My mom hated being a mom. How can I become a mom?
May 22, 2023 2:53 PM Subscribe
My mom didn't like being a mom, and it's a mental block in my own path to motherhood. (I am not pregnant but am considering it within the next 1-2 years.)
I think both of my parents, but especially my mother, really didn't find parenthood all that fun or rewarding. While they really tried their best and cared for me in all the ways they knew how, I get the sense that my mom feels like she missed out on life because of her kids, and that we really dragged her down / took away all her freedom. My mother is either lukewarm about me or sort of dislikes me as a person. There was no proverbial gleam in her eye for me, or I think for any of my siblings (except maybe my brother) growing up. I was criticized all the time growing up, and I think my parents still have the impression/support the narrative that I'm bad at life even though I truly think I have actually done pretty well. My dad has explicitly told me that he thinks my mother would not help me if I were to have kids, and my sister's sense of the situation is similar- that my mother wouldn't help her, either. Over the years, both of my parents have outright advised me to not have kids.
My dad who *did* have the gleam in his eye and really does love me, emphasizes how insanely challenging it is to be a parent, and how nobody can really understand what it is like until they are a parent themselves. Fine - I can accept that. But I feel like combined with my mother's attitude and the other above messages, it almost just feels like further reinforcement of how my parents both really don't want to see me have kids.
I am in a very loving and happy marriage and I think we would enjoy fostering a loving environment for a kid. We are in a good place in life and materially. I think I would like to be a mother. My in-laws would be overjoyed to become grandparents and would definitely want to be involved.
I think my father innately loves children and he might soften up once there's actually a child in front of him. There's also a chance that he might keep his distance in order to support my mother over me. My parents live in another state anyway and they do not seem to be that interested in being any closer to me (when I entertained a job change to be closer to them they did not express any enthusiasm at all and advised me against it). I think if they did eventually move closer to me it would be because they need help from me.
I feel like there's so much to think about with becoming a parent, but this is in a way the biggest block. The logistics seem minor compared to this. I can't even imagine announcing the birth of my hypothetical child to my parents... I think they'd just be like "....oh." I feel like it's not just that - it's that I won't even have anybody to look to for advice or emotional support in this process. My in-laws are great but we have a language barrier. I do have one aunt who might be supportive or at least not cold about it. I honestly feel like crying as I type this question.
Has anybody here become a parent, especially a mother, with less-than-excited grandparents (especially grandmothers)? How did you approach it and how did it evolve as your child grew?
"Cut them off"-type advice is not helpful or culturally congruent with my situation here.
I think both of my parents, but especially my mother, really didn't find parenthood all that fun or rewarding. While they really tried their best and cared for me in all the ways they knew how, I get the sense that my mom feels like she missed out on life because of her kids, and that we really dragged her down / took away all her freedom. My mother is either lukewarm about me or sort of dislikes me as a person. There was no proverbial gleam in her eye for me, or I think for any of my siblings (except maybe my brother) growing up. I was criticized all the time growing up, and I think my parents still have the impression/support the narrative that I'm bad at life even though I truly think I have actually done pretty well. My dad has explicitly told me that he thinks my mother would not help me if I were to have kids, and my sister's sense of the situation is similar- that my mother wouldn't help her, either. Over the years, both of my parents have outright advised me to not have kids.
My dad who *did* have the gleam in his eye and really does love me, emphasizes how insanely challenging it is to be a parent, and how nobody can really understand what it is like until they are a parent themselves. Fine - I can accept that. But I feel like combined with my mother's attitude and the other above messages, it almost just feels like further reinforcement of how my parents both really don't want to see me have kids.
I am in a very loving and happy marriage and I think we would enjoy fostering a loving environment for a kid. We are in a good place in life and materially. I think I would like to be a mother. My in-laws would be overjoyed to become grandparents and would definitely want to be involved.
I think my father innately loves children and he might soften up once there's actually a child in front of him. There's also a chance that he might keep his distance in order to support my mother over me. My parents live in another state anyway and they do not seem to be that interested in being any closer to me (when I entertained a job change to be closer to them they did not express any enthusiasm at all and advised me against it). I think if they did eventually move closer to me it would be because they need help from me.
I feel like there's so much to think about with becoming a parent, but this is in a way the biggest block. The logistics seem minor compared to this. I can't even imagine announcing the birth of my hypothetical child to my parents... I think they'd just be like "....oh." I feel like it's not just that - it's that I won't even have anybody to look to for advice or emotional support in this process. My in-laws are great but we have a language barrier. I do have one aunt who might be supportive or at least not cold about it. I honestly feel like crying as I type this question.
Has anybody here become a parent, especially a mother, with less-than-excited grandparents (especially grandmothers)? How did you approach it and how did it evolve as your child grew?
"Cut them off"-type advice is not helpful or culturally congruent with my situation here.
Enthusiastic grandparents-to-be are not as big a phenomenon as you might think. Please don’t go into this venture expecting free childcare from even *half* of your relatives.
Please line up paid childcare beforehand.
posted by BostonTerrier at 3:31 PM on May 22, 2023 [25 favorites]
Please line up paid childcare beforehand.
posted by BostonTerrier at 3:31 PM on May 22, 2023 [25 favorites]
I am not a parent, I am a doting auntie to multiple children. Only one of them is related to me by blood.
A therapist might help you separate your fears around mothering (if my mother didn't like parenting me, will my child be unloved?) and the matter of your mother not being supportive emotionally or physically (plenty of people become parents after their own parents have passed, or have parents living on another continent who provide no support).
You say you are afraid "I won't even have anybody to look to for advice or emotional support in this process", but that does not need to come from your own mother. Part of being a successful parent is building your village. Is it childless friends who would love an opportunity to build a relationship with your kid? Is it other parents in your neighborhood who would trade babysitting, hand down clothes, or commiserate over kids who just keep screaming? Is it paid help who will take care of your child and home? Everyone has a different situation but most everyone figures it out in their own way.
posted by Narrow Harbor at 3:45 PM on May 22, 2023 [19 favorites]
A therapist might help you separate your fears around mothering (if my mother didn't like parenting me, will my child be unloved?) and the matter of your mother not being supportive emotionally or physically (plenty of people become parents after their own parents have passed, or have parents living on another continent who provide no support).
You say you are afraid "I won't even have anybody to look to for advice or emotional support in this process", but that does not need to come from your own mother. Part of being a successful parent is building your village. Is it childless friends who would love an opportunity to build a relationship with your kid? Is it other parents in your neighborhood who would trade babysitting, hand down clothes, or commiserate over kids who just keep screaming? Is it paid help who will take care of your child and home? Everyone has a different situation but most everyone figures it out in their own way.
posted by Narrow Harbor at 3:45 PM on May 22, 2023 [19 favorites]
Why would you want advice and emotional support from your parents on this topic, if they did not have a good experience themselves? You can use friends for that.
posted by xo at 3:45 PM on May 22, 2023 [29 favorites]
posted by xo at 3:45 PM on May 22, 2023 [29 favorites]
This is so hard. The good news is that you will get to invent the kind of mother you want to be! The bad news is that the experience of your mother's ambivalence/indifference will not improve amid cultural messaging (see: Mother's Day) and the well-meant comments ("I bet the grandparents are thrilled!").
I won't even have anybody to look to for advice or emotional support in this process is something that you are going to have to come to terms with by finding it in places other than the culturally-expected (and personally hoped-for) place. It's a loss, and you are going to grieve it. But the community you build around having a child will help.
Knowing that you are changing the parent-child relationship will help. You have the choice to light up when you see your child's face in a way that you, yourself, did not get. And you will have to prepare yourself for those inevitable times you screw up as a parent, and wonder how your mother's influence lingers. I promise that if and when you have a child, that child will take up most of the energy you have been spending on mourning an indifferent mother/grandmother.
Previously. MeMail me if you want to talk; I've been there.
posted by MonkeyToes at 3:48 PM on May 22, 2023 [5 favorites]
I won't even have anybody to look to for advice or emotional support in this process is something that you are going to have to come to terms with by finding it in places other than the culturally-expected (and personally hoped-for) place. It's a loss, and you are going to grieve it. But the community you build around having a child will help.
Knowing that you are changing the parent-child relationship will help. You have the choice to light up when you see your child's face in a way that you, yourself, did not get. And you will have to prepare yourself for those inevitable times you screw up as a parent, and wonder how your mother's influence lingers. I promise that if and when you have a child, that child will take up most of the energy you have been spending on mourning an indifferent mother/grandmother.
Previously. MeMail me if you want to talk; I've been there.
posted by MonkeyToes at 3:48 PM on May 22, 2023 [5 favorites]
This is a familiar situation to me. You don’t need to cut them off, but you need to internally separate. It feels a little like you are seeking approval from them to have children, but why? You are an adult who is in a healthy and happy and loving relationship—no small feat and you did that, you didn’t fall into it. And now you get to pick the next direction of your life. Yes, of course it will hurt if they don’t act excited and of course it will hurt if/when you don’t get the support you need and deserve from your parents. And yes, the hurt from knowing your mother hated motherhood will always live in you in some way. But please do not let that stop you from carrying out your adult life—that doesn’t mean you have to have kids, but it means making that decision from adult you, not child you who wasn’t supported when you should have been. Therapy is wonderful for exploring all of this, and if you’re not in it, start looking into it now so you can start exploring this now, because it will rear its head if/when you have kids. That happens for so many of us.
And also agree about lining up paid childcare, or making the financial choices to get there. If your parents surprise you with their support, great. But I wouldn’t go into it expecting that at all. They’ve shown what they can give (and again you will probably be surprised in both good and bad ways if you do have children).
And support, emotional advice?—there are SO many resources that are not your parents. You will have to work harder to get there, but don’t let that be a reason to stop you from doing something you want.
posted by namemeansgazelle at 3:48 PM on May 22, 2023 [8 favorites]
And also agree about lining up paid childcare, or making the financial choices to get there. If your parents surprise you with their support, great. But I wouldn’t go into it expecting that at all. They’ve shown what they can give (and again you will probably be surprised in both good and bad ways if you do have children).
