Comments on: Songs for my listening displeasure.

Question: Songs for my listening displeasure.

|n$eCur3 — Tue, 25 Apr 2006 15:54:47 -0800

Help me win a stupid contest with the following vague theme: Worst. Songs. Ever.

The problem I am having is that I don't remember names of songs that suck nearly as easily as I remember names of songs that rock. I need to select 8 songs to compete with 7 other friends in a bracket of 64 worst songs ever.

The example song was "My Body is a Wonderland" by John Mayer. "Who Let the Dogs Out" by Baha Men was shortly added. These are pretty bad. Help me find songs that are FAR worse.

Feel free to justify your selections, but keep in mind that I don't want songs that are bad just because they are painful (ie, Revolution #9 by the Beatles).

By: hydrophonic

hydrophonic — Tue, 25 Apr 2006 16:01:29 -0800

Starship - We Built This City (Or is that cheating?)

By: MsMolly

MsMolly — Tue, 25 Apr 2006 16:02:18 -0800

You can probably make some of your picks from VH1's 50 Most Awesomely Bad Songs Ever.

By: maxreax

maxreax — Tue, 25 Apr 2006 16:04:38 -0800

Check out Aziz Ansari's "Worst Mixtape Ever."

By: hangashore

hangashore — Tue, 25 Apr 2006 16:04:58 -0800

"I've Never Been To Me" - Charlene
"Disco Duck" - Rick Dees
"Billy Don't Be A Hero" - Bo Donaldson and the Heywoods

(Please God someone bleach the '70s from my brain.)

By: pazazygeek

pazazygeek — Tue, 25 Apr 2006 16:05:46 -0800

"Rico Suave" and "Where Have All The Cowboys Gone?" are pretty bad.

By: tristeza

tristeza — Tue, 25 Apr 2006 16:05:48 -0800

The Super Bowl Shuffle by the Chicago Bears.

By: pazazygeek

pazazygeek — Tue, 25 Apr 2006 16:10:14 -0800

Oh wait. I also have to nominate "Nookie," by Limp Bizkit, "Sk8tr Boi" by Avril Lavigne, "Mmmm Mmmm Mmmm Mmmm" by the Crash Test Dummies and "Informer" by Snow.

By: ROU_Xenophobe

ROU_Xenophobe — Tue, 25 Apr 2006 16:11:01 -0800

Pac-Man Fever / ???
I'm All Out Of Love / Air Supply
Hooked on a Feeling / ??? (The ooga-chocka song)

By: JekPorkins

JekPorkins — Tue, 25 Apr 2006 16:11:35 -0800

"Heartbeat" by Don Johnson.

And many will no doubt disagree with this one, but "Truckin" by the Grateful Dead.

By: terpsichoria

terpsichoria — Tue, 25 Apr 2006 16:16:41 -0800

'Mr Blobby' by Mr Blobby comes to mind - there's a downloadable copy here. It's in the middle of a radio show (about other awful songs!) but a bit of clipping and you've got a copy of the absolute worst record, novelty or otherwise, ever to be recorded. There should be some sort of statute of limitations on the thing.

A couple of the 'worst 100' lists have Aqua's classic 'Barbie Girl' on there, but for my money 'Doctor Jones' is far, far worse.

By: crapples

crapples — Tue, 25 Apr 2006 16:18:32 -0800

You guys are all wrong! The all time worst song ever HAS to be The Pina Colada Song by Rupert Holmes (the lyrics on that one put it over the top.)

George Harrison's "Got My Mind Set On You" is unbelievably horrible.

"What I Like About You" by The Romantics always made me throw up a little bit in my mouth too.

By: Robot Johnny

Robot Johnny — Tue, 25 Apr 2006 16:19:03 -0800

I'm too sexy for your contest. Too sexy for your contest.

By: krix

krix — Tue, 25 Apr 2006 16:23:27 -0800

Paper Lace - The Night Chicago Died.

For many reasons, not the least of which is:

And there was no sound at all
But the clock upon the wall
Then the door burst open wide
And my daddy stepped inside
And he kissed my mama's face
And he brushed her tears away

- especially the woodblock "tonk tonk" for the clock.

By: duende

duende — Tue, 25 Apr 2006 16:26:34 -0800

Zao - Skin Like Winter

Anything by Dokaka

I used to use these two as an alarm clock. Either could get me up in <5 seconds.

By: |n$eCur3

|n$eCur3 — Tue, 25 Apr 2006 16:26:53 -0800

Wow, these are all bad, but where's the widget to "mark as worst answer." Maxreax, that made me laugh. Plus that butterfly song is awful, thanks!

