Ways to accept loss and not be incapacitated by regret?
January 25, 2023 7:17 AM Subscribe
It's sort of a question without an answer but I wonder if people might have insights anyway. I ended a long relationship probably 4-5 years later than I should have and I'm at times consumed with regret.
It wasn't a terrible relationship. Basic things like trust and support were there, but it was never going to work for the very long term and I'm distraught about not having seen it and gotten on with my life while I could have resumed dating as a 45 year old rather than a 50 year old, and things like that. (Could have moved in a very different housing market as weird a thing as that is to be thinking about.)
I've spent sleepless hours thinking about when I should have known and called it, when it was last a consistently pretty happy relationship in which there was good cause for optimism about the future. Generally what I come up with is 2018. A lot of what came after that was, to borrow a metaphor, like squinting at a Magic Eye poster because sometimes you'd see a beautiful picture. I wish I'd realized earlier I was tired of squinting.
Any ideas about accepting that time has been lost? Things that have helped you with regret?
It wasn't a terrible relationship. Basic things like trust and support were there, but it was never going to work for the very long term and I'm distraught about not having seen it and gotten on with my life while I could have resumed dating as a 45 year old rather than a 50 year old, and things like that. (Could have moved in a very different housing market as weird a thing as that is to be thinking about.)
I've spent sleepless hours thinking about when I should have known and called it, when it was last a consistently pretty happy relationship in which there was good cause for optimism about the future. Generally what I come up with is 2018. A lot of what came after that was, to borrow a metaphor, like squinting at a Magic Eye poster because sometimes you'd see a beautiful picture. I wish I'd realized earlier I was tired of squinting.
Any ideas about accepting that time has been lost? Things that have helped you with regret?
Best answer: The only framing that's helped me with this, but it helped a LOT, goes kind of like this:
How hard do you have to fret over your past choices in order to reverse time so that you can do things differently?
Oh, no amount of fretting will do that?
Well then what's the point of making yourself miserable?
The world only spins forward, as Prior Walter said. You can live the life your choices made and get on with it, or you can live the life your choices made and be consumed with regret, but no amount of regret will give you the capacity to change anything in the past, so really the only difference is how much of your life you spend being angry at yourself. And frankly, that anger hampers your ability to change anything in the future, too, because you're ruminating over past "mistakes" instead of learning from them.
(I use the quotes because honestly, if you're the kind of person who's prone to this—no judgment, I am too—then if you hadn't made these choices you regret, you probably would have made different choices you regret. The regret is free-floating. It might help to seek out stories where people get to see parallel lives or reverse past decisions, since the upshot of these is almost always that something not much better or substantially worse happens when the "wrong" decision is averted!)
posted by babelfish at 7:33 AM on January 25, 2023 [28 favorites]
How hard do you have to fret over your past choices in order to reverse time so that you can do things differently?
Oh, no amount of fretting will do that?
Well then what's the point of making yourself miserable?
The world only spins forward, as Prior Walter said. You can live the life your choices made and get on with it, or you can live the life your choices made and be consumed with regret, but no amount of regret will give you the capacity to change anything in the past, so really the only difference is how much of your life you spend being angry at yourself. And frankly, that anger hampers your ability to change anything in the future, too, because you're ruminating over past "mistakes" instead of learning from them.
(I use the quotes because honestly, if you're the kind of person who's prone to this—no judgment, I am too—then if you hadn't made these choices you regret, you probably would have made different choices you regret. The regret is free-floating. It might help to seek out stories where people get to see parallel lives or reverse past decisions, since the upshot of these is almost always that something not much better or substantially worse happens when the "wrong" decision is averted!)
posted by babelfish at 7:33 AM on January 25, 2023 [28 favorites]
Are you going to let the next five years be haunted by the specter of the previous five, so that you don't take full advantage of them, either? Because that's easy enough to do, but then you're just paying interest on your possible error in judgment indefinitely.
posted by praemunire at 8:03 AM on January 25, 2023 [5 favorites]
posted by praemunire at 8:03 AM on January 25, 2023 [5 favorites]
My big regret-story is more education/career-related than relationship-related (though I have some of that too), but I've had similar feelings. I've coped by, once I figured out that I needed to make a change, making a change and just going for it. I definitely have moments of "wow, if I hadn't made those choices, would I be in the position of coworkers/friends I look at who have more money/career success/etc," but the reality is I made those choices, and all I can do now is make different/better choices for current/future-me. I try to stop myself from getting overly-focused on thoughts about what might have been, because there's nothing to be gained from that rumination.
posted by Alterscape at 8:16 AM on January 25, 2023 [1 favorite]
posted by Alterscape at 8:16 AM on January 25, 2023 [1 favorite]
Time has been lost. The loss is real. The pain over that loss is compounded by the thought that it was (possibly) in your power to avert some significant part of that loss by making different choices. You may just have to get through a grieving process to come to terms with that loss and accept it. And the grief process can be very different for different people.
