How do you know when you're good to try dating after a LTR breakup?
May 18, 2023 5:02 AM Subscribe
My relationship busted up in November. It was a long relationship and a pretty rough time. I'm lonely and want to dip a toe in the dating pool but I don't want to be a rebound mess.
I'm doing some of the stuff you're supposed to do. I'm working on having my own good life now, and to some encouraging extent, I do. I'm starting therapy in hopefully a few weeks after a false start with the wrong therapist. I'm not miserable--in many ways much happier than before--but I wake up lonely and have flashes of it during the day.
I got on tinder probably two months after the breakup and quickly realized it was a mistake. Went on one date with a nice guy where I couldn't wait to leave. Looked around more, felt gross about the whole endeavor, deleted it. Have hooked up some which has felt some good, some bad, and looked passively for a while on OkCupid where they charge you a ton for basic functionality so I balked. It wasn't looking promising anyway.
Part of me wants to take another stab at it. Part of me thinks online dating is fucked anyway and I have to figure something else out. (There's kind of a plan for the whole "meet people with your interests" strategy but for stupid reasons, the best prospect for that won't happen for a couple of months.)
But the big question is: how do I know when to even bother? The date I went on a few months ago was just CLEARLY such a non starter and a stupid idea, but I don't feel like I have much perspective on how good to go I am or am not. Do I just hit the dating trail and accept that some of it is going to be awkward and bad because I'm recently damaged goods with a full set of baggage?
I'm doing some of the stuff you're supposed to do. I'm working on having my own good life now, and to some encouraging extent, I do. I'm starting therapy in hopefully a few weeks after a false start with the wrong therapist. I'm not miserable--in many ways much happier than before--but I wake up lonely and have flashes of it during the day.
I got on tinder probably two months after the breakup and quickly realized it was a mistake. Went on one date with a nice guy where I couldn't wait to leave. Looked around more, felt gross about the whole endeavor, deleted it. Have hooked up some which has felt some good, some bad, and looked passively for a while on OkCupid where they charge you a ton for basic functionality so I balked. It wasn't looking promising anyway.
Part of me wants to take another stab at it. Part of me thinks online dating is fucked anyway and I have to figure something else out. (There's kind of a plan for the whole "meet people with your interests" strategy but for stupid reasons, the best prospect for that won't happen for a couple of months.)
But the big question is: how do I know when to even bother? The date I went on a few months ago was just CLEARLY such a non starter and a stupid idea, but I don't feel like I have much perspective on how good to go I am or am not. Do I just hit the dating trail and accept that some of it is going to be awkward and bad because I'm recently damaged goods with a full set of baggage?
The rule of thumb I've seen used here and elsewhere is to wait until you've been out of the relationship for half as long as you were in it -- so if it was a 1 year relationship, you'd wait 6 months before trying to start anything else
I like this rule for medium-length relationships, but it kind of has to taper off at the high end — no need to wait ten years after a twenty-year marriage.
posted by nebulawindphone at 5:26 AM on May 18, 2023 [28 favorites]
I like this rule for medium-length relationships, but it kind of has to taper off at the high end — no need to wait ten years after a twenty-year marriage.
posted by nebulawindphone at 5:26 AM on May 18, 2023 [28 favorites]
But the big question is: how do I know when to even bother?
There's no rule. It's When You Feel Like It.
When you feel like you want to go on a date, make an account on Bumble.
Send a few interesting/multi-word messages (not just "hi") to a few guys who seem fine. Set yourself a limit so you're not swiping all day: idk maybe 5. See who bites.
Arrange a casual coffee date for the upcoming weekend: something midday, something that can be wrapped up and bailed from quickly.
Feels good? Cool, do it again next weekend.
Feels bad? Go into the Bumble settings, snooze your profile, and delete the app from your phone.
Next time you feel like you want to go on a date, download the app, log back in, un-snooze your profile, and do it again.
