I have taken in a sixteen-year-old. His parents are unmanageable.
May 18, 2023 7:48 AM Subscribe
My son's best friend has moved in with us. I love him, but his parents, who have agreed to the move, are unmanageable, and I'm wondering what advice people have for me. If you've ever done this, have you been able to establish any kind of enforceable agreement with the parents? Or do you have genius ideas for coping with the parents?
Please read the question carefully, and be kind.
The dad has agreed to this move, but he is volatile, controlling, and abusive. In the past 24 hours he has threatened to send the police after his son for buying drugs, which hadn't happened; he has agreed to pay rent and groceries, then told both me and son he would not give him or me a penny, then contacted me to say that he would send some money if I could confirm that the 16yo is no longer behind on his online schoolwork.
Meanwhile, the mom is like a leaf in the wind. They're divorced, and I like her and her intentions are good, but what she says she'll do changes with every conversation she has. She told me that she would make sure I got grocery and rent help, that if the 16yo was no longer living with his dad, she would see if she could even route the child support she pays to me. An hour later, she'd talked to the dad, and he'd convinced her that the kid has been buying drugs (he hasn't, though he has used drugs in the past and still smokes pot sometimes). She texted me that the dad "says he just concerned for the 16yo and feels he needs to come home and have more structure." That structure includes calling the police on him routinely if he's not where he's supposed to be, or if the dad just happens to not know where he is. There is physical abuse, which my son has witnessed, and verbal abuse, which I have witnessed. The mom knows this, but she really does bend herself to whoever she's talking with, so despite her good intentions, she can't be relied on.
I haven't answered either of the parents' most recent texts. I'm thinking about how to be clear with them, and set boundaries (like, dad-guy, no. If 16yo is here, I won't let you keep trying to control both of us by setting conditions for support).
I think the biggest question I'm asking is, outside of trying to work with, say, the foster care system, is there any way to create an enforceable agreement? The 16yo is thinking of emancipating, and I think that could be a good option. I may consult a family lawyer. We may just tough it out; the 16yo has been with us for most of the past seven months without officially living with us, so this attempt to come to a formal agreement about it is new, and it sucks so far.
I'd love to hear of any experiences people have had in this kind of situation.
Please read the question carefully, and be kind.
The dad has agreed to this move, but he is volatile, controlling, and abusive. In the past 24 hours he has threatened to send the police after his son for buying drugs, which hadn't happened; he has agreed to pay rent and groceries, then told both me and son he would not give him or me a penny, then contacted me to say that he would send some money if I could confirm that the 16yo is no longer behind on his online schoolwork.
Meanwhile, the mom is like a leaf in the wind. They're divorced, and I like her and her intentions are good, but what she says she'll do changes with every conversation she has. She told me that she would make sure I got grocery and rent help, that if the 16yo was no longer living with his dad, she would see if she could even route the child support she pays to me. An hour later, she'd talked to the dad, and he'd convinced her that the kid has been buying drugs (he hasn't, though he has used drugs in the past and still smokes pot sometimes). She texted me that the dad "says he just concerned for the 16yo and feels he needs to come home and have more structure." That structure includes calling the police on him routinely if he's not where he's supposed to be, or if the dad just happens to not know where he is. There is physical abuse, which my son has witnessed, and verbal abuse, which I have witnessed. The mom knows this, but she really does bend herself to whoever she's talking with, so despite her good intentions, she can't be relied on.
I haven't answered either of the parents' most recent texts. I'm thinking about how to be clear with them, and set boundaries (like, dad-guy, no. If 16yo is here, I won't let you keep trying to control both of us by setting conditions for support).
I think the biggest question I'm asking is, outside of trying to work with, say, the foster care system, is there any way to create an enforceable agreement? The 16yo is thinking of emancipating, and I think that could be a good option. I may consult a family lawyer. We may just tough it out; the 16yo has been with us for most of the past seven months without officially living with us, so this attempt to come to a formal agreement about it is new, and it sucks so far.
I'd love to hear of any experiences people have had in this kind of situation.
I may consult a family lawyer.
