Songs for my listening displeasure.

April 25, 2006 3:54 PM

Help me win a stupid contest with the following vague theme: Worst. Songs. Ever.

The problem I am having is that I don't remember names of songs that suck nearly as easily as I remember names of songs that rock. I need to select 8 songs to compete with 7 other friends in a bracket of 64 worst songs ever.

The example song was "My Body is a Wonderland" by John Mayer. "Who Let the Dogs Out" by Baha Men was shortly added. These are pretty bad. Help me find songs that are FAR worse.

Feel free to justify your selections, but keep in mind that I don't want songs that are bad just because they are painful (ie, Revolution #9 by the Beatles).

posted by |n$eCur3 to media & arts (104 comments total)

Starship - We Built This City (Or is that cheating?)
posted by hydrophonic at 4:01 PM on April 25, 2006

You can probably make some of your picks from VH1's 50 Most Awesomely Bad Songs Ever.
posted by MsMolly at 4:02 PM on April 25, 2006

Check out Aziz Ansari's "Worst Mixtape Ever."
posted by maxreax at 4:04 PM on April 25, 2006

"I've Never Been To Me" - Charlene
"Disco Duck" - Rick Dees
"Billy Don't Be A Hero" - Bo Donaldson and the Heywoods

(Please God someone bleach the '70s from my brain.)
posted by hangashore at 4:04 PM on April 25, 2006

"Rico Suave" and "Where Have All The Cowboys Gone?" are pretty bad.
posted by pazazygeek at 4:05 PM on April 25, 2006

The Super Bowl Shuffle by the Chicago Bears.
posted by tristeza at 4:05 PM on April 25, 2006

Oh wait. I also have to nominate "Nookie," by Limp Bizkit, "Sk8tr Boi" by Avril Lavigne, "Mmmm Mmmm Mmmm Mmmm" by the Crash Test Dummies and "Informer" by Snow.
posted by pazazygeek at 4:10 PM on April 25, 2006

Pac-Man Fever / ???
I'm All Out Of Love / Air Supply
Hooked on a Feeling / ??? (The ooga-chocka song)
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 4:11 PM on April 25, 2006

"Heartbeat" by Don Johnson.

And many will no doubt disagree with this one, but "Truckin" by the Grateful Dead.
posted by JekPorkins at 4:11 PM on April 25, 2006

'Mr Blobby' by Mr Blobby comes to mind - there's a downloadable copy here. It's in the middle of a radio show (about other awful songs!) but a bit of clipping and you've got a copy of the absolute worst record, novelty or otherwise, ever to be recorded. There should be some sort of statute of limitations on the thing.

A couple of the 'worst 100' lists have Aqua's classic 'Barbie Girl' on there, but for my money 'Doctor Jones' is far, far worse.
posted by terpsichoria at 4:16 PM on April 25, 2006

You guys are all wrong! The all time worst song ever HAS to be The Pina Colada Song by Rupert Holmes (the lyrics on that one put it over the top.)

George Harrison's "Got My Mind Set On You" is unbelievably horrible.

"What I Like About You" by The Romantics always made me throw up a little bit in my mouth too.
posted by crapples at 4:18 PM on April 25, 2006

I'm too sexy for your contest. Too sexy for your contest.
posted by Robot Johnny at 4:19 PM on April 25, 2006

Paper Lace - The Night Chicago Died.

For many reasons, not the least of which is:

And there was no sound at all
But the clock upon the wall
Then the door burst open wide
And my daddy stepped inside
And he kissed my mama's face
And he brushed her tears away

- especially the woodblock "tonk tonk" for the clock.
posted by krix at 4:23 PM on April 25, 2006

Zao - Skin Like Winter

Anything by Dokaka

I used to use these two as an alarm clock. Either could get me up in <5 seconds.
posted by duende at 4:26 PM on April 25, 2006

Wow, these are all bad, but where's the widget to "mark as worst answer." Maxreax, that made me laugh. Plus that butterfly song is awful, thanks!
posted by |n$eCur3 at 4:26 PM on April 25, 2006

Kokomo.
posted by hilker at 4:28 PM on April 25, 2006

Is anything worse than the Macarena?
posted by clh at 4:30 PM on April 25, 2006

"Aaaaargghh" by Venom off the "At War with Satan" album (good luck finding it). It's just them screaming "Aaaaargghh" over a drum beat.