By: hilker

hilker — Tue, 25 Apr 2006 16:28:14 -0800

Kokomo.

By: clh

clh — Tue, 25 Apr 2006 16:30:43 -0800

Is anything worse than the Macarena?

By: 445supermag

445supermag — Tue, 25 Apr 2006 16:31:22 -0800

"Aaaaargghh" by Venom off the "At War with Satan" album (good luck finding it). It's just them screaming "Aaaaargghh" over a drum beat.

Shatner singing "Lucy in the Sky with diamonds".

How about Yoko Ono screaming like a torchured cat?

By: terpsichoria

terpsichoria — Tue, 25 Apr 2006 16:32:44 -0800

Ooh! Ooh! I spent ages trying to remember this one - There's No-One Quite Like Grandma by the St Winifred's School Choir (which might sound like it's taken from some awful school production, but no - this was UK No.1 for two weeks in 1980!). It really is diabolical. And creepy.

There's no one quite like Grandma
She's there in times of need
Before it's bedtime, on her knee
To us a book she'll read

By: Dasein

Dasein — Tue, 25 Apr 2006 16:33:50 -0800

Damn. Beat me to it! Yes, second Shatner's "Spleen/Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds"

By: megatherium

megatherium — Tue, 25 Apr 2006 16:36:09 -0800

For anthologies of this kind of stuff:
And the Winner is. . . (Dave Barry's announced finalists)
Playlist - Music for Nimrods

By: haplesschild

haplesschild — Tue, 25 Apr 2006 16:37:59 -0800

Check out Charles Manson's Garbage Dump.
I would also argue that Shatner's butchery of Mr. Tambourine Man is more repulsive than Lucy.

And Barbie Girl by Aqua.

By: clarahamster

clarahamster — Tue, 25 Apr 2006 16:44:09 -0800

"my pal foot foot" (MP3) by the shaggs?

By: martinX's bellbottoms

martinX's bellbottoms — Tue, 25 Apr 2006 16:47:17 -0800

MacArthur Park is undeniably bad. Also the Conrad Birdie theme song and the song about the yellow ribbon and the really obnoxious one that goes "and I'm proud to be an American, where at least I know I'm free..."

By: TheRaven

TheRaven — Tue, 25 Apr 2006 16:48:46 -0800

The best worst song (or the worst best song) has to be Sid Vicious singing My Way. Apart from that, 445supermag is right - Shatner singing Lucy in the Sky.

By: Gungho

Gungho — Tue, 25 Apr 2006 16:49:41 -0800

DOA by BloodRock. This was on the Jukebox in the corner store when I was a yout.

By: five fresh fish

five fresh fish — Tue, 25 Apr 2006 16:49:57 -0800

"Let the Eagle Soar" by Ashcroft is pretty gut-wrenching.

By: Kangaroo

Kangaroo — Tue, 25 Apr 2006 16:59:03 -0800

"You Light Up My Life" Debby Boone

By: bim

bim — Tue, 25 Apr 2006 17:01:50 -0800

1)Debbie Boone -- You Light Up My Life

2)any song at all by K.C. and the Sunshine Band (such as Shake Shake Shake Your Booty & That's the Way I Like It)

By: luneray

luneray — Tue, 25 Apr 2006 17:02:17 -0800

"Having My Baby"

I second "MacArthur Park".

How about "Angelina" by Billy Bob Thornton?

"Hey, Hey, Paula" --singers unknown. (a hit in the 50s, I think)

Anything with Frankie Vallie, but that probably falls in the 'painful' category instead of the 'bad' one.

The Golden Throats collection by Rhino Records is a collection of truly awful songs. They are all covers, I think. You'll find the Shatner song there.

By: geekyguy

geekyguy — Tue, 25 Apr 2006 17:03:52 -0800

Tag along question: Who is the best artist to record a worst song?

/derail

By: JekPorkins

JekPorkins — Tue, 25 Apr 2006 17:07:05 -0800

geekguy, that would be John Lennon, with "What's the new Mary Jane?"

By: PinkStainlessTail

PinkStainlessTail — Tue, 25 Apr 2006 17:08:41 -0800

Tag along question: Who is the best artist to record a worst song?

That treacly Tom Waits' song about the girl in the wheelchair. Kentucky Avenue, I think? Awful song.

