feeling better about myself - how?

April 22, 2006 2:04 PM

I have an unrequited crush and need to get over it and stop obsessing. But how?

The long and the short of it is, I have been crushing on someone from afar for a long time. We hardly knew each other, but once we started talking, I just came straight out and asked him what he thought of me. Predictably enough, he said that he likes hanging out with me, but I'm not his type and he just can't see anything happening.

So, fine.

What I'm struggling with is that he took pains to tell me that I was attractive but that he just couldn't see us being a fit in other ways. Ironically, perhaps unlike a lot of women, I'm very confident about my looks: It's my personality that I struggle with. And because I made a move after only a few times spent hanging out with him, we don't know each other well. So I'm freaking out that he knows so instantly that he's not interested in my personality! I've had therapy and know all the tricks that I need to apply for a longer-term improvement - but how can I cheer myself up in the short-term? I feel desolate, and foolish of course. Life eh?

posted by different to human relations (18 comments total)

I don't know if this will be any consolation, but no halfway decent guy is going to tell ANY girl that she's physically unattractive. Are you sure he wasn't just telling a little white lie to try to protect your feelings? His reason for rejecting you could be anything, and it could be completely unrelated to you.
posted by MegoSteve at 2:30 PM on April 22, 2006

short term solution? chocolate and porn?
posted by andrew cooke at 2:34 PM on April 22, 2006

There are no tricks, pills or secrets to getting over heartbreak, so the best way to deal with this is to accept the feelings you're burdened with and try not to actively fight or struggle with them. Struggling only makes them worse in frequency and prominence. It's what's called "emotional quicksand", because the more you struggle to get out of it, the deeper you sink into it.

Instead, do what may seem counter-intuitive at first and interface with the pain. Accept it. Don't struggle or resent yourself or try and flee from what is a natural and productive developmental process that we all need to experience. Pain instructs.
posted by rinkjustice at 2:37 PM on April 22, 2006

Do not think that because this man can't see himself with you in a relationship that there is a deficiency in your personality. Not being someone's type, or not fitting every spec he has on the list of requirements for an SO in his head, is not a reflection on you as a person - it just means that you are not meant to be with this particular guy. I guarantee you that there are a ton of guys out there who will think your personality is sparkling. This one just wasn't feeling the chemistry. Sure, it sucks when you're feeling something that your crush isn't, but that's going to happen sometimes. It took a lot of guts to put yourself out there and tell him how you felt, and under normal circumstances I'd say that was something to be proud of. In this case, I am wondering what the circumstances were here - if you had a crush on a guy from afar and then met him and told him right away, is there any chance he may have been feeling a little stalked? It's hard to tell from what you've said; it's just a possibility that came to mind.

At any rate, the only surefire method to get over a crush is time. In the meantime, don't beat yourself up. It just wasn't meant to be with this guy, but it will be with another.
posted by amro at 2:38 PM on April 22, 2006

Give yourself a time limit to pine over him- tell yourself, I will pine for him for 76 hours, and then I will stop. During those 76 hours, pine your little heart out- dream all the silly fantasies, play cheesy music and watch cheesy movies. At the end of your time limit, you will be so sick of thinking about, that you'll be over the hump.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 2:50 PM on April 22, 2006 [1 favorite]

We all want what we cant have...
posted by Cohiba4009 at 3:16 PM on April 22, 2006

And then there's always Elizabeth Wurtzel's posit, "The only way to get one man off your mind is to get another on your body."
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 3:36 PM on April 22, 2006 [4 favorites]

My personal motto, following on to ThePinkSuperhero, is, "Nothing gets you over this one like the next one." It's sort of an ongoing process. Give yourself a few weeks to be bummed about it or whatever, then just go look for someone else. There are lots of cool people out there to meet. He's just one of them.
posted by autojack at 3:44 PM on April 22, 2006

As soon as I read that he'd said no but you were still crushing, I knew it would come around to insecurity about yourself. It's an act of self-torture to continue after someone who's said no, which is why you're here.

I don't mean to sound critical. I have my own problems being a little self-centered, vain, even cluelessly self-secure. BUT, for what it's worth, from the other side of the fence: when someone rejects me I stop thinking about them instantly. If they don't want a piece of this then they're living on another planet, obsessed with someone else already, or just plain fucked up. In any case, I'm as embarassed by rejection as anyone, but I lose interest right away and move on.

