How do young people learn to adult if their parents didn’t teach them?
November 1, 2022 6:51 AM Subscribe
My partner recently took in a young (early 20s) friend (P) from our queer hobby group when their family kicked them out. We’ve since realized that P doesn’t have the skills needed to live on their own. Are there classes for this?
P needs to learn things like how credit cards, bank accounts, and bills work; how to grocery shop; how to cook basic things; how to clean and do laundry; and other such things. My partner has two young kids and health issues and really doesn’t have the mental energy to teach P everything.
Are there organizations that give classes or can help? It needs to be fairly inexpensive. In person classes or mentoring is preferred because of ADHD, but online is ok.)
For background: P has ADHD, anxiety, and probably some minor developmental issues. They act like a teenager (which is fine). They work part-time and are trying to make that full-time. And they need to be able to move out and live on their own (with roommates) in the not too distant future.
P needs to learn things like how credit cards, bank accounts, and bills work; how to grocery shop; how to cook basic things; how to clean and do laundry; and other such things. My partner has two young kids and health issues and really doesn’t have the mental energy to teach P everything.
Are there organizations that give classes or can help? It needs to be fairly inexpensive. In person classes or mentoring is preferred because of ADHD, but online is ok.)
For background: P has ADHD, anxiety, and probably some minor developmental issues. They act like a teenager (which is fine). They work part-time and are trying to make that full-time. And they need to be able to move out and live on their own (with roommates) in the not too distant future.
P is not alone!
I'd advocate two paths: therapy and practical classes.
For practical classes, it looks like many (some) libraries offer "adulting" classes: https://parade.com/924439/tinadonvito/adulting-classes-for-millennials
posted by heliostatic at 7:26 AM on November 1, 2022
I'd advocate two paths: therapy and practical classes.
For practical classes, it looks like many (some) libraries offer "adulting" classes: https://parade.com/924439/tinadonvito/adulting-classes-for-millennials
posted by heliostatic at 7:26 AM on November 1, 2022
Best answer: This is often called "life skills" and community colleges sometimes offer it (example)
posted by veery at 7:59 AM on November 1, 2022 [8 favorites]
posted by veery at 7:59 AM on November 1, 2022 [8 favorites]
Best answer: How to Adult is a YouTube channel with 150 videos on a variety of related topics! This may be a good supplement to a class if you find one.
Categories include: Finances, Home Economics, Health, Professional, Automotives, Relationships and Social Skills.
posted by Glinn at 8:14 AM on November 1, 2022 [11 favorites]
Categories include: Finances, Home Economics, Health, Professional, Automotives, Relationships and Social Skills.
posted by Glinn at 8:14 AM on November 1, 2022 [11 favorites]
I'd start with laundry. It's relatively easy is there's a machine in the house, and you have to do it enough but it doesn't change all that much each time. So I would think, if there's capacity, about introducing some of this stuff gradually, starting with laundry. And you might need to start with real basics, about how often you wash your clothes, where to put them when done, etc.
Then, for cleaning: can anyone pay them a little bit to help clean? Or can you and your partner pay them a bit to help clean some parts of their house? The money might be motivating even if it's not very much. If they don't know what a clean bathroom looks like, they might not notice when it isn't clean. It's important to assume they won't notice.
posted by bluedaisy at 8:49 AM on November 1, 2022 [2 favorites]
Then, for cleaning: can anyone pay them a little bit to help clean? Or can you and your partner pay them a bit to help clean some parts of their house? The money might be motivating even if it's not very much. If they don't know what a clean bathroom looks like, they might not notice when it isn't clean. It's important to assume they won't notice.
posted by bluedaisy at 8:49 AM on November 1, 2022 [2 favorites]
Until something is lined up for more complex skills, i would start with laundry and grocery shopping.
Is your partner able to show P? Eg. When Partner does laundry P watches, maybe takes photos of the steps, and in next step does their own laundry?
Is Partner able to bring P along when they go grocery shopping? And P helps, actively work down the shopping list? And helps with check out etc. Like one might do with own, younger, child?
posted by 15L06 at 8:53 AM on November 1, 2022
Is your partner able to show P? Eg. When Partner does laundry P watches, maybe takes photos of the steps, and in next step does their own laundry?