None of this has to be all or nothing.
posted by phunniemee at 5:30 AM on May 18, 2023 [17 favorites]
There's no rule. It's When You Feel Like It.
When you feel like you want to go on a date, make an account on Bumble.
Send a few interesting/multi-word messages (not just "hi") to a few guys who seem fine. Set yourself a limit so you're not swiping all day: idk maybe 5. See who bites.
Arrange a casual coffee date for the upcoming weekend: something midday, something that can be wrapped up and bailed from quickly.
Feels good? Cool, do it again next weekend.
Feels bad? Go into the Bumble settings, snooze your profile, and delete the app from your phone.
Next time you feel like you want to go on a date, download the app, log back in, un-snooze your profile, and do it again.
None of this has to be all or nothing.
posted by phunniemee at 5:30 AM on May 18, 2023 [17 favorites]
And the issue is absolutely not that you might be too damaged for other people. It's that you might get overwhelmed by Big Feelings and ignore what's good for you.
Here's my pet theory. You know why a lot of people benefit from a short bullshit rebound relationship before they get serious again? It reminds them they can still walk away from bullshit. Because that's the real question: if someone you're starting to date is shitty to you, can you get up and walk away with minimal spitefulness and at least a little grace?
posted by nebulawindphone at 5:38 AM on May 18, 2023 [19 favorites]
Here's my pet theory. You know why a lot of people benefit from a short bullshit rebound relationship before they get serious again? It reminds them they can still walk away from bullshit. Because that's the real question: if someone you're starting to date is shitty to you, can you get up and walk away with minimal spitefulness and at least a little grace?
posted by nebulawindphone at 5:38 AM on May 18, 2023 [19 favorites]
The rule of thumb I've seen used here and elsewhere is to wait until you've been out of the relationship for half as long as you were in it -- so if it was a 1 year relationship, you'd wait 6 months before trying to start anything else
The rule of thumb I have heard the most often is "at least one month single per year of relationship." I never personally deliberately followed this, and like all rules of thumb it may not be appropriate for a given person's personal situation. But the basic idea of "give things some time before making a major commitment" seems very sound.
Do I just hit the dating trail and accept that some of it is going to be awkward and bad because I'm recently damaged goods with a full set of baggage?
I know this is just a casual phrase, but I don't think anyone is "damaged goods." Once you are out of your twenties, basically everyone you could possibly date will have baggage of their own, maybe from bad relationships, or a good relationship that ended sadly, or from not finding relationships. We all have that baggage and a major part of having a relationship as an adult is navigating that baggage as kindly as possible.
posted by Dip Flash at 6:19 AM on May 18, 2023 [2 favorites]
The rule of thumb I have heard the most often is "at least one month single per year of relationship." I never personally deliberately followed this, and like all rules of thumb it may not be appropriate for a given person's personal situation. But the basic idea of "give things some time before making a major commitment" seems very sound.
Do I just hit the dating trail and accept that some of it is going to be awkward and bad because I'm recently damaged goods with a full set of baggage?
I know this is just a casual phrase, but I don't think anyone is "damaged goods." Once you are out of your twenties, basically everyone you could possibly date will have baggage of their own, maybe from bad relationships, or a good relationship that ended sadly, or from not finding relationships. We all have that baggage and a major part of having a relationship as an adult is navigating that baggage as kindly as possible.
posted by Dip Flash at 6:19 AM on May 18, 2023 [2 favorites]
some of it is going to be awkward and bad because I'm recently damaged goods with a full set of baggage?
