Advice on practicing self compassion?
March 28, 2023 4:07 AM Subscribe
I was wondering if anyone had any meaningful advice on how to practice self compassion including recommendations for resources and/or practices that have worked for you?
I have posted many times about the issues I am facing. In particular, coming to terms with my social anxiety which has been debilitating and how it has affected and daily continues to affect, my personal potential and life outcomes.
I'm realising beyond a certain point, the only way through this is self compassion. I feel I am at the stage where I will not be able to take one step further unless I start to love myself more, despite all my shame, flaws and messed up history.
I have posted many times about the issues I am facing. In particular, coming to terms with my social anxiety which has been debilitating and how it has affected and daily continues to affect, my personal potential and life outcomes.
I'm realising beyond a certain point, the only way through this is self compassion. I feel I am at the stage where I will not be able to take one step further unless I start to love myself more, despite all my shame, flaws and messed up history.
I found Loving Kindness Meditation to be a huge help in rewiring my brain out of the shame spirals I was caught in. There are a lot of variations on the exercise if you google around, but it only took a few weeks of daily practice to overcome years of bad mental hygeine.
As someone who reads Ask Metafilter a lot, I recognize you and the long journey you've been on. You've always had my compassion, and you deserve it from yourself. Retraining your thinking habits away from negativity can be a literal life saver. You can do this! You have so much good stuff ahead of you to enjoy when you forgive the past for all the suffering it's brought and stand ready for what's new.
posted by rikschell at 5:25 AM on March 28, 2023 [13 favorites]
As someone who reads Ask Metafilter a lot, I recognize you and the long journey you've been on. You've always had my compassion, and you deserve it from yourself. Retraining your thinking habits away from negativity can be a literal life saver. You can do this! You have so much good stuff ahead of you to enjoy when you forgive the past for all the suffering it's brought and stand ready for what's new.
posted by rikschell at 5:25 AM on March 28, 2023 [13 favorites]
Self compassion isn't really the same thing as self love, because compassion isn't really the same thing as love.
All compassion is, is a genuine desire to see others suffer less, a desire that drives behaviour that's mainly focused on not making suffering worse. So what self compassion boils down to is a genuine desire to extend that exact same kindness inwards, and the practical half of that is developing behaviours that don't worsen our own suffering.
There is plenty of suffering to be going on with, and there's no way to get rid of all of it (not even close!) but there are lots of ways to avoid making it worse than it already is, and building a decent repertoire of those methods is a good use of time.
In several past questions you've described yourself as introverted and shy. I used to describe myself to myself in much the same way. These days, although I generally still prefer my own company to that of most other people, I no longer describe myself as shy. What I describe myself as instead is discerning. I want to spend as little time as possible around people who are not kind to one another, because being around casual unreflective cruelty is just draining.
In my experience, the fear of feeling negatively judged upon which social anxiety rests is made a lot worse if I spend time around people who go on and on and on about other people's perceived flaws and faults. But what I've noticed in the process of getting older is that pretty much any personal characteristic can be derided as a flaw or a fault and that it's internalized derision, not the characteristic being derided, that actually causes the suffering. So for some decades now, whenever I find myself amongst a group of people who are joyfully competing with each other to offer up the meanest possible take on somebody else who isn't even there, I do a quiet fade and just leave. Scraping that sticky shit off me is work and if I can avoid needing to do that then I will.
That, right there, is an example of self-compassion in action. I don't want to suffer more than necessary, I know from past experience that if I stick around in this environment I'm going to suffer more than necessary, so I take myself away from it. I don't beat myself up for having social anxiety after exposure to that kind of crowd; I give myself credit for understanding my own needs well enough to cater to them.
You say you need to start to love yourself more, despite all your shame, flaws and messed up history. But the thing about love is that you can't just go out and get some and plonk it down on the counter and bam, there is is. Love is a thing that grows, all by itself, if we just make a space for it to do that in. And one of the big big things that gets in the way of that growth is exactly shame, and that makes shame an experience well worth picking apart and trying to understand.
Shame is interesting because it's such a tight intertwining of a raw emotion (a thing over which none of us has any control, not really) and a set of beliefs about how we should be different from how we are - beliefs that we can influence to a really useful extent.
Next time you find yourself feeling shame, pause for a few seconds and ask yourself what purpose it serves. Is it that you've just done something that genuinely hurts somebody in some way? If so, then a certain amount of shame is probably appropriate and useful. Not too much, though; no need to make a Broadway production of these things unless you actually have just invaded Ukraine or scammed your devotees out of an extra three million by telling lies about your impending arrest.
