RomanceFilter: Looking for romantic ideas to help g/f through stressful times

May 3, 2006 12:46 PM

RomanceFilter: Looking for romantic ideas to help g/f through stressful times ....so the stress doesn't kill our long distance relationship.

RomanceFilter: Looking for romantic ideas to help g/f through stressful times....so the stress doesn't kill our long distance relationship.

My g/f is at medical school across the country and she is unbelievable stressed out with school and studying. The stress is starting to take it's toll on her mental health and our relationship. If I were there with her this might not be such an issue, but when you don't see someone on a daily basis things just aren't the same....I can hear in her voice how much the stress is affecting her, and it really hurts me to hear her that way.

Can you guys give me some ideas on cute things I can get for her, or things I can do for her to help alleviate some stress and let he know she's on my mind constantly, and that i'm here for her?

posted by TheDude to human relations (27 comments total)

I had a long distance relationships and text messages really helped keeping that feeling that the persaon you care about is close by, even though they are not physically.
We would text maybe 20 to 30 times a day for any reason at all, really helped, at least on the girls side.
Send her packages at her home so when she comes home will find a suprise from you with some lingerie or a cool book you found, or an old shirt of yours that you know she loves.
Best of luck.
posted by sandrapbrady at 12:55 PM on May 3, 2006

A friend of mine has a l/d g/f in meds, and the best idea he had was to get a webcam for each of them. Not that expensive. He'll just be hanging out in his room doing stuff, she'll be studying, and they'll just leave it on, and chat with each other here and there. He loves it. I don't know if it solved all the problems they were having (similar to your own) but it certainly helped, and they're still going strong.
posted by Idiot Mittens at 12:57 PM on May 3, 2006

letters via the USPS. Flowers. Candy. Phone calls. A trip to the spa/massage therapist. (if you can spring for that)

Books might be a bit of a downer if she won't have time to read them, but maybe a trashy magazine that you know she likes or something else portable.
posted by bilabial at 12:58 PM on May 3, 2006

Buy her a gift certificate for a haircut and a massage. Send her a box with one of those hot/cold face masks, some nice lotion, maybe a little incense burner, some chocolate, and down at the bottom a gift certificate.

This would make me love someone.
posted by fuzzbean at 12:59 PM on May 3, 2006

I'm in a long-distance relationship. I second or third the care package. It's always nice to get something in the mail. I don't do it enough, but it always earns major points.

I'm not so sure about the webcam/chat apps. I find that while you communicate more, the quality of communication goes way down with things like MSN or Skype unless you set aside time to really talk. Yeah the webcam could be great, provided that it's used like a phone. If I just had it on all day, it'd be annoying and constraining.
posted by jimmythefish at 1:11 PM on May 3, 2006

Revive the lost art of writing letters
posted by minkll at 1:13 PM on May 3, 2006

I'd suggest an open appointment for an aromatherapy massage or some other spa treatment rather than a love letter or a romantic gift. Focus on her stress and not on your own relationship fear. Try and imagine she's a very good friend and not your lover and do something you'd do for that friend. Something selfless that is genuinely about her troubled mind and not about yours. That's the thing that will work and ultimately shine through for her.
posted by brautigan at 1:49 PM on May 3, 2006

I second minkll's letter writing idea. E-mail, phone calls, webcams, all that stuff is great, but there is just nothing like the romance of tracing your finger over the handwritten words, "I love you."
posted by JanetLand at 1:55 PM on May 3, 2006

All excellent suggestions. It's sweet that you're asking for them in the first place. LDR - been there. It ain't easy, but it can be worth it. Here are a few ideas - take them with a grain of salt :)

- letters and cards always help - the cards especially you can pick up a bunch of at once and just send them at random intervals to know she's being thought of (One never needs a reason to send a card - the unexpectedness really makes the 'saw this and thought of you' thing really nice). You can always stick things in the card - little newspaper articles, things you know she likes - make it a mini care package.

- ask her if there's anything she needs - any concrete things you can buy for her that she hasn't had time to do. Let's say she has no time to shop for socks and she mentioned, 'geez, I gotta pick up some new sports socks...' Send them in a care package - that type of thing. Care packages with a mix of romantic items and practical items are always good :)

-See if you guys can plan for a little vacation once you set a date when she can take one - even if it's just hanging out in her city staying at a hotel, a little mini-romantic vacation can do wonders.

-It may be asking a lot for a guy do do arts and crafty things, but if you can and she likes them, do it. Draw, create anything that she can open up and see throughout her day. Even if it's setting up a free dorky web site saying I love you... you're going for sentiment, not the final perfect arts project here :) Doing something creative inspired by somebody else is a lovely romantic gesture. It doesn't have to be perfect - speaking from the heart is enough. My significant other wrote a poem after our first date, and he's NOT a poet, and it wasn't Shakespeare - but the unexpectedness touched me deeply, and I would look at it whenever I missed him. We ended up married, so I guess it worked ;)

Hope this helps. Good luck - let us know how it all goes. And kudos for asking in the first place. Nice to see there are still romantics out there ;)
posted by rmm at 2:09 PM on May 3, 2006

During times of stress it's always the griding burden of chores that get to me. I tend to skimp on meals and let the laundry pile up.