As far as ruminating on the past, and thinking about what you could have done differently: it's not just that there's nothing you can do about it now; it is also that the version of you dealing with life in that moment could only know what you knew then; that person had only the resources and life experiences available to them at that time. It is far too easy in retrospect to ascribe to that past version of yourself things that you "should" have known or "could" have known. Try to have some compassion for your past self. You did what you did, and, really, what else were you apt to do under the circumstances? You might as well wish to be a completely different person. (For me, the impossibility of that wish feels even more absurd than the impossibility of changing my past choices, and helps put some things in perspective.)
posted by fikri at 8:17 AM on January 25, 2023 [8 favorites]
As far as ruminating on the past, and thinking about what you could have done differently: it's not just that there's nothing you can do about it now; it is also that the version of you dealing with life in that moment could only know what you knew then; that person had only the resources and life experiences available to them at that time. It is far too easy in retrospect to ascribe to that past version of yourself things that you "should" have known or "could" have known. Try to have some compassion for your past self. You did what you did, and, really, what else were you apt to do under the circumstances? You might as well wish to be a completely different person. (For me, the impossibility of that wish feels even more absurd than the impossibility of changing my past choices, and helps put some things in perspective.)
posted by fikri at 8:17 AM on January 25, 2023 [8 favorites]
It might be helpful for you to give some thought as to why you stayed in the relationship so long even though you knew it should end. It sounds like the story you’re telling yourself only includes negative reasons for staying. Even if many of your reasons were negative, I’ll bet with some examination you’ll be able to identify a few positive reasons that show you what your values are in relationships.
A lot of people stay in relationships that they feel they should leave because of the stability and comfort those relationships provide. I’m not saying those were the reasons in your case, only you know that, but those are common ones. What if you created a new more positive story for why you stayed, using your reasons? “I stayed in that relationship because it provided me with stability which I now know is important to me.”
Stability (or whatever your specific reasons are) is a totally healthy thing to want in life! You can certainly take it too far, but there’s nothing wrong with wanting that. Knowing why you stayed and what it is you value to you may let you find healthier ways of meeting those needs moving forward while also helping you be more understanding towards your past self.
posted by scantee at 8:27 AM on January 25, 2023 [4 favorites]
A lot of people stay in relationships that they feel they should leave because of the stability and comfort those relationships provide. I’m not saying those were the reasons in your case, only you know that, but those are common ones. What if you created a new more positive story for why you stayed, using your reasons? “I stayed in that relationship because it provided me with stability which I now know is important to me.”
Stability (or whatever your specific reasons are) is a totally healthy thing to want in life! You can certainly take it too far, but there’s nothing wrong with wanting that. Knowing why you stayed and what it is you value to you may let you find healthier ways of meeting those needs moving forward while also helping you be more understanding towards your past self.
posted by scantee at 8:27 AM on January 25, 2023 [4 favorites]
I found that rumination was also a symptom of anxiety. Here's two action items to consider: talk to your doctor. If you're not already taking something for depression or anxiety, that might be something to consider. Does not have to be long term. I'm a little younger than you but I found that hormonal changes in perimenopause and approaching menopause has made anxiety, rumination and perseveration more apparent and hard to control with standard techniques of self-care that often get suggested. It could be a two-pronged issue: first, you have real loss and grief that you are processing. That is real. It happened. It hurts. Second, you may be having a more difficult time getting over it and beyond it due to physical issues. The key here with your doctor is to say that this is affecting your life. It is affecting your life!
Second action item, if you can find a therapist who works in mindfulness, that might be a good approach. It's okay to dip into therapy when things get tough. I was skeptical of the "mindfulness" approach but it's an interesting modality which, at least for me, allowed me to get that anxiety and perseveration out into the open where it could be addressed. Getting into how the anxiety and rumination was manifesting all over my body was actually really helpful in finding ways to release that internal knot and allow a little more space in my life for other things. I had some longer term trauma to work though but I think your loss and overwhelming sense of grief and anger is worth exploring and bringing up in a supportive way.