Is Partner able to bring P along when they go grocery shopping? And P helps, actively work down the shopping list? And helps with check out etc. Like one might do with own, younger, child?
posted by 15L06 at 8:53 AM on November 1, 2022
Best answer: Step 0: P has to want to learn these things, of their own initiative. You should not be telling P "these are all the things you need to learn." P will almost certainly hear this as "these are all the deficiencies you have." This is someone whose family has kicked them out for (in the family's eyes) P'd "deficiencies". Please, please, please tread carefully.
Two thoughts I want to convey to you:
1. Role Model. IMO your main task is to model functional adult behaviors and allow P to watch & learn. This might involve providing greater transparency than you normally would to other people in how your life works, such as roping them into meal planning (and making them help out in execution of said meal plan), have them sit in on your monthly or weekly budgeting activities with your partner, have P make phone calls to arrange for a plumber when your basement pipe leaks, give them one or two regular chores which are their own such as mowing the lawn or putting away clean dishes, etc.
(2) Socialization. Ideally, you would supplement all this by giving P plenty of opportunities to observe other functional adults go about their adulting business, too, asking P to help out with someone's deck-building project, or asking P's help in making healthcare arrangements for your sick aunt, etc. Here is something you should not hesitate to "pressure" them into: P should be expected to engage with family and community on a regular basis. It is tempting to let them hole up in their depression casket on their own under the guise of "respecting their boundaries". Fight this temptation. Above all, P needs healthy interactions with people in real life. This is THE core skill of adulting.
When you do need to speak to P about their specific needs, or addressing some necessary skill gap you've noticed, I suggest you ask P, "We want to make sure you have all the support and help you deserve. What do you feel you need right now?" And wait for them to talk. But this is where it gets tricky. You see, I was 20 years old when my parents kicked me out. I didn't have any kindly adults who took me in and offered me support, but if there had been such a person, I would never have known that they were serious! AND, I wouldn't even have known what to ask for! I have been there, I have done this, and that's how I know you must begin by asking P for their thoughts - not telling them what they need. But I also suspect that P has not the slightest clue what they need, let alone what they're allowed to ask for. So take it in two steps:
(i) In all likelihood, P's response to your question will focus on practicalities, to the extent that they feel comfortable articulating it: how long can they stay here, and are you really okay with supporting them while they get on their feet, and can you please give them a comprehensive list of expectations to have for them so that they don't piss you off or overstay their welcome. It's important you take this concern seriously and address it fully. YOU may be comfortable with a fuzzy notion of "we're here for you as long as you need," but (a) no, you're not, you do have limits which you must identify and communicate, and (b) providing explicit limits, expectations, boundaries, and offers is the kindest way to treat P. This is important to P. Please don't leave them to wonder.
(ii) Once you allay their immediate fears, then you could suggest therapy for them. Again, please couch it in terms of "we want to make sure you have the help and support you need, and a therapist is someone who can help you figure things out." It would be a mistake, IMO, to say that you want them to go to therapy in order to learn the things their parents did not teach them. (And please do hold off on suggesting adult learning classes entirely.)
As far as I can think of, the only situation in which it would be appropriate to sit down and give P a "let me teach you about this" lecture is finances or perhaps any dangerous/risky behavior such as substance abuse (the latter, you'd refer them straight to a therapist and require them to go).
When I was in P's shoes, there was an IMMENSE hunger in me to be like other people, to be competent and independent, to know all these things they all seemed to know. However, out of a careful and well-earned wariness for showing any deficiency or weakness in myself, even to the people who seemed kind and who were close to me, I *never* let on to anyone how hungry I was to learn. I did all of my learning quietly, watchfully, in secret. And this strategy did work. I learned everything I needed to learn, and those things which I didn't manage to learn, well, they came in their own time. If at any point any one of them had suggested to me that I should take an adult learning class, I might have been utterly mortified. Moreover, I would have redoubled my efforts to throw up a perfectionist facade around this particular person, making sure I was always laughing breezily around them, never letting them into my reality.
posted by MiraK at 9:01 AM on November 1, 2022 [38 favorites]
Two thoughts I want to convey to you:
1. Role Model. IMO your main task is to model functional adult behaviors and allow P to watch & learn. This might involve providing greater transparency than you normally would to other people in how your life works, such as roping them into meal planning (and making them help out in execution of said meal plan), have them sit in on your monthly or weekly budgeting activities with your partner, have P make phone calls to arrange for a plumber when your basement pipe leaks, give them one or two regular chores which are their own such as mowing the lawn or putting away clean dishes, etc.
