How does an introvert entertain an extrovert for the weekend?

May 3, 2006 12:10 PM

I'm very introverted, I have a very extroverted friend who is spending the weekend... how can I remain a good host?

An old college buddy is coming to visit me (I live alone and have no friends in the area) and he has done so in past. He's staying for 2 nights, which is actually 1 night more than I'd prefer, but he is making the trip so I can't complain.

In the past, my social battery starts waning after just one day of action -- his battery is charged by social activity. He's very flamboyant, privately and publically, which is fun, but as an introvert (who doesn't socialize much at all nowadays) it is taxing. I don't want to get grumpy; I think I may have been during his last visit. He actually got upset with me because I didn't want to go out "clubbing" with him and seems oblivious to my introversion.

Can anyone relate and share tips/strategies for such events? He was my best (and only, other than girlfriend) friend in college and neither of us want our relationship to die. I'm not as "fun" as I used to be, maybe age has dulled me, but he's 2 years older than me, so it's not a good excuse!

posted by jacobjacobs to human relations (16 comments total)

Well, what about being totally frank? If he is a nice person, just tell him to take it esay and fun on his own for a while because your not use to all-day-action. If his fine with it, he's your friend. If not, he's not really your friend.
posted by keijo at 12:22 PM on May 3, 2006

I've dealt with extreme extroverts who just fundamentally don't get it, so this may not work with your friend, but can you just be honest with him and say that you love spending time with him, but it's also a bit exhausting to be out and about so much, so you just need a few hours to nap/read/veg out with the TV/whatever? He's probably oblivious not because he doesn't care, but because he doesn't realize that other people are different from him. (I once got into a long argument with an extrovert who told me flat-out that it was "impossible" to be exhausted by spending time with people.)

Failing that, I tend to use the "running errands" excuse. "I need to run some errands, I'll see you in a couple hours, there's a cafe around the corner if you want to grab coffee or a drink while I'm gone." Another thing that might work is "I'm exhausted, I need to nap for a few hours" then shut yourself in your room and do whatever. If he's often out clubbing till all hours, naps are probably not a foreign concept for him!

Or how are you with shared introverted activities? I love going out with someone and then each reading our books or the newspaper at a cafe. It's kind of social, yet also kind of introvert-battery-recharging. Or maybe go see a movie, or rent a DVD, so you can zone out for a couple hours?
posted by occhiblu at 12:22 PM on May 3, 2006

*you're. Damn.

Anyway, what I meant was just to suggest that you tell him how you feel.
posted by keijo at 12:24 PM on May 3, 2006

Also, on the clubbing thing, if he's trying to push for those activities, are you encouraging him to go on his own? "I'm exhausted, but you should totally go!" can often push higher-energy friends into doing what they want to do while also giving you a break from the action.
posted by occhiblu at 12:24 PM on May 3, 2006

By going out clubbing, he probably really means just going out. Which is what you should do. Take him somewhere to hang out where you and he can be together, but there are also other people. Like a busy coffeeshop, or a bar that's quiet enough for you but populated enough for him. Pick one or two places in your area that you know are popular but that you have never bothered to go yourself, and decide that going with your friend is as good a time as any. Set some boundaries early on if you like, e.g. "Okay, there's this place that's not far from me and it's pretty popular, but I'm not sure how much I'm going to like it, so let's just say we're going to play it by ear, but don't be mad if I want to leave after one drink, okay?"

The main thing is this. He wants to feel like he did something in the area besides just sit in your apartment. He wants to be able to get a feel for what kind of place it is, and what kind of people are there, and despite not having a social life, you can be a friend to him by allowing him to have that experience.
posted by bingo at 12:24 PM on May 3, 2006

Make an attempt to meet him halfway on his interests - if he wants to go clubbing propose a popular bar where people can still talk, or going to see some live music. You won't have to deal with other people in either context, they'll just be around. Rather than fob him off show enthusiasm and negotiate the possibilities. What are all the things that have occurred to you that you might do if you had a friend along but wouldn't otherwise? Tell him as in 'I have been really looking forward to going to x with someone else - now that you're here you are the lucky one who gets to do it with me.'