By: plinth

plinth — Tue, 25 Apr 2006 17:14:00 -0800

"I'm a cranky old yank in a cranky old tank on the streets of Yokohama with my Honolulu mama doin' those beat-o beat-o flat on my seat-o Hirohito blues" by Hoagie Carmichael

By: kirkaracha

kirkaracha — Tue, 25 Apr 2006 17:16:49 -0800

Leonard Nimoy's "Consilium" is worse than anything Shatner's done. "Nothing dries faster...than a tear." "What good is a sundial that sits in the shade?"

Tragically, it's not included on the otherwise-excellent Spaced Out: The Best of Leonard Nimoy and William Shatner.

that would be John Lennon, with "What's the new Mary Jane?"

How about "You Know My Name, Look Up the Number" or "Revolution 9"?

By: sellout

sellout — Tue, 25 Apr 2006 17:21:29 -0800

"In the Year 2525" by Zager and Evans. Can't believe no one mentioned it yet.

By: Saydur

Saydur — Tue, 25 Apr 2006 17:23:33 -0800

Plant Man- Gary Young

Depending on the level of obscurity allowed, there's some truly mind-bogglingly bad songs out there. Now I've got to go hunt a couple of those down...

By: raf

raf — Tue, 25 Apr 2006 17:28:32 -0800

Hanson, MMMBop. (I had to go look up the spelling. Now I feel dirty.)

By: allen.spaulding

allen.spaulding — Tue, 25 Apr 2006 17:30:07 -0800

McCartney's Freedom. Arrrrgh, my ears.

By: JekPorkins

JekPorkins — Tue, 25 Apr 2006 17:31:45 -0800

How about "You Know My Name, Look Up the Number" or "Revolution 9"?

Yeah, John Lennon might just be the all-time greatest awesomely bad songwriter in the world. Just goes to show you: To write a truly awful song, you have to be able to write a truly great one first.

By: malpractice

malpractice — Tue, 25 Apr 2006 17:35:32 -0800

Billy Joel's 'We Didn't Start the Fire' and Daphne and Celeste with their pop abortion, 'Ugly' (which I now can't get out of my head).

By: martinX's bellbottoms

martinX's bellbottoms — Tue, 25 Apr 2006 17:37:17 -0800

I can't believe I forgot "Shiny Happy People" and William Burroughs singing "Star Me Kitten." Also "Vertigo" by U2.

By: discokitty

discokitty — Tue, 25 Apr 2006 17:38:29 -0800

Europe - the Final Countdown .... ugh, it makes baby Jesus cry.

By: camcgee

camcgee — Tue, 25 Apr 2006 17:41:48 -0800

Black Eyed Peas - My Humps

By: needs more cowbell

needs more cowbell — Tue, 25 Apr 2006 17:48:37 -0800

Vintage Bubblegum pop at its most nauseating:
"Bicycles, Rollerskates & You," by The Archies

Ev'ry day I wake up with a happy smile on my face
'Cause I'm so glad to be a member of the human race

and for other reasons, "He Hit Me--It Felt Like A Kiss" by The Crystals.

By: SashaPT

SashaPT — Tue, 25 Apr 2006 17:49:08 -0800

Telephone Man, by Meri Wilson.

Hey, baby, I'm your telephone man
You just show me where you want it
and I'll put it where I can
I can put it in the bedroom, I can put it in the hall
I can put it in the bathroom, I can hang it on the wall
You can have it with a buzz, you can have it with a ring
And if you really want it you can have a ding-a-ling
Because, a hey, baby, I'm your telephone man

By: oflinkey

oflinkey — Tue, 25 Apr 2006 17:51:12 -0800

Blue Collar Man by Styx
That Damn Christmas Carol I Cannot Find an Audio of Anywhere (Jingle-O the Brownie) by Tennessee Ernie Ford
Flood by Jars of Clay

By: trinarian

trinarian — Tue, 25 Apr 2006 17:55:08 -0800

Iced Earth - When the Eagle Cries

some Aussie uploaded it onto my iPod in Kew West.

By: box

box — Tue, 25 Apr 2006 17:59:40 -0800

The Jimmy Neutron soundtrack has a cover version of 'Parents Just Don't Understand' by Lil' Romeo, 3LW and Nick Cannon. Come to think of it, soundtrakcs are a rich vein of really bad songs. So's outsider art/songs in the key of Z/schoolchildren kinda stuff. Ooh, and benefit songs. Some thoughts to start with, anyway.

(Also, 'Pac-Man Fever' was recorded by Buckner and Garcia. They did a whole album along those lines, and 'Pac-Man Fever' isn't even close to being the worst song on it.)