(2) Socialization. Ideally, you would supplement all this by giving P plenty of opportunities to observe other functional adults go about their adulting business, too, asking P to help out with someone's deck-building project, or asking P's help in making healthcare arrangements for your sick aunt, etc. Here is something you should not hesitate to "pressure" them into: P should be expected to engage with family and community on a regular basis. It is tempting to let them hole up in their depression casket on their own under the guise of "respecting their boundaries". Fight this temptation. Above all, P needs healthy interactions with people in real life. This is THE core skill of adulting.
When you do need to speak to P about their specific needs, or addressing some necessary skill gap you've noticed, I suggest you ask P, "We want to make sure you have all the support and help you deserve. What do you feel you need right now?" And wait for them to talk. But this is where it gets tricky. You see, I was 20 years old when my parents kicked me out. I didn't have any kindly adults who took me in and offered me support, but if there had been such a person, I would never have known that they were serious! AND, I wouldn't even have known what to ask for! I have been there, I have done this, and that's how I know you must begin by asking P for their thoughts - not telling them what they need. But I also suspect that P has not the slightest clue what they need, let alone what they're allowed to ask for. So take it in two steps:
(i) In all likelihood, P's response to your question will focus on practicalities, to the extent that they feel comfortable articulating it: how long can they stay here, and are you really okay with supporting them while they get on their feet, and can you please give them a comprehensive list of expectations to have for them so that they don't piss you off or overstay their welcome. It's important you take this concern seriously and address it fully. YOU may be comfortable with a fuzzy notion of "we're here for you as long as you need," but (a) no, you're not, you do have limits which you must identify and communicate, and (b) providing explicit limits, expectations, boundaries, and offers is the kindest way to treat P. This is important to P. Please don't leave them to wonder.
(ii) Once you allay their immediate fears, then you could suggest therapy for them. Again, please couch it in terms of "we want to make sure you have the help and support you need, and a therapist is someone who can help you figure things out." It would be a mistake, IMO, to say that you want them to go to therapy in order to learn the things their parents did not teach them. (And please do hold off on suggesting adult learning classes entirely.)
As far as I can think of, the only situation in which it would be appropriate to sit down and give P a "let me teach you about this" lecture is finances or perhaps any dangerous/risky behavior such as substance abuse (the latter, you'd refer them straight to a therapist and require them to go).
When I was in P's shoes, there was an IMMENSE hunger in me to be like other people, to be competent and independent, to know all these things they all seemed to know. However, out of a careful and well-earned wariness for showing any deficiency or weakness in myself, even to the people who seemed kind and who were close to me, I *never* let on to anyone how hungry I was to learn. I did all of my learning quietly, watchfully, in secret. And this strategy did work. I learned everything I needed to learn, and those things which I didn't manage to learn, well, they came in their own time. If at any point any one of them had suggested to me that I should take an adult learning class, I might have been utterly mortified. Moreover, I would have redoubled my efforts to throw up a perfectionist facade around this particular person, making sure I was always laughing breezily around them, never letting them into my reality.
posted by MiraK at 9:01 AM on November 1, 2022 [38 favorites]
Best answer: United Way agencies often offer life skills classes within various programs (at-risk youth, youth employment.) So that's a great place to look, and your person may need long-term support on both the ADHD and the developmental front, so excellent if you can hook them up with something like that.
Up here in Canada too, if someone is on student welfare they usually have access to a social worker that can facilitate this kind of learning.
A bit of real talk...from a position of training people in the 17-22 year old range at work...classes and things are a great start but they will get your person likely 15% of the way there. Many young adults learn these things when they run out of laundry and their roommates freak out about the rent. This is because their frontal cortexes are not developed. So prepare P for this inevitability. Sometimes the best life skill is "man, your room stinks. Sheets need to be washed every week."
posted by warriorqueen at 9:02 AM on November 1, 2022 [1 favorite]
Up here in Canada too, if someone is on student welfare they usually have access to a social worker that can facilitate this kind of learning.