And support, emotional advice?—there are SO many resources that are not your parents. You will have to work harder to get there, but don’t let that be a reason to stop you from doing something you want.
posted by namemeansgazelle at 3:48 PM on May 22, 2023 [8 favorites]
So, what I thought of while reading your question was how when my mom had me, her in-laws were both dead, and her parents were physically and mentally incapacitated from old age/medical complications. I'm sure her parents would have been excited about me, had they had working memories - but information pretty much went in and then out of their heads by that point. So, my parents had zero support from their parents. What they did have was lots of support from friends - practically half my baby photos feature other adults.
Which is sorta an indirect way that I'd encourage you to separate out how your parents will feel about you having a child, and how you feel about having a child. And what's most important is not what your parents feel/want, its what you and your partner feel/want. Presumably you do some things your parents are lukewarm (or worse) about, but you do them because you really want to do them- why is having a kid different? How much is this is really that you're worried your mom's lukewarm attitude toward parenting is something you're bound to inherit? (You obvious are not doomed to become your mom, but it sorta sounds like you are worried about this). I agree it might help to talk to someone about this - ideally a therapist, but at least can your partner and you have some conversations about why you want to have kids? Or why you're maybe unsure?
posted by coffeecat at 3:50 PM on May 22, 2023 [5 favorites]
Which is sorta an indirect way that I'd encourage you to separate out how your parents will feel about you having a child, and how you feel about having a child. And what's most important is not what your parents feel/want, its what you and your partner feel/want. Presumably you do some things your parents are lukewarm (or worse) about, but you do them because you really want to do them- why is having a kid different? How much is this is really that you're worried your mom's lukewarm attitude toward parenting is something you're bound to inherit? (You obvious are not doomed to become your mom, but it sorta sounds like you are worried about this). I agree it might help to talk to someone about this - ideally a therapist, but at least can your partner and you have some conversations about why you want to have kids? Or why you're maybe unsure?
posted by coffeecat at 3:50 PM on May 22, 2023 [5 favorites]
Hi, person who apparently shared my parents. My kid is 20. My parents were not any better as grandparents than they were as parents, tbh, and my father was quite a bit worse as a grandfather than he was as a dad. Not only that, unlike you, I was kind of ambivalent about becoming a parent. And my in laws died before I could meet them, so they couldn't show my son what a grandparent could be, either.
BUT my partner was very into the idea of having a kid, and it turned out that actually having my son (and working on my own issues) made me a very enthusiastic, loving parent and my kid now describes his childhood as extremely happy and positive. He's a happy, successful grown person of whom I am very proud. My own grandparents were a huge positive influence in my life, and I do feel sad that he didn't get the same (and a little worried about the picture of aging that my parents have inadvertently taught him). But I just focused on what I could control: my own parenting, the context in which I raised him, the opportunities we as an immediate family could provide.
I had great grandparents and crappy parents. My kid had the reverse. If you had to pick, I think having great parents is more important, and nobody gets all perfect family relationships and life circumstances. Focus on becoming a great parent, and to the extent you can, let go of any expectations of your parents in your life now. You have done well for yourself. If they can't enjoy it -- if they can't enjoy their grandchildren, for crying out loud -- that is their loss, not yours or the baby's to come.
posted by shadygrove at 4:04 PM on May 22, 2023 [21 favorites]
BUT my partner was very into the idea of having a kid, and it turned out that actually having my son (and working on my own issues) made me a very enthusiastic, loving parent and my kid now describes his childhood as extremely happy and positive. He's a happy, successful grown person of whom I am very proud. My own grandparents were a huge positive influence in my life, and I do feel sad that he didn't get the same (and a little worried about the picture of aging that my parents have inadvertently taught him). But I just focused on what I could control: my own parenting, the context in which I raised him, the opportunities we as an immediate family could provide.
I had great grandparents and crappy parents. My kid had the reverse. If you had to pick, I think having great parents is more important, and nobody gets all perfect family relationships and life circumstances. Focus on becoming a great parent, and to the extent you can, let go of any expectations of your parents in your life now. You have done well for yourself. If they can't enjoy it -- if they can't enjoy their grandchildren, for crying out loud -- that is their loss, not yours or the baby's to come.
posted by shadygrove at 4:04 PM on May 22, 2023 [21 favorites]
Sounds like you shouldn't entertain the idea, hope, or expectation they will at all want to engage with the baby, or might be averse to otherwise normal visits if it's around on the extreme end of things.
Babies have been raised on nothing since forever, so regardless of the financials here, the important part seems well established. You have a strong desire to not only be a parent, but to be a good and loving parent. You have the perfect model of what you would not like to be as a mother to your child. It's normal to fear being like your parents in certai nregards, and hell, sometimes you might struggle with it because that's how you were parented lol, but the fact you recognize it means you have a vested interest in overcoming those urges if/when they arise.
In short, seems like you will be a good parent someday who will raise a child who will feel loved and valued for their existence, as you wanted it all along.
p.s. I love my mom, she's amazing, but jesus christ -- her parents?? She's all the proof I ever needed that diamonds can come from crap.
posted by GoblinHoney at 4:21 PM on May 22, 2023 [1 favorite]
Babies have been raised on nothing since forever, so regardless of the financials here, the important part seems well established. You have a strong desire to not only be a parent, but to be a good and loving parent. You have the perfect model of what you would not like to be as a mother to your child. It's normal to fear being like your parents in certai nregards, and hell, sometimes you might struggle with it because that's how you were parented lol, but the fact you recognize it means you have a vested interest in overcoming those urges if/when they arise.
In short, seems like you will be a good parent someday who will raise a child who will feel loved and valued for their existence, as you wanted it all along.
p.s. I love my mom, she's amazing, but jesus christ -- her parents?? She's all the proof I ever needed that diamonds can come from crap.
posted by GoblinHoney at 4:21 PM on May 22, 2023 [1 favorite]
My Mom was totally over having kids when she had me and I got minimal parenting. She was not an engaged grandmother, for the most part; my Dad died well before I had a child. My MIL was a really good grandmother. FIL was an utter asshole. The grandparents all lived far away.
Having a support network makes a huge difference. Do your best to develop friendships with other Moms and other families with same age kids. For lots of reasons, I was largely on my own as a Mom, my ex was good at ducking responsibility, and my son had colic, then rarely slept even after the colic was better. Still, I loved being a Mom, read the books, paid attention, tried really hard, and would do it again. My Mom gave me a fair bit of bad advice (colic? try whiskey. You're nursing too much/ not enough) and was not a fantastic role model, but there are really good books, websites, etc. Being a good parent is about being loving, being present (literally) and taking the time to learn about best practices. There are many ways to express the love, many ways to be present.
When you consider becoming a parent, keep in mind that you may have a child with a disability, a mental health issue, twins, etc. There's needing support, then there's needing support.
I don't see that you expect grandparents to provide child care. Some do, but it's not fair to assume. But having a support network for when the child is sick and you're out of sick days, or when the babysitter flakes, and so many other scenarios, is amazing if you can have that.
posted by theora55 at 4:31 PM on May 22, 2023 [3 favorites]
Having a support network makes a huge difference. Do your best to develop friendships with other Moms and other families with same age kids. For lots of reasons, I was largely on my own as a Mom, my ex was good at ducking responsibility, and my son had colic, then rarely slept even after the colic was better. Still, I loved being a Mom, read the books, paid attention, tried really hard, and would do it again. My Mom gave me a fair bit of bad advice (colic? try whiskey. You're nursing too much/ not enough) and was not a fantastic role model, but there are really good books, websites, etc. Being a good parent is about being loving, being present (literally) and taking the time to learn about best practices. There are many ways to express the love, many ways to be present.
When you consider becoming a parent, keep in mind that you may have a child with a disability, a mental health issue, twins, etc. There's needing support, then there's needing support.
I don't see that you expect grandparents to provide child care. Some do, but it's not fair to assume. But having a support network for when the child is sick and you're out of sick days, or when the babysitter flakes, and so many other scenarios, is amazing if you can have that.
posted by theora55 at 4:31 PM on May 22, 2023 [3 favorites]
I raised three wonderful kids. We had minimal contact with grandparents for good reasons. What we did have was a community of unrelated friends and teachers (in my kids' schools) of all ages who helped me to raise them and be a better parent than my parents ever were. Don't let your parents determine whether you have kids or not. You and your partner need to make the decision, nobody else.
posted by mareli at 4:33 PM on May 22, 2023 [6 favorites]
posted by mareli at 4:33 PM on May 22, 2023 [6 favorites]
It is one of my most closely held beliefs that my own father’s lack of interest in parenting is the reason why I enjoy parenting so much myself. Having experienced being unwanted by a parent, I am determined never to let my kids feel that way. And I’ll be honest, whether it’s because of that attitude or what, parenting doesn’t seem that hard to me. It’s not easy, but it’s fun. Running a marathon is hard, but if you ask someone who loves running, they’ll tell you all about the joy and accomplishment they feel before they say anything about physical pain. There’s running a marathon hard and there’s working in a steel mill hard, and parenting is much more the former, at least for me.
Consider that part of the reason your dad thought parenting was so hard was because he had a partner who wasn’t a partner. Anything feels hard when one person has to do the work of two. Part of the reason parenting doesn’t feel hard to me is because my kids have two parents who are fully bought in, and so neither my wife nor I have to be do-it-all parents.
You don’t mention any siblings, but that also affects how hard it is. My mother-in-law is one of the “parenting is hard” people, but she had five kids in eight years. Of course that was hard. But it’s hard for my wife and me to apply her lessons to our own kids, because we only have two. We have an adult for each kid; we have exponentially more control than my MIL ever did.