Is it that you've failed to measure up to some expectation that somebody else has decided to put on you to make them feel better? If so, fuck that noise. Is this shame about something that has been done to you and which you found yourself powerless to prevent, regardless of how much you'd have liked to have been able to? Fuck that noise with an extra serve of fuck.
Is it that you've just fallen into the dreaded Shame Spiral where having circled the gurgler a few times you're now ashamed pretty much purely for feeling ashamed? Fuck that noise too: emotions just are what they are. Feeling them until we don't is all any of us can ever do with those and experiencing overwhelm is not proof of personal inadequacy.
The practical trick for refusing to put up with the Fuck That Noise kind of shame is this: once we've got a good solid handle on just what it is that's brought on any given episode of shame, and have had a good look at it, and decided that whatever it is is not our responsibility and/or hasn't actually caused suffering for somebody else, we just to tell ourselves firmly: "I don't need to be ashamed of that." And we do that until we start to believe it, which we will, because humans are quite suggestible creatures. Fuck That Noise shame is shame we've been talked into, one way or another, and we can talk ourselves out of it.
Note that this is not a quick fix. It won't make an existing feeling of shame go away straight away. But if we keep at it, it does take the intensity down over time, and leads us toward better self knowledge and greater self acceptance, both of which go firmly hand in hand with self compassion.
I'd bet money that many many many of the things about you that you currently perceive as "flaws" are just things, characteristics that you share with billions of other people all across the planet, and that thinking of them as flaws comes straight from the specific variety of unexamined habitual shame that fully deserves a Fuck That Noise.
If our standard for flawlessness is the toxic notion of perfection derived from the endless moving of goalposts, we're going to experience a lot of spurious shame. And if we spent our childhoods having those goalposts relentlessly moved for us by people we've been taught we're supposed to look up to, that shit is going to take a very long time to scrape off. But it can be done. I've watched lots of people do it.
Practising self compassion comes easier if we make a conscious practice of taking opportunities to think and behave compassionately in general and it's certainly my experience that picking apart my own shame responses and making sure I know whether each one belongs in the Fair Enough or Fuck It bucket has been a really big help with that.
Best of luck with your own ongoing exploration. Being a free, autonomous, responsible adult in a world where the most consequential decisions are made by the least sane inhabitants is hard. Worth it though.
posted by flabdablet at 5:58 AM on March 28, 2023 [8 favorites]
All compassion is, is a genuine desire to see others suffer less, a desire that drives behaviour that's mainly focused on not making suffering worse. So what self compassion boils down to is a genuine desire to extend that exact same kindness inwards, and the practical half of that is developing behaviours that don't worsen our own suffering.
There is plenty of suffering to be going on with, and there's no way to get rid of all of it (not even close!) but there are lots of ways to avoid making it worse than it already is, and building a decent repertoire of those methods is a good use of time.
In several past questions you've described yourself as introverted and shy. I used to describe myself to myself in much the same way. These days, although I generally still prefer my own company to that of most other people, I no longer describe myself as shy. What I describe myself as instead is discerning. I want to spend as little time as possible around people who are not kind to one another, because being around casual unreflective cruelty is just draining.
In my experience, the fear of feeling negatively judged upon which social anxiety rests is made a lot worse if I spend time around people who go on and on and on about other people's perceived flaws and faults. But what I've noticed in the process of getting older is that pretty much any personal characteristic can be derided as a flaw or a fault and that it's internalized derision, not the characteristic being derided, that actually causes the suffering. So for some decades now, whenever I find myself amongst a group of people who are joyfully competing with each other to offer up the meanest possible take on somebody else who isn't even there, I do a quiet fade and just leave. Scraping that sticky shit off me is work and if I can avoid needing to do that then I will.
That, right there, is an example of self-compassion in action. I don't want to suffer more than necessary, I know from past experience that if I stick around in this environment I'm going to suffer more than necessary, so I take myself away from it. I don't beat myself up for having social anxiety after exposure to that kind of crowd; I give myself credit for understanding my own needs well enough to cater to them.
You say you need to start to love yourself more, despite all your shame, flaws and messed up history. But the thing about love is that you can't just go out and get some and plonk it down on the counter and bam, there is is. Love is a thing that grows, all by itself, if we just make a space for it to do that in. And one of the big big things that gets in the way of that growth is exactly shame, and that makes shame an experience well worth picking apart and trying to understand.