I haven't been in this situation, but that's what I'd do. Legally, parents have more rights over their kids than their friend's mom, unless you use the legal system to change that. In the meantime, document everything and keep it organized - save their texts, emails, record interviews with your son detailing what abuse he's witnessed, etc. I'd also work on the assumption that neither parent is going to be helpful here, since it seems clear they are unreliable at best. Good luck, it's kind of you to provide a haven for your son's friend.
posted by coffeecat at 8:01 AM on May 18, 2023 [22 favorites]
I haven't been in this situation, but that's what I'd do. Legally, parents have more rights over their kids than their friend's mom, unless you use the legal system to change that. In the meantime, document everything and keep it organized - save their texts, emails, record interviews with your son detailing what abuse he's witnessed, etc. I'd also work on the assumption that neither parent is going to be helpful here, since it seems clear they are unreliable at best. Good luck, it's kind of you to provide a haven for your son's friend.
posted by coffeecat at 8:01 AM on May 18, 2023 [22 favorites]
Best answer: My younger sister's friend lived with my family from age 14 until she moved away for college, and during college lived with us for summer and breaks. It was not a legal or formal arrangement. My parents had minimal engagement with her mother (her father was deceased) and did not receive any money from the mother. All went relatively smoothly and decades later our "pseudosister" still does holidays with my family and her kids cally mom Nana.
I don't think you should ask for or expect any payment for housing/feeding this teen. If supporting him is not something you can afford to do, this arrangement will not work in my opinion.
posted by emd3737 at 8:03 AM on May 18, 2023 [45 favorites]
I don't think you should ask for or expect any payment for housing/feeding this teen. If supporting him is not something you can afford to do, this arrangement will not work in my opinion.
posted by emd3737 at 8:03 AM on May 18, 2023 [45 favorites]
Best answer: Document as much as you can - email or text rather than phone calls. Speak with a lawyer. Consider emancipation rather than trying to get financial support because the support isn’t likely to happen. There’s just no way to force them to do anything regardless of any agreements.
posted by Crystalinne at 8:19 AM on May 18, 2023 [17 favorites]
posted by Crystalinne at 8:19 AM on May 18, 2023 [17 favorites]
Best answer: You need to decide if you are willing to keep doing this without any support from their family. If so, keep doing what you are doing. If not... I don't think you are going to have much recourse. Honestly, the reason this kid wants to stay with you is that the parents are who they are. You an adult will not be treated any better or different than their own kid. Expect the police to be called on you. Expect to be accused of doing drugs or proving drugs. Doesn't matter who is right, if the parents want control over their child and you are in the way you will have no legal recourse over it unless it is very very egregious.
Best thing to do is get that emancipation thing going, asap. Your state may have a voluntary guardianship form that a parent could theoretically sign, but it's revocable at any time by a legal Guardian so not super useful in your circumstances. If you want the IL one, pm me and we can chat more about that form.
You are doing your best in a very hard situation, and thank you for your time. I needed a place to be one and was taken in by a family friend and it was the most helpful experience of my life. It is a huge kindness, and really can make a difference to a kid in a bad situation.
DCFS/ CPS will require parental consent for a care placement in your home if your not already a licensed foster parent, and the family turns down/ Doesn't have kinship placement options. In many cases teens his age end up in teen group homes.
Families like this can easily make it so bad that you can't be an additional support, so I really encourage you not to push them when they are trying to stir conflict with inconsistency. Do what you must though. Good luck!
posted by AlexiaSky at 8:22 AM on May 18, 2023 [31 favorites]
Best thing to do is get that emancipation thing going, asap. Your state may have a voluntary guardianship form that a parent could theoretically sign, but it's revocable at any time by a legal Guardian so not super useful in your circumstances. If you want the IL one, pm me and we can chat more about that form.
You are doing your best in a very hard situation, and thank you for your time. I needed a place to be one and was taken in by a family friend and it was the most helpful experience of my life. It is a huge kindness, and really can make a difference to a kid in a bad situation.
DCFS/ CPS will require parental consent for a care placement in your home if your not already a licensed foster parent, and the family turns down/ Doesn't have kinship placement options. In many cases teens his age end up in teen group homes.
Families like this can easily make it so bad that you can't be an additional support, so I really encourage you not to push them when they are trying to stir conflict with inconsistency. Do what you must though. Good luck!
posted by AlexiaSky at 8:22 AM on May 18, 2023 [31 favorites]
Best answer: If you stop pursuing money I think this will all go away. The families I know who have done this have never received any money. It’s a huge point of control and makes the abusive parent feel like they ought to have a say. And since they’re abusive the say they have will also be abusive. The only way to go is full unentanglement.
posted by Bottlecap at 8:35 AM on May 18, 2023 [68 favorites]
posted by Bottlecap at 8:35 AM on May 18, 2023 [68 favorites]
Best answer: Oh hey I'm about 1/3 in the same situation as you! A 15 yr old lives with me 2.5 days a week whose parents are probably certifiable in some way. ((long rant about parents deleted.) My first thought wrt your post is that it's kind of a vain hope that the dad will pay you anything. IDK your situation, obviously, but it seems kind of unlikely. The question is, how much of an issue might this be for you? Only you can decide.
