How to learn about relationships or dating
April 4, 2023 2:57 AM Subscribe
After a long time (over a decade) being in a steady, committed and happy relationship I find myself single. Since the end of that relationship a couple of years ago I have been with one other person for a while, which sadly didn't work out.
Looking at my situation I think there are some things I haven't learned in my life, and that a lot has changed in the world since I was last in this place, and I'd like to do something about that.
These things are:
- I don't really understand my sexuality. I have desire, but my connection to it confuses me. I often feel more removed from it than people I know seem to; best way to describe this might be to say I am not very "in my body". I'd like to feel more at home with this part of myself.
- I don't know how to approach people about dating or sex. People tell me I'm socially capable and articulate, but I'm quite inhibited when it comes to expressing interest in others. I think this is something I've never learned and would like to. Previously other people have always made the first move, or it has been somehow mutually obvious. Now I'm older and the world I'm in is different I think this is going to be limiting for me.
I'm also a bit resistant to the idea of dating apps, because I don't much want software mediating yet another important part of my life, but recognise this might be too self-limiting.
- Relatedly, I don't know how to tell whether people are likely to be interested or receptive. I can tell when people are engaged in conversation or like spending time with me, but don't really feel like I have any sense of anything beyond that.
These things together I think make me cautious, together with a fear of being inappropriate and making people uncomfortable. I'm a man who is typically interested in women, and I am aware of the bad dynamics that exist there.
I'd like to learn more about these areas, in the hope of improving my odds of finding some companionship. I don't struggle with being single, but I think for me that it's just less good than being partnered.
Can Metafilter point me at any resources which might help? Books, videos, areas of study, etc.
I don't need a recommendation to get therapy in a general sense, but maybe to know the names of specific approaches would be useful.
These things are:
- I don't really understand my sexuality. I have desire, but my connection to it confuses me. I often feel more removed from it than people I know seem to; best way to describe this might be to say I am not very "in my body". I'd like to feel more at home with this part of myself.
- I don't know how to approach people about dating or sex. People tell me I'm socially capable and articulate, but I'm quite inhibited when it comes to expressing interest in others. I think this is something I've never learned and would like to. Previously other people have always made the first move, or it has been somehow mutually obvious. Now I'm older and the world I'm in is different I think this is going to be limiting for me.
I'm also a bit resistant to the idea of dating apps, because I don't much want software mediating yet another important part of my life, but recognise this might be too self-limiting.
- Relatedly, I don't know how to tell whether people are likely to be interested or receptive. I can tell when people are engaged in conversation or like spending time with me, but don't really feel like I have any sense of anything beyond that.
These things together I think make me cautious, together with a fear of being inappropriate and making people uncomfortable. I'm a man who is typically interested in women, and I am aware of the bad dynamics that exist there.
I'd like to learn more about these areas, in the hope of improving my odds of finding some companionship. I don't struggle with being single, but I think for me that it's just less good than being partnered.
Can Metafilter point me at any resources which might help? Books, videos, areas of study, etc.
I don't need a recommendation to get therapy in a general sense, but maybe to know the names of specific approaches would be useful.
I think you might benefit from watching the movie The Tao of Steve. The way to become less inhibited is to practice. It’s ok to get shot down. Just take no for an answer, don’t be weird about it, and move on. The thing women are generally nervous about is having their No - including gentle no’s - taken seriously and not resulting in harm. So you can be someone who gives them a good experience just by being chill with being turned down!
posted by Bottlecap at 6:20 AM on April 4, 2023 [2 favorites]
posted by Bottlecap at 6:20 AM on April 4, 2023 [2 favorites]
Absolutely not being on dating apps is limiting. I used to be reserved and am now quite comfortable with relationships. The best practice IMO for dating is dating casually and respectfully. I recommend my friends read The Ethical Slut amongst other resources to help with a solid framework to explore sexuality and casual dating. Following sex positive and gender exploration Instagram accounts helps with microeducation. Many resources are out there, give a few terms a google!
posted by Meagan at 6:35 AM on April 4, 2023 [1 favorite]
posted by Meagan at 6:35 AM on April 4, 2023 [1 favorite]
The thing you could use therapy for is a) learning to introspect, like really have a set of tools for talking with yourself and giving really good answers, and b) learning to speak straightforwardly (but kindly! generously! mindful of other people's fears and concerns!) when fear of rejection makes you want to guess instead. It is okay to be told no, you will not die of it, but you do want those "no"s to not be attached to fear of your subsequent violence or stalking, and there are communication methods that reduce that risk a lot. But you've got to be able to use your words and maybe even come to enjoy the pleasures of certainty and clarity, which you don't get if all you ever do is guess.
