Trash Talk for Children

May 17, 2023 2:01 PM

I'm going to be in a dunk tank at an elementary (4th-6th) field day and I want to kindly, sweetly, appropriately taunt the children. Give me your ideas.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero to Education (22 answers total)

You may get some mileage from the responses to this previous question of mine.
posted by phunniemee at 2:13 PM on May 17, 2023

Best answer: What a blast! I used to co-announce for my local kickball league and my partner was absolutely brilliant at this. He’d act like he was the announcer for an old-timey baseball game and make up fake names and histories for the players - “and now Gooseberry McPhee approaches the plate - this is going to be a challenge for him since he lost a leg to that shark bite” - or call them by the names of characters in movies - “and Gaston is next up! ” or “hey - aren’t you a Transformer? I thought we said no Transformers!” Nonsensical is good -“and the throw was hit by a sudden gust of gravity!” or see if you can’t prompt them into silly situations - “ah, that throw went left, the last person’s went right - maybe you need to throw together!” or “you know what the problem is? You’re too tall for the target. Try crouching down and throw again.” Or just go with bonkers - “ha - you’ll never dunk me! Know why? Because I’m invisible!!”

I know these aren’t taunts (guess I’m bad at taunts!), but hopefully some fuel for making the day engaging and silly and playful.
posted by Silvery Fish at 2:57 PM on May 17, 2023 [31 favorites]

maybe call them names of animals? Could progress from reasonable to nonsequitur. Ya shiny glow-worm, ya fuzzy hamster, ya leaping leopard, ya feathery flamingo, ya furtive armadillo, ya exfoliated elephant, ya jinglepated jaguar...
posted by fingersandtoes at 2:57 PM on May 17, 2023 [9 favorites]

Best answer: You won't make ME have a bath! I never have and I never will!
posted by Emmy Rae at 3:13 PM on May 17, 2023 [27 favorites]

I recently and repeatedly called my adorable toddler nephew a hibberskibbing snoodleburger which seemed to delight him. You're welcome to it.
posted by thivaia at 3:27 PM on May 17, 2023 [4 favorites]

You throw like a T-Rex!
Classic Monty Python: I fart in your general direction! Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries
It is impossible to underestimate you
You have a bright future with the worst baseball team in the league
You aren't failing.... to disappoint me
If you're waiting to dunk me, you'd better pack a lunch. It's going to be a while.
posted by tafetta, darling! at 3:30 PM on May 17, 2023

"Shouldn't you be home playing your Nintendos?"
posted by bondcliff at 3:33 PM on May 17, 2023 [2 favorites]

oh, my kids laugh when we talk about how old we are and make bizarre generational references.

I'm not sure how much you can fit into the dunking, but maybe? like "back in my day, we had real balls for dunking people in! each one was made of lead. you kids today have it easy! why back in my day, if we wanted to throw a ball, we'd have to go hunt our own ball and subdue it before we could use it! you kids today with your jeans and your hula-hoops. why back in my day we'd sew our own overalls." &c
posted by fingersandtoes at 3:40 PM on May 17, 2023 [4 favorites]

Best answer: As much as you can, talk about yourself. Don't talk about these kids. No names, no matter how funny they are to you. Or say something positive and encouraging. Silvery Fish has great suggestions.
posted by bluedaisy at 4:19 PM on May 17, 2023 [19 favorites]

Best answer: Honestly, IMHO, although your intentions are good, I don't think there is a way to taunt children kindly, sweetly, or appropriately. Silly stuff about yourself, à la Silvery Fish (eg, Ha - you’ll never dunk me! Know why? Because I’m invisible!!) and Emmy Rae (You won't make ME have a bath! I never have and I never will!) would be perfect.

Have fun and stay dry! :)
posted by SageTrail at 4:33 PM on May 17, 2023 [10 favorites]

Best answer: "I float on water anyway! You hit this paddle, I'm not even going down! I'm gonna float right here in the air!"
posted by Ausamor at 4:35 PM on May 17, 2023 [2 favorites]

(Dunk tank related advice- try to be the first volunteer to go in. A neighborhood cul de sac does one each year and apparently everyone of volunteers ALWAYS gets sick after)
posted by raccoon409 at 5:00 PM on May 17, 2023 [2 favorites]

If I understand dunk tank protocol, it is about throwing a ball at a target that causes the chair to fall and you go into the dunk tank. I would focus my taunts on their throwing.