Shatner singing "Lucy in the Sky with diamonds".

How about Yoko Ono screaming like a torchured cat?
posted by 445supermag at 4:31 PM on April 25, 2006

Ooh! Ooh! I spent ages trying to remember this one - There's No-One Quite Like Grandma by the St Winifred's School Choir (which might sound like it's taken from some awful school production, but no - this was UK No.1 for two weeks in 1980!). It really is diabolical. And creepy.

There's no one quite like Grandma
She's there in times of need
Before it's bedtime, on her knee
To us a book she'll read
posted by terpsichoria at 4:32 PM on April 25, 2006

Damn. Beat me to it! Yes, second Shatner's "Spleen/Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds"
posted by Dasein at 4:33 PM on April 25, 2006

For anthologies of this kind of stuff:
And the Winner is. . . (Dave Barry's announced finalists)
Playlist - Music for Nimrods
posted by megatherium at 4:36 PM on April 25, 2006

Check out Charles Manson's Garbage Dump.
I would also argue that Shatner's butchery of Mr. Tambourine Man is more repulsive than Lucy.

And Barbie Girl by Aqua.
posted by haplesschild at 4:37 PM on April 25, 2006

"my pal foot foot" (MP3) by the shaggs?
posted by clarahamster at 4:44 PM on April 25, 2006

MacArthur Park is undeniably bad. Also the Conrad Birdie theme song and the song about the yellow ribbon and the really obnoxious one that goes "and I'm proud to be an American, where at least I know I'm free..."
posted by martinX's bellbottoms at 4:47 PM on April 25, 2006

The best worst song (or the worst best song) has to be Sid Vicious singing My Way. Apart from that, 445supermag is right - Shatner singing Lucy in the Sky.
posted by TheRaven at 4:48 PM on April 25, 2006

DOA by BloodRock. This was on the Jukebox in the corner store when I was a yout.
posted by Gungho at 4:49 PM on April 25, 2006

"Let the Eagle Soar" by Ashcroft is pretty gut-wrenching.
posted by five fresh fish at 4:49 PM on April 25, 2006

"You Light Up My Life" Debby Boone
posted by Kangaroo at 4:59 PM on April 25, 2006

1)Debbie Boone -- You Light Up My Life

2)any song at all by K.C. and the Sunshine Band (such as Shake Shake Shake Your Booty & That's the Way I Like It)
posted by bim at 5:01 PM on April 25, 2006

"Having My Baby"

I second "MacArthur Park".

How about "Angelina" by Billy Bob Thornton?

"Hey, Hey, Paula" --singers unknown. (a hit in the 50s, I think)

Anything with Frankie Vallie, but that probably falls in the 'painful' category instead of the 'bad' one.

The Golden Throats collection by Rhino Records is a collection of truly awful songs. They are all covers, I think. You'll find the Shatner song there.
posted by luneray at 5:02 PM on April 25, 2006

Tag along question: Who is the best artist to record a worst song?

/derail
posted by geekyguy at 5:03 PM on April 25, 2006

geekguy, that would be John Lennon, with "What's the new Mary Jane?"
posted by JekPorkins at 5:07 PM on April 25, 2006

Tag along question: Who is the best artist to record a worst song?

That treacly Tom Waits' song about the girl in the wheelchair. Kentucky Avenue, I think? Awful song.
posted by PinkStainlessTail at 5:08 PM on April 25, 2006

"I'm a cranky old yank in a cranky old tank on the streets of Yokohama with my Honolulu mama doin' those beat-o beat-o flat on my seat-o Hirohito blues" by Hoagie Carmichael
posted by plinth at 5:14 PM on April 25, 2006

Leonard Nimoy's "Consilium" is worse than anything Shatner's done. "Nothing dries faster...than a tear." "What good is a sundial that sits in the shade?"