Sure, you can start with workbooks - particularly targeted to men, when you can find them - on emotional intelligence and communication and empathy, and I think some books and workbooks are starting to emerge that really deeply tackle toxic masculinity (and not just as a Grunty Caveman problem, but also taking on the Applied Helplessness aspects).
Lots of people have made great suggestions for getting more into your body, though I will gently suggest that many people who describe the feelings you do may have some childhood or young adult baggage around sex and sexuality, whether that's from religious harm or difficult/problematic/abusive family dynamics or just the general horrors of whatever the culture was in your exact timeline of growing up (or today's culture! the hits just keep coming!). This is processing work you can do yourself, but if you find you are uncovering any pockets of Very Difficult Shit, that's where a therapist can help support you in working through that.
I will offer you another tack of living in your own self and space: how's your tidiness and organizational level at home? If it's tidy already, is it also appealing? If you're going to start dating again, you're going to start having guests. If you're going to be in a relationship again, you need to arrive understanding how to be a 50%-or-better partner who is normalized in cleaning up after oneself and in shared spaces, taking on the administration of getting fed and having clean linens and clothes, and also just making those spaces feel good. But also, if you are coming out of a long relationship and living in your own space for the first time in a long time, you may feel something like a lack of ownership of that space and it is worth really digging in and experiencing it as YOURS, to start learning how to take up the space you deserve.
As fairly general recommendations, any of the kind of starter-grade well-reviewed ACT workbooks are good for beginning a dialogue with yourself. Get Out of your Mind and Into Your Life might actually be exactly what you're asking for here. Nonviolent Communication is something of a classic. The Better Boundaries Workbook is also going to have tools for saying what you mean and expressing what you need as well as being more mindful of other people trying to communicate their own boundaries to you.
posted by Lyn Never at 6:55 AM on April 4, 2023 [8 favorites]
Sure, you can start with workbooks - particularly targeted to men, when you can find them - on emotional intelligence and communication and empathy, and I think some books and workbooks are starting to emerge that really deeply tackle toxic masculinity (and not just as a Grunty Caveman problem, but also taking on the Applied Helplessness aspects).
Lots of people have made great suggestions for getting more into your body, though I will gently suggest that many people who describe the feelings you do may have some childhood or young adult baggage around sex and sexuality, whether that's from religious harm or difficult/problematic/abusive family dynamics or just the general horrors of whatever the culture was in your exact timeline of growing up (or today's culture! the hits just keep coming!). This is processing work you can do yourself, but if you find you are uncovering any pockets of Very Difficult Shit, that's where a therapist can help support you in working through that.
I will offer you another tack of living in your own self and space: how's your tidiness and organizational level at home? If it's tidy already, is it also appealing? If you're going to start dating again, you're going to start having guests. If you're going to be in a relationship again, you need to arrive understanding how to be a 50%-or-better partner who is normalized in cleaning up after oneself and in shared spaces, taking on the administration of getting fed and having clean linens and clothes, and also just making those spaces feel good. But also, if you are coming out of a long relationship and living in your own space for the first time in a long time, you may feel something like a lack of ownership of that space and it is worth really digging in and experiencing it as YOURS, to start learning how to take up the space you deserve.
As fairly general recommendations, any of the kind of starter-grade well-reviewed ACT workbooks are good for beginning a dialogue with yourself. Get Out of your Mind and Into Your Life might actually be exactly what you're asking for here. Nonviolent Communication is something of a classic. The Better Boundaries Workbook is also going to have tools for saying what you mean and expressing what you need as well as being more mindful of other people trying to communicate their own boundaries to you.
posted by Lyn Never at 6:55 AM on April 4, 2023 [8 favorites]
Here is one technique I've seen work for someone.
Journaling. Any time something comes up, make a note to journal about it, and then find the time to have a conversation with yourself about it on paper. Review what you've written as needed.
posted by aniola at 9:16 AM on April 4, 2023 [2 favorites]
Journaling. Any time something comes up, make a note to journal about it, and then find the time to have a conversation with yourself about it on paper. Review what you've written as needed.
posted by aniola at 9:16 AM on April 4, 2023 [2 favorites]
Meditation can help with being in your body. There are apps, YouTubes, books. I've used Bellaruth Knapperstack for other meditation adventures. Taking a meditation class can make you some new friends and help you be in your body.
I think dating is a numbers game. That + not being able to tell when someone is romantically interested in you makes dating apps helpful. You know at least that the person is looking for something that might align with what you are looking for, as opposed to trying to suss out whether the person is even looking. That said, they are exhausting at times, though I can't complain because I found my bestie and my husband using them.
