What to get foster parents
October 18, 2022 5:51 AM Subscribe
I know an amazing couple who are first time foster parents. They just received their first placement -- five siblings under 7. The parents have a very large, strong community around them providing both support for the kids' needs and emotional support for them. I live several hours away. What can I get for the *parents* to let them know we're thinking of them? Bonus points if it's practical, too.
A few other details:
- I cannot stress enough what an impressive community they have around them. People have already provided them with many, many things for the children, including a stroller/wagon that can safely transport all 5 kids at once, books, toys, etc.
- I'm keeping an eye on their Amazon Wishlist for the kids, but everything gets scooped up as soon as they add it to the registry
- Someone local already set up a meal train
- We are friendly, but not talk-on-the-phone close. I've sent a few "thinking of you" text messages but don't want to burden them with extra communication
- I'd love ideas beyond the usual flowers/Zimmerman's/Edible Arrangements/etc. unless they would truly be helpful in this situation
I'm especially interested in ideas from foster parents - anything you didn't know you needed that really helped? I'm willing to spend some money if it'll be useful.
A few other details:
- I cannot stress enough what an impressive community they have around them. People have already provided them with many, many things for the children, including a stroller/wagon that can safely transport all 5 kids at once, books, toys, etc.
- I'm keeping an eye on their Amazon Wishlist for the kids, but everything gets scooped up as soon as they add it to the registry
- Someone local already set up a meal train
- We are friendly, but not talk-on-the-phone close. I've sent a few "thinking of you" text messages but don't want to burden them with extra communication
- I'd love ideas beyond the usual flowers/Zimmerman's/Edible Arrangements/etc. unless they would truly be helpful in this situation
I'm especially interested in ideas from foster parents - anything you didn't know you needed that really helped? I'm willing to spend some money if it'll be useful.
Massage gift certificates? It’s a calming, self-indulgent thing most people don’t buy themselves.
posted by LizardBreath at 7:22 AM on October 18, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by LizardBreath at 7:22 AM on October 18, 2022 [1 favorite]
I find gift certificates for restaurants or take-out meals are very much appreciated by parents with large families. It provides them with a break and a treat, and taking that many kids out for a meal adds up to a lot.
Also, gift certificates or memberships for activities local to them - like a zoo or museum or nice botanical garden - that's another thing that can get very expensive very fast.
posted by FencingGal at 7:35 AM on October 18, 2022 [9 favorites]
Also, gift certificates or memberships for activities local to them - like a zoo or museum or nice botanical garden - that's another thing that can get very expensive very fast.
posted by FencingGal at 7:35 AM on October 18, 2022 [9 favorites]
It's very nice to think of them. Perhaps you will get some good ideas, but remember that they are completely overwhelmed. Especially since you don't know them very well, be cautious.
Everyone's different, and chances are that they will appreciate a thoughtful gift, but even the simplest gift has the potential to feel like a burden at times like this. Gift certificates have to be tracked and remembered, and sometimes used before an expiration date. (I have perhaps a dozen old gift certificates, received as presents, in a folder somewhere. One is for a massage.) Food might not fit in with dietary preferences, or might not even fit in the refrigerator. Even cut flowers have to be thrown out when they die, which is a trivial, 30-second task, but might even feel like work when you have 5 new small children. So you may want to come up with an idea or two and ask them, or people who see them frequently, before sending it along.
Also, the type of people who are willing to foster 5 children (I'm in awe) might appreciate a donation in their honor to a nonprofit that supports children, especially if there is one they worked with for the placement.
posted by Mr.Know-it-some at 7:45 AM on October 18, 2022 [7 favorites]
Everyone's different, and chances are that they will appreciate a thoughtful gift, but even the simplest gift has the potential to feel like a burden at times like this. Gift certificates have to be tracked and remembered, and sometimes used before an expiration date. (I have perhaps a dozen old gift certificates, received as presents, in a folder somewhere. One is for a massage.) Food might not fit in with dietary preferences, or might not even fit in the refrigerator. Even cut flowers have to be thrown out when they die, which is a trivial, 30-second task, but might even feel like work when you have 5 new small children. So you may want to come up with an idea or two and ask them, or people who see them frequently, before sending it along.
Also, the type of people who are willing to foster 5 children (I'm in awe) might appreciate a donation in their honor to a nonprofit that supports children, especially if there is one they worked with for the placement.
posted by Mr.Know-it-some at 7:45 AM on October 18, 2022 [7 favorites]
Best answer: Foster parent here, for the last six years. 20+ kids placed with us (some for a few days, some for a year, and two that we adopted last year). There was a previous question about this that has some good suggestions. My vote would a gift card for food that they can use down the road. The first weeks or even months after a new placement are crazy, and when the meal train ends you still need to figure out how to feed a newly expanded (and oftentimes picky eating) family. Having one night covered off thanks to a generous and forward-looking friend would be a lovely gesture.