But also, medication is currently really making a difference in my life after years of trying to talk my way out of it, work my way out of it, meditate and walk-in-the-forest way out of it. I had an internal bias as well and some fear that I'd lose myself. I can still call up my anxiety and emotions about my trauma but medication is giving me a valuable tool to functionally address this so that I can live a better life.
posted by amanda at 8:28 AM on January 25, 2023 [3 favorites]
Second action item, if you can find a therapist who works in mindfulness, that might be a good approach. It's okay to dip into therapy when things get tough. I was skeptical of the "mindfulness" approach but it's an interesting modality which, at least for me, allowed me to get that anxiety and perseveration out into the open where it could be addressed. Getting into how the anxiety and rumination was manifesting all over my body was actually really helpful in finding ways to release that internal knot and allow a little more space in my life for other things. I had some longer term trauma to work though but I think your loss and overwhelming sense of grief and anger is worth exploring and bringing up in a supportive way.
But also, medication is currently really making a difference in my life after years of trying to talk my way out of it, work my way out of it, meditate and walk-in-the-forest way out of it. I had an internal bias as well and some fear that I'd lose myself. I can still call up my anxiety and emotions about my trauma but medication is giving me a valuable tool to functionally address this so that I can live a better life.
posted by amanda at 8:28 AM on January 25, 2023 [3 favorites]
It is often helpful for me to mentally visit that other version of myself as if they were a friend.
I would talk to my friend about how lonely she was during covid isolation, being single. I would talk to this friend about the rising cost of everything and how that was harder to weather on one income than two. I compliment my friend on how nice they've made their apartment and how I hope to do similar once I've been on my own for longer.
Essentially, I like to spend some time in the headspace of my alternate life, and think through the highs and the lows. It's still ruminating to a degree, but it brings me a lot of relief and allows me to move on more than questioning what 5 years ago me did or did not do.
posted by Narrow Harbor at 8:33 AM on January 25, 2023 [10 favorites]
I would talk to my friend about how lonely she was during covid isolation, being single. I would talk to this friend about the rising cost of everything and how that was harder to weather on one income than two. I compliment my friend on how nice they've made their apartment and how I hope to do similar once I've been on my own for longer.
Essentially, I like to spend some time in the headspace of my alternate life, and think through the highs and the lows. It's still ruminating to a degree, but it brings me a lot of relief and allows me to move on more than questioning what 5 years ago me did or did not do.
posted by Narrow Harbor at 8:33 AM on January 25, 2023 [10 favorites]
Oooh this is pretty much my situation and onebyone's advice is what I've been doing, which has been working well enough for me to maintain sobriety and consider getting back on the relationship train.
posted by infinitewindow at 8:39 AM on January 25, 2023
posted by infinitewindow at 8:39 AM on January 25, 2023
You're framing it wrong. You regret not ending it in 2018, when it was by your own admission a good, happy relationship? Why would you end a relationship like that? You wouldn't, of course. People don't end relationships when things are going well. (Or at least if they do, they're consumed by a different kind of regret.) They end relationships quite a while after things have started going downhill, because they have to confirm that the downhill turn is permanent and not just a bump. Even bumps can last for months; you have to give it time to figure out what's going on. So you wouldn't have ended the relationship in 2018, and you probably wouldn't have ended it in 2019, either. 2020 was 2020, so even if you'd ended it then, you wouldn't have been dating or moving to a different housing market. Vaccines weren't widely available until mid-2021, so at least the first half of that year, you weren't missing anything either. Maybe even longer. So really, at most, you've lost a year and a half. That's not nothing, but it's not five years, either. It's the difference between dating at 50 and dating at 48, which is to say, hardly any difference.
What I think is going on is that you're idealizing that could-have-been version of yourself because you're dissatisfied with your actually-was self. Maybe you're mad at yourself for not spotting red flags sooner. Maybe you wish you were more decisive. If I'm right, it's worth figuring out exactly what you're so unhappy about. Could-have-been you would still have a lot of the same flaws.