This is what stood out to me as well - if you have such a low opinion of yourself as to really think your "damaged goods" then perhaps you aren't ready to date. Dating requires at least a base-line level of confidence in thinking "Yeah, I might not be perfect, but I have a lot to offer - plenty of people would be lucky to have a relationship with me." So I'd work on recognizing all you have to offer before you start dating on the apps (which therapy should help you with - good luck matching with a better one!)
posted by coffeecat at 7:40 AM on May 18, 2023
This is what stood out to me as well - if you have such a low opinion of yourself as to really think your "damaged goods" then perhaps you aren't ready to date. Dating requires at least a base-line level of confidence in thinking "Yeah, I might not be perfect, but I have a lot to offer - plenty of people would be lucky to have a relationship with me." So I'd work on recognizing all you have to offer before you start dating on the apps (which therapy should help you with - good luck matching with a better one!)
posted by coffeecat at 7:40 AM on May 18, 2023
How do you know when you're good to try dating after a LTR breakup?
Honestly, I don't think you can know without actually going on a few dates and seeing how you feel. You might surprise yourself and find putting yourself out there again becomes you, and wasn't difficult or awkward or too much too soon.
The date I went on a few months ago was just CLEARLY such a non starter and a stupid idea
You can't conclude anything from one bad date. Yes, maybe it meant you're not ready for new romance; then again, maybe it meant nothing except you and your date didn't click. If you guys had clicked I imagine you would have come away with a different feeling about dating.
Which is even more reason to go on a few dates--you might meet someone you like!
posted by BadgerDoctor at 8:03 AM on May 18, 2023 [1 favorite]
Honestly, I don't think you can know without actually going on a few dates and seeing how you feel. You might surprise yourself and find putting yourself out there again becomes you, and wasn't difficult or awkward or too much too soon.
The date I went on a few months ago was just CLEARLY such a non starter and a stupid idea
You can't conclude anything from one bad date. Yes, maybe it meant you're not ready for new romance; then again, maybe it meant nothing except you and your date didn't click. If you guys had clicked I imagine you would have come away with a different feeling about dating.
Which is even more reason to go on a few dates--you might meet someone you like!
posted by BadgerDoctor at 8:03 AM on May 18, 2023 [1 favorite]
some of it is going to be awkward and bad because I'm recently damaged goods with a full set of baggage?
Some of dating is going to be awkward and bad because it always is. I think others are also seeing this as the indicator, more than anything, that you might not be in a good spot for dating. Not because you ARE damaged goods (you're not) but because you're still too deep in some narratives from/around the breakup to be clear-eyed about it.
Frankly, you sound pretty depressed and down on yourself in this post, and maybe a little resentful about the prospect of dating? Which maybe you are! That's a normal way to feel after a breakup. Because of the breakup, you now have to do a hard thing that will often not be terrifically fun--it's okay to feel resentful about that.
But you'll know you're ready to date when you don't feel like it's a horrible chore you HAVE to do because of STUPID BREAKUP GUH.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 8:21 AM on May 18, 2023 [4 favorites]
Some of dating is going to be awkward and bad because it always is. I think others are also seeing this as the indicator, more than anything, that you might not be in a good spot for dating. Not because you ARE damaged goods (you're not) but because you're still too deep in some narratives from/around the breakup to be clear-eyed about it.
Frankly, you sound pretty depressed and down on yourself in this post, and maybe a little resentful about the prospect of dating? Which maybe you are! That's a normal way to feel after a breakup. Because of the breakup, you now have to do a hard thing that will often not be terrifically fun--it's okay to feel resentful about that.
But you'll know you're ready to date when you don't feel like it's a horrible chore you HAVE to do because of STUPID BREAKUP GUH.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 8:21 AM on May 18, 2023 [4 favorites]
Do I just hit the dating trail and accept that some of it is going to be awkward and bad
Go ahead and stop that sentence right here. Some of dating is going to be awkward and bad because (seconding wpofiBH) that's just kind of how it is. And when you're at a point where you can accept that it's part of the process and a) not feel like it's a flaw in you and b) not feel like it's a bother, you'll be ready.