Personally, I don't have to deal with having the kid living full time at my house (with all its attendant expenses as well as the unavoidability of communicating with parents as much as you need to), but I do have some tips:
1. I would encourage you to contact the kid's school and get him started with school services ASAP, if you haven't already done so. School will provide not only counseling but also many other resources such as legal advice, food aid, busing to your house instead of his, etc. In my case I also informed CPS and to my utter surprise, CPS acted quickly and immediately by placing the kid with the grandparents. YMMV, but fair warning: when you get the school involved, they will likely need to contact CPS because they are mandatory reporters. You may wish to keep your involvement with the school secret from the parents. (Don't keep it secret from the kid.)
2. Before you spend a bunch of money consulting with a family lawyer, I would encourage you to define for yourself what role you want to take on in this kid's life. Once again, talking to the school counselors will give you an excellent idea of what this may mean for you as a member of this kid's care team (a useful way to remind yourself you aren't alone and you alone probably cannot be responsible!) in addition to where you stand legally (so that even if you eventually consult with a lawyer, you already have focused questions to ask them, minimizing your costs).
3. Take advantage of local resources for kids and families in need. My part-time kid gets bags of food from school every week which is much needed at the kid's own home because abusive dad often leaves the family with no food in spite of technically being able to afford it... and also we get all his clothes except socks and underwear from thirft shops. Since getting money from your kid's parents is so unlikely imo, you should visit thrift shops for clothing assistance, churches and community pantries for food assistance, etc. Since your kid is 16, this can be something HE does for himself with you going with him to show him how it's done and to help him talk to people, fill out forms, etc. if he needs the help... but mainly to provide emotional support as he does something that will likely be very difficult for him to do.
4. Your goal right now is to enable him to take care of himself, learn the ropes, obtain a measure of independence AND YET LEAN ON YOUR FULL SUPPORT. Through no fault or ill-intention of your own, you might accidentally communicate to this boy that once he learns to be independent, he's on his own. You might even think of it as an achievement and a joyful event, which it is, but... well, speaking from my personal experience as a 16 yr old who was kicked out of my parents' house, I went my whole adult life believing that *either* kids can have adults who take care of everything for them, *or* kids do everything on their own once adults abandon them. I could not fathom that there might be any middle ground. But now that my own children are teenagers, I am understanding the value of showing these kids (incl. my part time kid) that no matter how independent they are, they can still need - and get! - adult support. It's not all or nothing.
Good luck with everything. Please please please contact the school and then go from there.
posted by MiraK at 8:38 AM on May 18, 2023 [34 favorites]
Personally, I don't have to deal with having the kid living full time at my house (with all its attendant expenses as well as the unavoidability of communicating with parents as much as you need to), but I do have some tips:
1. I would encourage you to contact the kid's school and get him started with school services ASAP, if you haven't already done so. School will provide not only counseling but also many other resources such as legal advice, food aid, busing to your house instead of his, etc. In my case I also informed CPS and to my utter surprise, CPS acted quickly and immediately by placing the kid with the grandparents. YMMV, but fair warning: when you get the school involved, they will likely need to contact CPS because they are mandatory reporters. You may wish to keep your involvement with the school secret from the parents. (Don't keep it secret from the kid.)
2. Before you spend a bunch of money consulting with a family lawyer, I would encourage you to define for yourself what role you want to take on in this kid's life. Once again, talking to the school counselors will give you an excellent idea of what this may mean for you as a member of this kid's care team (a useful way to remind yourself you aren't alone and you alone probably cannot be responsible!) in addition to where you stand legally (so that even if you eventually consult with a lawyer, you already have focused questions to ask them, minimizing your costs).
3. Take advantage of local resources for kids and families in need. My part-time kid gets bags of food from school every week which is much needed at the kid's own home because abusive dad often leaves the family with no food in spite of technically being able to afford it... and also we get all his clothes except socks and underwear from thirft shops. Since getting money from your kid's parents is so unlikely imo, you should visit thrift shops for clothing assistance, churches and community pantries for food assistance, etc. Since your kid is 16, this can be something HE does for himself with you going with him to show him how it's done and to help him talk to people, fill out forms, etc. if he needs the help... but mainly to provide emotional support as he does something that will likely be very difficult for him to do.