Tragically, it's not included on the otherwise-excellent Spaced Out: The Best of Leonard Nimoy and William Shatner.

that would be John Lennon, with "What's the new Mary Jane?"

How about "You Know My Name, Look Up the Number" or "Revolution 9"?
posted by kirkaracha at 5:16 PM on April 25, 2006

"In the Year 2525" by Zager and Evans. Can't believe no one mentioned it yet.
posted by sellout at 5:21 PM on April 25, 2006

Plant Man- Gary Young

Depending on the level of obscurity allowed, there's some truly mind-bogglingly bad songs out there. Now I've got to go hunt a couple of those down...
posted by Saydur at 5:23 PM on April 25, 2006

Hanson, MMMBop. (I had to go look up the spelling. Now I feel dirty.)
posted by raf at 5:28 PM on April 25, 2006

McCartney's Freedom. Arrrrgh, my ears.
posted by allen.spaulding at 5:30 PM on April 25, 2006

How about "You Know My Name, Look Up the Number" or "Revolution 9"?

Yeah, John Lennon might just be the all-time greatest awesomely bad songwriter in the world. Just goes to show you: To write a truly awful song, you have to be able to write a truly great one first.
posted by JekPorkins at 5:31 PM on April 25, 2006

Billy Joel's 'We Didn't Start the Fire' and Daphne and Celeste with their pop abortion, 'Ugly' (which I now can't get out of my head).
posted by malpractice at 5:35 PM on April 25, 2006

I can't believe I forgot "Shiny Happy People" and William Burroughs singing "Star Me Kitten." Also "Vertigo" by U2.
posted by martinX's bellbottoms at 5:37 PM on April 25, 2006

Europe - the Final Countdown .... ugh, it makes baby Jesus cry.
posted by discokitty at 5:38 PM on April 25, 2006

Black Eyed Peas - My Humps
posted by camcgee at 5:41 PM on April 25, 2006

Vintage Bubblegum pop at its most nauseating:
"Bicycles, Rollerskates & You," by The Archies

Ev'ry day I wake up with a happy smile on my face
'Cause I'm so glad to be a member of the human race

and for other reasons, "He Hit Me--It Felt Like A Kiss" by The Crystals.
posted by needs more cowbell at 5:48 PM on April 25, 2006

Telephone Man, by Meri Wilson.

Hey, baby, I'm your telephone man
You just show me where you want it
and I'll put it where I can
I can put it in the bedroom, I can put it in the hall
I can put it in the bathroom, I can hang it on the wall
You can have it with a buzz, you can have it with a ring
And if you really want it you can have a ding-a-ling
Because, a hey, baby, I'm your telephone man
posted by SashaPT at 5:49 PM on April 25, 2006

Blue Collar Man by Styx
That Damn Christmas Carol I Cannot Find an Audio of Anywhere (Jingle-O the Brownie) by Tennessee Ernie Ford
Flood by Jars of Clay
posted by oflinkey at 5:51 PM on April 25, 2006

Iced Earth - When the Eagle Cries

some Aussie uploaded it onto my iPod in Kew West.
posted by trinarian at 5:55 PM on April 25, 2006

The Jimmy Neutron soundtrack has a cover version of 'Parents Just Don't Understand' by Lil' Romeo, 3LW and Nick Cannon. Come to think of it, soundtrakcs are a rich vein of really bad songs. So's outsider art/songs in the key of Z/schoolchildren kinda stuff. Ooh, and benefit songs. Some thoughts to start with, anyway.

(Also, 'Pac-Man Fever' was recorded by Buckner and Garcia. They did a whole album along those lines, and 'Pac-Man Fever' isn't even close to being the worst song on it.)
posted by box at 5:59 PM on April 25, 2006

I'm a barbie girl, in a barbie world
posted by deeman at 6:06 PM on April 25, 2006

Bruce Willis singing Under The Boardwalk. (Or, for that matter, any other song on this album.)

Anything by William Hung?

And darn you for asking this question, because there's another song on the tip of my tongue that I just can't quite remember...
posted by inigo2 at 6:07 PM on April 25, 2006

Phew...remembered; now I can sleep tonight:
Musical Youth - Pass The Dutchie
posted by inigo2 at 6:12 PM on April 25, 2006

Anything by Harold Faltermeyer. Look well beyond "Axel F." I have to admit I kind of like "Prophecy" (he was smart and put the best song first) but otherwise, I'm basically sorry I ever bought his album, "Harold F."