By: deeman

deeman — Tue, 25 Apr 2006 18:06:28 -0800

I'm a barbie girl, in a barbie world

By: inigo2

inigo2 — Tue, 25 Apr 2006 18:07:24 -0800

Bruce Willis singing Under The Boardwalk. (Or, for that matter, any other song on this album.)

Anything by William Hung?

And darn you for asking this question, because there's another song on the tip of my tongue that I just can't quite remember...

By: inigo2

inigo2 — Tue, 25 Apr 2006 18:12:54 -0800

Phew...remembered; now I can sleep tonight:
Musical Youth - Pass The Dutchie

By: kindall

kindall — Tue, 25 Apr 2006 18:14:08 -0800

Anything by Harold Faltermeyer. Look well beyond "Axel F." I have to admit I kind of like "Prophecy" (he was smart and put the best song first) but otherwise, I'm basically sorry I ever bought his album, "Harold F."

Michael Cretu (of Enigma) had a solo album under the name Cretu that has some awesomely bad stuff on it as well.

By: Decani

Decani — Tue, 25 Apr 2006 18:14:51 -0800

Like A Rolling Stone, Bob Dylan.

Imbecilic, lazy three-chord bullshit dressed with a pathetically thin, cracked patina of grade A sixties bullshit and faux-profundity. Sung by a crack-throated, tone deaf cunt with a bad haircut and a harmonica that should have been rammed up his jacksie, sideways, repeatedly. Even unto this day.

By: Afroblanco

Afroblanco — Tue, 25 Apr 2006 18:18:10 -0800

- Heavy Things (Phish)
- Judy and the Dream of Horses (Belle and Sebastian)
- Boot Scootin' Boogie (Brooks and Dunn)
- Touch Me (The Doors)
- I've Got My Mind Set on You (George Harrison)
- Who Let The Dogs Out (The Bahamen)
- From a Distance (Bette Midler)
- any song that rhymes "girl" and "world" (this nominates The New Kids On The Block's entire catalog)
- Celebrate (Kool and the Gang)
- Everybody Have Fun Tonight (Wang Chung)

thesesongsareallawfulseriouslyandimeanitidratherlistentothefuckingmacarena

By: jenh

jenh — Tue, 25 Apr 2006 18:29:33 -0800

Don't know if it qualifies because it's not really mainstream, but for favorite endearing gem-like awful songs, I'd vote for T. Valentine's "Betty Sue." Audio samples available here.

For just plain awful, there's always "Muskrat Love" by Captain & Tenille or "Tonight's the Night" by Rod Stewart...I know there are some really, really bad modern songs, but am drawing a blank right now.

It's funny you mention Revolution #9...I'm actually never allowed near a jukebox again after drunkenly fat-fingering a Beatles selection after a Stones vs. Beatles conversation. Easiest way you can imagine to piss off every single patron in the Irish bar.

By: clh

clh — Tue, 25 Apr 2006 18:35:03 -0800

Disco Duck
by Rick Dees

By: dflemingdotorg

dflemingdotorg — Tue, 25 Apr 2006 18:38:03 -0800

Chumbawumba - Tubthumping

By: misozaki

misozaki — Tue, 25 Apr 2006 18:47:31 -0800

You have to tell us what you ended up choosing for your list! Just because I read this, I've got some pretty awful songs running through my head now...

Physical by Olivia Newton John. Worst No. 1 hit single ever.

A song that's being played over and over and over in Japan right now that's driving me nuts is James Blunt's "You're Beautiful." The first time I heard it, it was okay. After the nth time, ugh. What a sappy song.

By: Biblio

Biblio — Tue, 25 Apr 2006 18:49:43 -0800

"Bloody Bess" by Karla Davito.
Listen here.

By: GrammarMoses

GrammarMoses — Tue, 25 Apr 2006 18:57:40 -0800

"Run Joey Run," David Geddes

"Do Ya Think I'm Sexy," Rod Stewart

"One Tin Soldier" (from the fine film Billy Jack), Original Caste

"Make It With You," Bread

By: jimmythefish

jimmythefish — Tue, 25 Apr 2006 19:18:55 -0800

Wow, out come the hipsters and the haters. I've tried to overcome my musical snobbery over the years, which has caused me to enjoy some stuff which would otherwise be looked-down-the-nose at.

Personally, I can't stand the VH1/MTV/MM/MMM listmaking, which is really just lazy programming. This week! Best songs by artists who used to do crack but are over it and who might relapse! Only here!

Please.

The songs named on that USA Today list aren't the worst songs ever, or even close. They were all big hits. So, really, this is an alternatively subjective list of a list of songs that some people don't like. It's totally, completely pointless.