A bit of real talk...from a position of training people in the 17-22 year old range at work...classes and things are a great start but they will get your person likely 15% of the way there. Many young adults learn these things when they run out of laundry and their roommates freak out about the rent. This is because their frontal cortexes are not developed. So prepare P for this inevitability. Sometimes the best life skill is "man, your room stinks. Sheets need to be washed every week."
posted by warriorqueen at 9:02 AM on November 1, 2022 [1 favorite]
Along with all of the life skills, discussing setting a routine will be useful. I know a lot of young people who managed to learn the basics but still feel like their lives are a chaotic mess, because they do the things when crisis hits. Simple routines like Sunday is laundry, Monday is grocery store, Tuesday is kitchen/bathroom cleaning, the last Saturday of every month is bank reconciliation / checking accounts for fraudulent charges / reviewing your budget. Adulting is also making the hard commitment to fit these things in.
posted by Silvery Fish at 9:56 AM on November 1, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by Silvery Fish at 9:56 AM on November 1, 2022 [1 favorite]
Just to echo warriorqueen - courses are great but a lot of these things are learned either because they were able to observe something for a long time and learned specific ways of doing something that way.......or because they experience adverse consequences that were more or less painful to work through. Example of the former, I 'knew' to sort laundry because I'd seen my mother and grandmother do laundry for years and without fail, they started with sorting laundry. And I knew you don't use a whole box of detergent because I'd seen them measure out detergent. At university, I later found myself in my hall of residence in the laundry room, observing somebody do laundry by shoving what appeared to be all the clothes they owned into a washing machine that was too small to take all that laundry. They then proceeded to add the better part of a multi load sized box of detergent. They then turned around and asked me if I thought that was enough detergent...so good on them for realising they may need some pointers.
It doesn't sound like P had the benefit of long-term observations of specific ways of doing things...so it would be a kindness to invite them to join in the various adulting activities your partner does. And in addition to getting them some knowledge about and practical experience at adulting skills, it would be great to let them experience some smaller adverse consequences of failing to adult, too. Learning that problems can be managed and how to do that is probably more important than any individual adult life skill.
posted by koahiatamadl at 10:18 AM on November 1, 2022 [3 favorites]
It doesn't sound like P had the benefit of long-term observations of specific ways of doing things...so it would be a kindness to invite them to join in the various adulting activities your partner does. And in addition to getting them some knowledge about and practical experience at adulting skills, it would be great to let them experience some smaller adverse consequences of failing to adult, too. Learning that problems can be managed and how to do that is probably more important than any individual adult life skill.
posted by koahiatamadl at 10:18 AM on November 1, 2022 [3 favorites]
Especially given that P has anxiety, I support the advice to give them low-stakes chances to fail / muddle through. Ask them to pick up a couple grocery items on the way home from work. Partner has to focus on the little ones, but could P make the Kraft dinner / Hamburger Helper / salad / whatever is a small stretch to them? Print out a list of tasks involved in cleaning a bathroom and let them have at it. Encourage them to read directions on packaging and check YouTube for videos (maybe provide 1-2 good channels so they don't wind up doing some weird online "challenge"). Maye start with a checking account and debit card and save credit cards for later if possible.
Successful adults can also manage around rather large gaps in how to adult. They don't have to know how to do everything perfectly (see the number of people with credit card debt / can't get stains out of clothes / live on packaged food and takeout). If the roommate situation is likely to be reasonably friendly, some adulting will get sorted out there, on a more peer level.
posted by momus_window at 11:00 AM on November 1, 2022 [5 favorites]
Successful adults can also manage around rather large gaps in how to adult. They don't have to know how to do everything perfectly (see the number of people with credit card debt / can't get stains out of clothes / live on packaged food and takeout). If the roommate situation is likely to be reasonably friendly, some adulting will get sorted out there, on a more peer level.
posted by momus_window at 11:00 AM on November 1, 2022 [5 favorites]
> They don't have to know how to do everything perfectly (see the number of people with credit card debt / can't get stains out of clothes / live on packaged food and takeout)
Case in point: to this day I have never separated my laundry (... and it seems to work fine so I suspect separating laundry may be a scam/urban legend??) and also THIS WEEK for the first time ever I am going to attempt to remove stains from my clothes using a stain remover (instead of just trying to scrub them out by hand using a harsh dish soap). I am almost 41 years old and successful at life, for most part!
posted by MiraK at 11:38 AM on November 1, 2022 [7 favorites]
Case in point: to this day I have never separated my laundry (... and it seems to work fine so I suspect separating laundry may be a scam/urban legend??) and also THIS WEEK for the first time ever I am going to attempt to remove stains from my clothes using a stain remover (instead of just trying to scrub them out by hand using a harsh dish soap). I am almost 41 years old and successful at life, for most part!
posted by MiraK at 11:38 AM on November 1, 2022 [7 favorites]
Response by poster: Thanks everyone for the useful responses and resources.
Yes, this is in the Northern VA/DC area. P wants therapy but the US medical system sucks. Hopefully, it will happen at some point.
