Between a rock and a hard place.

April 20, 2006 8:07 PM

How do I get my (abusive?) boyfriend out of my life?

I am a 25 year old decent looking guy in a relationship with a guy my age, I knew he had some confidence/trust issues but letely they have come to a head...

He uses a Mac computer normally but when he is at my house he uses my windows based machine, in my internet explorer history he found a porn popup and assumed that I was looking at straight porn.(this is while I was at work)

He left the apartment (that I pay all rent on) and went out drinking and got home just before I got home at half past midnight.

When I got home he confronted me and I tried to explain pop-ups to him, even opened the warez site I was at that opens a ton of windows. He ended up becoming more and more aggressive and started slapping. I did not lay a hand on him and only raised up my arms to cover my face. By the end of the night my roomates convinced him to leave... I had a black eye and he twisted my glasses into a ball of wire, on his way out he stole all my contact lenses except for a couple pairs that were still in the boxes left from moving in.

He showed up the next night and I let him back.

Anyways the same situation happened again and he ended up grabbing my cell-phone and breaking it in half as I was attempting to call a (straight) friend to get a place to crash for the night.

I tell him to leave, I BEG him to leave and he always shows up. I go to school at 8AM and work until Midnight so I don't have the time to deal with this drama.

I cannot physically force him out because he is stronger and a good fighter. I cannot call the police because per the terms of my lease he is not suppost to be there at all (not to mention my roomies smoke weed and i don't want to bust them)... I am at my wits and sanity's end..

Anybody ever been stuck in a similar situation?

posted by kzin602 to human relations (25 comments total)

Get to a neutral friend's place and only tell a few people where you will be.

Go to the cops and file a report, then file a restraining order.

There are lots of non-profit shelters that will help you even if you don't need a place to stay.

Good luck!
posted by Alison at 8:16 PM on April 20, 2006

Tell your roomies to hide the pot and call the police. I haven't personally been you in this situation but I was the roommate in this situation. Call the police. He'll get the message. The thing is: he'll realize you're more trouble than you're worth and he'll find someone else to abuse. Sorry that your relationship has to end this way, but, well, it does.
posted by billysumday at 8:17 PM on April 20, 2006

I don't think the police will care about the terms of your lease, or vice versa.
posted by odinsdream at 8:21 PM on April 20, 2006

You know this already, but this is a very serious situation and you have to get control of it. All I have is common sense, but perhaps it's still helpful:

He comes back? Don't let him in. He comes when you're not there? Tell your rommmates not to let him in. He has a key? Spring for a new lock.

He's bigger than you? Give your roommates a video camera and tell them to keep out of arm's reach but film him the whole time.

He keeps coming back? It's cop time. It's restraining order time. You don't want to call the cops because your roomates smoke weed? Do they smoke so much weed that they can't get rid of it until you resolve this? Reach out to them -- they likely understand after having watched you in this relationship.
posted by crickets at 8:21 PM on April 20, 2006

Get the support of your roommates for the following:
Box up his stuff and leave it outside.
File a restraining order.
Change the locks.
DO NOT let him back in, no matter what he says.
Call the police if he returns.
Don't go anywhere alone for awhile.

If he's not on the lease and not paying any rent, he's just an overnight guest freeloader. The cops don't care about your lease anyway. Your roommates will have to be careful about pot for awhile. Consider moving.
posted by desuetude at 8:22 PM on April 20, 2006

I agree with everyone here: change the locks if you can, go to the cops, get a restraining order, and tell your roomies to remove (not just hide) the drugs in the meantime in case the cops need to come over to your place for some reason. And yes, contact a shelter or domestic violence hotline -- I don't know where you live, but every city (and college town) I've lived in has had services not just for women but for men as well. Don't hesitate. Good luck.
posted by scody at 8:27 PM on April 20, 2006

He showed up the next night and I let him back.

Well, there you go.