This is why making mistakes is part of growing. You learn why you made the mistake so that you don't make it again. The comparison isn't between actual-2018-to-2023 you and could-have-been you. It's between current you and future you. If current you spends all this time dwelling on what happened in 2018, future you is going to be mad that you wasted 2023.
posted by kevinbelt at 9:40 AM on January 25, 2023 [8 favorites]
What I think is going on is that you're idealizing that could-have-been version of yourself because you're dissatisfied with your actually-was self. Maybe you're mad at yourself for not spotting red flags sooner. Maybe you wish you were more decisive. If I'm right, it's worth figuring out exactly what you're so unhappy about. Could-have-been you would still have a lot of the same flaws.
This is why making mistakes is part of growing. You learn why you made the mistake so that you don't make it again. The comparison isn't between actual-2018-to-2023 you and could-have-been you. It's between current you and future you. If current you spends all this time dwelling on what happened in 2018, future you is going to be mad that you wasted 2023.
posted by kevinbelt at 9:40 AM on January 25, 2023 [8 favorites]
"The best time to plant a tree is 20 years ago.
The second-best time is today."
The second-best time to do anything is today. And second best is pretty damn good!
posted by Tomorrowful at 9:59 AM on January 25, 2023 [3 favorites]
The second-best time is today."
The second-best time to do anything is today. And second best is pretty damn good!
posted by Tomorrowful at 9:59 AM on January 25, 2023 [3 favorites]
I’m sorry you’re struggling with this right now. You’ve been such compassionate and wise advice, and I hope it’s what you’re looking for!
I know from recent posts that you’re at a huge crossroads in your life: changing your job, location, relationship; starting therapy; reflecting on the recent and far past. I remember being in your shoes five years ago and wishing I were done with all the hard changes and emotional stress that comes with them. When you’re in the middle of change, it’s hard not to see things you could have done before that could have made your present situation easier or better. But we weren’t ready at the time and we are now, and that’s ok! Perhaps we could have changed things earlier and our lives would better better but not necessarily. Grieving is hard and can come with regrets; too much rumination can be hard and even unhealthy. However, some reflection, acknowledgement of the crap and sadness that we didn’t act sooner, actually can help us make positive changes and also not revert to old ways, like returning to a relationship that wasn’t bad but also not good enough. I think therapy is always a good go-to. So is time, recognizing that change is often slow or even when it’s fast, it can take longer for our emotions to process and find peace. But it’s in store for you and I believe strongly that in a few years you will be able to look back with compassion and live in the present with joy!
Also, 50 is not old — it’s a great age to be! And the right person will feel so lucky and glad to meet the YOU of right now, not the 45 or 35 or even 49 year old you. And that’s really cool, something to even look forward to — it’s ok not to be ready yet but there is good stuff coming your way!
posted by smorgasbord at 10:20 AM on January 25, 2023 [1 favorite]
I know from recent posts that you’re at a huge crossroads in your life: changing your job, location, relationship; starting therapy; reflecting on the recent and far past. I remember being in your shoes five years ago and wishing I were done with all the hard changes and emotional stress that comes with them. When you’re in the middle of change, it’s hard not to see things you could have done before that could have made your present situation easier or better. But we weren’t ready at the time and we are now, and that’s ok! Perhaps we could have changed things earlier and our lives would better better but not necessarily. Grieving is hard and can come with regrets; too much rumination can be hard and even unhealthy. However, some reflection, acknowledgement of the crap and sadness that we didn’t act sooner, actually can help us make positive changes and also not revert to old ways, like returning to a relationship that wasn’t bad but also not good enough. I think therapy is always a good go-to. So is time, recognizing that change is often slow or even when it’s fast, it can take longer for our emotions to process and find peace. But it’s in store for you and I believe strongly that in a few years you will be able to look back with compassion and live in the present with joy!
Also, 50 is not old — it’s a great age to be! And the right person will feel so lucky and glad to meet the YOU of right now, not the 45 or 35 or even 49 year old you. And that’s really cool, something to even look forward to — it’s ok not to be ready yet but there is good stuff coming your way!
posted by smorgasbord at 10:20 AM on January 25, 2023 [1 favorite]
That if/then, "choose your own adventure" thinking is so seductive, but the truth is, life isn't structured that way. You stayed because that's what you needed at the time, or that's what you were capable of at the time. When you were able to move on, you did. And you learned all sorts of things, which wouldn't have happened otherwise.