My partner is currently having P tag along for various chores when schedules work out and having teaching moments when possible (she explained P's credit card statement yesterday). I appreciate the recommendations for how to start small and approach things gradually. One major issue is that my partner can only keep P with her until Christmas. It just won't be logistically possible for them to stay longer (though my partner is happy to keep being a supportive adult in their life). After that, they have to move out and will be on their own (with roommates). We'd like to help them be able to handle this change and FEEL able to handle it.
MiraK -- Thank you very much for sharing such personal experiences. Hearing your view from the other side is invaluable.
posted by quiet wanderer at 12:28 PM on November 1, 2022 [2 favorites]
Yes, this is in the Northern VA/DC area. P wants therapy but the US medical system sucks. Hopefully, it will happen at some point.
My partner is currently having P tag along for various chores when schedules work out and having teaching moments when possible (she explained P's credit card statement yesterday). I appreciate the recommendations for how to start small and approach things gradually. One major issue is that my partner can only keep P with her until Christmas. It just won't be logistically possible for them to stay longer (though my partner is happy to keep being a supportive adult in their life). After that, they have to move out and will be on their own (with roommates). We'd like to help them be able to handle this change and FEEL able to handle it.
MiraK -- Thank you very much for sharing such personal experiences. Hearing your view from the other side is invaluable.
posted by quiet wanderer at 12:28 PM on November 1, 2022 [2 favorites]
One of my kids is 18 and may soon begin studying for the GED. I found this online study-for-the-GED program that also offers life-skills type classes. Not so much "how to manage a household," but computer basics, personal finance basics, and the like, which would also be useful for my 18yo. I can't vouch for the quality. It's just one of the resources I came across when I was helping my own kid think about next staps.
posted by Well I never at 1:11 PM on November 1, 2022
posted by Well I never at 1:11 PM on November 1, 2022
Ann Russell is beloved on tiktok as an extra auntie who tells you how to get vom out of your couch cushions etc. Very non-judgemental and into making life easy, and clean, but not perfect.
posted by Iteki at 1:27 PM on November 1, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by Iteki at 1:27 PM on November 1, 2022 [1 favorite]
I highly recommend How to Keep House While Drowning: A Gentle Approach to Cleaning and Organizing by KC Davis as a starting point for this.
posted by chariot pulled by cassowaries at 1:34 PM on November 1, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by chariot pulled by cassowaries at 1:34 PM on November 1, 2022 [1 favorite]
It doesn't matter how clean the house is most of the time (as long as the kitchen is clean enough that no one gets food poisoning)
but it's REALLY important to make the place as clean as you possibly can for rent inspections, so that your lease gets renewed.
posted by chariot pulled by cassowaries at 1:36 PM on November 1, 2022 [2 favorites]
but it's REALLY important to make the place as clean as you possibly can for rent inspections, so that your lease gets renewed.
posted by chariot pulled by cassowaries at 1:36 PM on November 1, 2022 [2 favorites]
I would also tell them that joining their local Buy Nothing group is a great way to get FREE basic essentials, from saucepans to bedding to furniture to clothes to groceries.
posted by chariot pulled by cassowaries at 2:03 PM on November 1, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by chariot pulled by cassowaries at 2:03 PM on November 1, 2022 [1 favorite]
Everyone's given good advice, I just wanted to add that pretty much anything you might need to learn how to do is on youtube and, especially in the case of money/school/domestic stuff there's often material specific to ADHD on those topics. And while some things are best learned from an interactive teacher, for someone who may be afraid to ask or just needing enough context to know what/who to ask, being able to privately get a primer on that topic first from a video can be really reassuring.
Unfuck Your Habitat is neurodivergent/queer/depression/disability-friendly. I recommend advising reading the book in bits and pieces and keep it around for reference.
posted by Lyn Never at 2:20 PM on November 1, 2022 [2 favorites]
Unfuck Your Habitat is neurodivergent/queer/depression/disability-friendly. I recommend advising reading the book in bits and pieces and keep it around for reference.
posted by Lyn Never at 2:20 PM on November 1, 2022 [2 favorites]
My experience of vulnerable youth is also that money management and personal hygiene are the two most important things to lock down first. There's more allowance made for a roommate that is untidy in the house than just doesn't ever have the money for food or rent or is physically dirty. Laundry will, in the near future, likely be done in a laundromat I imagine, that lets you learn one set of "how-to".
