Feeling a little devastated
March 22, 2023 4:29 AM Subscribe
One of my best friends just got engaged. I have complex feelings about it.
I have a longtime friend who just got engaged. He and I get along fantastic and talk almost every other day. In the decade or so of knowing each other, he expressed at one point in time in being interested - it was not the right timing for me. But in the last few years, my feelings for him have grown but I never said anything out of fear. Then he entered a serious relationship.
Just last night, he told me out of nowhere that he got engaged to her. I managed to hold it together and pretend to be excited for him. Then I got home and promptly sobbed. I haven't been able to sleep at all either.
It's weird timing - a lot of friendships are changing for me, and I'm getting over still a really hard breakup. I feel super lonely and just "behind", and also mad at myself for missing out on potentially a great partner by not saying anything ever.
I'm seeing a therapist and maybe will move that appointment earlier. I'm not even sure the question here. I'm assuming I can't say anything? How do I explain my sudden distance? What are good coping strategies for getting over this/this particularly lonely period right now? Is there something wrong with me, as I wasn't even expecting to be this upset?
I have a longtime friend who just got engaged. He and I get along fantastic and talk almost every other day. In the decade or so of knowing each other, he expressed at one point in time in being interested - it was not the right timing for me. But in the last few years, my feelings for him have grown but I never said anything out of fear. Then he entered a serious relationship.
Just last night, he told me out of nowhere that he got engaged to her. I managed to hold it together and pretend to be excited for him. Then I got home and promptly sobbed. I haven't been able to sleep at all either.
It's weird timing - a lot of friendships are changing for me, and I'm getting over still a really hard breakup. I feel super lonely and just "behind", and also mad at myself for missing out on potentially a great partner by not saying anything ever.
I'm seeing a therapist and maybe will move that appointment earlier. I'm not even sure the question here. I'm assuming I can't say anything? How do I explain my sudden distance? What are good coping strategies for getting over this/this particularly lonely period right now? Is there something wrong with me, as I wasn't even expecting to be this upset?
I'm assuming I can't say anything?
Yeah, I definitely wouldn't say anything about having feelings for him at this point, if you care about him enough as a friend to want his relationship to succeed, and if you want your friendship to continue (even if it's difficult at the moment). At the most, you could admit that you feel "behind." Without knowing you, it sounds like it's more about the latter, anyway. How upset did you feel when he started dating someone? Is it more that the possibility that existed is gone now?
When you say you talk every other day, do you mean texting or on the phone/in person? Can you invent some plausible excuse to be less available, even a white lie like a family emergency? Are there other people you can spend more time with now?
posted by pinochiette at 5:57 AM on March 22, 2023 [5 favorites]
Yeah, I definitely wouldn't say anything about having feelings for him at this point, if you care about him enough as a friend to want his relationship to succeed, and if you want your friendship to continue (even if it's difficult at the moment). At the most, you could admit that you feel "behind." Without knowing you, it sounds like it's more about the latter, anyway. How upset did you feel when he started dating someone? Is it more that the possibility that existed is gone now?
When you say you talk every other day, do you mean texting or on the phone/in person? Can you invent some plausible excuse to be less available, even a white lie like a family emergency? Are there other people you can spend more time with now?
posted by pinochiette at 5:57 AM on March 22, 2023 [5 favorites]
Yeah, this isn't really about him, and addressing him in any way about it is likely to leave you with significant regrets because there's nothing he can do to fix this for you, and it's not his responsibility.
And it's also not that you are horribly broken, either. This is pretty normal, to have a big messy reaction to something that strikes a very tender nerve. You've identified it yourself: you are lonely, you are not where you imagined you'd be at the moment in your life. His situation puts a spotlight on the dissatisfactions you have with your life.
I don't know anything else you can do - at least in a healthy direction - but let this be fuel. You got a cosmic kick in the booty here, go ahead and use the momentum. Also be honest with yourself - right now you're probably imagining a binary situation in which the two outcomes were the current timeline OR you had said something and now you're engaged, but that's not automatically true and don't make that a stick to hit yourself with.