Think of it more like building muscle or developing a skill - when you don't have a certain capacity, you just - don't. There's no way of knowing what other forces could have blocked you or redirected you from those other things you didn't do.
posted by Ink-stained wretch at 10:36 AM on January 25, 2023 [2 favorites]
Think of it more like building muscle or developing a skill - when you don't have a certain capacity, you just - don't. There's no way of knowing what other forces could have blocked you or redirected you from those other things you didn't do.
posted by Ink-stained wretch at 10:36 AM on January 25, 2023 [2 favorites]
Is some of this related to turning-50 anxiety and aging anxiety? And the stress of dating at age 50? I ask as a 49 year old person who knows that these milestone birthdays can cause us to do all sorts of ruminating we don't realize are connected to our milestone birthdays. Also, dating at this age is just fine! Not all that different from 45, really.
A friend of mine once said, "Should is a dangerous word," and I probably repeat that once a month if not more, if I find myself wallowing. You didn't end the relationship five years ago because you weren't ready to end the relationship then -- and we know that, because if you were, you would have ended it. And then perhaps you would have had other regrets, like wondering if you didn't try hard enough or give it enough time. It wouldn't be a great relationship approach to pull the plug because of a lackluster month or two or three, right?
What you have gained is the knowledge that you'll stick through some lackluster times to figure out if the relationship is ebbing and flowing, or just ebbing. Also, the last three years haven't exactly been a banner time for dating, you know? There are worse things than being in a stable, trusting, lackluster partnership during a truly bonkers pandemic. If you had uprooted your life right before that, you might have been lonely in a new place with fewer connections, wondering if you should have stuck out the relationship a bit longer.
My lasted-too-long relationship started when I was 26, and ended a handful of years ago. I have sometimes regretted not making different choices, but I also know that I didn't have the emotional resilience to do that then. I also know that I tried really hard to make it work and stick it out, and I didn't give up too soon. I also know that I ended the relationship feeling like I made decisions mostly with integrity. What that's meant for me is that I have been able to move forward with gusto, because I know for sure I tried to make it work.
So the thing is to move forward, with the understanding that the knowledge you gained about how you function in relationships is going to help you make different choices in the future. Savor this moment, you know? Live with intention and self-reflection and enjoy what you can. Rediscover the old parts of yourself you maybe left behind. Don't drag out the relationship another few years with regret. You can grieve and move forward.
posted by bluedaisy at 11:37 AM on January 25, 2023 [2 favorites]
A friend of mine once said, "Should is a dangerous word," and I probably repeat that once a month if not more, if I find myself wallowing. You didn't end the relationship five years ago because you weren't ready to end the relationship then -- and we know that, because if you were, you would have ended it. And then perhaps you would have had other regrets, like wondering if you didn't try hard enough or give it enough time. It wouldn't be a great relationship approach to pull the plug because of a lackluster month or two or three, right?
What you have gained is the knowledge that you'll stick through some lackluster times to figure out if the relationship is ebbing and flowing, or just ebbing. Also, the last three years haven't exactly been a banner time for dating, you know? There are worse things than being in a stable, trusting, lackluster partnership during a truly bonkers pandemic. If you had uprooted your life right before that, you might have been lonely in a new place with fewer connections, wondering if you should have stuck out the relationship a bit longer.
My lasted-too-long relationship started when I was 26, and ended a handful of years ago. I have sometimes regretted not making different choices, but I also know that I didn't have the emotional resilience to do that then. I also know that I tried really hard to make it work and stick it out, and I didn't give up too soon. I also know that I ended the relationship feeling like I made decisions mostly with integrity. What that's meant for me is that I have been able to move forward with gusto, because I know for sure I tried to make it work.
So the thing is to move forward, with the understanding that the knowledge you gained about how you function in relationships is going to help you make different choices in the future. Savor this moment, you know? Live with intention and self-reflection and enjoy what you can. Rediscover the old parts of yourself you maybe left behind. Don't drag out the relationship another few years with regret. You can grieve and move forward.
posted by bluedaisy at 11:37 AM on January 25, 2023 [2 favorites]
if you hadn't made these choices you regret, you probably would have made different choices you regret.
If this, from babelfish's excellent comment, resonates with you, you might enjoy The Midnight Library, by Matt Haig, which is very much along the same lines.
posted by penguin pie at 12:21 PM on January 25, 2023
If this, from babelfish's excellent comment, resonates with you, you might enjoy The Midnight Library, by Matt Haig, which is very much along the same lines.
posted by penguin pie at 12:21 PM on January 25, 2023
I've been there, and what I try to focus on is the good that came of those five years.