I'm sorry you're feeling lonely, that's really hard. And you don't have to get to some ideal of "I'm perfectly great on my own!!!" to be okay to start dating again, but please save yourself the emotional drain of dating if you're feeling like there's something inherently wrong with you because your last relationship ended. And even when you get to a better place with your feelings about yourself and dating, it's always okay to try dating, decide it's not working for you right now and take a break for awhile.
posted by EvaDestruction at 8:35 AM on May 18, 2023
Go ahead and stop that sentence right here. Some of dating is going to be awkward and bad because (seconding wpofiBH) that's just kind of how it is. And when you're at a point where you can accept that it's part of the process and a) not feel like it's a flaw in you and b) not feel like it's a bother, you'll be ready.
I'm sorry you're feeling lonely, that's really hard. And you don't have to get to some ideal of "I'm perfectly great on my own!!!" to be okay to start dating again, but please save yourself the emotional drain of dating if you're feeling like there's something inherently wrong with you because your last relationship ended. And even when you get to a better place with your feelings about yourself and dating, it's always okay to try dating, decide it's not working for you right now and take a break for awhile.
posted by EvaDestruction at 8:35 AM on May 18, 2023
You're not damaged goods. At least, not because you just got out of a failed relationship. And everyone with a modicum of life experience has "baggage."
You're ready to date when you're ready to approach dating with the right mindset, and there's no timeline for that. For me, the trick was to try to appreciate each date on its own, and not invest it with too much importance. I also think there's a certain amount of practice involved—I realize that implies an instrumental view of your fellow human as practice partners, but I don't think you'll become better dating material by not dating.
FWIW, the next-to-last online date I went on was just hilariously bad. The last one was the one where I met my current wife.
posted by adamrice at 9:17 AM on May 18, 2023
You're ready to date when you're ready to approach dating with the right mindset, and there's no timeline for that. For me, the trick was to try to appreciate each date on its own, and not invest it with too much importance. I also think there's a certain amount of practice involved—I realize that implies an instrumental view of your fellow human as practice partners, but I don't think you'll become better dating material by not dating.
FWIW, the next-to-last online date I went on was just hilariously bad. The last one was the one where I met my current wife.
posted by adamrice at 9:17 AM on May 18, 2023
I agree with everyone saying it's super unhealthy to think of yourself or anyone as "damaged goods." You're a person who has lived life, like all of us.
There's no right or wrong timeline for dating. It sounds like you weren't ready on that first date a few months ago, and that's okay. You didn't do anything wrong; that's how you figured out you weren't ready.
Online dating can be tough, and it can also be great when you connect with someone, or even when you have an interesting conversation and don't particularly want to go on another date. I have learned some pretty cool things from people who I didn't want to date. Online dating doesn't have to be either/or. You can both be on the apps and try to cultivate connections in more everyday situations.
It seems like it would be really great if you worked on self-compassion. Life is messy and awkward and sometimes sad and sometimes joyful and grand. That's what it is. See if you can embrace it, and embrace yourself when you feel that way.
posted by bluedaisy at 11:19 AM on May 18, 2023
There's no right or wrong timeline for dating. It sounds like you weren't ready on that first date a few months ago, and that's okay. You didn't do anything wrong; that's how you figured out you weren't ready.
Online dating can be tough, and it can also be great when you connect with someone, or even when you have an interesting conversation and don't particularly want to go on another date. I have learned some pretty cool things from people who I didn't want to date. Online dating doesn't have to be either/or. You can both be on the apps and try to cultivate connections in more everyday situations.
It seems like it would be really great if you worked on self-compassion. Life is messy and awkward and sometimes sad and sometimes joyful and grand. That's what it is. See if you can embrace it, and embrace yourself when you feel that way.
posted by bluedaisy at 11:19 AM on May 18, 2023
So the problem is that you're lonely, so is the solution to date? Because there are plenty of ways to ease loneliness which I'm sure you're already aware of. Friends, family, volunteer, pets, travel, dive into hobbies, go to meetups, take a class, etc. etc.
Are you ready to date? Well, what do you want out of dating? Do you want to meet cool new people (because that can be done in other ways besides dating)? Do you want some romance, the butterflies of a new someone, one night stands, FWB, another long-term relationship? I think if you can get clear with yourself about that, that will make your dating process a lot easier. And put what you want in your profile.