You're unhappy with the shape of your life right now, it sounds like you're in a super-liminal space right now in a lot of your relationships. This is the time to shake something up, I think. I call this condition "letting my world get too small" and the only cure is to stretch it out. Go do something a little bit out of your comfort zone or even something that you'd tend to be like "eh, it's too much trouble, I don't want to do that alone, etc etc" - take a weekend trip to the nearest state/national park or other grand nature and recalibrate how big you are in comparison to the universe. If you don't have a passport or it's expired, go take care of that. Go to that museum or restaurant or garden/craft/hobby store you always say you want to go to but keep not going. Just something; stretch your wings a little, non-dependent on anyone else. Your brain will start ticking a little faster, you will start having ideas about how you want to go about your life now instead of waiting for whatever's next.
The one relationship you have control over in your life is the one you have with yourself. Take this time to get to know YOU a little better, go for some walks and have long talks about what you'd like your life to look like as far as you can control. Who do you want to be? Everyone around you is in an identity transition right now, and you don't have to wait for the Life Fairy to deliver your changes to you; go make some yourself.
But first: let yourself wallow a minute. This sucks and it stings and there's nobody to blame or take it out on, but you can take a couple days to have the wind knocked out of you and eat snacks and baby yourself a little bit like you've got the flu. But set a limit: you can wallow the rest of the workweek and sleep in on Saturday, but then you're going to get up and do some weekend chores and get online and find something Out to go do on Saturday afternoon or Sunday. If you need to tell your friend you've literally got the flu or an ear infection or something to cover for your low energy, do that to buy yourself some time. Don't burn that bridge; you may still find that this person/relationship is really significant in your life, just in ways you hadn't expected.
posted by Lyn Never at 5:59 AM on March 22, 2023 [67 favorites]
And it's also not that you are horribly broken, either. This is pretty normal, to have a big messy reaction to something that strikes a very tender nerve. You've identified it yourself: you are lonely, you are not where you imagined you'd be at the moment in your life. His situation puts a spotlight on the dissatisfactions you have with your life.
I don't know anything else you can do - at least in a healthy direction - but let this be fuel. You got a cosmic kick in the booty here, go ahead and use the momentum. Also be honest with yourself - right now you're probably imagining a binary situation in which the two outcomes were the current timeline OR you had said something and now you're engaged, but that's not automatically true and don't make that a stick to hit yourself with.
You're unhappy with the shape of your life right now, it sounds like you're in a super-liminal space right now in a lot of your relationships. This is the time to shake something up, I think. I call this condition "letting my world get too small" and the only cure is to stretch it out. Go do something a little bit out of your comfort zone or even something that you'd tend to be like "eh, it's too much trouble, I don't want to do that alone, etc etc" - take a weekend trip to the nearest state/national park or other grand nature and recalibrate how big you are in comparison to the universe. If you don't have a passport or it's expired, go take care of that. Go to that museum or restaurant or garden/craft/hobby store you always say you want to go to but keep not going. Just something; stretch your wings a little, non-dependent on anyone else. Your brain will start ticking a little faster, you will start having ideas about how you want to go about your life now instead of waiting for whatever's next.
The one relationship you have control over in your life is the one you have with yourself. Take this time to get to know YOU a little better, go for some walks and have long talks about what you'd like your life to look like as far as you can control. Who do you want to be? Everyone around you is in an identity transition right now, and you don't have to wait for the Life Fairy to deliver your changes to you; go make some yourself.
But first: let yourself wallow a minute. This sucks and it stings and there's nobody to blame or take it out on, but you can take a couple days to have the wind knocked out of you and eat snacks and baby yourself a little bit like you've got the flu. But set a limit: you can wallow the rest of the workweek and sleep in on Saturday, but then you're going to get up and do some weekend chores and get online and find something Out to go do on Saturday afternoon or Sunday. If you need to tell your friend you've literally got the flu or an ear infection or something to cover for your low energy, do that to buy yourself some time. Don't burn that bridge; you may still find that this person/relationship is really significant in your life, just in ways you hadn't expected.
posted by Lyn Never at 5:59 AM on March 22, 2023 [67 favorites]
a lot of friendships are changing for me, and I'm getting over still a really hard breakup. I feel super lonely and just "behind"
This is the actual issue and the friend isn't the cause of it. Lyn Never's advice will serve you well here.
posted by DirtyOldTown at 6:23 AM on March 22, 2023 [4 favorites]
This is the actual issue and the friend isn't the cause of it. Lyn Never's advice will serve you well here.
posted by DirtyOldTown at 6:23 AM on March 22, 2023 [4 favorites]
This is painful, and I'm so sorry, but yeah - you can't say anything to him.