posted by AgentRocket at 7:56 AM on October 18, 2022 [11 favorites]
posted by AgentRocket at 7:56 AM on October 18, 2022 [11 favorites]
Grocery Store gift cards! These days, the higher end grocery stores have prepped or nearly-prepped meals to compete with products like Hello Fresh and the like. With the grocery cards, they can pick the meals that suit the family.
posted by banjonaut at 9:56 AM on October 18, 2022 [7 favorites]
posted by banjonaut at 9:56 AM on October 18, 2022 [7 favorites]
Best answer: This may sound a tiny bit crass, but hear me out:
I saw this offered as a suggestion for how to support someone long-distance (in that case it was someone dealing with a death in the family). They ordered a huge shipment of toilet paper, paper towels, paper plates, and disposable silverware, so the family a) wouldn't have to worry about washing up after all the meals they'd been donated, and b) wouldn't have to try to pull themselves together and go on a toilet paper run because they'd already blown through their stash using it as emergency Kleenex or whatever.
And this is the kind of stuff you don't always put on wish lists - it's a kind of afterthought - but it's DAMN crucial when you're close to running out. And since their family has effectively QUADRUPLED in size, they are way closer to running out than they usually are.
So: maybe get a couple of the biggest packs of toilet paper you can find off Amazon, add a couple of the biggest packs of paper towels and the biggest packs of napkins, and send it to them. It's not as sexy as the new strollers or the teddy bears, but HOO BOY will it ever get used.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 9:58 AM on October 18, 2022 [4 favorites]
I saw this offered as a suggestion for how to support someone long-distance (in that case it was someone dealing with a death in the family). They ordered a huge shipment of toilet paper, paper towels, paper plates, and disposable silverware, so the family a) wouldn't have to worry about washing up after all the meals they'd been donated, and b) wouldn't have to try to pull themselves together and go on a toilet paper run because they'd already blown through their stash using it as emergency Kleenex or whatever.
And this is the kind of stuff you don't always put on wish lists - it's a kind of afterthought - but it's DAMN crucial when you're close to running out. And since their family has effectively QUADRUPLED in size, they are way closer to running out than they usually are.
So: maybe get a couple of the biggest packs of toilet paper you can find off Amazon, add a couple of the biggest packs of paper towels and the biggest packs of napkins, and send it to them. It's not as sexy as the new strollers or the teddy bears, but HOO BOY will it ever get used.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 9:58 AM on October 18, 2022 [4 favorites]
(Also, the kids will probably find it super-funny that someone sent them a huge enormous box of toilet paper in the mail, and hey, if it gets kids giggling....)
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 10:00 AM on October 18, 2022 [2 favorites]
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 10:00 AM on October 18, 2022 [2 favorites]
My vote would a gift card for food that they can use down the road. The first weeks or even months after a new placement are crazy, and when the meal train ends you still need to figure out how to feed a newly expanded (and oftentimes picky eating) family.
I'm a parent through adoption and was briefly a foster parent and I'm seconding this. Right now everything is chaos and everyone is there to help them. I don't think they need more right now, but something that is sent to them via email, for food, when they want to fill in from the meal train, or when the meal train brings something the kids don't want, would likely be a big help. Also remember that these kids might not be there for very long, but also sometimes the community moves away after the excitement of the initial placement.
posted by bluedaisy at 11:20 AM on October 18, 2022 [3 favorites]
I'm a parent through adoption and was briefly a foster parent and I'm seconding this. Right now everything is chaos and everyone is there to help them. I don't think they need more right now, but something that is sent to them via email, for food, when they want to fill in from the meal train, or when the meal train brings something the kids don't want, would likely be a big help. Also remember that these kids might not be there for very long, but also sometimes the community moves away after the excitement of the initial placement.
posted by bluedaisy at 11:20 AM on October 18, 2022 [3 favorites]
How about sending an inexpensive instant film camera and a bunch of film? As a volunteer guardian ad Litem, I’ve seen lots of kids not have a single photo of themselves, and love it when I take a photo and get it printed for them. I believe you can purchase the camera and a bunch of film for under $150.
posted by kittygrandma at 11:48 AM on October 18, 2022 [4 favorites]
posted by kittygrandma at 11:48 AM on October 18, 2022 [4 favorites]
Food or grocery gift cards.
Anything that requires even a few minutes of extra effort (like a massage gift card) is a nice thought but will likely go unused for a long time.
When my kid was born I resented things like flowers because it took effort and energy that I didn’t have to put them in water, then throw them out once they wilted, and wash the vase.
Even some food gifts can be unwelcome - a friend gave us a home baked pie which was an extremely kind gesture. But my husband couldn’t eat it due to food allergies and I couldn’t finish a whole pie, so it sat uneaten in our fridge for two weeks until I had to scrape it into the compost, wash the pie plate, and find time to return the plate to my friend.
You’re very kind to be thinking of them and asking this!
posted by rodneyaug at 1:27 PM on October 18, 2022 [1 favorite]
Anything that requires even a few minutes of extra effort (like a massage gift card) is a nice thought but will likely go unused for a long time.