Michael Cretu (of Enigma) had a solo album under the name Cretu that has some awesomely bad stuff on it as well.
posted by kindall at 6:14 PM on April 25, 2006

Like A Rolling Stone, Bob Dylan.

Imbecilic, lazy three-chord bullshit dressed with a pathetically thin, cracked patina of grade A sixties bullshit and faux-profundity. Sung by a crack-throated, tone deaf cunt with a bad haircut and a harmonica that should have been rammed up his jacksie, sideways, repeatedly. Even unto this day.
posted by Decani at 6:14 PM on April 25, 2006

- Heavy Things (Phish)
- Judy and the Dream of Horses (Belle and Sebastian)
- Boot Scootin' Boogie (Brooks and Dunn)
- Touch Me (The Doors)
- I've Got My Mind Set on You (George Harrison)
- Who Let The Dogs Out (The Bahamen)
- From a Distance (Bette Midler)
- any song that rhymes "girl" and "world" (this nominates The New Kids On The Block's entire catalog)
- Celebrate (Kool and the Gang)
- Everybody Have Fun Tonight (Wang Chung)

thesesongsareallawfulseriouslyandimeanitidratherlistentothefuckingmacarena
posted by Afroblanco at 6:18 PM on April 25, 2006

Don't know if it qualifies because it's not really mainstream, but for favorite endearing gem-like awful songs, I'd vote for T. Valentine's "Betty Sue." Audio samples available here.

For just plain awful, there's always "Muskrat Love" by Captain & Tenille or "Tonight's the Night" by Rod Stewart...I know there are some really, really bad modern songs, but am drawing a blank right now.

It's funny you mention Revolution #9...I'm actually never allowed near a jukebox again after drunkenly fat-fingering a Beatles selection after a Stones vs. Beatles conversation. Easiest way you can imagine to piss off every single patron in the Irish bar.
posted by jenh at 6:29 PM on April 25, 2006

Disco Duck
by Rick Dees
posted by clh at 6:35 PM on April 25, 2006

Chumbawumba - Tubthumping
posted by dflemingdotorg at 6:38 PM on April 25, 2006

You have to tell us what you ended up choosing for your list! Just because I read this, I've got some pretty awful songs running through my head now...

Physical by Olivia Newton John. Worst No. 1 hit single ever.

A song that's being played over and over and over in Japan right now that's driving me nuts is James Blunt's "You're Beautiful." The first time I heard it, it was okay. After the nth time, ugh. What a sappy song.
posted by misozaki at 6:47 PM on April 25, 2006

"Bloody Bess" by Karla Davito.
Listen here.
posted by Biblio at 6:49 PM on April 25, 2006

"Run Joey Run," David Geddes

"Do Ya Think I'm Sexy," Rod Stewart

"One Tin Soldier" (from the fine film Billy Jack), Original Caste

"Make It With You," Bread
posted by GrammarMoses at 6:57 PM on April 25, 2006

Wow, out come the hipsters and the haters. I've tried to overcome my musical snobbery over the years, which has caused me to enjoy some stuff which would otherwise be looked-down-the-nose at.

Personally, I can't stand the VH1/MTV/MM/MMM listmaking, which is really just lazy programming. This week! Best songs by artists who used to do crack but are over it and who might relapse! Only here!

Please.

The songs named on that USA Today list aren't the worst songs ever, or even close. They were all big hits. So, really, this is an alternatively subjective list of a list of songs that some people don't like. It's totally, completely pointless.

I happen to really like 'Like a Rolling Stone'. I hate, hate, hate lots of stuff that it's cool to like - I want to crush the stereo when anything by Leonard Cohen comes on. Can't listen to it. Velvet Underground? HATE Lou Reed's voice. Hate it. I want to scrape my brain out when I hear Tori Amos sing.