"You couldn't throw that ball into the ocean if you were standing on the beach."

Depending on where you live, "You throw more like Zach Wilson that Aaron Rogers"

"You throw like 50 Cent throwing out the first pitch."

"Let's see if you can throw it as well as Lisa Fernandez" (Lisa is a 3x US Softball team Olympic medalist.)

"I hope you throw more like [beloved Principal] than [beloved PE teacher]."

"Which one of the three blind mice are you?"
posted by JohnnyGunn at 5:03 PM on May 17, 2023 [1 favorite]

Best answer: What about some exaggerated whining and moaning about how much you WANT to be dunked.

"Please, please, please, someone put me out of my misery already and hit the target!"
"Oh my stars, I'm melting. I need to swim. Someone hit that target!"


Or maybe someone can make you a pool themed playlist to jam to while you're sitting there and you can do some bad lip synching/singing along.

Also, please invest in some ridiculous floaties.
posted by brookeb at 6:46 PM on May 17, 2023 [7 favorites]

A character voice like Donald Duck singing a very familiar song like "Row Your Boat" ... or some other cartoon character voices and songs that they would recognize and your fit with being dunked.
posted by effluvia at 7:12 PM on May 17, 2023 [1 favorite]

Maybe a long meandering story about what a great dunk tank champion you were as a child, and tangents about that time you dunked Abraham Lincoln on your first try, and once there was a screeching baboon in the dunk tank trying to distract you but it didn’t work…. Just complete nonsense.
posted by jabes at 7:17 PM on May 17, 2023 [3 favorites]

Best answer: Another vote for not jokingly making fun of kids and instead making fun of yourself. Check out Texas state fair’s midway barker on YouTube. He basically acts as an information stand to the fair but makes a ton of jokes about how he doesn’t have legs (he’s an illusionist, not really a bottomless person on a post). That sort of corny wordplay style could work really well and you wouldn’t run the risk of accidentally hurting a kid’s feelings.
posted by donut_princess at 8:03 PM on May 17, 2023 [6 favorites]

“Your mother wears combat boots!”
“You couldn’t hit water if you fell off a boat!”
posted by calgirl at 10:34 PM on May 17, 2023

Best answer: I'm going to echo the advice about not insulting children even in the best-intentioned way. Even the kindest and silliest jibe can hurt a kid's feelings if it happens to echo real-life insults. And even if it doesn't echo insults from the past, other kids might overhear it and use it against them in the future.

Stepping back, I'm guessing your overall goal is to make the activity more fun for the kids, and you have correctly observed that it's more fun to dunk somebody who thinks they're better than you. I think the best approach is to focus on comically raising your own status, rather than lowering theirs. For example:

"You'll never dunk me! Only dodos get dunked! The fates would not permit me, the greatest genius in the history of the world, to suffer such an indignity!"

"You wouldn't dare dunk me! I spent 500 hours getting this hairdo PERFECT and I am simply too beautiful to have my look spoiled!"

"Dunk me? Me, the greatest athlete in the history of sports? Ha! Knock this chair away and I shall simply hover in the air, pirouetting gracefully."

"I don't care how great your arm is. Throw the ball at the target, and my mighty lungs shall blow it off course!" (Works best if you make a show of huffing and puffing at the ball)

You can also frame things so that if they DO hit the target, you've implicitly complemented them:

"Step right up and try your luck against the world's most impossible target! It would take a mighty warrior with the power and precision of Serena Williams to move this lever! What are the odds that the world's greatest athletes would be here, on an ordinary school playground?"
posted by yankeefog at 3:25 AM on May 18, 2023 [11 favorites]

Response by poster: Thank you all for the great ideas!
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 5:08 AM on May 18, 2023 [1 favorite]

Lots of good suggestions not to taunt kids, but I would also say to avoid giving them names of characters. Our school picture guy used to use fairy tale names for all of us, and I still remember how upset and humiliated my brother felt when he was called Georgie Porgy.
posted by FencingGal at 7:06 AM on May 18, 2023 [3 favorites]

I goad my kids quite a lot, and what invariably draws them like a magnet is "nope, you can't make me move/whatever. Nuh uh. Don't wanna." I swear, it's like catnip.

So yes, I'd go the route of "nope. I'm undunkable. Uuuuuundunkable." Or perhaps the fearful flapping of hands: "Oh no no no no no, you just step right away from this tank."
posted by Omnomnom at 1:00 PM on May 18, 2023