Did you create cool / fun / interesting / exciting / etc. memories with your ex-partner during that time? Did being in the relationship during those years allow you to do anything that you wouldn't have been able to do without a/your partner's support (e.g., going back to school, changing jobs, making some new friends, trying a hobby, etc.)?
If you start comparing the reality of what-happened to the dream of what-could-have-been, of course it might not look so great. But if you look back and focus on the good parts of your life then, it might not seem like such a waste after all.
posted by Robocat at 1:04 PM on January 25, 2023 [1 favorite]
Did you create cool / fun / interesting / exciting / etc. memories with your ex-partner during that time? Did being in the relationship during those years allow you to do anything that you wouldn't have been able to do without a/your partner's support (e.g., going back to school, changing jobs, making some new friends, trying a hobby, etc.)?
If you start comparing the reality of what-happened to the dream of what-could-have-been, of course it might not look so great. But if you look back and focus on the good parts of your life then, it might not seem like such a waste after all.
posted by Robocat at 1:04 PM on January 25, 2023 [1 favorite]
50-year-old divorcee here, stayed in the marriage 10-15 years longer than I shoulda. If "could have been worse" will help, you have my could-have-been-worse.
Possibly part of the answer is accepting a bit of stuckness for a while? I recently had an epiphany about dating and why I was trying to do it and whether I really want to do it... that took me literal actual months of frustration and occasional perseveration to reach. Sometimes my brain just takes a while with this stuff, but I generally trust it to get where it's going if I give it enough time and don't hassle it.
If the perseveration you're experiencing is super-distressing, this suggestion probably won't work for you, of course.
posted by humbug at 1:07 PM on January 25, 2023
Possibly part of the answer is accepting a bit of stuckness for a while? I recently had an epiphany about dating and why I was trying to do it and whether I really want to do it... that took me literal actual months of frustration and occasional perseveration to reach. Sometimes my brain just takes a while with this stuff, but I generally trust it to get where it's going if I give it enough time and don't hassle it.
If the perseveration you're experiencing is super-distressing, this suggestion probably won't work for you, of course.
posted by humbug at 1:07 PM on January 25, 2023
I am recently out of a 29-year relationship that I should have left five years earlier.
Over the New Year week, I got sucked into a podcast called A Little Bit Culty. It' s hosted by a married couple who were part of NXIVM, and then part of bringing it down. I can't recommend it unreservedly, but I binged the first 8 or 9 episodes, and they really spoke to me. Not that my partner was a narcissist or abuser; definitely not. But they bring on all these experts and former cult members to interview (often a guest is both), and they ask them, "What did you think you were getting into when you joined this?" and "What woke you up?" and "How is your healing going?"
They're a very forgiving bunch. They talk about how individuals in cults, or other abusive, high-demand relationships, have different breaking points, different moments when the need to leave becomes clear. It really helped me accept that my own psychology had been much the same: I was in a great relationship, until I wasn't any more, and I spent years thinking that if I could just get through to my partner, he'd change the behaviors that were making things unlivable for me, and doing harm to our children as well.
And then one evening, I was trapped in a mental soup of, "I have to leave, but I can't leave," and suddenly, only the first part of that statement was true. I had to leave, and I found a way, with so much compassionate help when I started reaching out to people about the reality of my situation.
That was my moment of waking up. It came when it came. It might have come earlier, but it didn't.
It took me almost a year to get into my own apartment, with my youngest child. We've been here about three months, and I've put a lot of effort into making it my own. Today, I came through the door and it felt like home for the first time.
My point was going to be: Your moment also came when it came. That's a great place to move forward from.
I'm 57. You and I both have a lot of life ahead of us.
posted by Well I never at 1:18 PM on January 25, 2023 [9 favorites]
Over the New Year week, I got sucked into a podcast called A Little Bit Culty. It' s hosted by a married couple who were part of NXIVM, and then part of bringing it down. I can't recommend it unreservedly, but I binged the first 8 or 9 episodes, and they really spoke to me. Not that my partner was a narcissist or abuser; definitely not. But they bring on all these experts and former cult members to interview (often a guest is both), and they ask them, "What did you think you were getting into when you joined this?" and "What woke you up?" and "How is your healing going?"