4. Your goal right now is to enable him to take care of himself, learn the ropes, obtain a measure of independence AND YET LEAN ON YOUR FULL SUPPORT. Through no fault or ill-intention of your own, you might accidentally communicate to this boy that once he learns to be independent, he's on his own. You might even think of it as an achievement and a joyful event, which it is, but... well, speaking from my personal experience as a 16 yr old who was kicked out of my parents' house, I went my whole adult life believing that *either* kids can have adults who take care of everything for them, *or* kids do everything on their own once adults abandon them. I could not fathom that there might be any middle ground. But now that my own children are teenagers, I am understanding the value of showing these kids (incl. my part time kid) that no matter how independent they are, they can still need - and get! - adult support. It's not all or nothing.
Good luck with everything. Please please please contact the school and then go from there.
posted by MiraK at 8:38 AM on May 18, 2023 [34 favorites]
Best answer: Oh and I wanted to add: in the early days of taking in my part-time kid, I had delusions of being able to have regular communication and co-ordination with the parents.... and perhaps even being on friendly enough terms with them that I could make them stop seeing their kid as "all bad". (Grrrarrggghhhh it drives me FUCKING NUTS the way this family treats this kid as the black sheep for NO FUCKING REASON but that rant is not relevant here.)
Friend, let me tell you, that was a pretty stupid thing for me to hope. The parents of this kid are incapable of rationality. Within less than two weeks I was backing the fuck away from these people and now I have absolutely minimal contact with them. I let the school counselors deal with the family side of things. I have neither the expertise nor the risk tolerance nor any inclination whatsoever to subject myself to them beyond exactly two text messages per week saying "time for pick up" and "time for drop off".
I would advise you to do the same. Abusive dad and flaky mom can BOTH be equally dangerous to you. Do not engage.
posted by MiraK at 8:52 AM on May 18, 2023 [17 favorites]
Friend, let me tell you, that was a pretty stupid thing for me to hope. The parents of this kid are incapable of rationality. Within less than two weeks I was backing the fuck away from these people and now I have absolutely minimal contact with them. I let the school counselors deal with the family side of things. I have neither the expertise nor the risk tolerance nor any inclination whatsoever to subject myself to them beyond exactly two text messages per week saying "time for pick up" and "time for drop off".
I would advise you to do the same. Abusive dad and flaky mom can BOTH be equally dangerous to you. Do not engage.
posted by MiraK at 8:52 AM on May 18, 2023 [17 favorites]
Response by poster: You have all written such helpful answers. I think people are right who say the safest, best method is not to expect money, and we will be OK that way. We'd had a moment's hope, when his dad promised to pay some rent, that we could move to a three-bedroom apartment, but that is a thing I can't afford without help. None of us love that the 16yo is sleeping on a futon in my living room, but it says a lot that he prefers that to either of his parents' homes.
posted by Well I never at 9:05 AM on May 18, 2023 [42 favorites]
posted by Well I never at 9:05 AM on May 18, 2023 [42 favorites]
Best answer: You don't want to be relying on an abuser for your own financial stability, no.
posted by lapis at 9:22 AM on May 18, 2023 [30 favorites]
posted by lapis at 9:22 AM on May 18, 2023 [30 favorites]
Best answer: My mom let my brother's girlfriend live in our basement when they were juniors in high school. I don't remember the details why - I remember her being on good terms with her dad; maybe her mom had custody or something, and I think she was flaky. Details not important. The important thing, for the sake of this question, is that my mom didn't get anything from either of her parents, and I don't think she even asked. The other important thing is that this girl had a job and paid her own way for a lot of things. She bought her own clothes and gas, and some of her own food. (My mom also paid for some.) I would encourage this kid to do the same.
I don't think you're under any obligation to be in contact with either parent here. That's one of the advantages of not taking money from them. It's one thing to avoid the dad if he's sending you a rent check. But if his kid is living at your place rent-free, there's no reason you should tell him anything about the kid. If the kid wanted his dad to know about his schoolwork, he knows how to get a hold of him.
posted by kevinbelt at 9:33 AM on May 18, 2023 [5 favorites]
I don't think you're under any obligation to be in contact with either parent here. That's one of the advantages of not taking money from them. It's one thing to avoid the dad if he's sending you a rent check. But if his kid is living at your place rent-free, there's no reason you should tell him anything about the kid. If the kid wanted his dad to know about his schoolwork, he knows how to get a hold of him.
posted by kevinbelt at 9:33 AM on May 18, 2023 [5 favorites]
If you end up having a conversation with the dad that's cordial, maybe try refocusing him on his own freedom, the chance to not think about the kid because you've got him (while emphasizing how necessary child support is, and that the freedom is for his mind -- not worrying, or spending time thinking about this). Ask him if there's something he's been meaning to do for fun or a project he's been putting off because he just hasn't had the luxury of focusing on it because he's been so worried.