I happen to really like 'Like a Rolling Stone'. I hate, hate, hate lots of stuff that it's cool to like - I want to crush the stereo when anything by Leonard Cohen comes on. Can't listen to it. Velvet Underground? HATE Lou Reed's voice. Hate it. I want to scrape my brain out when I hear Tori Amos sing.

So there.

By: eilatan

eilatan — Tue, 25 Apr 2006 19:23:11 -0800

discokitty, I can top your nomination of "The Final Countdown"--how about a screaming death metal version of "The Final Countdown" by Children of Bodom?

The only other thing that comes close is Rolf Harris's renditon of "I Touch Myself".

By: SPrintF

SPrintF — Tue, 25 Apr 2006 19:27:15 -0800

Hmm. Timothy. A song by Rupert Holmes. About a mining disaster. And cannibalism. Which incredibly got a lot of air play when I was just a lad.

By: jimmythefish

jimmythefish — Tue, 25 Apr 2006 19:27:52 -0800

But if it's a contest, my vote goes to 'Unbelievable' by EMF. When that comes on I curse my birth.

By: asok

asok — Tue, 25 Apr 2006 19:28:34 -0800

Anything by Stefan Dennis. On closer inspection it seems he only had one release. Which is something to thank him for.
The rest of the Stock, Aitken and Waterman stable is pretty awful, in a pop music formula kind of way.

Worst song is subjective. Are we talking most poorly executed, weakest lyrics, out of tune, badly produced, or songs I don't like much?

The Happy Flowers made an art of producing out of tune songs. They rocked *devil sign*. How can you not like music made by Mr Anus and Mr Horriblycharredinfant?

By: clarkstonian

clarkstonian — Tue, 25 Apr 2006 19:43:46 -0800

Personally, I LOVE Timothy - because - cannibalism on AM radio?

I can't believe no one mentioned:

Afternoon Delight
Popsicle Toes
Midnight at the Oasis
Hey there lonely girl
Seasons in the sun

Five of the worst songs to ever get airplay. Ever.

By: JMOZ

JMOZ — Tue, 25 Apr 2006 19:47:39 -0800

Hmm, there are tons of choices, but I'd put "Don't Worry, Be Happy" on the list as a non-obvious obvious choice.

By: Afroblanco

Afroblanco — Tue, 25 Apr 2006 20:01:58 -0800

Some more :

Nothing Compares to You (Sinade O' Connor)
Hold On (Wilson Phillps)
I Saw the Sing (Ace of Base)
Knockin' on Heaven's Door (Bob Dylan)

By: a louis wain cat

a louis wain cat — Tue, 25 Apr 2006 20:05:30 -0800

I strongly second Limp Bizkit's "Nookie." In fact, I'd say pretty much anything by Limp Bizkit qualifies, but then, I regard Limp Bizkit as pretty much the worst band of any kind ever.

Going into more deservedly obscure fare, there's the "Ballad of Bilbo Baggins" by Leonard Nimoy, which manages the winning trick of being both really, really catchy and really, really annoying. The lyrics are actually quite true to the book. As a Tolkien fan, I am offended by this. You can view the video for it here.

You also might want check out this Metafilter post, which links to some MP3s that are full of potential choices for this contest, though some of it might go too far into Revolution #9 territory. The ensuing discussion also names a bunch of potentially worthwhile candidates. There's also this site.

By: Hogshead

Hogshead — Tue, 25 Apr 2006 20:08:13 -0800

You're all wrong. Because of SCIENCE.

Vitaly Komar and Alex Melamid, working with Dave Soldier, issued a CD in the late 90s called 'The People's Choice Music'. It's based on the results of a survey conducted by the Dia Arts Center in New York, about what people wanted and didn't want to hear in a song.

The result contains two items: 'The Most Wanted Song', a 5-minute composition that "will be unavoidably and uncontrollably liked by 72% (plus or minus 12%) of listeners", and a 21-minute song called 'The Most Unwanted Song'. And they're not kidding.

To quote from the website: "The most unwanted music... veers wildly between loud and quiet sections, between fast and slow tempos, and features timbres of extremely high and low pitch, with each dichotomy presented in abrupt transition. The most unwanted orchestra was determined to be large, and features the accordion and bagpipe (which tie at 13% as the most unwanted instrument), banjo, flute, tuba, harp, organ, synthesizer (the only instrument that appears in both the most wanted and most unwanted ensembles). An operatic soprano raps and sings atonal music, advertising jingles, political slogans, and "elevator" music, and a children's choir sings jingles and holiday songs. The most unwanted subjects for lyrics are cowboys and holidays, and the most unwanted listening circumstances are involuntary exposure to commericals and elevator music. Therefore, it can be shown that if there is no covariance—someone who dislikes bagpipes is as likely to hate elevator music as someone who despises the organ, for example—fewer than 200 individuals of the world's total population would enjoy this piece."