My experience is that it’s pretty difficult to avoid building some kind of support system. Think about your co-workers. They might not be your best friends, but you have some affinity for them due to shared circumstances, and that translates into doing favors and the like. Other parents are like that - you see the same people at daycare every day, and gradually you become friendly. And because they know what you’re going through, they’ll offer to help out if you need it. I’m about as introverted as it gets, but we just moved yesterday, and we had half a dozen parent friends come to help, including one we hadn’t asked but had heard through the grapevine and just showed up ready to work. People know what’s up. And that’s assuming you don’t get support from your parents, which is not a certain assumption at all.
posted by kevinbelt at 4:49 PM on May 22, 2023 [4 favorites]
Consider that part of the reason your dad thought parenting was so hard was because he had a partner who wasn’t a partner. Anything feels hard when one person has to do the work of two. Part of the reason parenting doesn’t feel hard to me is because my kids have two parents who are fully bought in, and so neither my wife nor I have to be do-it-all parents.
You don’t mention any siblings, but that also affects how hard it is. My mother-in-law is one of the “parenting is hard” people, but she had five kids in eight years. Of course that was hard. But it’s hard for my wife and me to apply her lessons to our own kids, because we only have two. We have an adult for each kid; we have exponentially more control than my MIL ever did.
My experience is that it’s pretty difficult to avoid building some kind of support system. Think about your co-workers. They might not be your best friends, but you have some affinity for them due to shared circumstances, and that translates into doing favors and the like. Other parents are like that - you see the same people at daycare every day, and gradually you become friendly. And because they know what you’re going through, they’ll offer to help out if you need it. I’m about as introverted as it gets, but we just moved yesterday, and we had half a dozen parent friends come to help, including one we hadn’t asked but had heard through the grapevine and just showed up ready to work. People know what’s up. And that’s assuming you don’t get support from your parents, which is not a certain assumption at all.
posted by kevinbelt at 4:49 PM on May 22, 2023 [4 favorites]
It seems like there are three threads to untangle here.
1. How does your own childhood experiences prepare/impact you to be a parent? You seem to show a great deal of self-awareness and ability to separate your ability to parent from the example that was set for you. I can't tell you not to worry about it, but I think you can be confident that you are not going to be the same kind of parent as your parents were.
2. Will you have enough support in raising your child? As others have said, you should not expect to have the support of your parents and frankly, I don't think it's right for you to automatically expect it. Your parents are full human beings in their own right and even if they were the best parents in the world, they don't have to be baby sitters for you. Given the fact that you have two other siblings, that potential baby-sitting time could really add up. Many people don't live in the same city, state, country as their parents/grandparents and they figure it out.
3. Will your children have a loving relationship with their grandparents? Maybe? I think it's hard to tell. Maybe your parents will enjoy being grandparents more than they did being parents. Maybe being free of having all of the responsibility will allow them to relax and have fun with your kids. Of the four grandparents I had; I can really only say I had a close relationship/lots of interaction with one of them. I don't feel like I've suffered for lack of grand parenting.
posted by brookeb at 4:50 PM on May 22, 2023 [3 favorites]
1. How does your own childhood experiences prepare/impact you to be a parent? You seem to show a great deal of self-awareness and ability to separate your ability to parent from the example that was set for you. I can't tell you not to worry about it, but I think you can be confident that you are not going to be the same kind of parent as your parents were.
2. Will you have enough support in raising your child? As others have said, you should not expect to have the support of your parents and frankly, I don't think it's right for you to automatically expect it. Your parents are full human beings in their own right and even if they were the best parents in the world, they don't have to be baby sitters for you. Given the fact that you have two other siblings, that potential baby-sitting time could really add up. Many people don't live in the same city, state, country as their parents/grandparents and they figure it out.
3. Will your children have a loving relationship with their grandparents? Maybe? I think it's hard to tell. Maybe your parents will enjoy being grandparents more than they did being parents. Maybe being free of having all of the responsibility will allow them to relax and have fun with your kids. Of the four grandparents I had; I can really only say I had a close relationship/lots of interaction with one of them. I don't feel like I've suffered for lack of grand parenting.
posted by brookeb at 4:50 PM on May 22, 2023 [3 favorites]
Oh my goodness. While it is not uncommon for people to feel a drive to have children, having such a drive does not actually make someone a good parent. That's hormones, friends! You can absolutely make a cerebral decision to have a child and also be in such an emotional state that if for some reason children weren't in the cards (trouble conceiving, no ready partner, etc.) that you'd be okay and that is an okay way to be.
My husband and I were reticent to have children and had no plans to do so. Later in life we discovered we have softened our attitude and felt we would regret things if we did not have a child so we gave it a go. I was very worried we'd have trouble conceiving as I some in my circle had gone down that path. We discussed adoption but I didn't feel I could take a "kid would be nice but not a necessity" into the adoption world and have any luck getting a child. But, we did have a child and, despite many fears due to how I was raised, I'm a really good mom. I really, really am and my husband is a good father.
We have had no family help with our kid and that's part of why we just have the one child. All our family lives far away and nobody has ever offered any childcare. My kiddo sees her grandparents irregularly, maybe once per year and it's a nice visit but it's just a visit. The grandparents contribute nothing to any kind of college fund and nor have they ever helped us financially. It's a real bummer and we are insanely jealous of the friends we have who have good support from their family. But what we do have is a good network of friends and have made lots of connections to folks who we now regularly carpool with, trade kid sleepover nights or even travel with.
I think it would be lovely for you to go to therapy maybe even as a couple and talk about these fears. These fears are actually super normal and I suspect that you have a fear not just that your mom will be disdainful as a grandmother but that maybe you will be disdainful as a mother or feel trapped or whatever. It took me many years to come to terms with the fact that the circumstances that my parents faced and the way they rose or didn't to various challenges are different than the circumstances that I will face and I am not them and as a couple we do not have to be the way that they were. You are you. You can see how your childhood was lacking and this perception of a lack of mothering is painful and has given you some lasting trauma. That does not need to carry over into your adulthood as a parent. But, I only really worked through this in therapy. It was a heavy backpack to set down.
posted by amanda at 4:58 PM on May 22, 2023 [9 favorites]
My husband and I were reticent to have children and had no plans to do so. Later in life we discovered we have softened our attitude and felt we would regret things if we did not have a child so we gave it a go. I was very worried we'd have trouble conceiving as I some in my circle had gone down that path. We discussed adoption but I didn't feel I could take a "kid would be nice but not a necessity" into the adoption world and have any luck getting a child. But, we did have a child and, despite many fears due to how I was raised, I'm a really good mom. I really, really am and my husband is a good father.
We have had no family help with our kid and that's part of why we just have the one child. All our family lives far away and nobody has ever offered any childcare. My kiddo sees her grandparents irregularly, maybe once per year and it's a nice visit but it's just a visit. The grandparents contribute nothing to any kind of college fund and nor have they ever helped us financially. It's a real bummer and we are insanely jealous of the friends we have who have good support from their family. But what we do have is a good network of friends and have made lots of connections to folks who we now regularly carpool with, trade kid sleepover nights or even travel with.
I think it would be lovely for you to go to therapy maybe even as a couple and talk about these fears. These fears are actually super normal and I suspect that you have a fear not just that your mom will be disdainful as a grandmother but that maybe you will be disdainful as a mother or feel trapped or whatever. It took me many years to come to terms with the fact that the circumstances that my parents faced and the way they rose or didn't to various challenges are different than the circumstances that I will face and I am not them and as a couple we do not have to be the way that they were. You are you. You can see how your childhood was lacking and this perception of a lack of mothering is painful and has given you some lasting trauma. That does not need to carry over into your adulthood as a parent. But, I only really worked through this in therapy. It was a heavy backpack to set down.
posted by amanda at 4:58 PM on May 22, 2023 [9 favorites]
Let yourself cry. Let yourself grieve this - how they weren't there for you in the ways that you needed them to be, and aren't now, and probably won't be to the extent that you wish for a future child.
But - your worries about the support, it's truly the emotional support that you will be grieving, not the advice.
We often assume that grandparents will be a great source of advice for newborns, but for any other field - would you be relying on the advice of someone who last did something 30+ years ago? You wouldn't, right? It's amazing how much people forget, and a lot of advice has changed, even when grandparents are supportive, it turns out they've often entirely forgotten what happened when, and what is normal at what age!
So I think it would help you to reframe this as a different challenge:
One, to grieve the relationship you have with your parents, and acknowledge that *you will do it very differently*.
Two, to build a support network for yourself that does *not* involve your own parents - but finding current parents or parents to be in *your area*.
These are compatible goals, because - you want to do it differently, right? Which means you *want* different role models.
I have noticed that the parents who did best with newborns were those who managed to find a support circle of *other parents* - and this was often purely down to which antenatal class they went to, and whether it was one where people kept meeting afterwards - as opposed to one where the instructor put no effort into that.
You may be an introvert, but this is still the time to reach out and form connections with parents in your extended social circle.
Having kids is often a great way to join people who were previously strangers - take a look at antenatal classes, and Mums & Bubs networks in your area. Maybe make a plan that you will attend an antenatal class with the aim of building a support network, and if you don't click with anyone at the first one, that you will attend another until you do! Look at the options for meeting other families with newborns. A dad I knew ended up being part of a d&d group of dads who all had babies at about the same age, they would bring them along, and they're still meeting a dozen years later.
Other people in the same situation will be a goldmine of advice, and it may reassure you to start researching that *now*, and realise the number of groups that exist and start up every 3 months in your area, because that need for support is a very, very common and very human need. A *lot* of people don't live in the same areas as their family, AND don't have many friends with kids before they have one, and they are all in need of making connections with other parents, and you will be just one of them.
The reaching out to any extended acquaintances now who have kids, is a good thing also, because you are wanting to see how *other* people parent, and that will help your brain adjust to the idea of whether you can do this too.
You don't *want* your parents to be the role model of how you parent, because you are going to do BETTER than they did. You don't want advice from your actual mother, because you are going to do better than she has, but it's perfectly understandable that this brings up your grief of who you wish she had been *for you*.