So there.
posted by jimmythefish at 7:18 PM on April 25, 2006

discokitty, I can top your nomination of "The Final Countdown"--how about a screaming death metal version of "The Final Countdown" by Children of Bodom?

The only other thing that comes close is Rolf Harris's renditon of "I Touch Myself".
posted by eilatan at 7:23 PM on April 25, 2006

Hmm. Timothy. A song by Rupert Holmes. About a mining disaster. And cannibalism. Which incredibly got a lot of air play when I was just a lad.
posted by SPrintF at 7:27 PM on April 25, 2006

But if it's a contest, my vote goes to 'Unbelievable' by EMF. When that comes on I curse my birth.
posted by jimmythefish at 7:27 PM on April 25, 2006

Anything by Stefan Dennis. On closer inspection it seems he only had one release. Which is something to thank him for.
The rest of the Stock, Aitken and Waterman stable is pretty awful, in a pop music formula kind of way.

Worst song is subjective. Are we talking most poorly executed, weakest lyrics, out of tune, badly produced, or songs I don't like much?

The Happy Flowers made an art of producing out of tune songs. They rocked *devil sign*. How can you not like music made by Mr Anus and Mr Horriblycharredinfant?
posted by asok at 7:28 PM on April 25, 2006

Personally, I LOVE Timothy - because - cannibalism on AM radio?

I can't believe no one mentioned:

Afternoon Delight
Popsicle Toes
Midnight at the Oasis
Hey there lonely girl
Seasons in the sun

Five of the worst songs to ever get airplay. Ever.
posted by clarkstonian at 7:43 PM on April 25, 2006

Hmm, there are tons of choices, but I'd put "Don't Worry, Be Happy" on the list as a non-obvious obvious choice.
posted by JMOZ at 7:47 PM on April 25, 2006

Some more :

Nothing Compares to You (Sinade O' Connor)
Hold On (Wilson Phillps)
I Saw the Sing (Ace of Base)
Knockin' on Heaven's Door (Bob Dylan)
posted by Afroblanco at 8:01 PM on April 25, 2006

I strongly second Limp Bizkit's "Nookie." In fact, I'd say pretty much anything by Limp Bizkit qualifies, but then, I regard Limp Bizkit as pretty much the worst band of any kind ever.

Going into more deservedly obscure fare, there's the "Ballad of Bilbo Baggins" by Leonard Nimoy, which manages the winning trick of being both really, really catchy and really, really annoying. The lyrics are actually quite true to the book. As a Tolkien fan, I am offended by this. You can view the video for it here.

You also might want check out this Metafilter post, which links to some MP3s that are full of potential choices for this contest, though some of it might go too far into Revolution #9 territory. The ensuing discussion also names a bunch of potentially worthwhile candidates. There's also this site.
posted by a louis wain cat at 8:05 PM on April 25, 2006

You're all wrong. Because of SCIENCE.

Vitaly Komar and Alex Melamid, working with Dave Soldier, issued a CD in the late 90s called 'The People's Choice Music'. It's based on the results of a survey conducted by the Dia Arts Center in New York, about what people wanted and didn't want to hear in a song.

The result contains two items: 'The Most Wanted Song', a 5-minute composition that "will be unavoidably and uncontrollably liked by 72% (plus or minus 12%) of listeners", and a 21-minute song called 'The Most Unwanted Song'. And they're not kidding.

To quote from the website: "The most unwanted music... veers wildly between loud and quiet sections, between fast and slow tempos, and features timbres of extremely high and low pitch, with each dichotomy presented in abrupt transition. The most unwanted orchestra was determined to be large, and features the accordion and bagpipe (which tie at 13% as the most unwanted instrument), banjo, flute, tuba, harp, organ, synthesizer (the only instrument that appears in both the most wanted and most unwanted ensembles). An operatic soprano raps and sings atonal music, advertising jingles, political slogans, and “elevator” music, and a children's choir sings jingles and holiday songs. The most unwanted subjects for lyrics are cowboys and holidays, and the most unwanted listening circumstances are involuntary exposure to commericals and elevator music. Therefore, it can be shown that if there is no covariance—someone who dislikes bagpipes is as likely to hate elevator music as someone who despises the organ, for example—fewer than 200 individuals of the world's total population would enjoy this piece."
posted by Hogshead at 8:08 PM on April 25, 2006