If necessary for the dad's peace of mind, you could find a way to offer regular (monthly?) updates to him, just so he's reassured that he _really_ doesn't have anything to worry about.
This implies that you _can_ have a conversation like this with him, but if you can, and if the dad likes you and is friendly to you, it could cause an epiphany.
If you're working with some kind of social worker, maybe they have more insight, and can tell you if what I described is not a good idea for some reason. They might have better strategies. Ask an expert.
posted by amtho at 9:47 AM on May 18, 2023
If necessary for the dad's peace of mind, you could find a way to offer regular (monthly?) updates to him, just so he's reassured that he _really_ doesn't have anything to worry about.
This implies that you _can_ have a conversation like this with him, but if you can, and if the dad likes you and is friendly to you, it could cause an epiphany.
If you're working with some kind of social worker, maybe they have more insight, and can tell you if what I described is not a good idea for some reason. They might have better strategies. Ask an expert.
posted by amtho at 9:47 AM on May 18, 2023
Best answer: bless you for helping this kid. Having safe, helpful, reliable adults in a kid's life is such a huge, formative factor.
My only advice would be -- along with not expecting any help from them -- to be "nice" to the dad (while minimizing contact and not sharing any information that would hurt the kid, of course.) Men like this carry plenty of well-deserved shame and it easily gets expressed into resentment of the person who makes them feel it -- in this case, you, and his son. We already know he's a violent, controlling and irrational man, so do what you can to hide your (entirely appropriate) contempt... don't let him make an enemy of you in his head.
posted by fingersandtoes at 9:52 AM on May 18, 2023 [16 favorites]
My only advice would be -- along with not expecting any help from them -- to be "nice" to the dad (while minimizing contact and not sharing any information that would hurt the kid, of course.) Men like this carry plenty of well-deserved shame and it easily gets expressed into resentment of the person who makes them feel it -- in this case, you, and his son. We already know he's a violent, controlling and irrational man, so do what you can to hide your (entirely appropriate) contempt... don't let him make an enemy of you in his head.
posted by fingersandtoes at 9:52 AM on May 18, 2023 [16 favorites]
Best answer: A practical thought: I grew up with a kid who had to stay with another family and slept on a sofabed for years. It ws a small apartment so his bed had to be folded up into a sofa when others were awake, meaning he had nowhere to retreat to, he had no way to be alone until the adults went to bed and relinquished the sofa, and he had about 30 mins a day of extra chores that the other kids didn't have: folding up his bedding and keeping his clothes out of the adults' way and hiding all trace of himself from the living room.
In retrospect it made him basically Cinderella, and I think the lack of private space and no "safe den" during the day kept his nervous system on alert, making it really hard for him to self-regulate, and thus showed up in unwanted behaviours, some dissociation, and sometimes a reactive temperament. Plus, always having to tuck and hide away evidence of his presence (so others could use the living room) harmed his self-esteem - on some level that would make anyone feel unwanted.
So, if there's any way to turn a corner of a room into a "permanent bedroom" for the kid, I highly suggest it. Meaning, a bed that doesn't need to fold up during the day, a place where some mess can be left on the floor for a few days without imposing on others, curtains, earplugs, and a white noise machine for privacy, headphones so he can watch something on a screen, his own phone charging spot, a fan, a little light for nice ambiance, a way to organize his clothes, a toiletry caddy, a space to do homework (even just a firm pillow to lean on and a tiny folding lap desk) and give him a budget for some decor of his choosing at a thrift shop or Target. And give him his own toiletry space in the bathroom, a photo of him on the fridge, etc - really make spaces just for him, even if they're small. Having his own "zone" to retreat to, and actual space for at least some of this things, will really help his mental health and likely make him easier to live with.
It's amazing what you're doing - on behalf of society, thank you for being that village!
posted by nouvelle-personne at 9:56 AM on May 18, 2023 [77 favorites]
In retrospect it made him basically Cinderella, and I think the lack of private space and no "safe den" during the day kept his nervous system on alert, making it really hard for him to self-regulate, and thus showed up in unwanted behaviours, some dissociation, and sometimes a reactive temperament. Plus, always having to tuck and hide away evidence of his presence (so others could use the living room) harmed his self-esteem - on some level that would make anyone feel unwanted.