By: Mr. Gunn

Mr. Gunn — Tue, 25 Apr 2006 20:08:54 -0800

"Let the Eagle Soar" - John Ashcroft
"Keep your hands to yourself" - Georgia Satellites
"Cotton-eyed Joe" - I don't know, nor do I want to.

By: peep

peep — Tue, 25 Apr 2006 20:09:08 -0800

For crap lyrics, you can't beat Abracadabra by Steve Miller. Sample: "I feel the magic in your caress/I feel magic when I touch your dress."

By: crazycanuck

crazycanuck — Tue, 25 Apr 2006 20:11:14 -0800

if you want terrible, try the entire repertoire of artists such as:
- Milli Vanilli (Girl you know it's true, Don't forget my number)
- Debbie Gibson (Electric Youth)
- Rick Astley (Never Gonna Give You Up)
- Lionel Ritchie (Hello)
- Tiffani (that awful cover of I Think We're Alone Now)
- Paula Abdul (Straight Up)

By: box

box — Tue, 25 Apr 2006 20:51:07 -0800

Number one hits have long been mostly slick, corporate products of committee. They're almost always produced and performed by more-or-less competent professionals. The single's usually the song that somebody thought was the best, or at least the most potentially-successful, song on the album. And so, not surprisingly, many of your big hit pop numbers are really, really bad.

But not nearly bad enough. If you limit yourself to the stuff from the VH1 or USA Today lists (no offense), you're missing out on whole orders of bad-song magnitude. There's a whole world of songs recorded by people who barely know how to play their instruments, or write a song, or sing a note; answer songs performed by no-name incompetents, and cover songs from folks who don't even know the original; cult members and backwater evangelists and propagandists and schoolchildren; people who are illiterate, incoherent, insane, sometimes all of the above.

The above sentence kinda got away from me, but you get the drift. The worst songs ever recorded are obscure. Golden Throats, April Winchell, Dr. Demento, the snotty clerks at the local indie record store and the vinyl racks at your local Salvation Army are all good places to start.

By: pyramid termite

pyramid termite — Tue, 25 Apr 2006 21:13:22 -0800

"ballad of the green berets" by ssgt barry sadler ... although the b side to that manages to be worse

By: TimeFactor

TimeFactor — Tue, 25 Apr 2006 21:13:27 -0800

Centipede (YouTube video) - Rebbie Jackson (the other Jackson sister. No, not that one, the other other one).

The chorus:
Like a centipede that's hot
The fire is in your touch
Just like a centipede you've got
A lot of lovin' to touch

QED

By: pyramid termite

pyramid termite — Tue, 25 Apr 2006 21:16:19 -0800

he didn't have your normal rock star biography by any means

By: Jon Mitchell

Jon Mitchell — Tue, 25 Apr 2006 21:35:40 -0800

Hogshead - that "most unwanted" music sounds fantastic!

My most loathed songs are usually of the novelty variety:

Witch Doctor
Crazy Frog

And, of course, Definitely Maybe. All of it. Seriously, look at those lyrics...

Disclaimer, though: I am a musical snob. Sorry.

Oh: The Timewarp.

By: CrayDrygu

CrayDrygu — Tue, 25 Apr 2006 21:43:48 -0800

What does it say about me that I actually like most of the songs that people are nominating? I'm not the only one -- my roommate and many of my friends would agree.

You want a song that actually bad? You want Pink Floyd's "Several Species Of Small Furry Animals Gathered Together In A Cave And Grooving With A Pict." You can barely even call it a song.

How about Peter Gabriel's "Shock the Monkey"?

And this one's a holiday song, but it's so bad... Keith Harling's "Santa's Got a Semi."

By: nuclear_soup

nuclear_soup — Tue, 25 Apr 2006 21:50:57 -0800

I'm going to have to go with Hulkster in Heaven.

By: The Bishop of Turkey

The Bishop of Turkey — Tue, 25 Apr 2006 22:10:11 -0800

Well, she may not have written them, but once Mrs. Miller sings a song she makes it hers for forever.

By: musicinmybrain

musicinmybrain — Tue, 25 Apr 2006 22:43:20 -0800

"my pal foot foot" (MP3) by the shaggs?

I was going to suggest that. It wins hands down in my book.