"Let the Eagle Soar" - John Ashcroft
"Keep your hands to yourself" - Georgia Satellites
"Cotton-eyed Joe" - I don't know, nor do I want to.
posted by Mr. Gunn at 8:08 PM on April 25, 2006

For crap lyrics, you can't beat Abracadabra by Steve Miller. Sample: "I feel the magic in your caress/I feel magic when I touch your dress."
posted by peep at 8:09 PM on April 25, 2006

if you want terrible, try the entire repertoire of artists such as:
- Milli Vanilli (Girl you know it's true, Don't forget my number)
- Debbie Gibson (Electric Youth)
- Rick Astley (Never Gonna Give You Up)
- Lionel Ritchie (Hello)
- Tiffani (that awful cover of I Think We're Alone Now)
- Paula Abdul (Straight Up)
posted by crazycanuck at 8:11 PM on April 25, 2006

Number one hits have long been mostly slick, corporate products of committee. They're almost always produced and performed by more-or-less competent professionals. The single's usually the song that somebody thought was the best, or at least the most potentially-successful, song on the album. And so, not surprisingly, many of your big hit pop numbers are really, really bad.

But not nearly bad enough. If you limit yourself to the stuff from the VH1 or USA Today lists (no offense), you're missing out on whole orders of bad-song magnitude. There's a whole world of songs recorded by people who barely know how to play their instruments, or write a song, or sing a note; answer songs performed by no-name incompetents, and cover songs from folks who don't even know the original; cult members and backwater evangelists and propagandists and schoolchildren; people who are illiterate, incoherent, insane, sometimes all of the above.

The above sentence kinda got away from me, but you get the drift. The worst songs ever recorded are obscure. Golden Throats, April Winchell, Dr. Demento, the snotty clerks at the local indie record store and the vinyl racks at your local Salvation Army are all good places to start.
posted by box at 8:51 PM on April 25, 2006

"ballad of the green berets" by ssgt barry sadler ... although the b side to that manages to be worse
posted by pyramid termite at 9:13 PM on April 25, 2006

Centipede (YouTube video) - Rebbie Jackson (the other Jackson sister. No, not that one, the other other one).

The chorus:
Like a centipede that's hot
The fire is in your touch
Just like a centipede you've got
A lot of lovin' to touch

QED
posted by TimeFactor at 9:13 PM on April 25, 2006

he didn't have your normal rock star biography by any means
posted by pyramid termite at 9:16 PM on April 25, 2006

Hogshead - that "most unwanted" music sounds fantastic!

My most loathed songs are usually of the novelty variety:

Witch Doctor
Crazy Frog

And, of course, Definitely Maybe. All of it. Seriously, look at those lyrics...

Disclaimer, though: I am a musical snob. Sorry.

Oh: The Timewarp.
posted by Jon Mitchell at 9:35 PM on April 25, 2006

What does it say about me that I actually like most of the songs that people are nominating? I'm not the only one -- my roommate and many of my friends would agree.

You want a song that actually bad? You want Pink Floyd's "Several Species Of Small Furry Animals Gathered Together In A Cave And Grooving With A Pict." You can barely even call it a song.

How about Peter Gabriel's "Shock the Monkey"?

And this one's a holiday song, but it's so bad... Keith Harling's "Santa's Got a Semi."
posted by CrayDrygu at 9:43 PM on April 25, 2006

I'm going to have to go with Hulkster in Heaven.
posted by nuclear_soup at 9:50 PM on April 25, 2006

Well, she may not have written them, but once Mrs. Miller sings a song she makes it hers for forever.
posted by The Bishop of Turkey at 10:10 PM on April 25, 2006

"my pal foot foot" (MP3) by the shaggs?