By all means, be a little extra-nice and extra-forgiving to yourself right now, bump up that therapy appointment, talk to your therapist about the bigger pattern of feeling out of step and out of harmony with where you want your life to be right now. If you have a trusted friend you can lean on, who's not part of this other person's friend group, let yourself lean on that person a little bit for distraction and support.
If you need a little break from your friend, take one - feel free to just dial back on the contact frequency a bit without having a big talk about it, or if you need to do a more full break, you can tell him that you've got some personal stuff going on and will be taking some time away from texting/social media, or whatever.
There's nothing wrong with you at all. This is a very normal, very human, very relatable experience you're having. I'm really sorry. Time will help, and figuring out some of the other pieces of your life that are making you unhappy right now will also help you feel less like this was the One Big Chance You Missed.
posted by Stacey at 7:20 AM on March 22, 2023 [2 favorites]
By all means, be a little extra-nice and extra-forgiving to yourself right now, bump up that therapy appointment, talk to your therapist about the bigger pattern of feeling out of step and out of harmony with where you want your life to be right now. If you have a trusted friend you can lean on, who's not part of this other person's friend group, let yourself lean on that person a little bit for distraction and support.
If you need a little break from your friend, take one - feel free to just dial back on the contact frequency a bit without having a big talk about it, or if you need to do a more full break, you can tell him that you've got some personal stuff going on and will be taking some time away from texting/social media, or whatever.
There's nothing wrong with you at all. This is a very normal, very human, very relatable experience you're having. I'm really sorry. Time will help, and figuring out some of the other pieces of your life that are making you unhappy right now will also help you feel less like this was the One Big Chance You Missed.
posted by Stacey at 7:20 AM on March 22, 2023 [2 favorites]
“Just last night, he told me out of nowhere that he got engaged to her.” This adds another element into the mix. A long term best friend had this momentous moment, most likely a planned event, and you weren’t privy to the event. This stings. Romantic feelings aside, just on a friend level this is hurtful. A similar thing happened to me - a good good friend who I talked with daily bought a house with his girlfriend and I didn’t know about it until he posted about it on Facebook. I was sort of devastated and had to take a step back to reevaluate what this friendship even was. It wasn’t that he bought the house or moved in with his girlfriend, it was that during our daily chats NONE of that ever came up. It took me a few weeks of licking my wounds and not talking to him much in order for me to get a realistic view of what our friendship really was.
posted by Sassyfras at 7:37 AM on March 22, 2023 [5 favorites]
posted by Sassyfras at 7:37 AM on March 22, 2023 [5 favorites]
You’re getting lots of excellent advice above: be kind to yourself, put some casual distance between yourself and this friend for a while without making a big thing of it, talk to your therapist about it.
I went through something similar a decade or so ago and it was really hard. A close friend and I had been dancing around the idea of getting involved with each other for a while. I had always assumed we would eventually get together, meanwhile he abruptly started dating and got serious with someone else. I felt rejected, lonely, and confused. It felt worse as he and the other person moved to another city for her job, then quickly got engaged, while I stayed perpetually single for a while.
With the benefit of hindsight, I now realize that he of course wasn’t the right person for me. The right person for me is someone who I want to be with emphatically, and who wants to be with me emphatically, at the same time. After I met my now-husband, I realized just how *not the one* my friend was. Today we’re all married middle age couples with kids and boring jobs, and we’re all friends, and I’m so glad things worked out the way we did and that my friend and I never got together.