You could have a nice meal delivered to her door. Some restaurants have internet ordering or you can pay over the phone and have it delivered. You could also try finding a maid service to help her tidy up or pay for laundry service. She'll thank you for the extra free time.
posted by Alison at 2:09 PM on May 3, 2006

you're so sweet! I definitely vote for the care package idea, maybe even a few of these--send something small but special once a month, something that she can look forward to getting. Letters are good, but if you're at all photographically inclined, you could send some cute, current pix of yourself as well. Be as naughty as you wanna be.

I once surprised the hell out of a long distance relationship I was in by showing up unexpectedly at his doorstep. He was awed by the romantic gesture, but had a lot of free time, too, so ymmv.
posted by missmobtown at 2:10 PM on May 3, 2006

Buy her a gift certificate for a haircut and a massage at a place you know she loves. Or a place that is extremely convenient to either school or home, and looks nice. Women are picky about where they get their hair/massage/manicure/pedicure/facial/etc. A place that gave her a bad haircut wouldn't be much of a treat - would add stress. And an unhygienic place for the massage/manicure/pedicure/facial would be unpleasant in its own way. But I love the idea - she needs help de-stressing.
posted by Amizu at 2:11 PM on May 3, 2006

DATE IN A BOX - Send her a package with a new movie that you both want to see, a bag of microwave popcorn, a packet of her favorite kool-aid flavor, and a 250 minute calling card. Include a date and time, have her call you, start the movie at the same time, eat the popcorn, discuss, enjoy.
posted by bjork24 at 2:14 PM on May 3, 2006

What Alison said. Great idea. I also like missmobtown's idea of something monthly that she can count on - monthly flowers, monthly bottle of wine, monthly magazines even.
posted by Amizu at 2:18 PM on May 3, 2006

In my long distance relationship, I loved the mix CDs he sent me. I could listen to them while working, driving, etc. but it constantly made me think of him.

How about reading her a love letter and putting it on the end of a mix CD or similar?

I sent random postcards -- some weeks, lots, some weeks just one or two.

And don't underestimate the power of the cliched random flower delivery.
posted by Gucky at 2:45 PM on May 3, 2006

This thread also has some nice ideas.

If you can, try to do something that will make her laugh. Laughing is a wonderful way to decrease stress levels.

I would also encourage her to take a walk outside for at least 15 minutes every day. I did this when I was studying for my comprehensive exams in grad school, and I was amazed at how a little fresh air and exercise helped me relax and clear my head.
posted by sotalia at 2:46 PM on May 3, 2006

Dump her.

On second thought, flowers always worked for me when I was in a long distance relationship. Basically, anything with some sort of surprise component will make her day. Just don't let slip that it is coming.
posted by Loto at 2:48 PM on May 3, 2006

As someone who went through this (one in Australia, one in US), I would have loved to have done the webcam idea (timing issues made it hard).

One of the things that my partner and I noticed about long-distance relationship is the lack of everyday chat. When you are talking on the phone, there is sometimes the pressure to have big conversations, which is good. But there's a lot in a relationship that isn't "big". Having webcams like Idiot Mittens' friend and his partner did, I think, would allow some normalcy in the relationship.

Also, bjork24's suggestion of watching the same movie at the same time is a good one.
posted by naturesgreatestmiracle at 2:48 PM on May 3, 2006

As someone who went to medical school I have a couple of pieces of advice. First, it is an absolute killer on relationships outside of medical school. The whole process is. Med school, internship, and residency. It's no joke. So you'll have to tolerate the long hours apart from her while she's at the hospital. Even now, a couple of years out of school (and still in an easy residency) I only have a couple of close friends outside of medicine I just don't have the time for it. We doctors are an insular bunch.

1. She needs to study a lot. Don't get in the way of that. If she is too tired to talk, you'll probably have to let it slide. I studied 4+ hours a day during the week and 6+ on the weekends. For two years straight. (Then third/fourth year you spend all of that time at the hospital, so it's even worse, because you're responsible to your superiors then). That's some goddamn stress. The last thing I felt like doing was talking on the phone.

2. Encourage her to make friends at her school. The best thing about the first two years of medical school is the commisseration that occurs between you and your classmates as you study. Spending 7 days a week at the library for 6+ hours a day with these folks plus lectures makes you very fast friends. Don't let your jealously kill her chance to get real support from those going through it together. You should encourage her to make some study partners (even if they are guys), and to go out when the others are going out (fair amount of partying for obvious reasons).

3. Be especially supportive at the test times. These are by far the most stressful parts of school. I don't know about her school, but we took tests about every 3-4 weeks. We got drunk with about the same frequency. Sometimes I think I have PTSD about some of those tests.