So, if there's any way to turn a corner of a room into a "permanent bedroom" for the kid, I highly suggest it. Meaning, a bed that doesn't need to fold up during the day, a place where some mess can be left on the floor for a few days without imposing on others, curtains, earplugs, and a white noise machine for privacy, headphones so he can watch something on a screen, his own phone charging spot, a fan, a little light for nice ambiance, a way to organize his clothes, a toiletry caddy, a space to do homework (even just a firm pillow to lean on and a tiny folding lap desk) and give him a budget for some decor of his choosing at a thrift shop or Target. And give him his own toiletry space in the bathroom, a photo of him on the fridge, etc - really make spaces just for him, even if they're small. Having his own "zone" to retreat to, and actual space for at least some of this things, will really help his mental health and likely make him easier to live with.
It's amazing what you're doing - on behalf of society, thank you for being that village!
posted by nouvelle-personne at 9:56 AM on May 18, 2023 [77 favorites]
This is all really great advice. I would just highlight that helping the 16 year old access supports (he may need to emancipate first) will help him for years forward. This happened with a teen I love and he still can access extra medical/mental health supports. It is important to do it in the context of security, the security that you are providing.
posted by warriorqueen at 10:34 AM on May 18, 2023 [3 favorites]
posted by warriorqueen at 10:34 AM on May 18, 2023 [3 favorites]
Based on a friend’s experience in high school emancipation is absolutely the way to go. The process was straightforward — the only hitch was to demonstrate that he could survive on his own, which required the hosting parents to assure the court (I don’t know how) that they intended to support him until age 18.
And yes, minimize contact with the parents and stop asking them for anything. Down that road lies madness.
My friend remembers it as a very stressful time in his life but says, and I quote, that it beat the hell out of living with his parents.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 10:37 AM on May 18, 2023 [5 favorites]
And yes, minimize contact with the parents and stop asking them for anything. Down that road lies madness.
My friend remembers it as a very stressful time in his life but says, and I quote, that it beat the hell out of living with his parents.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 10:37 AM on May 18, 2023 [5 favorites]
I'm also here to say, whatever else happens, the kid should pursue emancipation. You may find it is more straightforward than you think. This is important not for the next couple of years (medical care would be the big thing here) but also if they want to attend college at all, because emancipation means that they don't have to declare any info about their parents on the FASFA, which they would otherwise need to do.
Thank you for giving them a safe space to grow into adulthood.
posted by anastasiav at 11:07 AM on May 18, 2023 [19 favorites]
Thank you for giving them a safe space to grow into adulthood.
posted by anastasiav at 11:07 AM on May 18, 2023 [19 favorites]
nouvelle-personne's if there's any way to turn a corner of a room into a "permanent bedroom" for the kid reminded me of something. I vacationed with my sister and her husband in a 1-bedroom condo. For privacy, I brought my tent and pitched it in the living room, and it became a 2nd bedroom for me. Perhaps you could somehow squeeze a 6'x6' pop-up canopy into the corner of your living room, add curtains for privacy, and leave it there permanently. (They also make 6'x4' pop-up canopies.)
Just a thought.
posted by SageTrail at 12:04 PM on May 18, 2023 [6 favorites]
Just a thought.
posted by SageTrail at 12:04 PM on May 18, 2023 [6 favorites]
I think you've figured this out but you absolutely don't want to be reliant on this kid's dad to give you money that you would absolutely need into order to pay your rent. Even if you get something from him, it won't be reliable and it will become a threat that he can use to further de-stabilize your life.
posted by metahawk at 12:10 PM on May 18, 2023 [7 favorites]
posted by metahawk at 12:10 PM on May 18, 2023 [7 favorites]
Assuming there is space for it to begin with, a folding screen is a fairly inexpensive and flexible way to cordon off a corner of a room in semi-privacy. Won't do much about teen boy smells but will spare your eyes from most of the teenage mess.
posted by praemunire at 12:28 PM on May 18, 2023 [3 favorites]
posted by praemunire at 12:28 PM on May 18, 2023 [3 favorites]
Also, the rules are complicated and vary by state, but it would not do any harm to look into whether an emancipated minor under 18 is entitled to any benefits or health insurance.
posted by praemunire at 12:34 PM on May 18, 2023 [1 favorite]
posted by praemunire at 12:34 PM on May 18, 2023 [1 favorite]
Yeah, I would prioritize pursuing emancipation, which should put the kid in contact with a social worker familiar with the process (and the situations that necessitate it) and what services become available to them. That SW should be able to tell you how to handle any discussion of material support from their current legal guardians. My gut says that accepting any or leaving a question mark about whether you did might complicate their case, but certainly IF any support is provided it should be via a traceable process like a transfer into the child's bank account, or even just paypal or zelle. I would definitely not accept any cash at this time, or even let them use it to attempt to manipulate.
