Books on recovering from childhood neglect
December 5, 2022 2:53 PM Subscribe
I am looking for books about dealing with the effects of childhood neglect in adulthood.
I have a therapist and we touch on this issue but are prioritizing something else right now. Of course, around the holidays a lot of feelings around this topic come up and I'd like to do a little processing through reading. Looking for both non-fiction and fiction (but--and I know this is an odd caveat--not if it's realistic fiction).
In particular I'm looking for books targeting people who had to learn to be adults as children. I'm NOT looking for books on parentification or where children were expected to take care of parents. I expect that to come up in most literature on the subject, but I didn't experience that and I'm more interested in writing about people who were simply ignored or considered inconvenient as children, and were expected to be responsible for their own physical and emotional needs at unrealistically young ages. I'm especially interested in books about dealing with being hypercompetent and the desire to be taken care of. I'm not sure if the inner child stuff would be relevant, I've generally thought of that as "woo" but I admit I don't know much about it.
I expect most of the books on this topic to be about emotional neglect, but I would appreciate some reading on physical (particularly medical) neglect as well. Articles are also welcome but I'm more interested in books.
I have a therapist and we touch on this issue but are prioritizing something else right now. Of course, around the holidays a lot of feelings around this topic come up and I'd like to do a little processing through reading. Looking for both non-fiction and fiction (but--and I know this is an odd caveat--not if it's realistic fiction).
In particular I'm looking for books targeting people who had to learn to be adults as children. I'm NOT looking for books on parentification or where children were expected to take care of parents. I expect that to come up in most literature on the subject, but I didn't experience that and I'm more interested in writing about people who were simply ignored or considered inconvenient as children, and were expected to be responsible for their own physical and emotional needs at unrealistically young ages. I'm especially interested in books about dealing with being hypercompetent and the desire to be taken care of. I'm not sure if the inner child stuff would be relevant, I've generally thought of that as "woo" but I admit I don't know much about it.
I expect most of the books on this topic to be about emotional neglect, but I would appreciate some reading on physical (particularly medical) neglect as well. Articles are also welcome but I'm more interested in books.
Agreed on The Drama of the Gifted Child.
Complex PTSD - From Surviving to Thriving, by Pete Walker
Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, by Lindsay Gibson
No Bad Parts: Healing Trauma and Restoring Wholeness, by Richard Schwartz
These all cover a range of trauma, including both emotional and physical neglect.
posted by Merricat Blackwood at 3:19 PM on December 5, 2022 [3 favorites]
Complex PTSD - From Surviving to Thriving, by Pete Walker
Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, by Lindsay Gibson
No Bad Parts: Healing Trauma and Restoring Wholeness, by Richard Schwartz
These all cover a range of trauma, including both emotional and physical neglect.
posted by Merricat Blackwood at 3:19 PM on December 5, 2022 [3 favorites]
That inner child stuff is great. Look up “internal family systems” for understanding how different parts of your ego system fight with each other. Open heartedly loving the parts that feel bad/wrong is SO healing.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 3:39 PM on December 5, 2022 [2 favorites]
posted by St. Peepsburg at 3:39 PM on December 5, 2022 [2 favorites]
I’ve been reading Sarah Polley’s memoir Run Towards the Danger and it goes into that theme. It isn’t an easy read, but might suit.
posted by warriorqueen at 3:56 PM on December 5, 2022 [2 favorites]
posted by warriorqueen at 3:56 PM on December 5, 2022 [2 favorites]
It’s geared toward therapists, but Emotional Neglect and the Adult in Therapy by Kathrin Stauffer is about the struggles adults may experience as a result of having been emotionally neglected as children.
posted by inkytea at 5:41 AM on December 6, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by inkytea at 5:41 AM on December 6, 2022 [1 favorite]
Dr. Jonice Webb has written a few books about Childhood Emotional Neglect that you may find interesting. She also has some online courses and other resources online (quiz, etc.).
posted by jabes at 8:15 AM on December 6, 2022
posted by jabes at 8:15 AM on December 6, 2022
Eggshell Therapy, especially the articles on overcontrol and childhood wounds. The author/therapist Imi Lo does have two books you can buy on Amazon but I found the writing on her website more useful.
Seconding Richard Schwartz / Internal Family Systems. IFS isn't woo at all, it's the most remarkable therapeutic tool I've ever used. Especially if you're a storyteller.
Healing the Fragmented Selves of Trauma Survivors by Janina Fisher
NICABM has courses you can buy and a great blog. It's intended for therapists but I've found the resources super useful as a client. Sometimes they do free webinars.
Work around insecure attachment styles and emotional regulation (look into DBT, trauma and somatic therapies?) may help. Sonny Jane wrote a neurodivergent-friendly DBT workbook that's quite handy. ND folk often need to adapt therapy styles to work better with our brains.
posted by lloquat at 1:46 PM on December 6, 2022 [4 favorites]
Seconding Richard Schwartz / Internal Family Systems. IFS isn't woo at all, it's the most remarkable therapeutic tool I've ever used. Especially if you're a storyteller.
Healing the Fragmented Selves of Trauma Survivors by Janina Fisher
NICABM has courses you can buy and a great blog. It's intended for therapists but I've found the resources super useful as a client. Sometimes they do free webinars.
Work around insecure attachment styles and emotional regulation (look into DBT, trauma and somatic therapies?) may help. Sonny Jane wrote a neurodivergent-friendly DBT workbook that's quite handy. ND folk often need to adapt therapy styles to work better with our brains.
posted by lloquat at 1:46 PM on December 6, 2022 [4 favorites]
You asked for fiction too, so I'll recommend Carry On and it's sequels by Rainbow Rowell. While there's a fair amount of neglect going on, I'm mostly thinking of Simon Snow's journey through the books and that you might connect with that too. He works through some of his neglect and also what he wants for his life, what he chooses for himself. (It's fantasy and the first book is set in a school for magic, if that helps with the realistic aspect.)
Another fantasy book you might like is In Other Lands by Sarah Rees Brennan. It's about an ignored child who finds a place for himself in a Narnia-like world. (Fair warning, he's a bit of an antihero because he didn't learn communication skills from his parents either.)
posted by blueberry monster at 2:57 PM on December 6, 2022 [1 favorite]
Another fantasy book you might like is In Other Lands by Sarah Rees Brennan. It's about an ignored child who finds a place for himself in a Narnia-like world. (Fair warning, he's a bit of an antihero because he didn't learn communication skills from his parents either.)
posted by blueberry monster at 2:57 PM on December 6, 2022 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Popping in to say thank you all for the suggestions so far, and I LOVED the Simon Snow series (and got annoyed at people who complained about 'nothing happening' in the second book when I saw a whole lot of trauma processing happening), so more suggestions like that are very welcome!
posted by brook horse at 5:10 PM on December 6, 2022
posted by brook horse at 5:10 PM on December 6, 2022
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posted by brainwane at 3:04 PM on December 5, 2022 [2 favorites]