Thank you for approaching this thoughtfully. It is a kindness to those you interact with.
posted by *s at 11:11 AM on April 4, 2023 [2 favorites]
I think dating is a numbers game. That + not being able to tell when someone is romantically interested in you makes dating apps helpful. You know at least that the person is looking for something that might align with what you are looking for, as opposed to trying to suss out whether the person is even looking. That said, they are exhausting at times, though I can't complain because I found my bestie and my husband using them.
Thank you for approaching this thoughtfully. It is a kindness to those you interact with.
posted by *s at 11:11 AM on April 4, 2023 [2 favorites]
Because you mention not feeling connected to your body and your desires, I just wanted to mention both the word dysmorphia and the possibility of being trans. Just because these often go together and a lot of us can have trouble identifying desire while we were still looking for ourselves, as it were. An article from a recent fpp had some thoughts, if this sounds interesting to you. Also another article on disassociation.
posted by blueberry monster at 11:31 AM on April 4, 2023
posted by blueberry monster at 11:31 AM on April 4, 2023
Relatedly, I don't know how to tell whether people are likely to be interested or receptive.
In many ways this has been solved by the apps. Presumably everyone on the apps is there for some sort of relationship. When you are chatting with someone at a happy hour or a volunteering event and they seem interested...but are they "interested".
posted by mmascolino at 12:55 PM on April 4, 2023
In many ways this has been solved by the apps. Presumably everyone on the apps is there for some sort of relationship. When you are chatting with someone at a happy hour or a volunteering event and they seem interested...but are they "interested".
posted by mmascolino at 12:55 PM on April 4, 2023
I'm quite inhibited when it comes to expressing interest in others. I think this is something I've never learned and would like to. Previously other people have always made the first move, or it has been somehow mutually obvious. Now I'm older and the world I'm in is different I think this is going to be limiting for me.
I can make guesses about why you are inhibited -- a lot of this can be related to a fear of rejection -- but I don't really know, and you might not know either. I do know that journaling about this can be incredibly helpful. It can be worth it to really think through and imagine these scenarios, including your very worst fears. So as one part of this, I'd suggest a regular journaling routine. Think about what it would be like to be around someone you like and not necessarily wait for them to make a move. Think about the worse case scenario. What is that like? Follow it down, all the way to the end.
For example, "I ask so-and-so to a dinner date, and they say no, and they mock me and say I'm a terrible person, and they tell everyone I asked them out and everyone makes fun of me, and then I have no friends and no one ever wants to be around me, and I die alone." I know this sounds ridiculous as written, except sometimes a lot of our fears are really rooted from being scared of something really different. We aren't scared of someone kindly saying no, but of taking a bigger risk. And it can be really helpful to figure out why it makes us feel so vulnerable.
posted by bluedaisy at 3:40 PM on April 4, 2023 [1 favorite]
I can make guesses about why you are inhibited -- a lot of this can be related to a fear of rejection -- but I don't really know, and you might not know either. I do know that journaling about this can be incredibly helpful. It can be worth it to really think through and imagine these scenarios, including your very worst fears. So as one part of this, I'd suggest a regular journaling routine. Think about what it would be like to be around someone you like and not necessarily wait for them to make a move. Think about the worse case scenario. What is that like? Follow it down, all the way to the end.
For example, "I ask so-and-so to a dinner date, and they say no, and they mock me and say I'm a terrible person, and they tell everyone I asked them out and everyone makes fun of me, and then I have no friends and no one ever wants to be around me, and I die alone." I know this sounds ridiculous as written, except sometimes a lot of our fears are really rooted from being scared of something really different. We aren't scared of someone kindly saying no, but of taking a bigger risk. And it can be really helpful to figure out why it makes us feel so vulnerable.
posted by bluedaisy at 3:40 PM on April 4, 2023 [1 favorite]
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- Join a recreational sport
- Take a yoga class
- Take a dance class
- Go dancing at a club
- Get a massage
- Go for a hike
- Go for a swim
- Take a bath
- Give yourself physical pleasure without p0rn
Maybe aim for like 3 hours of “physical time” a week, broken up however you want.
Don’t use screens during these activities- just try to notice how your body feels, don’t overthink the experience, just take it in with your senses and muscles and enjoy it.
In terms of online dating, software isn’t really mediating it, it’s more like a “digital venue” where people who are seeking dates can all go be in one place. But you - not software - still have to do all the work of communicating and connecting with the other person. So I wouldn’t write it off! It’s still you making the choices and building the relationships.
posted by nouvelle-personne at 5:18 AM on April 4, 2023 [1 favorite]