And as hard as it is, it might help you grieve to look at all the ways you wish she had been different - not because you can change who she is now. And it's about her, you have always been deserving of love, as every child is, and you have been shown that other people love you strongly and that it's about her, not you, that she couldn't do that for you.
But try writing down what you wish had been different, and then ask -
Can I do this?
Is this reasonable or healthy for me to aim for, for myself as a parent?
Can I turn my longing for the mother I wish I had had, into my gameplan for the parent I will aim to be instead?
And while there is such a thing as overcompensating, I think you'll find that most of the things are just about showing your child that you love them, rather than spoiling them or failing to give them healthy boundaries, and being determined that you will do that yourself can make it clear that you have capacity that your mother didn't.
posted by Elysum at 5:10 PM on May 22, 2023 [4 favorites]
But - your worries about the support, it's truly the emotional support that you will be grieving, not the advice.
We often assume that grandparents will be a great source of advice for newborns, but for any other field - would you be relying on the advice of someone who last did something 30+ years ago? You wouldn't, right? It's amazing how much people forget, and a lot of advice has changed, even when grandparents are supportive, it turns out they've often entirely forgotten what happened when, and what is normal at what age!
So I think it would help you to reframe this as a different challenge:
One, to grieve the relationship you have with your parents, and acknowledge that *you will do it very differently*.
Two, to build a support network for yourself that does *not* involve your own parents - but finding current parents or parents to be in *your area*.
These are compatible goals, because - you want to do it differently, right? Which means you *want* different role models.
I have noticed that the parents who did best with newborns were those who managed to find a support circle of *other parents* - and this was often purely down to which antenatal class they went to, and whether it was one where people kept meeting afterwards - as opposed to one where the instructor put no effort into that.
You may be an introvert, but this is still the time to reach out and form connections with parents in your extended social circle.
Having kids is often a great way to join people who were previously strangers - take a look at antenatal classes, and Mums & Bubs networks in your area. Maybe make a plan that you will attend an antenatal class with the aim of building a support network, and if you don't click with anyone at the first one, that you will attend another until you do! Look at the options for meeting other families with newborns. A dad I knew ended up being part of a d&d group of dads who all had babies at about the same age, they would bring them along, and they're still meeting a dozen years later.
Other people in the same situation will be a goldmine of advice, and it may reassure you to start researching that *now*, and realise the number of groups that exist and start up every 3 months in your area, because that need for support is a very, very common and very human need. A *lot* of people don't live in the same areas as their family, AND don't have many friends with kids before they have one, and they are all in need of making connections with other parents, and you will be just one of them.
The reaching out to any extended acquaintances now who have kids, is a good thing also, because you are wanting to see how *other* people parent, and that will help your brain adjust to the idea of whether you can do this too.
You don't *want* your parents to be the role model of how you parent, because you are going to do BETTER than they did. You don't want advice from your actual mother, because you are going to do better than she has, but it's perfectly understandable that this brings up your grief of who you wish she had been *for you*.
And as hard as it is, it might help you grieve to look at all the ways you wish she had been different - not because you can change who she is now. And it's about her, you have always been deserving of love, as every child is, and you have been shown that other people love you strongly and that it's about her, not you, that she couldn't do that for you.
But try writing down what you wish had been different, and then ask -
Can I do this?
Is this reasonable or healthy for me to aim for, for myself as a parent?
Can I turn my longing for the mother I wish I had had, into my gameplan for the parent I will aim to be instead?
And while there is such a thing as overcompensating, I think you'll find that most of the things are just about showing your child that you love them, rather than spoiling them or failing to give them healthy boundaries, and being determined that you will do that yourself can make it clear that you have capacity that your mother didn't.
posted by Elysum at 5:10 PM on May 22, 2023 [4 favorites]
I'm sorry this won't happen for you in the ideal way you would like it to. But there are so many ways to build connection and family. If raising children is what you want, you can do that with zero enthusiasm from your parents. You need other people in your life who will provide the enthusiasm, the emotional support, and the practical assistance. The second and third categories might be paid professionals, so include those possibilities when you number crunch on having the kid, but a good therapist for you and a daycare or nanny for your kid will get you a long way.
I can't give you the parent perspective but I was a kid whose grandparents spanned a range from "meh" to never seeing me once in my life because my existence was actively offensive to them, it's...fine? I don't really understand the fuss about grandparents. I'm sure it would have been nice to have some who were actually engaged in some way but I'm not emotionally scarred by it or anything. Your kid, with love and support from you and your friends and community, will be absolutely fine. Shoring up your own reserves is going to be the big thing.
posted by Stacey at 5:11 PM on May 22, 2023 [4 favorites]
I can't give you the parent perspective but I was a kid whose grandparents spanned a range from "meh" to never seeing me once in my life because my existence was actively offensive to them, it's...fine? I don't really understand the fuss about grandparents. I'm sure it would have been nice to have some who were actually engaged in some way but I'm not emotionally scarred by it or anything. Your kid, with love and support from you and your friends and community, will be absolutely fine. Shoring up your own reserves is going to be the big thing.
posted by Stacey at 5:11 PM on May 22, 2023 [4 favorites]
And in post above, I focused on networking with other parents because there will be a lot of resources you can find there, and it will help you change that rolemodel in your head.
But I didn't mean to exclude friends without kids - of *course* you know people without kids who may be part of your support network, and some of them may even have a *lot* of experience with kids, even if not there own, whether that's from helping with kids not their own, in their family, or professionally.
I was one of them - I have been there for many, many friends over a couple of decades of not having kids myself, and ironically had a lot more experience with kids than many of the new parents at the time. 😅
posted by Elysum at 5:22 PM on May 22, 2023
But I didn't mean to exclude friends without kids - of *course* you know people without kids who may be part of your support network, and some of them may even have a *lot* of experience with kids, even if not there own, whether that's from helping with kids not their own, in their family, or professionally.
I was one of them - I have been there for many, many friends over a couple of decades of not having kids myself, and ironically had a lot more experience with kids than many of the new parents at the time. 😅
posted by Elysum at 5:22 PM on May 22, 2023
Things to consider: How good are you at parenting now? If you go into it without having spent a sleepless night with a cranky sick kid, and if you haven't done your best to get a kid dressed up to be publicly presentable and discovered that it can't be done because the kid is bound and determined to destroy their clothes or at least get them filthy between getting them dressed and getting them to the event, and if you haven't listened to the same Hamster Huey and the Gooey Kablooie fifteen times in one day and known that you'll hear it fifteen times tomorrow, and if you haven't cheerfully led kids through something complex such as a holiday dinner, or a shopping trip to buy shoes, all while so sick or upset about being laid off that you have no peripheral vision and no appetite, you haven't actually had an experience at parenting, so you don't know how good at it you are going to be and if you will be able to muster up that gleam.
I strongly recommend that you hang out with some kids, preferably as their sole caretaker, before you try parenting any that you can't give back on Monday. That matters a whole lot more than getting therapy, or having it out with your Mom, or getting on the waiting list for daycare.
It is highly likely that your mom didn't have that gleam in her eye because she was too tired and anxious to enjoy having kids. The only way to tell if you will be tired and anxious and fed up and resentful is if you try it out and see if you can relax into it and have fun. If you can't have fun while teaching a nine month old how to eat solids, then you won't have any fun trying to teach a seven hour old baby how to latch. If you are at all like your mother, and your probably are, you may be the kind of person who is prone to being anxious and resentful and overwhelmed. Neither of you are at fault for that. But between being genetically prone to the same personality and having acquired your customs and practices and beliefs from your family, you are higher risk of making the same mistakes she did.
If you resent the fact that your mother didn't have the gleam and if you resent the fact that your parents will most likely not help take care of any kids you have, then you are not mature enough to have kids, because you will waste a lot of mental energy and bandwidth on continuing to resent the fact that they don't help and they don't love you enough to make you feel loved. When you get comfortable enough to hear an "oh" from your parents, you will have managed to separate enough from them and your need to have their approval that you may be ready to have kids. But as long as you want them to be overjoyed or warm or supportive... then you are going into having kids clinging to unrealistic hopes.
If you have kids because you want to get it right to make up for the fact that your mother didn't get it right, then definitely don't have kids, because you'll end up resenting the fact that your mother didn't make you feel loved AND resenting the fact that your kids don't make you feel loved. Most parents experience times when the kids make them feel hated, or at least resentfully taken for granted by their offspring. It will be very helpful to develop a strong enough ego that you don't need either of them to love you, but still love them yourself regardless.
If I were you I would only have kids if the trial runs work out really well, even though you looked after other people's kids under difficult circumstances, like colic, travel, two kids that can't be in the same room as each other, or the suspicion that you won't be paid the promised babysitting fee.
If you have kids you will be closing so many doors in your future - the same like if you decide to get a doctorate and made the financial and time commitment that would take up all your time for fifteen years and most of your time for the following eight years. It may turn out to be marvelous and the best thing you ever did, but it will also mean that you don't have a life and so many other things you might have done will become forever out of reach. "I think I would enjoy fostering a loving environment..." is kind of lukewarm. I'd like to hear you saying, "I really want to have kids because..."followed by a whole slew of different reasons, before you make that commitment and have one.
posted by Jane the Brown at 6:35 PM on May 22, 2023 [7 favorites]
I strongly recommend that you hang out with some kids, preferably as their sole caretaker, before you try parenting any that you can't give back on Monday. That matters a whole lot more than getting therapy, or having it out with your Mom, or getting on the waiting list for daycare.
It is highly likely that your mom didn't have that gleam in her eye because she was too tired and anxious to enjoy having kids. The only way to tell if you will be tired and anxious and fed up and resentful is if you try it out and see if you can relax into it and have fun. If you can't have fun while teaching a nine month old how to eat solids, then you won't have any fun trying to teach a seven hour old baby how to latch. If you are at all like your mother, and your probably are, you may be the kind of person who is prone to being anxious and resentful and overwhelmed. Neither of you are at fault for that. But between being genetically prone to the same personality and having acquired your customs and practices and beliefs from your family, you are higher risk of making the same mistakes she did.