A LOT of people are in your position. Broken up from an LTR, or recently separated/divorced and they want some attention and validation, so you're not alone in being "recently damaged goods with a full set of baggage" and I agree with everyone to please don't think about yourself that way. Nothing wrong with wanting attention and validation. Just be aware that dating can be a minefield and may be not the best thing if you're still a little emotionally raw and vulnerable.
Dating can be a real shitshow as you suspected, with ghosts, people not responding, being stood up, people being nasty or abusive, catfish, bots and scammers, people who cheat, and you could also find some really nice people whom you have chemistry or not, and end up being friends with. All I can say is don't get invested in anyone until you meet, and even then, don't get too invested. Again, keep in mind what you want. If you want hookups or FWB, plenty of people are looking for that too. It sounds to me that you don't want another LTR. Instead of a rebound, what happens is people find someone really awesome, things are going great, the other person wants to get serious, the person is not ready, and they have to break up with a great person and end up hurting them.
Tl;dr: You know you're ready to date when you feel you can handle all the crap that comes with dating (which includes getting your feelings hurt; potentially hurting others), you know that you won't get too emotionally invested (which can help with not getting your feelings hurt as much), and you know what you want to get out of dating and can be clear with others about that. Note: it's ok to also use dating to figure some of this out; to learn who/how you are as a dater and what you want (btw, what did you learn about yourself from being on Tinder and your hookups?). Being able to not get too emotionally invested is key though.
posted by foxjacket at 7:36 AM on May 19, 2023
Are you ready to date? Well, what do you want out of dating? Do you want to meet cool new people (because that can be done in other ways besides dating)? Do you want some romance, the butterflies of a new someone, one night stands, FWB, another long-term relationship? I think if you can get clear with yourself about that, that will make your dating process a lot easier. And put what you want in your profile.
A LOT of people are in your position. Broken up from an LTR, or recently separated/divorced and they want some attention and validation, so you're not alone in being "recently damaged goods with a full set of baggage" and I agree with everyone to please don't think about yourself that way. Nothing wrong with wanting attention and validation. Just be aware that dating can be a minefield and may be not the best thing if you're still a little emotionally raw and vulnerable.
Dating can be a real shitshow as you suspected, with ghosts, people not responding, being stood up, people being nasty or abusive, catfish, bots and scammers, people who cheat, and you could also find some really nice people whom you have chemistry or not, and end up being friends with. All I can say is don't get invested in anyone until you meet, and even then, don't get too invested. Again, keep in mind what you want. If you want hookups or FWB, plenty of people are looking for that too. It sounds to me that you don't want another LTR. Instead of a rebound, what happens is people find someone really awesome, things are going great, the other person wants to get serious, the person is not ready, and they have to break up with a great person and end up hurting them.
Tl;dr: You know you're ready to date when you feel you can handle all the crap that comes with dating (which includes getting your feelings hurt; potentially hurting others), you know that you won't get too emotionally invested (which can help with not getting your feelings hurt as much), and you know what you want to get out of dating and can be clear with others about that. Note: it's ok to also use dating to figure some of this out; to learn who/how you are as a dater and what you want (btw, what did you learn about yourself from being on Tinder and your hookups?). Being able to not get too emotionally invested is key though.
posted by foxjacket at 7:36 AM on May 19, 2023
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Also for what it's worth, being out of a long term and difficult relationship doesn't make you "damaged goods with a full set of baggage", it makes you a human being. Try not to be so hard on yourself.
If you're lonely in the meantime you could try looking for friendship stuff rather than relationships, or just some human contact or a new project to keep you mentally occupied. I tend to start a class after I've been through a break up, usually life drawing or some kind of creative hobby I'd been neglecting. It'll get you out of the house and meeting new people regularly in an organic way that doesn't have to go anywhere.
posted by fight or flight at 5:07 AM on May 18, 2023