Seriously. You say he doesn't live with you ("when he is at my house"), and you say that your reason for relenting when he shows up is that you "don't have the time to deal with this drama." Look, either it's a priority for you to get rid of him, or it's not.
posted by cribcage at 8:32 PM on April 20, 2006

He showed up the next night and I let him back.

Not only do not let him in, don't engage him AT ALL. Don't give him an inch or things might escalate fast.
posted by SoulOnIce at 8:40 PM on April 20, 2006

Just tell him not to come back and if he showes up call the police rather then letting him in.

I cannot physically force him out because he is stronger and a good fighter. I cannot call the police because per the terms of my lease he is not support to be there at all (not to mention my roomies smoke weed and i don't want to bust them)... I am at my wits and sanity's end..

Now, calling the cops on him while he's outside the door wont cause you to violate your lease, obviously since I'm sure the landlords aren't expecting you manually enforce the conditions anyway.

Tell your roommates to chill with the weed stuff for a while this stuff clears up. He might try to do something like narc on them when the cops show up. Just get it out of the house for a couple of days.

Seriously though, this is what the police are for.
posted by delmoi at 8:40 PM on April 20, 2006

I haven't been in this situation, and it sounds awful. The only thing I can offer is my sympathy and some observations from seeing or hearing about a few situations friends, family, and acquaintances have goen through.

I think the key thing with any situation in which there's an abuser is the ability to draw solid boundaries and make the abuser respect them. If you can't do this personally (and there are lots of situations which make it difficult if not impossible), then you're either going to have to enlist the help of people -- possibly the local authorities -- who can help you draw those boundaries, or get yourself completely out of the situation.

The help of roomates or friends might work for you if it's worked before. It might not, though, especially if this guy is so determined he keeps coming back when you've made it more than clear he's not welcome. But either way, my first suggestion: talk to your roomates and make a plan. That plan should include the kind of support they've already offered, but it should also, if possible, include getting rid of the weed for now, and maybe even coming clean with your landlord if you think it's really going to be an issue ("we broke this provision of the lease, and you're right, we shouldn't have, it was a horrible idea that led to a problematic situation but we want to put that behind us"), though I think you're probably overblowing it if the guy doesn't officially live there. Do everything you can that quickly gives you group support and puts you in a standing where you go to the authorities. From the sounds of things, you may well need that.

Because what you're going to have to do next -- if you're not going to choose the get the heck outta dodge option -- is make it clear to the guy who's abusing you that his behavior is wrong and something which you won't put up with. Change the locks, don't let him in, and tell him to stay the hell away. And you're going to need to have some consequences to set in motion if he crosses that boundary, and those would best come from the system.

If you can't get roomate (and maybe landlord cooperation), you need to find another place where you can as soon as possible -- or be prepared to just leave town if things really escalate.

And in the meanwhile, if things get worse before you've had time to get this together, call the police anyway. In many places, cops don't care that much about pot, much less terms of a lease, especially when compared to a violent confrontation. And at any rate, you may need them there worse than you need your current appartment (on preview, I see a number of others have said the same thing).
posted by namespan at 8:41 PM on April 20, 2006

Gay Men's Domestic Violence Project. 1-800-832-1901.

National Domestic Violence Hotline. [phone]-SAFE.
posted by Saucy Intruder at 8:44 PM on April 20, 2006

I cannot call the police because per the terms of my lease he is not suppost to be there at all (not to mention my roomies smoke weed and i don't want to bust them)

Call the cops when your boyfriend is outside the door and do not let him in. When the cops come, you go outside to speak to the cops and do not let them into your apartment either. I almost got my roommate in trouble in a very similar situation, but if you just act careful with the cops you should be fine. Please don't let this fear stop you from doing the smart thing.
posted by mullacc at 8:50 PM on April 20, 2006

You should probably take the personal information off your user page.
posted by interrobang at 9:09 PM on April 20, 2006

If your roommates are more worried about their precious marijuana than they are your safety, MOVE. You don't need them either. Your safety is far more important than their drugs.