Get some folks in your (and their) corner asap, is my feeling. You are currently in a tricky place of liability and you want your butt covered.
posted by Lyn Never at 12:41 PM on May 18, 2023 [3 favorites]
Get some folks in your (and their) corner asap, is my feeling. You are currently in a tricky place of liability and you want your butt covered.
posted by Lyn Never at 12:41 PM on May 18, 2023 [3 favorites]
You should be fairly compensated by both parents because kids are expensive, and because there's already child support being paid. 16 year olds often have more legal rights. Yes, see a family lawyer, set up a plan and everyone should sign. You may be able to have legal custody if it comes to that. Dad sounds like a bully, bullies usually respect lawyers and courts more than individuals.
Some of the money could be banked for his future education, and I hope he stays with you regardless of compensation, because you are doing such a good thing. Thank you.
posted by theora55 at 12:42 PM on May 18, 2023 [1 favorite]
Some of the money could be banked for his future education, and I hope he stays with you regardless of compensation, because you are doing such a good thing. Thank you.
posted by theora55 at 12:42 PM on May 18, 2023 [1 favorite]
I think sorting out the legal situation is paramount. The child is still legally under the parents, and if he needs care, even emergency care, it's the parents who have the legal and financial responsibility. This could get complicated without legal authority to protect you. You wouldn't be able to view his medical records, talk to the doctors, etc. The parents might accuse you of something if you took to kid for a vaccine, for example. The legal guardian is the person who must give permission for care and has access to the records. And- a biggie - schools will not communicate with you, but only to the legal guardian or parents. Also, the kid needs insurance. What if his dad loses insurance, or kicks the kid off in a pique of anger? (I actually know someone whose parents did this in anger. It was not good.) I don't know how soon emancipation can be arranged, but fostering might be faster and bridge a gap is he wants emancipation.
In the foster care system, in my state there is monthly financial support that flows to the foster parents, as well as health insurance, and the extra money could help you get a larger apartment. A bonus is this moots any potential sticky financial situation with the father.
Bless you for agreeing to this!!! You are making a wonderful investment in this child's life.
posted by citygirl at 1:01 PM on May 18, 2023 [1 favorite]
In the foster care system, in my state there is monthly financial support that flows to the foster parents, as well as health insurance, and the extra money could help you get a larger apartment. A bonus is this moots any potential sticky financial situation with the father.
Bless you for agreeing to this!!! You are making a wonderful investment in this child's life.
posted by citygirl at 1:01 PM on May 18, 2023 [1 favorite]
As a suggestion, any homeless youth organization in your area will have on the ground information about pursuing emancipation for a minor, they will have names for legal aid, tidbits of the process from experience such as certain districts or judges being more favorable or if a specific judge will require work history and so forth. They will also be a great fallback if something happens and your unable to continue, knowing a face and an organization to reach put too can really lower the bar in terms of a teen accessing supportive services.
I've worked in social work a long time, and I've never heard of a non relative of a child being compensated for care unless they were a licensed foster parent and the child was in the dcfs/cps system AND the child was assigned to them. If licensing process is something you are willing to do , it could be useful. But it absolutely is not a guarantee. Because of dcfs moving parts re placement, even if they thought it was necessary, which they may not.
There is no legal straightforward remedy for a non parent who volunteers their time, money and space to get child support, or financial assistance from parents.
Please reach out to a local organization who has on the ground knowledge about how things work where you are.
posted by AlexiaSky at 2:16 PM on May 18, 2023 [7 favorites]
I've worked in social work a long time, and I've never heard of a non relative of a child being compensated for care unless they were a licensed foster parent and the child was in the dcfs/cps system AND the child was assigned to them. If licensing process is something you are willing to do , it could be useful. But it absolutely is not a guarantee. Because of dcfs moving parts re placement, even if they thought it was necessary, which they may not.
There is no legal straightforward remedy for a non parent who volunteers their time, money and space to get child support, or financial assistance from parents.
Please reach out to a local organization who has on the ground knowledge about how things work where you are.
posted by AlexiaSky at 2:16 PM on May 18, 2023 [7 favorites]
The child is lucky to have you in their corner. I agree that pursuing or expecting financial support from either parent is not going to be reliable, so you should plan on having to resource everything yourself.