If you resent the fact that your mother didn't have the gleam and if you resent the fact that your parents will most likely not help take care of any kids you have, then you are not mature enough to have kids, because you will waste a lot of mental energy and bandwidth on continuing to resent the fact that they don't help and they don't love you enough to make you feel loved. When you get comfortable enough to hear an "oh" from your parents, you will have managed to separate enough from them and your need to have their approval that you may be ready to have kids. But as long as you want them to be overjoyed or warm or supportive... then you are going into having kids clinging to unrealistic hopes.
If you have kids because you want to get it right to make up for the fact that your mother didn't get it right, then definitely don't have kids, because you'll end up resenting the fact that your mother didn't make you feel loved AND resenting the fact that your kids don't make you feel loved. Most parents experience times when the kids make them feel hated, or at least resentfully taken for granted by their offspring. It will be very helpful to develop a strong enough ego that you don't need either of them to love you, but still love them yourself regardless.
If I were you I would only have kids if the trial runs work out really well, even though you looked after other people's kids under difficult circumstances, like colic, travel, two kids that can't be in the same room as each other, or the suspicion that you won't be paid the promised babysitting fee.
If you have kids you will be closing so many doors in your future - the same like if you decide to get a doctorate and made the financial and time commitment that would take up all your time for fifteen years and most of your time for the following eight years. It may turn out to be marvelous and the best thing you ever did, but it will also mean that you don't have a life and so many other things you might have done will become forever out of reach. "I think I would enjoy fostering a loving environment..." is kind of lukewarm. I'd like to hear you saying, "I really want to have kids because..."followed by a whole slew of different reasons, before you make that commitment and have one.
posted by Jane the Brown at 6:35 PM on May 22, 2023 [7 favorites]
Please don’t go into this venture expecting free childcare from even *half* of your relatives.
Please line up paid childcare beforehand.
And also agree about lining up paid childcare, or making the financial choices to get there. If your parents surprise you with their support, great. But I wouldn’t go into it expecting that at all. They’ve shown what they can give (and again you will probably be surprised in both good and bad ways if you do have children).
I think some answers are not reading the question but putting something else completely into their answer almost to the point where it seems, I don't know, a little bit cruel to the questioner. I have gone back and reread the question a number of times now and in no way does the question appear to "expect" free childcare but is looking for something more like emotional support and advice from their own family. Right in the question itself is "I think if they did eventually move closer to me it would be because they need help from me."
posted by ndfine at 6:39 PM on May 22, 2023 [24 favorites]
Please line up paid childcare beforehand.
And also agree about lining up paid childcare, or making the financial choices to get there. If your parents surprise you with their support, great. But I wouldn’t go into it expecting that at all. They’ve shown what they can give (and again you will probably be surprised in both good and bad ways if you do have children).
I think some answers are not reading the question but putting something else completely into their answer almost to the point where it seems, I don't know, a little bit cruel to the questioner. I have gone back and reread the question a number of times now and in no way does the question appear to "expect" free childcare but is looking for something more like emotional support and advice from their own family. Right in the question itself is "I think if they did eventually move closer to me it would be because they need help from me."
posted by ndfine at 6:39 PM on May 22, 2023 [24 favorites]
Will you have enough support in raising your child? As others have said, you should not expect to have the support of your parents and frankly, I don't think it's right for you to automatically expect it. Your parents are full human beings in their own right and even if they were the best parents in the world, they don't have to be baby sitters for you. Given the fact that you have two other siblings, that potential baby-sitting time could really add up. Many people don't live in the same city, state, country as their parents/grandparents and they figure it out.
This seems unnecessarily harsh and not particularly pertinent to the actual question. She is not asking about getting free babysitting from her extended family nor is she making any sort of claim on her parents being not "full human beings." In the question she specifically notes that she doesn't live in the same state as her parents.
posted by ndfine at 6:43 PM on May 22, 2023 [10 favorites]
This seems unnecessarily harsh and not particularly pertinent to the actual question. She is not asking about getting free babysitting from her extended family nor is she making any sort of claim on her parents being not "full human beings." In the question she specifically notes that she doesn't live in the same state as her parents.
posted by ndfine at 6:43 PM on May 22, 2023 [10 favorites]
I don't have any anecdotes to share other than that there are many amazing parents out there who themselves did not have the most loving/involving/enthusiastic parents themselves. What made it work was a determination to be their best as a parent, be a true teamplayer with their partner/co-parent (if applicable), and be open to getting outside help if/when needed. A caring grandparent can be a nice resource but so can a slew of other people (friend, other relative, neighbor, doctor, person from a parenting cohort, therapist, etc.) It's hard to anticipate how your own parents will be if there's a grandchild in the pictures -- honestly, even the most excited grandparent won't know how things will be until they happen. However, you can know that you'll be fine no matter what and that hopefully they will find some niche to fill, like sending cute onsies they see online or offering compassion when you're struggling with a sleepless night. Or offer absolutely nothing but that's OK; I think they will offer something but it's unclear what that will be or to what extent. I believe in you as a potential future mom as does everyone here!!
posted by smorgasbord at 8:54 PM on May 22, 2023 [1 favorite]
posted by smorgasbord at 8:54 PM on May 22, 2023 [1 favorite]
Also, I don't know how old your parents are or how old you are but I'm seeing a trend: when we were growing up, our parents were under a lot of pressure to have kids. Fortunately, that is changing at least in some circles. Being parents to many kids is my parents' joy and life-calling but even they have certainly advised me to not have kids or at least prepare for the absolute worst. Part of it is due to my life circumstances but much of it is their realizing how darn hard it is to be a parent these days due to the state of the world, the potential financial risk, etc. I know our situations are different but I think a lot of parents of grown kids have learned to be wary, even if they love their kids more than anything else. It is annoying as hell to hear but also comes from a place of love and updated perspectives.
posted by smorgasbord at 9:01 PM on May 22, 2023
posted by smorgasbord at 9:01 PM on May 22, 2023
You might want to read up on Reparenting yourself and see if that helps untangle the feelings of grief you have around not being loved the way you wanted to be loved by your mother. Then it helps bring some space around how you were parented and how you wish to parent a future child.
I recommend the book Untigering by Iris Chen.
I'm also hearing some fear: "will I turn into my parents?" Which is par for the course in becoming a parent. We have to be super aware of how not to repeat negative patterns.
You're already starting the mental and emotional work of mapping out your values and how they differed from your parents. Good luck.
posted by AnyUsernameWillDo at 10:44 PM on May 22, 2023 [1 favorite]
I recommend the book Untigering by Iris Chen.
I'm also hearing some fear: "will I turn into my parents?" Which is par for the course in becoming a parent. We have to be super aware of how not to repeat negative patterns.
You're already starting the mental and emotional work of mapping out your values and how they differed from your parents. Good luck.
posted by AnyUsernameWillDo at 10:44 PM on May 22, 2023 [1 favorite]
I get the sense that my mom feels like she missed out on life because of her kids, and that we really dragged her down / took away all her freedom.
Here's the thing: she did miss out on a whole pile of things that she would potentially have been able to experience had she not chosen to raise kids instead.
Here's the other thing: acting in such a way as to make the kids feel responsible for that is a fundamental failure of adulting, let alone parenting. Of all the people in the world who could reasonably be held to own the responsibility for the extent to which your mom missed out, the kids she chose to raise are not any of them. Kids are not given any control over who raises them and behaving as if they did is simply indefensible.
Parenting is the single most consequential commitment a human being can make. Embarking on it needs to be done with eyes wide open and full acknowledgement that it will inevitably involve missing out on potentially large amounts of everything else.
If you're OK with that, then every other problem you'll encounter along the way is manageable as you go. If you're not, don't parent.
posted by flabdablet at 1:24 AM on May 23, 2023 [5 favorites]
Here's the thing: she did miss out on a whole pile of things that she would potentially have been able to experience had she not chosen to raise kids instead.
Here's the other thing: acting in such a way as to make the kids feel responsible for that is a fundamental failure of adulting, let alone parenting. Of all the people in the world who could reasonably be held to own the responsibility for the extent to which your mom missed out, the kids she chose to raise are not any of them. Kids are not given any control over who raises them and behaving as if they did is simply indefensible.
Parenting is the single most consequential commitment a human being can make. Embarking on it needs to be done with eyes wide open and full acknowledgement that it will inevitably involve missing out on potentially large amounts of everything else.
If you're OK with that, then every other problem you'll encounter along the way is manageable as you go. If you're not, don't parent.
posted by flabdablet at 1:24 AM on May 23, 2023 [5 favorites]
I'm a stay-at-home mom to a four-year-old. My childhood was... difficult. My mom was a homemaker as well.
I'd start by thinking through your own childhood, through adult eyes.
For the longest time, I thought my mother was resentful, critical, cranky, and no fun, and my father was the loving joyful parent.
Then I realized my father *simply wasn't carrying his share of the load*.
He hoarded the fun parts of parenting for himself. It's easy to gleam when you pop in from your career for a Hallmark Moment, when you're going to the school play and bopping over to Little League, when you "babysit," when all of society pats you on the back for the bare minimum.
But can you gleam when you're mopping floors and wiping butts, kids grabs
the clean laundry and hurl it down the stairs as you try to fold it, you're cooking meals while children constantly tug on your clothes and whine, when you're up all night every night because the sounds of the sick kid's coughs somehow don't carry to Dad's side of the bed? Can you gleam in a sea of vomit, when nobody comes to help you mop it up? Can you gleam when you're the disciplinarian and Gleam Dad undercuts you? Can you gleam when society critiques your every move? Can you gleam when your children are bullied, have learning disabilities, begin to rebel, and Gleam Dad goes on a business trip? Can you gleam when Dad goes on to friends and family, not to mention your own children, about the rigors of fatherhood, when you know he's doing things in Easy Mode?