Tell them, straight up, some sort of reasonable schedule for clothing and cleaning themselves. This may be "shower each evening, wet your hair and body and turn off the water, use about a palmful of shower gel, rub it on your body then rub it off with a washcloth under running water. Wear clean underwear and socks every day. Bra's and jeans can go for a week of use, if you switch out so you aren't wearing them each day in a row so they can air. T-shirts are usually one wear outside with people and one wear mooching around at home. Shirts that have a t-shirt under and are unspilled on, air and smell-test for up to 3 wears. Or whatever, I don't know what's clean, doable, appropriate where you are. There's a bunch of asks on the topic, send them here, buy them the membership! Always flush the toilet, look in it to see if it's marked, fix it with the brush if not. Check there's plenty of toilet paper for the next person. Wash your hands.
Be sure and ask permission to speak very bluntly from a place of love and to give advice that they may well already know in order to not miss something they don't.
Young people suffer not only from limited income, but often more importantly they suffer from really ... yeah, bad... choices of expenses. Do an expense inventory. Are they on the cheapest possible phone plan that provides a lot of data? Probably not. Do they have a gym membership? Great if they go, and if the place they go is expensive then it might be worth it cos they go, but otherwise change to a cheaper gym. Take into account that their choice of gym may include safety aspects that you wouldn't think of. Do they have debts? Help them to consolidate them. Can you help them to set up an envelope-budget, handling money physically may be much easier for them than digitally, and should include a buffer/saving envelope. Help them get signed up for any public assistance they may be entitled to.
posted by Iteki at 2:25 PM on November 1, 2022 [2 favorites]
Tell them, straight up, some sort of reasonable schedule for clothing and cleaning themselves. This may be "shower each evening, wet your hair and body and turn off the water, use about a palmful of shower gel, rub it on your body then rub it off with a washcloth under running water. Wear clean underwear and socks every day. Bra's and jeans can go for a week of use, if you switch out so you aren't wearing them each day in a row so they can air. T-shirts are usually one wear outside with people and one wear mooching around at home. Shirts that have a t-shirt under and are unspilled on, air and smell-test for up to 3 wears. Or whatever, I don't know what's clean, doable, appropriate where you are. There's a bunch of asks on the topic, send them here, buy them the membership! Always flush the toilet, look in it to see if it's marked, fix it with the brush if not. Check there's plenty of toilet paper for the next person. Wash your hands.
Be sure and ask permission to speak very bluntly from a place of love and to give advice that they may well already know in order to not miss something they don't.
Young people suffer not only from limited income, but often more importantly they suffer from really ... yeah, bad... choices of expenses. Do an expense inventory. Are they on the cheapest possible phone plan that provides a lot of data? Probably not. Do they have a gym membership? Great if they go, and if the place they go is expensive then it might be worth it cos they go, but otherwise change to a cheaper gym. Take into account that their choice of gym may include safety aspects that you wouldn't think of. Do they have debts? Help them to consolidate them. Can you help them to set up an envelope-budget, handling money physically may be much easier for them than digitally, and should include a buffer/saving envelope. Help them get signed up for any public assistance they may be entitled to.
posted by Iteki at 2:25 PM on November 1, 2022 [2 favorites]
I like videos by The Financial Diet on YouTube.
If you're in Fairfax County, the libraries have such amazing resources in terms of free classes, workshops, and partnerships. You surely already know this but I'm always impressed to see new offerings. Parks and Rec has great programs and some cool opportunities like "30 day membership for $30" where you can attend as many classes, and swim and work out, etc. as much as you want. Part of independence is logistical, for sure, and your partner is doing a lot. However, finding safe and healthy activities with positive people is too. NVCC campuses could be a great place to hang out, too; they have all sorts of clubs and organizations to join.
posted by smorgasbord at 5:14 PM on November 1, 2022
If you're in Fairfax County, the libraries have such amazing resources in terms of free classes, workshops, and partnerships. You surely already know this but I'm always impressed to see new offerings. Parks and Rec has great programs and some cool opportunities like "30 day membership for $30" where you can attend as many classes, and swim and work out, etc. as much as you want. Part of independence is logistical, for sure, and your partner is doing a lot. However, finding safe and healthy activities with positive people is too. NVCC campuses could be a great place to hang out, too; they have all sorts of clubs and organizations to join.
posted by smorgasbord at 5:14 PM on November 1, 2022
Hi, I am this kid (well, I'm a year removed from getting kicked out and staying with another family, but it's recent enough).