By: |n$eCur3

|n$eCur3 — Tue, 25 Apr 2006 22:52:46 -0800

Thanks for the overwhelming response. I don't really know what to do other than start listening to the suggestions (I've only heard of about 1/2 of them). I have a lot of homework to do if I want to win this contest.

By: pompomtom

pompomtom — Tue, 25 Apr 2006 22:58:37 -0800

Shaddup You Face - Joe Dolce

By: |n$eCur3

|n$eCur3 — Tue, 25 Apr 2006 23:09:47 -0800

I'll update this weekend to let you know my choices. I can even publish the bracket (but it will take a while for the contest to end).

By: ODiV

ODiV — Tue, 25 Apr 2006 23:12:13 -0800

Couldn't you just record yourself singing really poorly at the top of your lungs for about 3 hours and then do this 8 times? I guess you'd want something that was actually put out by someone and is available in retail?

'It's a Small World After All' maybe?

By: rob511

rob511 — Tue, 25 Apr 2006 23:40:41 -0800

"Christmas Don't Be Late" (Alvin & the Chipmunks)
"La Bamba" (Ritchie Valens)
"Mambo No. 5" (Lou Bega)

By: chrominance

chrominance — Wed, 26 Apr 2006 00:06:58 -0800

An oft-overlooked gold mine of horrible songs comes from the Eurodance revolution of the early and mid-90s. For example, there's Sin With Sebastian's "Shut Up (And Sleep With Me)," Eiffel 65's "I'm Blue (Da Ba Dee)" or anything by Captain Jack.

I feel kind of bad adding that last one, as apparently the poor Captain died of a brain hemmorhage.

By: davehat

davehat — Wed, 26 Apr 2006 00:19:15 -0800

"Itsy-Bitsy-Teeny-Weenie-Yellow-Polka-Dot-Bikini" anyone? For giving the world the worst cover of an already atrocious song, Timmy Mallet ought to be in-humanely killed. By a group of 2 year olds. With a baseball bats.

What about "We all Stand Together" and "Pipes of Peace" by one of those guys who used to be in the Beatles? They're both feckin craptastic!

Also, I see no metion of the King of Crap and convicted kiddie fiddler Jonathan King either. Una Paloma Blanca anyone?

By: bifter

bifter — Wed, 26 Apr 2006 03:07:38 -0800

Shania Twain - That Don't Impress Me Much (also a prime contender for the "worst song to have sex to" award)

Carla Lane - The Animal Song

By: auntbunny

auntbunny — Wed, 26 Apr 2006 04:06:41 -0800

Kung Fu Fighting by Carl Douglas

They were funky China men from funky Chinatown
They were chopping them up and they were chopping them down
It's an ancient Chineese art and everybody knew their part
From a feint into a slip, and kicking from the hip

Everybody was kung-fu fighting
Those cats were fast as lightning
In fact it was a little bit frightning
But they fought with expert timing

By: Pericles

Pericles — Wed, 26 Apr 2006 04:45:14 -0800

"Rasputin" by Boney M features the most slack-jawed drooling retard of a lyric in all recorded history:

RA RA RASPUTIN

Lover of the Russian queen

There was a cat that really was gone

(More)
Boney M also did a fabulous cheery hand-clapping cover of "No Woman No Cry" which is great at parties.

By: flabdablet

flabdablet — Wed, 26 Apr 2006 04:46:55 -0800

Leonard Nimoy's cover of Proud Mary gets my vote. It's on Golden Throats too, IIRC.

By: kimota

kimota — Wed, 26 Apr 2006 07:06:41 -0800

You're going to have to decide whether winning this will involve playing top 40 hits that are universally recognized but that people are tired of or really, really bad songs, the kind that clear a room. I'd be inclined to go for the latter. To that end:

If you're going to do "Don't Worry, Be Happy," you have to follow it up with 4 Non Blondes' "What's Up." The effect will be squared, possibly cubed.

I have it on good authority that Wings' "Cook of the House" is an atrocity.

Morris Albert: Feelings
Mike Reno & Ann Wilson: Almost Paradise
Denise Nightingale: Lead Me On
Matthew Wilder's Break My Stride
Mark Dinning: Teen Angel

If you do "Timothy," also do Gilbert O'Sullivan's Clair, which is about incest.