Over time, I realized how much of my mother's gleam was straight up robbed from her. Life could have been different. And yes, she could have made different choices, and her overwhelm was not my burden to bear.
But the ultimate fault lay with Dad, for shirking the load and hoarding the joyous parts of raising children, while my mother was left with drudgery and overwork.
Now she's on the other side of the world, and he's long gone, so grandparenting is off the table.
But when I realize I'm snapping and snarling and losing love of parenting, I know it's because I need support. I need a break. I need my husband to step in and do the scut work.
I need to drink tea while it's still hot, not be overstimulated to my breaking point, have a conversation with other adults, zone out and be inside my own thoughts for a while.
I can gleam because my kid's father will mop floors and wipe butts.
Ultimately, I don't think gleam is about how you were raised, or who you are. It's about whether you have proper support.
posted by champers at 3:26 AM on May 23, 2023 [19 favorites]
I'd start by thinking through your own childhood, through adult eyes.
For the longest time, I thought my mother was resentful, critical, cranky, and no fun, and my father was the loving joyful parent.
Then I realized my father *simply wasn't carrying his share of the load*.
He hoarded the fun parts of parenting for himself. It's easy to gleam when you pop in from your career for a Hallmark Moment, when you're going to the school play and bopping over to Little League, when you "babysit," when all of society pats you on the back for the bare minimum.
But can you gleam when you're mopping floors and wiping butts, kids grabs
the clean laundry and hurl it down the stairs as you try to fold it, you're cooking meals while children constantly tug on your clothes and whine, when you're up all night every night because the sounds of the sick kid's coughs somehow don't carry to Dad's side of the bed? Can you gleam in a sea of vomit, when nobody comes to help you mop it up? Can you gleam when you're the disciplinarian and Gleam Dad undercuts you? Can you gleam when society critiques your every move? Can you gleam when your children are bullied, have learning disabilities, begin to rebel, and Gleam Dad goes on a business trip? Can you gleam when Dad goes on to friends and family, not to mention your own children, about the rigors of fatherhood, when you know he's doing things in Easy Mode?
Over time, I realized how much of my mother's gleam was straight up robbed from her. Life could have been different. And yes, she could have made different choices, and her overwhelm was not my burden to bear.
But the ultimate fault lay with Dad, for shirking the load and hoarding the joyous parts of raising children, while my mother was left with drudgery and overwork.
Now she's on the other side of the world, and he's long gone, so grandparenting is off the table.
But when I realize I'm snapping and snarling and losing love of parenting, I know it's because I need support. I need a break. I need my husband to step in and do the scut work.
I need to drink tea while it's still hot, not be overstimulated to my breaking point, have a conversation with other adults, zone out and be inside my own thoughts for a while.
I can gleam because my kid's father will mop floors and wipe butts.
Ultimately, I don't think gleam is about how you were raised, or who you are. It's about whether you have proper support.
posted by champers at 3:26 AM on May 23, 2023 [19 favorites]
I think you can absolutely go into this and have wonderful kids and be a fantastic parent. And you've done a huge amount of work just knowing how unhelpful your parents will be as grandparents. BUT there are a lot of milestones every year with kids (birthday, Christmas, first day of school, Easter, Halloween, soccer games, school plays, etc.) and each of these events can be really upsetting when the grandparent either doesn't show up or shows up and expresses indifference to your kid, who means everything in the world to you. I would have a plan for that now and also a plan for caring for yourself when this inevitably happens.
(We have no fewer than 7 people who claim the title of grandparent and they rarely show up or care much, despite being completely able to, and it's painful for us and for our kids when we go to birthday parties and watch something as inconsequential as a grandma helping to serve the cake and beaming at her grandchild, since we don't get that. It can be lonely).
posted by luckdragon at 5:02 AM on May 23, 2023 [3 favorites]
(We have no fewer than 7 people who claim the title of grandparent and they rarely show up or care much, despite being completely able to, and it's painful for us and for our kids when we go to birthday parties and watch something as inconsequential as a grandma helping to serve the cake and beaming at her grandchild, since we don't get that. It can be lonely).
posted by luckdragon at 5:02 AM on May 23, 2023 [3 favorites]
My parents liked me just fine, but they are no help in looking after my kids. Also, just because some people don't like children and think children held them back (which is honestly a pretty valid complaint) doesn't mean that it's in your genes and carries forward.
Also, as long as you want to have children, you will be a great parent, because wanting to participate in the journey of someone growing up is half the battle. The other stuff you will figure out. It requires lots of money too, but you don't mention that, so I assume it's not relevant.
posted by The_Vegetables at 7:23 AM on May 23, 2023 [1 favorite]
Also, as long as you want to have children, you will be a great parent, because wanting to participate in the journey of someone growing up is half the battle. The other stuff you will figure out. It requires lots of money too, but you don't mention that, so I assume it's not relevant.
posted by The_Vegetables at 7:23 AM on May 23, 2023 [1 favorite]
There's still a little kid voice in you that is waiting for your mum to approve of you so that you can feel worthy. And that anxiety is landing on parenting ('can I really be a good parent if my mum withheld and continues to withhold affection from me?')
Please look for support for that voice because it sounds like it runs very deeply. But you do not need your parents' approval or support to be a good parent. You are enough. You really are. It takes a village, yes, but the village does not have to be biological at all.
Sure, you'll need different supports. I can't say my mother is absent, but she is wildly inconsistent. (Example 1: I put my child in a very well respected Montessori. For no reason she and my father decided it was a [excuse this phrase] "Japanese mind cram" school when...no JUST NO, also it was run by someone of Indian descent from North Africa, like, ???!!! Example 2: I was thinking of moving to a different city and she told me she never liked me as much as my sister anyway.)
What I did instead when my child was an infant was I organized (with the help of a sole dynamic person I met randomly) a mother's group. Moms (and dads but they are socialized differently) realize they need other moms and making "mom friends" -- not best friends, but like 'got your back with a diaper friends' -- can be remarkably easy if you are willing to be the first to say you would like to team up. My oldest is now 17 and a much smaller group of us are now meeting up to share university admission horror stories.
I've told this story way too many times but I'll tell it again because for me it was the 'aha' moment. I did years of therapy and once I got pregnant, a lot of it focused on "how can I not repeat family abuse and dysfunction." One thing my mother suffers from (I can say that now, but as a child it was horribly imposed on me) is OCD about germs. And so from a VERY young age if I was sick, especially throwing up, my mother would flip out in some way. I had to stay in my room with the windows open and I had a little bucket of diluted bleach that I had to use to clean the bathroom and doorknobs and "anything I touched" behind me. I'm talking from 5 years old. So I learned if you're sick/weak/wounded you're a pariah and a burden.
The first time my son had a really bad norovirus, he threw up at daycare. I drove over in a bit of a fuss because I was nervous about leaving work, but really I was nervous about this stomach flu (luckily babies do spit up all the time all over you, but this had been a while.) As soon as I saw him, my heart melted because he was sick. He looked sick. I just wanted to love on him.
I was carrying him in from the car and he threw up into my hair, and down the back of my coat over my best blazer... with tomato sauce in the mix.
And I sat on my hallway floor and rocked him and I just laughed because...it was fine. It was so fine. I wasn't tense or angry and of course I was like, ewwww, but it was...a family ew? It was okay. It was just stuff to clean up. He had a bath and I had a shower and I threw the blazer and the blouse out (I know I know but it was just one of those things) and got the coat cleaned.
A few days later I was so mad. So mad. And sad. Really, really sad for me as a child. And of course, that is a part of my experience and my son's life, that he has me as a mother and sometimes I'm mad and sad for a morning and I go for a walk while he makes pancakes with his dad. But no, the shit does not always have to flow downhill.
Do I sometimes have moments? Sure, every parent does. A year later he laid on the floor of a No Frills (downmarket grocery chain) and LICKED the FLOOR IN FRONT OF THE MEAT COUNTER. And I did kind of freak out, not yelling or demeaning but I was like, really grossed out and I opened a bottle of mouthwash in the washroom and had him rinse out his mouth, and he hated the mint flavour, and I paid for an open bottle of mouthwash and people judged me.
And that was also okay, although he hates mouthwash to this day.
You can have a child and delight in that child. In a normal, not superhuman way. It's fine.
posted by warriorqueen at 7:23 AM on May 23, 2023 [13 favorites]
Please look for support for that voice because it sounds like it runs very deeply. But you do not need your parents' approval or support to be a good parent. You are enough. You really are. It takes a village, yes, but the village does not have to be biological at all.
Sure, you'll need different supports. I can't say my mother is absent, but she is wildly inconsistent. (Example 1: I put my child in a very well respected Montessori. For no reason she and my father decided it was a [excuse this phrase] "Japanese mind cram" school when...no JUST NO, also it was run by someone of Indian descent from North Africa, like, ???!!! Example 2: I was thinking of moving to a different city and she told me she never liked me as much as my sister anyway.)
What I did instead when my child was an infant was I organized (with the help of a sole dynamic person I met randomly) a mother's group. Moms (and dads but they are socialized differently) realize they need other moms and making "mom friends" -- not best friends, but like 'got your back with a diaper friends' -- can be remarkably easy if you are willing to be the first to say you would like to team up. My oldest is now 17 and a much smaller group of us are now meeting up to share university admission horror stories.
I've told this story way too many times but I'll tell it again because for me it was the 'aha' moment. I did years of therapy and once I got pregnant, a lot of it focused on "how can I not repeat family abuse and dysfunction." One thing my mother suffers from (I can say that now, but as a child it was horribly imposed on me) is OCD about germs. And so from a VERY young age if I was sick, especially throwing up, my mother would flip out in some way. I had to stay in my room with the windows open and I had a little bucket of diluted bleach that I had to use to clean the bathroom and doorknobs and "anything I touched" behind me. I'm talking from 5 years old. So I learned if you're sick/weak/wounded you're a pariah and a burden.