I think MiraK's advice is really good. Things I wish my "foster family" had done are:
- Expect me to help out with chores regularly. They wanted me to figure out my own schedule, which I found unhelpful because I had no idea what their ideas of a good schedule were. I don't think you need to go into details on how to wash yourself, but saying gently, "I'm sure you would do this anyway, but we expect you to shower daily and wash your bedsheets once a week" will go a long way.
- Have time where you do chores together. Something like "Sunday night is tidying up night" seems a bit kindergarten-y, but for somebody who is inexperienced with chores, it provides a valuable opportunity to observe what normal standards of tidiness are and strategies on how to tidy a room, as well as a natural-looking opportunity to ask questions on how to do X/Y/Z. Finally, it also shows them that cooperation on chores doesn't have to be a painful experience filled with criticism.
- Show me how to do chores I am unfamiliar with if I ask you explicitly! And show them how to use household appliances - not all households have the same ones (not everyone has a tumble dryer or dishwasher for example). Don't be shocked if they have never seen any of those things before if they're not from a middle -class, white background.
- Help me navigate how to get social services and benefits and the soft skills needed to get ahead at work. Help me fill out the forms and figure out which departments to call, and help me advocate for myself; a skill that's especially hard to develop for people with anxiety. Your kid is going to need it if they want a promotion to full-time!
It felt very dehumanising when I tried to get government aid, which turned out not to exist for people in my specific situation, and not much sympathy from my "foster family" when I was afraid I wasn't going to be able to afford university or therapy.
I wrote the next points in third rather than first person, sorry! They're all to do with the emotional side of things.
- Be clear on what your relationship with the child is and the level of emotional attachment you have to them. You'll have to explain this to people outside the situation, such as the queer hobby group, as well as the kid. Please don't say "family" if they're not going to be treated like your own (hypothetical) child - say they're staying with you and you're working on getting them to be self sufficient if that's what you are actually doing.
- Become as familiar with their situation as you can and learn what their previous home life was like. From a chores perspective, this will help you understand what they do and don't know how to do. It's also important because you're essentially mentoring this person, and if there was abuse or general dysfunction, the child probably won't act in a way you consider "normal". Even if that wasn't the case and they're leaving due to something minor, being thrown out is inherently traumatic and that will influence their behaviour towards you.
They've mentioned having anxiety for example - please accommodate those while working with the kid, and if you can, have a consultation with a therapist who specialises in the child's issues to get some advice on how to treat them day-to-day.
- Following on from that, like MiraK said, keep them involved in regular activities like meals and movie nights - not just chores - with the family/community even if they prefer to hide in their room, even if they look uncomfortable or bored or annoyed, or don't speak at all. They're going to be very nervous about being thrown out of this house again because the family doesn't like them. Show them that you like having them around and actively want their company.
This also gives them an opportunity to observe what relatively normal socialising looks like, doubly so if they've been in a dysfunctional household.
- Don't make them talk / reconcile with their family if they don't want to. Please. I can't emphasise this enough.
- Don't expect anything back. Don't deny small requests (like an unusual but inexpensive dish when ordering in, or a visit to the barber's) because you think if they can't pay, they don't deserve it. Only take them in if you are genuinely prepared to become a part of this person's life. People like me can't give you anything back even if we wanted to, and we've been let down too many times already.
posted by wandering zinnia at 1:06 PM on November 2, 2022 [8 favorites]
I think MiraK's advice is really good. Things I wish my "foster family" had done are:
- Expect me to help out with chores regularly. They wanted me to figure out my own schedule, which I found unhelpful because I had no idea what their ideas of a good schedule were. I don't think you need to go into details on how to wash yourself, but saying gently, "I'm sure you would do this anyway, but we expect you to shower daily and wash your bedsheets once a week" will go a long way.
- Have time where you do chores together. Something like "Sunday night is tidying up night" seems a bit kindergarten-y, but for somebody who is inexperienced with chores, it provides a valuable opportunity to observe what normal standards of tidiness are and strategies on how to tidy a room, as well as a natural-looking opportunity to ask questions on how to do X/Y/Z. Finally, it also shows them that cooperation on chores doesn't have to be a painful experience filled with criticism.
- Show me how to do chores I am unfamiliar with if I ask you explicitly! And show them how to use household appliances - not all households have the same ones (not everyone has a tumble dryer or dishwasher for example). Don't be shocked if they have never seen any of those things before if they're not from a middle -class, white background.