I don't care how many people say everyone secretly loves this song, I hate it: Foreigner's "I Want To Know What Love Is"

Dionne Warwick & Friends: That's What Friends Are For
Lionel Richie: Hello
Paula Abdul: Vibeology
Trashmen: Surfin' Bird
Tom Petty: Into the Great Wide Open
Suicide's Frankie Teardrop
Singing Nun: Dominique
Sheriff's When I'm With You
Righteous Brothers: Rock and Roll Heaven

Napoleon XIV "They're Coming To Take Me Away, Ha-Haaa!" and its even worse b-side, which is just the single in reverse.

Diary of an Unborn Child

A suite of Jim Steinman songs:
Making Love Out of Nothing At All (Air Supply)
It's All Coming Back To Me Now (Celine Dion)
Total Eclipse of the heart (Bonnie Tyler)
Holding Out for a Hero (Bonnie Tyler)
I'd Do Anything For Love (But I Won't Do That) (Meat Loaf)

I would probably end with Rhoda Dakar's "The Boiler," a song written to be heard only once!

By: kimota

kimota — Wed, 26 Apr 2006 07:14:16 -0800

Oh, and Neil Diamond's "Headed For The Future"

By: Afroblanco

Afroblanco — Wed, 26 Apr 2006 07:15:29 -0800

Last but not least :

Lump (Presidents of the USA)

By: Neiltupper

Neiltupper — Wed, 26 Apr 2006 09:50:35 -0800

Paul McCartney's Freedom.

"Anyone tries to take it away
They'll have to answer
'Cause this is my right"

Arrrgh!

By: PinkStainlessTail

PinkStainlessTail — Wed, 26 Apr 2006 10:46:07 -0800

Paul McCartney's Freedom.

As Mark Steel said "proof that the Beatles are dying in the opposite order from what they should have."

By: inigo2

inigo2 — Wed, 26 Apr 2006 11:05:02 -0800

Coincidentally enough, there's a cnn.com article today titled "The worst song of all time, part II", as "CNN.com users pick their (least) favorites".

5. "Seasons in the Sun," Terry Jacks (No. 1 for three weeks, 1974): "A melody you couldn't play for your dog combined with inane lyrics" (Chris K.); "An all-time piece of dreck" (Darrell); "Having to listen to it is a season in hell" (Bonnie D.).

4. "I've Never Been to Me," Charlene (No. 3, 1982): "I want to punch out my radio when it comes on the air" (Larry W.); "Even the mush department at Hallmark would puke" (Eric and Linda); "I'm thinking that in her case, 'Me' probably wasn't such a fun place to go to" (Brenda K.).

3. "You Light Up My Life," Debby Boone (No. 1 for 10 weeks, 1977): "How can anything so insipidly slow light up anything?" (Bob B.); "[It] sounded like it was thrown together on a rainy afternoon by a lovestruck adolescent" (Jan R.); "The musical equivalent of being keel-hauled" (Michael R.).

2. "Muskrat Love," The Captain and Tennille (No. 4, 1976): "A song about aquatic rodents doin' the wild thing? Eeeeeew!" (Garland E.); "The name says it all" (Stacy D.); "I would pay good money to have its lyrics, tune, and even the fact of its existence erased from my memory" (Dave C.).

And the No. 1 worst song as voted on by CNN.com users:

1. "(You're) Having My Baby," Paul Anka (No. 1 for three weeks, 1974): It wasn't even close; Anka's hit beat out "Muskrat" by more than 50 votes, a veritable landslide under the circumstances. As our correspondents raved: "How can a person not be annoyed by lyrics like, 'You're a woman in love and I love what it's doin' to ya'?" (Shauna M.); " 'What a lovely way of sayin' how much you love me' -- If that isn't the most egocentric solipsistic revolting line of all time" (Stu S. and Andi S.); "I don't know a woman alive who doesn't cringe when it comes on the radio. I'm sure it's banned in most countries around the world" (Gord P.).

By: nebulawindphone

nebulawindphone — Wed, 26 Apr 2006 12:49:18 -0800

I sincerely hope you'll be putting this bracket online and posting that fucker to Projects. I wanna see this in action.

By: divabat

divabat — Wed, 26 Apr 2006 14:52:33 -0800

Oh come on, Aqua rocks.

I'd say check out the novelty "hits" that hit #1 on the UK charts - the most random songs make it on there (I remember one of my Girl Guide songs was a hit!) .

How about The Cheeky Girls?

By: divabat

divabat — Wed, 26 Apr 2006 14:53:08 -0800

Oh, also anything by Daze. Wannabe Aqua clone that completely failed at life.

By: anildash

anildash — Wed, 26 Apr 2006 16:41:44 -0800

There's a dance remix of Kate Bush covering Elton John's "Candle in the Wind" that I think has your name on it.