Your previous post makes its sound like it this might be a challenge - but it sounds that way no matter.
posted by anglophiliated at 12:24 PM on May 3, 2006

Ask him to read Caring for your introvert, and explain to him that constant socializing is taxing for you, not invigorating. Schedule down time for yourself during his visit. Maybe make arrangments for him to socialize with others during your downtime.

I suspect that back in college, you weren't aware of the aspects of introverts and extroverts--also, that you were more extroverted back then. That's an awareness that you've come to since you hung out with your friend. In which case, educating him on how you see your personality now is a good thing to try.
posted by tippiedog at 12:25 PM on May 3, 2006

what bingo said - i should have previewed
posted by anglophiliated at 12:30 PM on May 3, 2006

I've dealt with this before. I find it helps to have other people "take over" for a while so I can get some downtime. You say you don't have other friends nearby, so this might be difficult, but if you can find a way to help your friend meet other locals, both of your will be happier—especially if you can skip out at least part of the time.
posted by mbrubeck at 12:40 PM on May 3, 2006

Are you the type of introvert who can pretend to be extroverted for some predetermined short length of time? If so, do lots of introverted-type stuff the week before he comes, then just suck it up for the weekend, and go all out.

Another idea would be to find someone to share the entertainment load with you. Do you have any friends or family or even coworkers that might get along well with your old buddy? Invite them along on your first night's outing. Maybe they will all get friendly enough with each other that they won't mind if you make it an early evening.

On meeting him halfway - go out and do the town on Friday, then plan something more low-key (museum? art gallery? ball game if you like sports?) for Saturday.

I second the idea of requesting a break during the day, and giving him ideas on what to do on his own.
posted by SuperSquirrel at 12:48 PM on May 3, 2006

Ask him to read Caring for your introvert

Oh, come on, you don't ask a house guest to do homework before visiting. Just 1) try to arrange for excursions that aren't too draining for you and 2) make sure you have at least some time for yourself.
posted by languagehat at 1:41 PM on May 3, 2006

I've had this problem both as a visitor and as a host. I attribute it to needing to be 'always on' when I'm around guests/being a guest, and I've had success explaining to people that I have difficulty being "on" (with people, doing things) all the time and need some breaks and time alone to recharge my batteries. I emphasized to one person that she and I work a little differently, so while it probably wasn't something that would have occurred to her, it was important for me.
posted by needs more cowbell at 2:38 PM on May 3, 2006

Museums (fine art, pop culture, history, aquariums, zoos, anything) can be a good middle ground. You're both gazing upon/watching the same thing and sharing the time spent, but you don't have to be the source of entertainment. Because the enormous freaking shark is doing a fine job on his own, thanks.

Out-of-town guests are the perfect excuse, too, to go see 'tourist' stuff.
posted by desuetude at 4:04 PM on May 3, 2006

You could be vague if you need to leave a crowded place or an uncomfortable situation. Just explain that you aren't feeling well. You are under no obligation to explain why in any detail. Perhaps just the idea that you have an out will shore you up enough to be willing to go out.

When I'm not sure if I want to be social, I keep an "out" in mind. I also pace myself, and take little breaks (with a book, a quick break outside, &c.).

If you live in a big city, maybe one of the theatres plays midnight movies. We have one here that does. That could be a way to bond late at night, and then you could go for coffee afterwards.
posted by bleary at 6:15 PM on May 3, 2006

Other ways to get out of the apartment in an introvert-friendly way... Go out to a movie? Take a car tour?
posted by salvia at 6:25 PM on May 3, 2006

Quote: "I've had this problem both as a visitor and as a host. I attribute it to needing to be 'always on' when I'm around guests/being a guest, and I've had success explaining to people that I have difficulty being "on" (with people, doing things) all the time and need some breaks and time alone to recharge my batteries."

Exactly why I always have a better time when I stay in a hotel than with certain friends and family members. I need some "me" time where I don't have to be ultra polite. Not that I'm normally rude, it's just that sometimes you need a little time away from having to be vigilant about your manners.
posted by IndigoRain at 5:57 AM on May 4, 2006