When my kid was born I resented things like flowers because it took effort and energy that I didn’t have to put them in water, then throw them out once they wilted, and wash the vase.
Even some food gifts can be unwelcome - a friend gave us a home baked pie which was an extremely kind gesture. But my husband couldn’t eat it due to food allergies and I couldn’t finish a whole pie, so it sat uneaten in our fridge for two weeks until I had to scrape it into the compost, wash the pie plate, and find time to return the plate to my friend.
You’re very kind to be thinking of them and asking this!
posted by rodneyaug at 1:27 PM on October 18, 2022 [1 favorite]
6 months of Disney+ or another streaming service.
Grocery store gift card - always useful.
posted by theora55 at 2:46 PM on October 18, 2022 [3 favorites]
Grocery store gift card - always useful.
posted by theora55 at 2:46 PM on October 18, 2022 [3 favorites]
Best answer: Spent some time in foster care as a kid.
100% on a giant package of the toilet paper the family likes and uses (if they have a septic tank, then the triple soft charmin stuff might mess up their system)
Big stack of white bar mops because spills happen and sometimes a spill is more than paper towels can handle.
Gift card for Target if they live near one, because sometimes you need something faster than the internet can send it.
Donation in their name to a diaper bank, which helps keep families from being sent to foster care, because diapers are expensive.
posted by bilabial at 5:25 PM on October 18, 2022 [3 favorites]
100% on a giant package of the toilet paper the family likes and uses (if they have a septic tank, then the triple soft charmin stuff might mess up their system)
Big stack of white bar mops because spills happen and sometimes a spill is more than paper towels can handle.
Gift card for Target if they live near one, because sometimes you need something faster than the internet can send it.
Donation in their name to a diaper bank, which helps keep families from being sent to foster care, because diapers are expensive.
posted by bilabial at 5:25 PM on October 18, 2022 [3 favorites]
Doordash has gift cards. Requires very little effort to use (phone app) and then food comes to their door... I only have one kid but there were times that would have been a godsend.
Also seconding Disney+, they have a ton of classic children's shows.
posted by mmoncur at 11:58 PM on October 18, 2022
Also seconding Disney+, they have a ton of classic children's shows.
posted by mmoncur at 11:58 PM on October 18, 2022
If you go the Cricket magazine route, our experience was they were slow to start & their billing system is problematic-it took me a several calls to end repeat billing for what my kiddos had outgrown. Maybe send a recent mag in the mail if you go this route and pay with a check. This happened a year after my parent refused to renew for poor customer service, which was tough to believe because they are great magazines.
See what grocery and market stores are local to them. My kiddo’s grad school mainstay was completely across town from their new place, so the gift card was for the place that was a couple of blocks from where they walk to the train.
And vote/write your elected officials about all the things that make these children extra vulnerable-health care for the birth parents as well as the kids, child care, maternity/parental support for very young children, etc.
posted by childofTethys at 5:30 AM on October 19, 2022
See what grocery and market stores are local to them. My kiddo’s grad school mainstay was completely across town from their new place, so the gift card was for the place that was a couple of blocks from where they walk to the train.
And vote/write your elected officials about all the things that make these children extra vulnerable-health care for the birth parents as well as the kids, child care, maternity/parental support for very young children, etc.
posted by childofTethys at 5:30 AM on October 19, 2022
Response by poster: Thanks for all the fantastic ideas! Y'all suggested many great things I hadn't thought of.
I reached out to the parents' mom (the "foster grandma") and she said they've received more stuff than they can even sort through. Again, thank goodness for strong communities.
I'm going to stick with the "thinking of you" texts for now, but I've put a reminder in my cal to send some super practical items (paper products, etc.) in a few weeks when the initial excitement has died down a bit, assuming the kids are still with them.
posted by pear at 7:17 AM on October 19, 2022 [2 favorites]
I reached out to the parents' mom (the "foster grandma") and she said they've received more stuff than they can even sort through. Again, thank goodness for strong communities.
I'm going to stick with the "thinking of you" texts for now, but I've put a reminder in my cal to send some super practical items (paper products, etc.) in a few weeks when the initial excitement has died down a bit, assuming the kids are still with them.
posted by pear at 7:17 AM on October 19, 2022 [2 favorites]
I'd also text them a heads-up that this is incoming when you do send them the toilet paper, so they aren't confused by this random huge box of toilet paper suddenly appearing on their doorstep...
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 8:26 AM on October 19, 2022 [2 favorites]
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 8:26 AM on October 19, 2022 [2 favorites]
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Other than offering to babysit once the family has settled in, so the parents have a few hours for themselves, I think sending them warm wishes and letting them know that you expect something might come up later, and you have money already set aside when that moment comes. With 7 kids, I expect stitches or other medical emergencies are gonna happen. Knowing someone can cover the out of pocket expenses might be a comfort.
posted by Silvery Fish at 7:17 AM on October 18, 2022 [5 favorites]