It sounds like this guy has tapped into your insecurity. I say address that problem. What part of your psyche were you thinking this guy would occupy, what emptiness would one such as he fill? Take a look at that place and figure out what you want to do about it.
posted by scarabic at 3:49 PM on April 22, 2006 [2 favorites]

"So I'm freaking out that he knows so instantly that he's not interested in my personality!"

In fairness, you can tell sometimes very fast that you might not be compatible date-wise with someone; sometimes all it takes is hanging out once. This isn't to say that either your personality or theirs is deficient--simply that some people wouldn't date well. Or at least that one of the two people wouldn't date the other well. Or whatever.

Again, this is no indication that anything is wrong with you.
posted by vernondalhart at 4:35 PM on April 22, 2006

(Two of my best friends are women I went on exactly one date with. I knew as soon as I met them that I'd never want a romantic relationship with them. But they're both wonderful people, with charming personalities — and FWIW both are very good looking. So there's another anecdotal data point saying "not my type" doesn't mean "lousy personality" or even "butt-ugly but I don't want to say it." It just means "not my type.")
posted by nebulawindphone at 5:57 PM on April 22, 2006 [2 favorites]

Here's the deal. Most of the time, for most of us, the people we fancy won't fancy us back. This is life. You know how when you leave school you suddenly need to deal with things like tax and rent and life insurance? This is like that. This is part of growing up and becoming a fully-fledged adult: dealing with the fact that we want sex and love but - unless we happen to be blessed with godlike looks and personality - most of the time the people we fancy won't fancy us back.

Hello adulthood.

What you need to do is understand that when someone turns you down - no matter how nicely and sensitively they do it - they've turned you down. You are not for them . They do not want to bump uglies with you, nor do they wish to run barefoot through the rain-soaked streets with you, laughing, laughing, laughing. You do not light their fire. You do not give them the horn, or a slickie. They think your ass is fat. They are disturbed more than a little by your body odour. You are not, oh dearie me no, any sort of prospective bedmeat for them.

Accept that like an adult and move on. Life is hard. Just as your favourite snackfood may contain nuts, life may contain difficulty. Deal. There is no easy answer to this, or indeed many of life's pains and tribulations. Life hurts. Toughen up.
posted by Decani at 7:25 PM on April 22, 2006 [3 favorites]

I had a serious crush on my neighbor several addresses ago and it turns out that she was abused by someone with a similar body type as mine and while she enjoyed my company, my general appearance was firing warning signs. There was no way this was ever going to work out. I suffered a bit, pined for a bit, and then let go. The thing is, you know you're excellent, but sometimes your vector of excellence just isn't right for your crush. This is absolutely not a reflection on you. Experience the disappointment then move on.
posted by plinth at 7:50 PM on April 22, 2006 [1 favorite]

Maybe he's wildly kinky and is under the impression you are not.
posted by Goofyy at 7:10 AM on April 23, 2006

The best advice I've heard about getting over a crush was "don't think about him while masturbating." Sorry to be so blunt, but I felt it was worth saying.
posted by hazyjane at 7:16 AM on April 23, 2006

Hmmm. Well I am still recovering from a similar situation with an attraction. You can't help who you are attracted to, you can only manage your reaction to that attraction. In a way, you are lucky because the dude gave you an answer when you asked. In my case I did not get an answer when I expressed my feelings (in a note because we no longer worked at the same place). That sensation is horrendous because you have your guts out there and no one has lobbed the ball back.

I think you have to just accept him at his word. You say yourself you don't know him that well, so there might be all kinds of things going on in his life that preclude him getting involved with you or anyone else at the moment. Maybe he's applying for jobs in Alaska and doesn't want to get involved. Maybe he's addicted to kiddie porn on the internet, maybe he's in the closet, maybe he's in the middle of a messy divorce.

In any event, I don't think you can really be down on yourself. You tried and it didn't work out--congratulate yourself for trying, that takes guts, kid!
posted by 45moore45 at 9:49 AM on April 23, 2006

Wow, 45moore45, that is really rough. In my case I knew I had to broach the subject in person, because I really wanted an answer (even though I knew it already.) Then we had a few follow-up emails, so I think we're cool now (we are in the same social circle and see each other regularly, so it's good that there's no apparent awkwardness.) It's just that I'm still hurting.

Thanks, everyone, for these comments. There's a lot for me to think about. I know that, all in all, it just takes time, but it's helpful to have a few tips to help myself with the healing process.
posted by different at 10:56 AM on April 23, 2006

Find out if he's a bad speller. Instant attraction-killer.
posted by Space Coyote at 4:46 AM on July 23, 2006