we've been together for a long time and never mentioned it. And like everything, the longer you leave it, the harder it is... Bizarrely, I never even considered that my fiancee should do it! That probably comes from the fact that we lived with her parents for about 6 months whilst saving for a house - so I know her folks pretty well, and I guess that they feel they know me pretty well too...

Practice marriages has kind of a nice ring to it! Might have to use that...
posted by paterg at 7:05 PM on May 10, 2006

This is not hard. Sit her down, say you want her to be aware of certain things about her and then TELL HER. She can like or not like it, but it's not her issue, problem or concern. If she wants to make it her issue, problem or concern, then that's on her, meanwhile you and your wife should concentrate on having a nice life.

Life is short, quit sweating the small stuff.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 7:24 PM on May 10, 2006

Pardon my ignorance -- but why is this even an issue?
posted by davidmsc at 7:38 PM on May 10, 2006

but why is this even an issue?

Seconding this response. Are you not wearing a classic white dress? Is that going to cause some kind of scandal? Are you expecting whispers in the pews when you walk in wearing something non-virginal?

I don't mean to sound glib, but if you need to tell her, then just tell her. Otherwise, it's not really her business.
posted by frogan at 9:45 PM on May 10, 2006

I'll chime in agreement that this is, or should be, a complete non-issue. Is your future mother-in-law old-fashioned...like, to an insane degree? Does she scorn washing machines because they just can't beat a board, a bucket, and a little elbow grease?

I envy you...I wish that my life and relationships were so squeaky clean that I was only left with things like this to stress about.
posted by bingo at 11:46 PM on May 10, 2006

As others have pointed out, it may be a non-issue for her mother. But then again, she may be think (and you probably suspect this or you wouldn't have asked), "he walked out on his first wife, what's to stop him from walking out on my baby?"

If that's your concern, that's how you should present it to your mother-in-law-to-be: you were married before but it didn't work out (for whatever reason) but that won't happen again because (you're more mature now, you married to young, your first wife cheated on you, whatever).

You're right to suspect there are some folks out there who aren't as carefree about multiple marriages as the MeFi crowd. And you want to have a good relationship with this woman, so it is an issue.

Your fiancee has obviously made her peace with this - that's good. She can help reassure her mother. But first you need to tell her (the mom) why this time is different.
posted by zanni at 12:43 AM on May 11, 2006 [1 favorite has favorites]

I don't even see why the mother needs to know at all. What happened in your past is your business (you are your fiancee's) not hers. By all means, be honest about it if the subject comes up, but I wouldn't go out of my way to mention it. Presumably you haven't shown her your past tax reports, school report cards, or yearly job evaluations; all of those are as much your mother in laws concern as your past marriage. Which is to say it's none of her business at all.
posted by oddman at 9:12 AM on May 11, 2006

If you want her to know, tell her. Say "You do know I've been married before, don't you? I wasn't sure and wouldn't want you to be startled if you heard it elsewhere. " Have a wedding-related topic ready to change the subject to the next issue.
posted by theora55 at 10:44 AM on May 11, 2006

Ahh, the Starter Marriage. I think that paterg is wise to try and get this information across before the wedding, because it's not a big deal but appearing to have tried to hide it would be a big deal.

The fiancee needs to drop this information in a casual, passing manner, when you are not around paterg, so that MIL can respond without needing to censor herself for your benefit. Just some lighthearted story, "[paterg]'s first wife once tried that restaurant and it got a bad review," whatever, innocuous. And let it happen organically from there.
posted by Isabeau Sahen at 11:11 AM on May 11, 2006