Shame is interesting because it's such a tight intertwining of a raw emotion (a thing over which none of us has any control, not really) and a set of beliefs about how we should be different from how we are - beliefs that we can influence to a really useful extent.
Next time you find yourself feeling shame, pause for a few seconds and ask yourself what purpose it serves. Is it that you've just done something that genuinely hurts somebody in some way? If so, then a certain amount of shame is probably appropriate and useful. Not too much, though; no need to make a Broadway production of these things unless you actually have just invaded Ukraine or scammed your devotees out of an extra three million by telling lies about your impending arrest.
Is it that you've failed to measure up to some expectation that somebody else has decided to put on you to make them feel better? If so, fuck that noise. Is this shame about something that has been done to you and which you found yourself powerless to prevent, regardless of how much you'd have liked to have been able to? Fuck that noise with an extra serve of fuck.
Is it that you've just fallen into the dreaded Shame Spiral where having circled the gurgler a few times you're now ashamed pretty much purely for feeling ashamed? Fuck that noise too: emotions just are what they are. Feeling them until we don't is all any of us can ever do with those and experiencing overwhelm is not proof of personal inadequacy.
The practical trick for refusing to put up with the Fuck That Noise kind of shame is this: once we've got a good solid handle on just what it is that's brought on any given episode of shame, and have had a good look at it, and decided that whatever it is is not our responsibility and/or hasn't actually caused suffering for somebody else, we just to tell ourselves firmly: "I don't need to be ashamed of that." And we do that until we start to believe it, which we will, because humans are quite suggestible creatures. Fuck That Noise shame is shame we've been talked into, one way or another, and we can talk ourselves out of it.
Note that this is not a quick fix. It won't make an existing feeling of shame go away straight away. But if we keep at it, it does take the intensity down over time, and leads us toward better self knowledge and greater self acceptance, both of which go firmly hand in hand with self compassion.
I'd bet money that many many many of the things about you that you currently perceive as "flaws" are just things, characteristics that you share with billions of other people all across the planet, and that thinking of them as flaws comes straight from the specific variety of unexamined habitual shame that fully deserves a Fuck That Noise.
If our standard for flawlessness is the toxic notion of perfection derived from the endless moving of goalposts, we're going to experience a lot of spurious shame. And if we spent our childhoods having those goalposts relentlessly moved for us by people we've been taught we're supposed to look up to, that shit is going to take a very long time to scrape off. But it can be done. I've watched lots of people do it.
Practising self compassion comes easier if we make a conscious practice of taking opportunities to think and behave compassionately in general and it's certainly my experience that picking apart my own shame responses and making sure I know whether each one belongs in the Fair Enough or Fuck It bucket has been a really big help with that.
Best of luck with your own ongoing exploration. Being a free, autonomous, responsible adult in a world where the most consequential decisions are made by the least sane inhabitants is hard. Worth it though.
posted by flabdablet at 5:58 AM on March 28, 2023 [8 favorites]
Loving kindness meditation is a good suggestion - looking at rikschell's link, a tweak on the scripts proposed there that I find helpful is to start with the other person and then shift focus to myself.
Two reminders also help me limit the effect and duration of bad internal scripts: one is to ask myself "What would I say to a friend in this situation?" and the other is just to say "I am human. It's OK to be a flawed human being."
posted by EvaDestruction at 7:20 AM on March 28, 2023
Two reminders also help me limit the effect and duration of bad internal scripts: one is to ask myself "What would I say to a friend in this situation?" and the other is just to say "I am human. It's OK to be a flawed human being."
posted by EvaDestruction at 7:20 AM on March 28, 2023
I've found Dr. Kristin Neff's self-compassion resources and guided meditations to be very helpful. Her 5-minute General Self-Compassion Break (mp3 download) is a short one that gives a sense of her approach. I believe she has books, research, and workshops, too, if that's more your speed.
posted by ourobouros at 7:39 AM on March 28, 2023 [6 favorites]
posted by ourobouros at 7:39 AM on March 28, 2023 [6 favorites]
I have a suggestion out of left field. But I'm not really someone who sits around loving myself like...that is an impossible task.