The first time my son had a really bad norovirus, he threw up at daycare. I drove over in a bit of a fuss because I was nervous about leaving work, but really I was nervous about this stomach flu (luckily babies do spit up all the time all over you, but this had been a while.) As soon as I saw him, my heart melted because he was sick. He looked sick. I just wanted to love on him.
I was carrying him in from the car and he threw up into my hair, and down the back of my coat over my best blazer... with tomato sauce in the mix.
And I sat on my hallway floor and rocked him and I just laughed because...it was fine. It was so fine. I wasn't tense or angry and of course I was like, ewwww, but it was...a family ew? It was okay. It was just stuff to clean up. He had a bath and I had a shower and I threw the blazer and the blouse out (I know I know but it was just one of those things) and got the coat cleaned.
A few days later I was so mad. So mad. And sad. Really, really sad for me as a child. And of course, that is a part of my experience and my son's life, that he has me as a mother and sometimes I'm mad and sad for a morning and I go for a walk while he makes pancakes with his dad. But no, the shit does not always have to flow downhill.
Do I sometimes have moments? Sure, every parent does. A year later he laid on the floor of a No Frills (downmarket grocery chain) and LICKED the FLOOR IN FRONT OF THE MEAT COUNTER. And I did kind of freak out, not yelling or demeaning but I was like, really grossed out and I opened a bottle of mouthwash in the washroom and had him rinse out his mouth, and he hated the mint flavour, and I paid for an open bottle of mouthwash and people judged me.
And that was also okay, although he hates mouthwash to this day.
You can have a child and delight in that child. In a normal, not superhuman way. It's fine.
posted by warriorqueen at 7:23 AM on May 23, 2023 [13 favorites]
Just as a datapoint, I have the thing that you're mourning the loss of here - my parents are extremely enthusiastic grandparents who have tons of advice to offer and want to see their grandkid all the time.
It is, without question, the single greatest source of stress in my life, and I say that as the parent of a toddler. I spend huge amounts of mental and emotional energy managing my mother's expectations around how much time she spends with my daughter, and her disappointment when those expectations cannot be met. The advice is almost never helpful; not only is it based on a sample size of two kids over thirty years ago, but a ton of the recommendations have changed in the interim. My mother-in-law flew in from another state to help us when our daughter was born, and she ended up making more work for us and then changing her flight and leaving early in a huff when she didn't get to do all the things she wanted to.
I know that there are people out there who find involved grandparents to be enormously helpful in raising their kids. I just don't happen to have met any of those people.
posted by Ragged Richard at 7:34 AM on May 23, 2023 [6 favorites]
It is, without question, the single greatest source of stress in my life, and I say that as the parent of a toddler. I spend huge amounts of mental and emotional energy managing my mother's expectations around how much time she spends with my daughter, and her disappointment when those expectations cannot be met. The advice is almost never helpful; not only is it based on a sample size of two kids over thirty years ago, but a ton of the recommendations have changed in the interim. My mother-in-law flew in from another state to help us when our daughter was born, and she ended up making more work for us and then changing her flight and leaving early in a huff when she didn't get to do all the things she wanted to.
I know that there are people out there who find involved grandparents to be enormously helpful in raising their kids. I just don't happen to have met any of those people.
posted by Ragged Richard at 7:34 AM on May 23, 2023 [6 favorites]
My siblings and I have zero functional parents, for various reasons. I am an active, but also stridently child-free, aunt, and the only adult relative my niblings have in their lives outside of their own parents. They are healthy, happy, stable, and feel very loved. Grandparents are not a necessary element to a happy childhood.
I would, however, have a serious conversation with your parents about what, if anything, you're prepared to offer them as they age. You talked about them moving closer to you because they need your help. Do you want to help them? Do you feel equipped to do so? What alternative plans have they made for their own needs as they age? Do they have savings? Long-term care insurance? These are questions I would make sure to discuss with them, especially because if you have kids, you won't have as much time and energy to devote to them, even if you wanted to (and you don't have to want to).
posted by decathecting at 8:27 AM on May 23, 2023 [1 favorite]
I would, however, have a serious conversation with your parents about what, if anything, you're prepared to offer them as they age. You talked about them moving closer to you because they need your help. Do you want to help them? Do you feel equipped to do so? What alternative plans have they made for their own needs as they age? Do they have savings? Long-term care insurance? These are questions I would make sure to discuss with them, especially because if you have kids, you won't have as much time and energy to devote to them, even if you wanted to (and you don't have to want to).
posted by decathecting at 8:27 AM on May 23, 2023 [1 favorite]
Big hugs, if you want them. I can certainly feel in your post the pain of being resented, not feeling wanted, loved, liked by your mom. It's a big trauma and a big hole in your heart. Despite this, it sounds like you want to have a good relationship with your mom, in that she supports you and/or is excited about you having a kid, and being a grandma. You also want her to be someone that you can turn to for help, whether it's parenting advice, emotional support or childcare or whatnot, or even to bond over these experiences and maybe hear from your mom what it was like to take care of you as a baby, or what you were like as a baby. And you would love for your kid to have a relationship with their grandparents.
I think it would be worth it to work through all these feelings in therapy, and to grieve these losses. There comes a time in almost everyone's life that we realize our parents are not the ones that we wanted or needed, and that likely won't change. :(
I want to reiterate what others have said: that you can absolutely be a good mom without having experienced that yourself. Think about who and how you want to be as a mom. As a kid, my mom was not there emotionally for me either, also very critical, harsh, judgemental, negative, etc. I vowed that if I ever had a kid, I would not do what she did. Maybe that's a helpful way to think about things - whatever your mom didn't give you, you give to your kid. Or think about doing the opposite of what she did. She didn't like you? You're going to shower your kid with love and affection so they KNOW you love them. She was critical? You are going to praise their hard work and efforts. She thinks you're bad at life? You're going to tell your kid they're doing awesome and show them how to do life. Btw I watched Supernanny in my 20s long before I had a kid and that provided really good lessons in parenting. You can find episodes on YouTube. Have I implemented everything I saw? Lol no. But watching a different style of parenting helped me understand how I was raised and what I needed as a kid. A few years ago I also watched the Dark Matter of Love, a documentary about an American couple adopting three Russian orphans. How could they parent and develop a loving, healthy attachment? https://www.dailymotion.com/video/x191s88
>my parents both really don't want to see me have kids.
You don't need their approval to have kids, but it sounds like you want them to believe that you are capable of taking care of a kid. Who knows why they told you not to have kids, there could be a billion reasons. Whatever baggage your parents had about having kids that they are projecting on to you, you do not have to carry it. Set that shit down and believe in yourself.
In terms of them being involved grandparents, who knows. It sounds like they will be indifferent/not interested/not care. I feel like any outcome will have its challenges: if they are negative, that will be hurtful. If they are indifferent, that will also be hurtful in a different way. If they're outright hostile, you'll have to enforce very strict boundaries about what you tolerate from them. If they actually show up and love being grandparents, maybe you would love that, but that also has challenges: they could be critical of your parenting, or even if they're not, you could wonder why they could be loving to your kid and not with you. My point is to let go of how they could react.
In terms of advice and support: it sounds like you want someone from your parents' generation to be there for you. Like Elysum said, "would you be relying on the advice of someone who last did something 30+ years ago?" I didn't want to, and I didn't ask for advice from my mom either because I don't really trust her judgement anyway for a lot of reasons. There's a HUGE baby industrial complex out there (thank you capitalism) and your best sources of advice will be online forums like ask mefi, good Facebook groups (e.g. Ask Moxie), and your good friends. Definitely think about who you can ask for help in person. It doesn't have to be your family or people related to you. Find your village.
Also, it's awesome that you have a great marriage. Having a supportive partner is HUGE. There is no telling how pregnancy, labour, delivery, breastfeeding etc. will go and your partner will have to show up for you 100%. And no doubt, having a kid will test and tax your relationship too. Definitely spend some time with babies and kids if you can - I was lucky in that I spent a lot of time with my niece and could see how I was with her. I really enjoyed being with her and seeing things through her eyes. Even if I wasn't responsible for feeding, changing or getting her to sleep, I was committed to being there for my daughter when I had her. And wow, having a newborn is exhausting. Fun but exhausting. It's a good thing they're cute! Your life is not your own for the first while - getting them into daycare at age one is a really good idea, so you can go back to work and have a little bit of your own life.
Tl;dr: don't let trauma inform your life choices. Therapy might be a good thing to do. I hope if you do decide to get pregnant, that it's empowering, joyful, exciting and life-affirming for you.
posted by foxjacket at 8:42 AM on May 23, 2023 [2 favorites]
I think it would be worth it to work through all these feelings in therapy, and to grieve these losses. There comes a time in almost everyone's life that we realize our parents are not the ones that we wanted or needed, and that likely won't change. :(
I want to reiterate what others have said: that you can absolutely be a good mom without having experienced that yourself. Think about who and how you want to be as a mom. As a kid, my mom was not there emotionally for me either, also very critical, harsh, judgemental, negative, etc. I vowed that if I ever had a kid, I would not do what she did. Maybe that's a helpful way to think about things - whatever your mom didn't give you, you give to your kid. Or think about doing the opposite of what she did. She didn't like you? You're going to shower your kid with love and affection so they KNOW you love them. She was critical? You are going to praise their hard work and efforts. She thinks you're bad at life? You're going to tell your kid they're doing awesome and show them how to do life. Btw I watched Supernanny in my 20s long before I had a kid and that provided really good lessons in parenting. You can find episodes on YouTube. Have I implemented everything I saw? Lol no. But watching a different style of parenting helped me understand how I was raised and what I needed as a kid. A few years ago I also watched the Dark Matter of Love, a documentary about an American couple adopting three Russian orphans. How could they parent and develop a loving, healthy attachment? https://www.dailymotion.com/video/x191s88
>my parents both really don't want to see me have kids.