If you've been injured, you need to involve the police department. And by all means, stay away from this individual.

Heck, even if you haven't been injured - this is not a good thing. File a restraining order. Quite often people get the hint after they're served with a restraining order.

And you have gotta stay away - love or not. AVOID this person.

Your safety is very important.
posted by drstein at 9:29 PM on April 20, 2006

He showed up the next night and I let him back.
Please don't do that.
posted by trondant at 9:39 PM on April 20, 2006

"Abusive" in this case does NOT warrant a question mark.
posted by The Deej at 9:40 PM on April 20, 2006

I personally was in this situation. Right down to the smashed cell phone. It got so bad that my boyfriend actually shoved me causing me to break my wrist. I had pot in the house, I called the cops, he was arrested, an ambulance picked me up. The cops didn't care to examine my premises, they wanted to help me get him out of my life.

In retrospect, it was not smart of me to have the pot there, but I wasn't thinking.

Don't be afraid to call the police.

Everyone's given good advice.
posted by gummi at 10:05 PM on April 20, 2006

I agree with what everyone else has to say, but I wanted to particularly reiterate what The Deej said above:

You are in an abusive relationship, no ifs, ands, or buts about it.

You are way past the point where a question mark is warranted.
posted by tkolar at 10:29 PM on April 20, 2006

AMWKE: The poster is male. Furthermore, he is asking the question of how to get out of the abusive relationship which seems to imply he wants to change the situation.

Other then that, I also agree with what everyone else has said. By answering the door, not changing the locks, not calling the police, not leaving your house, and even by begging him to leave you are allowing him to continue his behaviour. Don't play into it. Walk away and don't look back.
posted by kechi at 10:51 PM on April 20, 2006

MeTa (also, MeTa and MeTa)
posted by the_bone at 11:00 PM on April 20, 2006

[removed AMWKE's comment, sorry for the conversation gap]
posted by jessamyn at 7:23 AM on April 21, 2006

This is abusive.

Get out.

Don't let him in.

Get gay-positive emotional support. (Follow Saucy Intuder's links for somewhere to start).

Be prepared for the possibility that the cops may be less supportive if/when they find out you're gay. Enlist friends to get your back in case the authorities won't. You might luck out and get well-trained caring cops. You may not. Do you know how gay-positive your local PD is? It may be possible to get their intervention and a restraining order without letting them know about your relationship status. Only you will know what is right for you.

He's hurting you. That is not okay. Do not stand for it. You're worth more than that. You shouldn't have to live in fear.
posted by raedyn at 8:42 AM on April 21, 2006

Nothing says "Never attempt to contact me again" like a restraining order. Be sure to document all the damage he does, get statements from any one who ever witnessed his outbreaks and log every attempt he makes to contact you.
posted by Sara Anne at 9:17 AM on April 21, 2006

Your house has a wooden or metal rectangle on the front of it with a protruding knob of some sort--I believe it's called a "door"? Well, then, don't open it to him.

Seriously, this is not a difficult thing to understand. Someone is beating you and harrasing you and is in your house when you don't want him there? Hello, this is called assault, battery, trespassing, stalking, and abuse. Also, the sky is blue and grass is green.

I had a roommate like you once. She had an asshole frat boy boyfriend and kept letting him back in the house. It was awful coming home from school every day not knowing if she was at the house or injured or whether today she'd be hiding the bruises on her arms with long sleeves or concealer... Finally, after the other roomates and I had to take her to the hospital for an X-Ray and MRI when he threw something heavy at her forehead, she dumped him. But it was a long time coming.

Get help, before this man kills you.
posted by Asparagirl at 10:47 AM on April 21, 2006

FYI - when you call the cops to your house they don't WANT to see or hear anything except what they were called about. The few times i've had the cops come over because of a stolen car or something they just stood right in the foyer and didn't really want to come any futher into the house.

It's their job and they don't want more paperwork. Don't be afraid to call them.
posted by untuckedshirts at 12:50 PM on April 21, 2006