- Help me navigate how to get social services and benefits and the soft skills needed to get ahead at work. Help me fill out the forms and figure out which departments to call, and help me advocate for myself; a skill that's especially hard to develop for people with anxiety. Your kid is going to need it if they want a promotion to full-time!
It felt very dehumanising when I tried to get government aid, which turned out not to exist for people in my specific situation, and not much sympathy from my "foster family" when I was afraid I wasn't going to be able to afford university or therapy.
I wrote the next points in third rather than first person, sorry! They're all to do with the emotional side of things.
- Be clear on what your relationship with the child is and the level of emotional attachment you have to them. You'll have to explain this to people outside the situation, such as the queer hobby group, as well as the kid. Please don't say "family" if they're not going to be treated like your own (hypothetical) child - say they're staying with you and you're working on getting them to be self sufficient if that's what you are actually doing.
- Become as familiar with their situation as you can and learn what their previous home life was like. From a chores perspective, this will help you understand what they do and don't know how to do. It's also important because you're essentially mentoring this person, and if there was abuse or general dysfunction, the child probably won't act in a way you consider "normal". Even if that wasn't the case and they're leaving due to something minor, being thrown out is inherently traumatic and that will influence their behaviour towards you.
They've mentioned having anxiety for example - please accommodate those while working with the kid, and if you can, have a consultation with a therapist who specialises in the child's issues to get some advice on how to treat them day-to-day.
- Following on from that, like MiraK said, keep them involved in regular activities like meals and movie nights - not just chores - with the family/community even if they prefer to hide in their room, even if they look uncomfortable or bored or annoyed, or don't speak at all. They're going to be very nervous about being thrown out of this house again because the family doesn't like them. Show them that you like having them around and actively want their company.
This also gives them an opportunity to observe what relatively normal socialising looks like, doubly so if they've been in a dysfunctional household.
- Don't make them talk / reconcile with their family if they don't want to. Please. I can't emphasise this enough.
- Don't expect anything back. Don't deny small requests (like an unusual but inexpensive dish when ordering in, or a visit to the barber's) because you think if they can't pay, they don't deserve it. Only take them in if you are genuinely prepared to become a part of this person's life. People like me can't give you anything back even if we wanted to, and we've been let down too many times already.
posted by wandering zinnia at 1:06 PM on November 2, 2022 [8 favorites]
I would say some version of, "I was wondering if you feel like you have enough clothes. Personally, I like to have enough stuff that I can wear most things just once and still only need to do laundry every other weekend. I like to wear a clean T shirt-underwear-socks-pajamas every day. Daily shower with a clean towel every other day. Jeans, bras, and hoodies I usually wear about 4 times before I wash them, and not 2 days in a row.
"So that would mean I like to have about 12 Tshirts / pajamas, 14 sets of undies & socks, about 4 towels, 7 washcloths, and 5 pairs of pants/bras/hoodies - that's enough stuff that you only need to do laundry maybe every other weekend. Plus winter coat and gloves, belt, boots + street shoes + sporty shoes, backpack, purse, 2 dresses (etc).
"Do you have roughly that many items of clothing? Some time in the next few days, why don't you go through your stuff (I will text you those numbers, you don't have to be exact but it's a good ballpark), and let me know if there are any items you need more of. We can take a Target trip so you can fill out what's needed and be comfortable."
This communicates lots of expectations around changing their sweat-absorbing clothing, and laundry frequency, but without shame since it's an offer to get them stuff.
posted by nouvelle-personne at 2:34 PM on November 2, 2022 [3 favorites]
"So that would mean I like to have about 12 Tshirts / pajamas, 14 sets of undies & socks, about 4 towels, 7 washcloths, and 5 pairs of pants/bras/hoodies - that's enough stuff that you only need to do laundry maybe every other weekend. Plus winter coat and gloves, belt, boots + street shoes + sporty shoes, backpack, purse, 2 dresses (etc).
"Do you have roughly that many items of clothing? Some time in the next few days, why don't you go through your stuff (I will text you those numbers, you don't have to be exact but it's a good ballpark), and let me know if there are any items you need more of. We can take a Target trip so you can fill out what's needed and be comfortable."
This communicates lots of expectations around changing their sweat-absorbing clothing, and laundry frequency, but without shame since it's an offer to get them stuff.
posted by nouvelle-personne at 2:34 PM on November 2, 2022 [3 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by notquitemaryann at 7:13 AM on November 1, 2022