What I can do is act kindly towards myself. So get enough sleep, have healthy food plus treats, treat myself to walks and classes and reading time and visits to art galleries and all the things that fill my well. Regardless of how I feel or don't feel. And generally, that actually does change my mood.
posted by warriorqueen at 8:35 AM on March 28, 2023 [8 favorites]
What I can do is act kindly towards myself. So get enough sleep, have healthy food plus treats, treat myself to walks and classes and reading time and visits to art galleries and all the things that fill my well. Regardless of how I feel or don't feel. And generally, that actually does change my mood.
posted by warriorqueen at 8:35 AM on March 28, 2023 [8 favorites]
I'm currently listening to The Kindness Method, which is actually about changing habits and has WAY too much weight talk in it for my liking, and I am way further along in my journey than this book is starting from, but you might respond well to it as it has a lot of work around reframing your self-talk as a part of getting things done.
My recommendation to female-identified friends who are really struggling with the very absolute basics of not being awful to themselves is The Self-Compassion Workbook for Teens, almost as a sort of inner-child program, because so many of us really first got fully destroyed as teens or tweens (and any material "for teens" is somewhat aspirationally targeted at tweens). From there I like When Your Mind Screams: Finding Peace and Confidence in the Midst of Anxiety, and then Tara Brach's Radical Compassion (and also Radical Acceptance), as well as the Neff books that others have recommended.
You just need to remember that you can't fix this just by throwing books at it, those can only give you food for thought and tools to put in your toolbox. Building and maintaining a healthy relationship with yourself is the same sort of ongoing program as building and maintaining one with a romantic partner or colleagues or a family member. You have to choose to do it every day, and in every situation.
posted by Lyn Never at 9:12 AM on March 28, 2023 [3 favorites]
My recommendation to female-identified friends who are really struggling with the very absolute basics of not being awful to themselves is The Self-Compassion Workbook for Teens, almost as a sort of inner-child program, because so many of us really first got fully destroyed as teens or tweens (and any material "for teens" is somewhat aspirationally targeted at tweens). From there I like When Your Mind Screams: Finding Peace and Confidence in the Midst of Anxiety, and then Tara Brach's Radical Compassion (and also Radical Acceptance), as well as the Neff books that others have recommended.
You just need to remember that you can't fix this just by throwing books at it, those can only give you food for thought and tools to put in your toolbox. Building and maintaining a healthy relationship with yourself is the same sort of ongoing program as building and maintaining one with a romantic partner or colleagues or a family member. You have to choose to do it every day, and in every situation.
posted by Lyn Never at 9:12 AM on March 28, 2023 [3 favorites]
I've gotten a lot out of Buddhist metta or lovingkindness meditation, which includes a strong component of lovingkindness for oneself along with practicing extending that outward to others. Sharon Salzberg has good books and videos. Tara Brach, mentioned above, is also great on this. I find that setting aside a short time every morning for this meditation, in a special spot, works for me. There's a balance between keeping up a regular, ideally daily, practice, and having compassion for myself when I miss a day. It's also something I can do if I have five minutes on public transit or alone at work. If this kind of approach works for you, you might look into a metta workshop or retreat at a meditation center in the vipassana tradition, like Insight Meditation Society in Massachusetts.
posted by unreadyhero at 9:26 AM on March 28, 2023 [2 favorites]
posted by unreadyhero at 9:26 AM on March 28, 2023 [2 favorites]
Lovingkindness/metta is where it's at, but another practice I do sometimes is the inner child meditation. It's best if you find a photo of yourself as a young child (age like, 3-6ish), and look at that child and remember who you used to be, think about how you might want to protect and nurture that child, and then take that child into yourself and remember that you are still in some way that child who needs love and compassion.
posted by ch1x0r at 4:07 PM on March 28, 2023
posted by ch1x0r at 4:07 PM on March 28, 2023
This thread is closed to new comments.
I strongly recommend starting with this 4-part lecture by Paul Gilbert, the founder of Compassion Focused Therapy. It's geared toward clinical practice, but he walks the audience (and you) through the series of basic practices, resistances, inner language, and ways to frame the inner experiences:
Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4.
Then I suggest hopping over to Modestly Mindful -- Jonathan and his co-teacher Sondra teach online and in person self-compassion lessons using the Mindful Self-Compassion model. The courses are gentle and supportive and financially in reach for most people. If you feel like it will be a financial struggle for you, send them an email.
By looking for these resources, you are already meeting your suffering with kindness. That's beautiful.
posted by Silvery Fish at 4:52 AM on March 28, 2023 [7 favorites]