I was going to suggest that. It wins hands down in my book.
posted by musicinmybrain at 10:43 PM on April 25, 2006

Thanks for the overwhelming response. I don't really know what to do other than start listening to the suggestions (I've only heard of about 1/2 of them). I have a lot of homework to do if I want to win this contest.
posted by |n$eCur3 at 10:52 PM on April 25, 2006

Shaddup You Face - Joe Dolce
posted by pompomtom at 10:58 PM on April 25, 2006

I'll update this weekend to let you know my choices. I can even publish the bracket (but it will take a while for the contest to end).
posted by |n$eCur3 at 11:09 PM on April 25, 2006

Couldn't you just record yourself singing really poorly at the top of your lungs for about 3 hours and then do this 8 times? I guess you'd want something that was actually put out by someone and is available in retail?

'It's a Small World After All' maybe?
posted by ODiV at 11:12 PM on April 25, 2006

"Christmas Don't Be Late" (Alvin & the Chipmunks)
"La Bamba" (Ritchie Valens)
"Mambo No. 5" (Lou Bega)
posted by rob511 at 11:40 PM on April 25, 2006

An oft-overlooked gold mine of horrible songs comes from the Eurodance revolution of the early and mid-90s. For example, there's Sin With Sebastian's "Shut Up (And Sleep With Me)," Eiffel 65's "I'm Blue (Da Ba Dee)" or anything by Captain Jack.

I feel kind of bad adding that last one, as apparently the poor Captain died of a brain hemmorhage.
posted by chrominance at 12:06 AM on April 26, 2006

"Itsy-Bitsy-Teeny-Weenie-Yellow-Polka-Dot-Bikini" anyone? For giving the world the worst cover of an already atrocious song, Timmy Mallet ought to be in-humanely killed. By a group of 2 year olds. With a baseball bats.

What about "We all Stand Together" and "Pipes of Peace" by one of those guys who used to be in the Beatles? They're both feckin craptastic!

Also, I see no metion of the King of Crap and convicted kiddie fiddler Jonathan King either. Una Paloma Blanca anyone?
posted by davehat at 12:19 AM on April 26, 2006

Shania Twain - That Don't Impress Me Much (also a prime contender for the "worst song to have sex to" award)

Carla Lane - The Animal Song
posted by bifter at 3:07 AM on April 26, 2006

Kung Fu Fighting by Carl Douglas

They were funky China men from funky Chinatown
They were chopping them up and they were chopping them down
It's an ancient Chineese art and everybody knew their part
From a feint into a slip, and kicking from the hip

Everybody was kung-fu fighting
Those cats were fast as lightning
In fact it was a little bit frightning
But they fought with expert timing
posted by auntbunny at 4:06 AM on April 26, 2006

"Rasputin" by Boney M features the most slack-jawed drooling retard of a lyric in all recorded history:

RA RA RASPUTIN

Lover of the Russian queen

There was a cat that really was gone

(More)
Boney M also did a fabulous cheery hand-clapping cover of "No Woman No Cry" which is great at parties.
posted by Pericles at 4:45 AM on April 26, 2006

Leonard Nimoy's cover of Proud Mary gets my vote. It's on Golden Throats too, IIRC.
posted by flabdablet at 4:46 AM on April 26, 2006

You're going to have to decide whether winning this will involve playing top 40 hits that are universally recognized but that people are tired of or really, really bad songs, the kind that clear a room. I'd be inclined to go for the latter. To that end:

If you're going to do "Don't Worry, Be Happy," you have to follow it up with 4 Non Blondes' "What's Up." The effect will be squared, possibly cubed.

I have it on good authority that Wings' "Cook of the House" is an atrocity.

Morris Albert: Feelings
Mike Reno & Ann Wilson: Almost Paradise
Denise Nightingale: Lead Me On
Matthew Wilder's Break My Stride
Mark Dinning: Teen Angel

If you do "Timothy," also do Gilbert O'Sullivan's Clair, which is about incest.

I don't care how many people say everyone secretly loves this song, I hate it: Foreigner's "I Want To Know What Love Is"

Dionne Warwick & Friends: That's What Friends Are For
Lionel Richie: Hello
Paula Abdul: Vibeology
Trashmen: Surfin' Bird
Tom Petty: Into the Great Wide Open
Suicide's Frankie Teardrop
Singing Nun: Dominique
Sheriff's When I'm With You
Righteous Brothers: Rock and Roll Heaven

Napoleon XIV "They're Coming To Take Me Away, Ha-Haaa!" and its even worse b-side, which is just the single in reverse.