Anyways, it's easy to make it work if you are really supportive of her needs, and may have to sacrifice some relationship time for a couple of years. Lots of my classmates had serious relationships during school, some failed, but most worked.
posted by i_am_a_Jedi at 3:34 PM on May 3, 2006

i_am_a_Jedi covered it better, but I wanted to emphasize that if she's that stressed and busy, gifts that require a huge time commitment might not be the best (even manicures take almost an hour). Long phone calls, as nice as it might be to hear from you, might be a time burden that's adding to her stress, you know?

It might be most romantic and helpful to tell her that she can ignore you for a while if she needs to, and you won't get resentful or hurt (you have to follow-up on that promise, too!).

Of course things like care packages and letters are great, with low time and energy required on the receiver's part. Just make sure that whatever you send or do isn't just adding to her To Do list.
posted by occhiblu at 3:44 PM on May 3, 2006

A great stress break can definitely be suprises like the above (what stressed out student doesn't adore care packages??) but having something familiar to look forward to every week was also a relief to me during my studies. For instance, my fellow and I had a weekly Lost date, when we would watch a downloaded episode together over skype. It was like two treats in one! A ridiculous, fun brain break and having him along with me during a completely normal, pedestrian thing like watching television. Very relaxing hour each week.

I also totally agree with i_am_a_Jedi, speaking as the female student who's just now graduated from the studies that kept me and my fellow apart for four years. She will have times when she just. cannot. talk. right. now. and you need to respect her need to destress in her own space sometimes. She loves you, and she knows you love her. Being reminded and supported is awesome, being smothered is not (I know you have all this figured out already, I just know I needed the reminder myself sometimes)

I can think of some other threads on similar topics, which I encourage you to read!
posted by nelleish at 3:50 PM on May 3, 2006

Cookies by mail are a guaranteed hit -- try a place like Dancing Deer, or somewhere local to you. She can share them with study groups or with the nurses if she's at that stage.
posted by mozhet at 5:34 PM on May 3, 2006

Packages can entail a trip to the Post Office / UPS, so watch out for that. Flowers may not be good (even putting flowers in water can feel like a hassle when you're super-stressed, plus they mold before you were barely home to see them).

I'd think about what fits into the daily routine. When I was getting 4 hours of sleep every night for grad school, showering and exercising were the few times I still felt human. So, nice Aveda shower soap-lotion?

Jewelry (even silly jewelry) could be like taking you with her as good luck on tests.

Postcards? Cards? Making her laugh? She probably needs some help laughing and keeping things light. :) I bet the best thing you can do for her is to hang in there while she's too stressed to be anything but totally self-absorbed (like grad school made me).
posted by salvia at 6:12 PM on May 3, 2006

I second the idea of sending dinner -- either from a nearby restaurant or something that she can easily prepare herself (like something from Artiko or, better yet, a whole week's worth of meals from alaZing -- I linked to more sites offering ready made meals here.).

The massage is a great idea, too - but if she's really feeling overwhelmed and pressed for time, she might not actually book it -- so don't spend the money unless you know she has time to use it.

I also think she'd appreciate plenty of cards, letters, flowers, or care packages/baskets (you could get something from the Popcorn Factory or Harry & David). You might also think about candles or bath products to help her relax.
posted by roundrock at 7:51 PM on May 3, 2006

Tangible is good. More than an e-mail or a phone call, having something to see, touch, hold that reminds you someone cares about you. I was sent the most beautiful roses once - I loved them. The card said simply this:

"Eleyna, I love you more than I can possibly tell you. And I felt like I should do something nice for you. Love, John*"

It was so simple, but so sincere. I carried that card with me for a long, long time.



*names have been changed to protect the innocent. Or something.
posted by eleyna at 12:06 AM on May 4, 2006

I've done the movie date thing, except in our case we actually went to the cinema (and so couldn't talk on the phone meanwhile). What was a matinee for me in San Francisco was the late-night showing in Germany. Afterward we chatted over the phone about the film.

Actually think the way it's suggested here seems more fun/romantic.

I sent her care packages with mix CDs, photo albums, and things like lotions I knew she liked. Also sent her a book I knew she was dying to read -- gave her something to look forward to on the other side of the date for turning in her thesis.

We also had coffee dates where we'd meet on the phone. I'd go to someplace pretty (e.g. Dolores Park) with a thermos of Joe, and she'd call me and I'd describe the view & we'd pretend we were together. Or the other way around, I'd call her cell when she was someplace pleasant.

We also sent text messages back and forth all the time, several a day. When I was working 22 hours a day to finish my thesis she'd send me little messages cheering me up in the middle of the night. I'd do the same, sending her something when I knew she was in some stressful or fun activity: right before she met with her professor, for example, or at 12:01 a.m. her time on her birthday.

By the way, for what it's worth, we didn't survive the LDR and are now broken up. Hope yours turns out with a happier ending.
posted by donpedro at 1:58 PM on May 4, 2006 [1 favorite]

i liked watching things together on the phone/over aim. just funny stupid stuff. when i was in college and adult swim was still new, we'd watch the brak show together. good times.
posted by ifjuly at 1:05 PM on May 7, 2006