They're a very forgiving bunch. They talk about how individuals in cults, or other abusive, high-demand relationships, have different breaking points, different moments when the need to leave becomes clear. It really helped me accept that my own psychology had been much the same: I was in a great relationship, until I wasn't any more, and I spent years thinking that if I could just get through to my partner, he'd change the behaviors that were making things unlivable for me, and doing harm to our children as well.
And then one evening, I was trapped in a mental soup of, "I have to leave, but I can't leave," and suddenly, only the first part of that statement was true. I had to leave, and I found a way, with so much compassionate help when I started reaching out to people about the reality of my situation.
That was my moment of waking up. It came when it came. It might have come earlier, but it didn't.
It took me almost a year to get into my own apartment, with my youngest child. We've been here about three months, and I've put a lot of effort into making it my own. Today, I came through the door and it felt like home for the first time.
My point was going to be: Your moment also came when it came. That's a great place to move forward from.
I'm 57. You and I both have a lot of life ahead of us.
posted by Well I never at 1:18 PM on January 25, 2023 [9 favorites]
seek out stories where people get to see parallel lives
“Anxiety is the Dizziness of Freedom” by Ted Chiang
This Everything is Alive podcast episode with a grain of sand also has an ending with perspective about human choice
posted by eyeball at 2:05 PM on January 25, 2023
“Anxiety is the Dizziness of Freedom” by Ted Chiang
This Everything is Alive podcast episode with a grain of sand also has an ending with perspective about human choice
posted by eyeball at 2:05 PM on January 25, 2023
Regret is sometimes (often?) a kind of misrepresented gratitude. I say misrepresented because we have a distorted sense of experiences whose subjective tone and texture we experienced firsthand. Outside observers, who don't have these heartstrings to tug, can see the photographs without seeing the symbols and meanings that you derive from them. Outside observers can reflect on your situation—in which the narrator has found freedom from ambiguity—and reflect on their own ambiguous lives. They can think, oh my god I'm still squinting. They can think, less-of-course made it, by golly. Made it! A happy ending! A resolution! An ironed-out ambiguity, one that can be endlessly puzzled over, turned in the hand until it is worn smooth from examination but nevertheless there it is, a decision was made that, no matter how many nooks and crannies can open up under scrutiny and ruminating about, is very real. That's an exercise in agency. Will made living. Less-of-course made it, by golly.
Even though it may seem little comfort, you can be grateful if you choose: you made it.
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 3:03 PM on January 25, 2023 [1 favorite]
Even though it may seem little comfort, you can be grateful if you choose: you made it.
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 3:03 PM on January 25, 2023 [1 favorite]
I sure know this feeling. The idea that resonates with me the most is that, yes, maybe I would handle things differently if I had a time machine, but I don't. I try to forgive myself for how long it took me to act, and to remember to be grateful that I had the courage to act at all rather than stick with something pretty-okay for the rest of my life because I was too avoidant and afraid.
posted by ferret branca at 9:32 PM on January 26, 2023 [1 favorite]
posted by ferret branca at 9:32 PM on January 26, 2023 [1 favorite]
(PS: I often find myself thinking the world only spins forward, too! Maybe you should watch Angels.)
posted by ferret branca at 9:38 PM on January 26, 2023
posted by ferret branca at 9:38 PM on January 26, 2023
As someone who is also prone to ruminating on past regrets, I've found a couple of things really helpful:
- The serenity prayer is simple but I find it very powerful, although I use it more as a mantra than a prayer personally
(God) grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;
The courage to change the things I can;
And the wisdom to know the difference
- The 'No Lose Decision Making' tool that Susan Jeffers talks about in 'Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway' - basically the view that there is no 'right' or 'wrong' decision, but rather each path you choose will have it's own particular 'goodies' and challenges along the way.
posted by amerrydance at 8:03 AM on January 27, 2023
- The serenity prayer is simple but I find it very powerful, although I use it more as a mantra than a prayer personally
(God) grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;
The courage to change the things I can;
And the wisdom to know the difference
- The 'No Lose Decision Making' tool that Susan Jeffers talks about in 'Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway' - basically the view that there is no 'right' or 'wrong' decision, but rather each path you choose will have it's own particular 'goodies' and challenges along the way.
posted by amerrydance at 8:03 AM on January 27, 2023
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posted by onebyone at 7:27 AM on January 25, 2023 [7 favorites]