Diary of an Unborn Child

A suite of Jim Steinman songs:
Making Love Out of Nothing At All (Air Supply)
It's All Coming Back To Me Now (Celine Dion)
Total Eclipse of the heart (Bonnie Tyler)
Holding Out for a Hero (Bonnie Tyler)
I'd Do Anything For Love (But I Won't Do That) (Meat Loaf)

I would probably end with Rhoda Dakar's "The Boiler," a song written to be heard only once!
posted by kimota at 7:06 AM on April 26, 2006

Oh, and Neil Diamond's "Headed For The Future"
posted by kimota at 7:14 AM on April 26, 2006

Last but not least :

Lump (Presidents of the USA)
posted by Afroblanco at 7:15 AM on April 26, 2006

Paul McCartney's Freedom.

"Anyone tries to take it away
They'll have to answer
'Cause this is my right"

Arrrgh!
posted by Neiltupper at 9:50 AM on April 26, 2006

Paul McCartney's Freedom.

As Mark Steel said "proof that the Beatles are dying in the opposite order from what they should have."
posted by PinkStainlessTail at 10:46 AM on April 26, 2006

Coincidentally enough, there's a cnn.com article today titled "The worst song of all time, part II", as "CNN.com users pick their (least) favorites".

5. "Seasons in the Sun," Terry Jacks (No. 1 for three weeks, 1974): "A melody you couldn't play for your dog combined with inane lyrics" (Chris K.); "An all-time piece of dreck" (Darrell); "Having to listen to it is a season in hell" (Bonnie D.).

4. "I've Never Been to Me," Charlene (No. 3, 1982): "I want to punch out my radio when it comes on the air" (Larry W.); "Even the mush department at Hallmark would puke" (Eric and Linda); "I'm thinking that in her case, 'Me' probably wasn't such a fun place to go to" (Brenda K.).

3. "You Light Up My Life," Debby Boone (No. 1 for 10 weeks, 1977): "How can anything so insipidly slow light up anything?" (Bob B.); "[It] sounded like it was thrown together on a rainy afternoon by a lovestruck adolescent" (Jan R.); "The musical equivalent of being keel-hauled" (Michael R.).

2. "Muskrat Love," The Captain and Tennille (No. 4, 1976): "A song about aquatic rodents doin' the wild thing? Eeeeeew!" (Garland E.); "The name says it all" (Stacy D.); "I would pay good money to have its lyrics, tune, and even the fact of its existence erased from my memory" (Dave C.).

And the No. 1 worst song as voted on by CNN.com users:

1. "(You're) Having My Baby," Paul Anka (No. 1 for three weeks, 1974): It wasn't even close; Anka's hit beat out "Muskrat" by more than 50 votes, a veritable landslide under the circumstances. As our correspondents raved: "How can a person not be annoyed by lyrics like, 'You're a woman in love and I love what it's doin' to ya'?" (Shauna M.); " 'What a lovely way of sayin' how much you love me' -- If that isn't the most egocentric solipsistic revolting line of all time" (Stu S. and Andi S.); "I don't know a woman alive who doesn't cringe when it comes on the radio. I'm sure it's banned in most countries around the world" (Gord P.).
posted by inigo2 at 11:05 AM on April 26, 2006

I sincerely hope you'll be putting this bracket online and posting that fucker to Projects. I wanna see this in action.
posted by nebulawindphone at 12:49 PM on April 26, 2006

Oh come on, Aqua rocks.

I'd say check out the novelty "hits" that hit #1 on the UK charts - the most random songs make it on there (I remember one of my Girl Guide songs was a hit!) .

How about The Cheeky Girls?
posted by divabat at 2:52 PM on April 26, 2006

Oh, also anything by Daze. Wannabe Aqua clone that completely failed at life.
posted by divabat at 2:53 PM on April 26, 2006

There's a dance remix of Kate Bush covering Elton John's "Candle in the Wind" that I think has your name on it.
posted by anildash at 4:41 PM on April 26, 2006