I would not initiate any contact with the parents, because it's clear every contact makes things worse for you and the child. The parents know how to contact you if they want, but you can control that to some extent by refusing to continue any conversation that turns ugly.
Contact whatever agency is responsible for child welfare in your area and ask them for advice. Definitely consult with a lawyer as well, to make sure you don't accidentally fall foul of the law if one of the parents decides to get nasty and claim you've kidnapped the child or something. Don't assume even a tiny amount of rational behaviour from the parents. At 16, emancipation is definitely something to look into, as it removes the parents from the equation in a legal sense and gives the child some degree of comfort that their parents can't take over and try to decide what they can do or where they live. Your current situation is precarious because you have little or no legal rights and the child has even less.
posted by dg at 4:12 PM on May 18, 2023 [1 favorite]
I would not initiate any contact with the parents, because it's clear every contact makes things worse for you and the child. The parents know how to contact you if they want, but you can control that to some extent by refusing to continue any conversation that turns ugly.
Contact whatever agency is responsible for child welfare in your area and ask them for advice. Definitely consult with a lawyer as well, to make sure you don't accidentally fall foul of the law if one of the parents decides to get nasty and claim you've kidnapped the child or something. Don't assume even a tiny amount of rational behaviour from the parents. At 16, emancipation is definitely something to look into, as it removes the parents from the equation in a legal sense and gives the child some degree of comfort that their parents can't take over and try to decide what they can do or where they live. Your current situation is precarious because you have little or no legal rights and the child has even less.
posted by dg at 4:12 PM on May 18, 2023 [1 favorite]
Encourage both kids to look for summer jobs. This will not only help them both build some skills but it will also give them their own spending money.
I wish I'd had a friend with a parent like you when I was 16!
posted by mareli at 5:02 PM on May 18, 2023 [1 favorite]
I wish I'd had a friend with a parent like you when I was 16!
posted by mareli at 5:02 PM on May 18, 2023 [1 favorite]
I personally would be extremely reluctant to involve Child Protective/Welfare Services at this stage, or other mandated reporters, at least if you want the child to continue living with you. You don't currently have any legal status in this child's life and these systems are likely to make things harder for you.
I think talking to a lawyer first, or general inquires with social-services agencies, is a good idea.
Pay attention to what AlexiaSky has posted, or advice from other professional people in social services. What should happen in an ideal world and what is likely to happen in this world are often very different.
posted by lapis at 7:10 PM on May 18, 2023 [9 favorites]
I think talking to a lawyer first, or general inquires with social-services agencies, is a good idea.
Pay attention to what AlexiaSky has posted, or advice from other professional people in social services. What should happen in an ideal world and what is likely to happen in this world are often very different.
posted by lapis at 7:10 PM on May 18, 2023 [9 favorites]
Yeah, getting the authorities involved is very likely to result in things being much worse for the kid. If things are basically stable now, leave it alone.
posted by Bottlecap at 7:15 PM on May 18, 2023
posted by Bottlecap at 7:15 PM on May 18, 2023
Thank you so much for taking in this kid. My family took in my best friend most winter breaks and summers while I was in high school, and it made such a big difference in her life (single mom working 3pm-12am shift).
posted by samthemander at 9:39 PM on May 18, 2023 [1 favorite]
posted by samthemander at 9:39 PM on May 18, 2023 [1 favorite]
There is a complication that no one has mentioned: the father is currently receiving child support payments from the mother. Since the child is living with you, the father is presumably pocketing that money and using it for his own enrichment. That gives him another reason to fight emancipation or another other change that would stop the flow of money to his pocket. Be prepared for him to fight.
posted by Winnie the Proust at 7:17 AM on May 19, 2023 [6 favorites]
posted by Winnie the Proust at 7:17 AM on May 19, 2023 [6 favorites]
We ended up taking in two teenagers whose parents …imploded. As it was, they were pretty feral from the experience of living with their parents, and could live on their own in many ways. But they had some blind spots to living in an adult way. Also, their education had suffered dearly due to many moves that disrupted schooling. You might look at how you can be declared a guardian in your region, and/or have the child talk to their school clearly about where they are at in education. Once you are emancipated, not being able to read or do simple math can have a crippling effect on future employment.
posted by nickggully at 7:21 PM on May 19, 2023
posted by nickggully at 7:21 PM on May 19, 2023
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posted by Zumbador at 7:56 AM on May 18, 2023 [18 favorites]