You don't need their approval to have kids, but it sounds like you want them to believe that you are capable of taking care of a kid. Who knows why they told you not to have kids, there could be a billion reasons. Whatever baggage your parents had about having kids that they are projecting on to you, you do not have to carry it. Set that shit down and believe in yourself.
In terms of them being involved grandparents, who knows. It sounds like they will be indifferent/not interested/not care. I feel like any outcome will have its challenges: if they are negative, that will be hurtful. If they are indifferent, that will also be hurtful in a different way. If they're outright hostile, you'll have to enforce very strict boundaries about what you tolerate from them. If they actually show up and love being grandparents, maybe you would love that, but that also has challenges: they could be critical of your parenting, or even if they're not, you could wonder why they could be loving to your kid and not with you. My point is to let go of how they could react.
In terms of advice and support: it sounds like you want someone from your parents' generation to be there for you. Like Elysum said, "would you be relying on the advice of someone who last did something 30+ years ago?" I didn't want to, and I didn't ask for advice from my mom either because I don't really trust her judgement anyway for a lot of reasons. There's a HUGE baby industrial complex out there (thank you capitalism) and your best sources of advice will be online forums like ask mefi, good Facebook groups (e.g. Ask Moxie), and your good friends. Definitely think about who you can ask for help in person. It doesn't have to be your family or people related to you. Find your village.
Also, it's awesome that you have a great marriage. Having a supportive partner is HUGE. There is no telling how pregnancy, labour, delivery, breastfeeding etc. will go and your partner will have to show up for you 100%. And no doubt, having a kid will test and tax your relationship too. Definitely spend some time with babies and kids if you can - I was lucky in that I spent a lot of time with my niece and could see how I was with her. I really enjoyed being with her and seeing things through her eyes. Even if I wasn't responsible for feeding, changing or getting her to sleep, I was committed to being there for my daughter when I had her. And wow, having a newborn is exhausting. Fun but exhausting. It's a good thing they're cute! Your life is not your own for the first while - getting them into daycare at age one is a really good idea, so you can go back to work and have a little bit of your own life.
Tl;dr: don't let trauma inform your life choices. Therapy might be a good thing to do. I hope if you do decide to get pregnant, that it's empowering, joyful, exciting and life-affirming for you.
posted by foxjacket at 8:42 AM on May 23, 2023 [2 favorites]
We had only one grandparent in the picture, who lives hundreds of miles away. It didn't really make much emotional difference I think. It would have been nice to have her more available for childcare (she loves children and does a ton of stuff for her other grandchildren).
If you're not counting on them in practical way, I don't see why "less-than-excited grandparents" would be a big issue.
Having children of your own is very different to babysitting other people's kids. Nothing about it is individually that hard. It's the relentlessness and volume of the work that's the difficulty. Having someone else to do childcare a couple of hours a week, or available to handle the times when both parents really need to do something else (e.g. one parent has dental appointment, another a vital meeting) can be incredibly helpful to a parent without actually taking up that much time from the person helping. But you can do without it.
posted by TheophileEscargot at 8:52 AM on May 23, 2023
If you're not counting on them in practical way, I don't see why "less-than-excited grandparents" would be a big issue.
Having children of your own is very different to babysitting other people's kids. Nothing about it is individually that hard. It's the relentlessness and volume of the work that's the difficulty. Having someone else to do childcare a couple of hours a week, or available to handle the times when both parents really need to do something else (e.g. one parent has dental appointment, another a vital meeting) can be incredibly helpful to a parent without actually taking up that much time from the person helping. But you can do without it.
posted by TheophileEscargot at 8:52 AM on May 23, 2023
I talk to my partner and other parents in my community about my child and parenting in general way more than I talk to anyone in my family of origin. It may seem opaque now, but there are huge parent networks in any community, whether through schools, religious orgs, libraries, parent/child services, etc. Even MetaFilter has a spin-off parenting group on FB that is very helpful. I started tapping into those groups when we joined a birth class through the doctor's office and doors keep opening from there. These are the people I compare with and ask advice of and get and give sympathy and swap baby clothes and crib sheets and toys with. You will find and connect with so many people as a pregnant person and so many more as a parent.
As for grandparents and other family members, I think my suggestion would be to manage your--and later, your child's--expectations. Maybe they won't be great at cheering you on and welcoming your child into the world, but maybe you can count on them to throw some money at a meal train or buy the car seat or pay for a house cleaner for a few months. Or maybe all you can count on is that your relationship with them will be as strained as ever and make sure you take good care of yourself when you do have plans to talk with and interact with them. Maybe a set schedule of this is when I text them, this is when I email, this is when I visit would be helpful for keeping those interaction contained and making it easier to disengage when you're finished with each interaction.
And also, your parents are a great role model--of what not to do. You know how to be a better parent because you will not be parenting like that. You will be actively choosing to have a child and be a parent. You can--and I highly recommend--work on parenting skills, even before becoming a parent. There are excellent, researched books that can help you figure out how you want to approach parenting. There are also books for working on your trauma so that you can be a better parent. Therapy has been suggested; therapy is helpful with this! I also suggest working with your partner on learning how to be a good parent so you can both be on the same page for parenting techniques, how to split taking care of your child, housework, working outside the home, etc.
posted by carrioncomfort at 9:28 AM on May 23, 2023 [1 favorite]
As for grandparents and other family members, I think my suggestion would be to manage your--and later, your child's--expectations. Maybe they won't be great at cheering you on and welcoming your child into the world, but maybe you can count on them to throw some money at a meal train or buy the car seat or pay for a house cleaner for a few months. Or maybe all you can count on is that your relationship with them will be as strained as ever and make sure you take good care of yourself when you do have plans to talk with and interact with them. Maybe a set schedule of this is when I text them, this is when I email, this is when I visit would be helpful for keeping those interaction contained and making it easier to disengage when you're finished with each interaction.
And also, your parents are a great role model--of what not to do. You know how to be a better parent because you will not be parenting like that. You will be actively choosing to have a child and be a parent. You can--and I highly recommend--work on parenting skills, even before becoming a parent. There are excellent, researched books that can help you figure out how you want to approach parenting. There are also books for working on your trauma so that you can be a better parent. Therapy has been suggested; therapy is helpful with this! I also suggest working with your partner on learning how to be a good parent so you can both be on the same page for parenting techniques, how to split taking care of your child, housework, working outside the home, etc.
posted by carrioncomfort at 9:28 AM on May 23, 2023 [1 favorite]
I really recommend checking out these two books:
Parenting from the Inside Out
Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents
I have been surprised by how much of parenting turns out to be about ME parenting myself so I can be the best parent I can be to my child. I think many parents come face to face with the failures of their own parents (as well as the sacrifices of their own parents). It’s this immense transition and I used to spend a lot of time want my mom to take care of me so I could take care of my kid. It was just really hard, I felt so clueless, and I needed my mom…you’ll be ahead of at least me in this game if you realize your mom is not going to care for you through this. And that this will be ok because the amazing thing is that the mom that you need to take care of you actually already lives inside of you. Imagine you are a little kid telling your mom you want to be a mom when you grow up. What does your ideal mom say back to you? That’s your mom voice; she will be there for you.
posted by CMcG at 11:32 AM on May 23, 2023 [5 favorites]
Parenting from the Inside Out
Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents
I have been surprised by how much of parenting turns out to be about ME parenting myself so I can be the best parent I can be to my child. I think many parents come face to face with the failures of their own parents (as well as the sacrifices of their own parents). It’s this immense transition and I used to spend a lot of time want my mom to take care of me so I could take care of my kid. It was just really hard, I felt so clueless, and I needed my mom…you’ll be ahead of at least me in this game if you realize your mom is not going to care for you through this. And that this will be ok because the amazing thing is that the mom that you need to take care of you actually already lives inside of you. Imagine you are a little kid telling your mom you want to be a mom when you grow up. What does your ideal mom say back to you? That’s your mom voice; she will be there for you.
posted by CMcG at 11:32 AM on May 23, 2023 [5 favorites]
I called my dad to announce my daughter's birth. My stepmom answered the phone and blew me off. He died never having met her. I tried again when my son was born; same result. At his funeral, my stepmom met my children -- then junior high and elementary school aged. She took an interest in my son since he was in the narrow age range where she takes interest in kids for a little while, as she did with me. Her para-profession involved elementary school kids.
As soon as he aged out of that, she dropped him like a hot rock. Just like she did to me.
My various other parents (I have several, from various phases of life) knew the kids but were mainly not present. They were warm but pretty non-present during my childhood, so it fit the mold. My mom's still not around much, even though she lives a lot closer now. Mostly she just calls when she needs something.
Anyway, my kids are adults now. One old enough to have aged out of my ACA coverage umbrella and the other old enough to drink. None of my side of the family is particularly close to them, but you know what? As parents we did an awesome job. Stellar. Totally broke the cycle.
This is all to say that, yes, you can do the thing and they can do whatever they do and you can break cycles.
posted by majick at 5:42 AM on May 24, 2023 [3 favorites]
As soon as he aged out of that, she dropped him like a hot rock. Just like she did to me.
My various other parents (I have several, from various phases of life) knew the kids but were mainly not present. They were warm but pretty non-present during my childhood, so it fit the mold. My mom's still not around much, even though she lives a lot closer now. Mostly she just calls when she needs something.
Anyway, my kids are adults now. One old enough to have aged out of my ACA coverage umbrella and the other old enough to drink. None of my side of the family is particularly close to them, but you know what? As parents we did an awesome job. Stellar. Totally broke the cycle.
This is all to say that, yes, you can do the thing and they can do whatever they do and you can break cycles.
posted by majick at 5:42 AM on May 24, 2023 [3 favorites]
« Older Can I Fearlessly End My Lightroom Cloud... | what kind of professional can rewrite a book? Newer »
You are not logged in, either login or create an account to post comments
posted by praemunire at 3:16 PM on May 22, 2023 [6 favorites]