It takes time, and orienting yourself towards other things in your life that fulfill you, and trudging through a lot of sadness and grief to get past a disappointment like this. I know there are brighter days and richer relationships ahead for you.
posted by rodneyaug at 8:27 AM on March 22, 2023 [10 favorites]
I went through something similar a decade or so ago and it was really hard. A close friend and I had been dancing around the idea of getting involved with each other for a while. I had always assumed we would eventually get together, meanwhile he abruptly started dating and got serious with someone else. I felt rejected, lonely, and confused. It felt worse as he and the other person moved to another city for her job, then quickly got engaged, while I stayed perpetually single for a while.
With the benefit of hindsight, I now realize that he of course wasn’t the right person for me. The right person for me is someone who I want to be with emphatically, and who wants to be with me emphatically, at the same time. After I met my now-husband, I realized just how *not the one* my friend was. Today we’re all married middle age couples with kids and boring jobs, and we’re all friends, and I’m so glad things worked out the way we did and that my friend and I never got together.
It takes time, and orienting yourself towards other things in your life that fulfill you, and trudging through a lot of sadness and grief to get past a disappointment like this. I know there are brighter days and richer relationships ahead for you.
posted by rodneyaug at 8:27 AM on March 22, 2023 [10 favorites]
I have to say, this is really stellar advice from Lyn Never, every bit of it. And in particular, that this is not a binary situation with only 2 paths leading up to it or away from it. Have trust that there is someone even better for you out there, even if you can't see who or how right now. This was not your only shot. Hollywood loves to play on that fear, as it makes for great drama, but can you imagine where humanity would be right now if that were the case? You will have many, many more opportunities, even if the loss of this one really hurts. Good luck to you. You will be OK!
posted by widdershins at 8:45 AM on March 22, 2023 [2 favorites]
posted by widdershins at 8:45 AM on March 22, 2023 [2 favorites]
I am going to go against the grain here and encourage you to tell him about your feelings. Not in a Hollywood drama way but something like "I once again want to congratulate you -- I want to share with you that although I was not able to reciprocate your feelings in the past, my feelings for you have actually grown for the past few years, but I didn't feel like it was appropriate to say anything. However right now I am going to need to take some distance from our friendship and I wanted to be honest with you about the reason. I genuinely want to be happy for you, and I need some space to get to a place where I can do that as a friend."
Why: because that is honest, because it creates space for you to take space, as it were, without him second-guessing whether he did something wrong, and because of the slim possibility that he sees you as the one that got away, and he would be making different choices if he were privy to your feelings. If he has moved on and is all in on his relationship with his fiancee, your acknowledgement might be validating for him but not destabilizing to his relationship.
So, in your shoes, I would see fewer downsides to saying something honestly than to not saying anything.
posted by virve at 2:21 PM on March 22, 2023 [4 favorites]
Why: because that is honest, because it creates space for you to take space, as it were, without him second-guessing whether he did something wrong, and because of the slim possibility that he sees you as the one that got away, and he would be making different choices if he were privy to your feelings. If he has moved on and is all in on his relationship with his fiancee, your acknowledgement might be validating for him but not destabilizing to his relationship.
So, in your shoes, I would see fewer downsides to saying something honestly than to not saying anything.
posted by virve at 2:21 PM on March 22, 2023 [4 favorites]
I mean, this just sucks.
How was it out of the nowhere, though? You want to address that with your therapist.
If you are close, wouldn’t you have had a clue? Unless your friend was trying to shield you (out of raging ego or concern or sneakiness I dunno.) Or, if you were so wrapped up in your breakup trauma that you didn’t notice.
There’s no good reason to say anything to your friend.
I’m in agreement that your reaction is more from how raw you are right now that because of feelings for the friend.
posted by Lesser Shrew at 4:17 PM on March 22, 2023
How was it out of the nowhere, though? You want to address that with your therapist.
If you are close, wouldn’t you have had a clue? Unless your friend was trying to shield you (out of raging ego or concern or sneakiness I dunno.) Or, if you were so wrapped up in your breakup trauma that you didn’t notice.
There’s no good reason to say anything to your friend.
I’m in agreement that your reaction is more from how raw you are right now that because of feelings for the friend.
posted by Lesser Shrew at 4:17 PM on March 22, 2023
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posted by nkknkk at 4:41 AM on March 22, 2023 [13 favorites]